My baby girls rocky start :/

I was released from the hospital on March 17, 2007. Me and my baby girl were finally able to come home! I was so happy and felt so complete! What I wasn't quite prepared for though was how hard it was actually going to be! See, Gavin was only 18 months old and still in diapers! So, I had my hands full! On our first night home, my mama came and stayed with me to help out, since Jeremy was a no show! That night, Kenadi went to sleep at 8pm and the next morning at 4am she still hadn't woke up nor had a bottle since 8 the night before. So I woke her up to give her a bottle. She got choked on it and her face turned blue and red and she began spitting up milk and blood! It scared me half to death!! I immediately called the hospital in a panic!! They said the blood was just left over from when she was born. I was really peculiar over Kenadi because all I could think was, I've got my baby girl here, finally, and it's too good to be true and something bad was going to happen! Anyway, after that was over with the worry still wasn't gone. She was puking ALOT! She couldn't keep anything down. I had had her formula changed three different times. At this point, she was on a formula called Allimentum (that May be spelled wrong) that was $30 for a small can. It was VERY EXPENSIVE!!

Meanwhile, two weeks after Kenadi was born, I got home one day and had a message from Jeremy. He had heard I'd had the baby and he wanted to see, "Jaylynn Cherie". See, before we broke up, her name was to be Jaylynn, for Jeremy because his middle name is Lynn and Cherie because that's my middle name. But after he left, I decided not to name her after him since he didn't care enough about her to stick around! So, I told him her name and he was at work so I took her to Walmart to see her, and I use this term VERY loosely, daddy! He took her around and showed her to everyone with strict orders NOT to show her to his girlfriend!

When Kenadi was a month old, she was still puking, ALOT, and weighed only 6lbs. She hadn't gained not even a pound since her birth! So, I took her to the emergency room. From there it was discovered that she had a heart murmur. She was sent to the pediatric ward at the baptist hospital (this is the hospital that babies are born at not the hospital with the ER) we were transferred by ambulance. She was admitted into the hospital. Of course I told Jeremy but he didn't come! She stayed for two days while doctors ran a series of tests to find out why she couldn't hold her formula down. After ALOT of tests, it was discovered that she had a gastric problem that had a long technical name. It meant that, there's a flap at the bottom of your esophagus that opens when you eat to let your food move into your stomach. Well this flap wasn't opening on her so her formula was just sitting on top of the flap causing her to puke up all her formula! She also had acid reflux and was lactose intolerant. So two medicines were prescribed, her formula was changed to soy and I was to put baby cereal in her formula so she would start gaining weight. Thank God this worked and it didn't take her long at all to catch up! At night when she slept, I had to put her in a wedge on her side so if she threw up in her sleep she wouldn't aspirate on it.

She got off to a very rocky start but she improved very quickly! The arguments between Jeremy and I only continued to get worse! With another court date looming and me not letting him take Kenadi around his girlfriend. At that age, I was the only mama Kenadi was going to have! I didn't feel comfortable with another woman taking care of my newborn baby!

I hated her! She aided in breaking my family up and it wouldn't be long before she and I duked it out.....

Welcome, Kenadi Beatrice Todt!!

On March 12, 2007, I had a regular OB/GYN appointment. At this visit, I told my doctor that I had been having contractions, irregular, but still contractions. I was very uncomfortable and within a week, I had gained ten pounds bringing my overall weight gain up to 19 pound. Which was great considering I gained 75 with Gavin! My doctor decided to send me over to the hospital for monitoring. I figured they'd keep me a couple hours and let me go. Strap the stress test straps on me for a couple hours and discharge me. By this time, I was 37 weeks along and had been going to the doctor every week since 32 weeks to be hooked up to the stress machine to monitor babys movements and heartbeat. But this was not the case this time! If Kenadi was born, she'd be considered term since I was 37 weeks. So I was admitted to the hospital on March 12th. I was having contractions but still irregular about every 10-20 minutes. On the 13th, my doctor came in a couple times to check on me but still no word on weather or not he was going to release me. My mama was there with me and Gavin was with my step-dad. My mama left that night to go home and get clothes together for me and Kenadi since I didn't come with my bags. She returned the next day. My doctor came in on the 14th and decided I was to be induced the next morning at 4am.

Like clockwork, he was in the room at 4am starting me on pitocin. The contractions started full blast at around 9am on March 15th. I had laid in the hospital for two days thinking, what if I have her on the 20th, the same as Kaylea? Talk about a bittersweet day! After what seemed like forever, I was finally dialated to a 4, meaning I could have my epidural if I wanted. And I chose to get it. I was in horrible pain! Pain I didn't quite feel with Gavin as I wasn't in labor long before they decided to take him via C-Section. I had discussed with my doctor about planning another C-Section with Kenadi as it was a small chance my scar would began bleeding and I could hemorrhage. And if it was anything rare that could happen to a pregnant woman, it was going to happen to me! But ultimately, I opted on a vaginal birth with no hesitation to take her via C-Section if anything went wrong. So, the anesthesiologist came in and gave me the epidural. It just so happened that a student was doing them that day and he did mine wrong! It only numbed my right side and I could still feel EVERYTHING!! So another one had to be administered! And this time it took! He gave me a pump to hit every so often. This was around 11:00 am. At about ten after eleven I noticed her heart rate had dropped into the 50s. All of a sudden the nurse come running in the room making me turn on my side and put oxygen on me. Then, when that didn't work, she checked to see if I'd dialated. I had! I had went from a four to a ten in a little less that twenty minutes! It was time to push that's why her heartbeat had dropped! She was coming and fast!! The nurse tried her best to start getting her out. Now, keep in mind, I'd never really had to do this much when having a baby. With Kaylea, I pushed but the doctor pretty much pulled her out and with Gavin I was asleep. So, this was kinda new to me! And let me just say, an epidural is great for pain, yes, but I couldn't tell what I was doing AT ALL!! I was pushing but it felt like I was just bearing down in my chest! Everytime a contraction would stop and I'd stop pushing, Kenadi would go back in! Her heart rate was steadily dropping, so, a vaccum was used. Thus didn't work either! My normal doctor was in surgery so another doctor had to take over. I was begging the nurse to call him to do a C-Section! All I could think was, please God, PLEASE don't take my baby girl from me! Just get her out, PLEASE!!!

I looked over at my mama and her face had turned white! So, I said do y'all know something I don't know? I knew she hadn't died because I could still hear her heartbeat! In a panic, my doctor took the scissors and cut me and pulled her out! At that moment I was so glad I'd gotten the epidural because that would've been very painful!! I had a stage four episiotomy, the worst one!! But there she was! My absolutely BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL!! I couldn't help but think about my angel, Kaylea Blair in that moment! Their birthdays were merely five days apart! Kenadi made, what would otherwise be a horrible month for me, better! She was a new symbol for March!

She was perfect! Born on March 15, 2007 at 11:44 am Weighing in at 5lbs. 6ozs and 18 1/2 inches long! She had a head full of jet black hair and looked like me! She had low birth weight like Gavin because of my blood pressure. I felt complete now! I finally had a baby girl to take home to love and spoil and hold, just because I wanted too!! About twenty minutes after she was born, I let my bed up. My epidural was still in affect so I couldn't feel anything from the waist down. Mama had left to go get me some food because I hadn't eaten since Sunday and it was now Thursday! When she got back, I was sitting up eating and she was talking to me. It was one of those true moments where I could see her lips moving but couldn't hear a single word she was saying! I started to panic! So she got the nurse who laid my bed back down. My blood pressure had dropped severely from sitting up to fast! It was 80/45! So within a few minutes I was back to normal!

Jeremy didn't show up. I had called everyone I knew that talked to him to let him know I was having her. But not a word back. My mama cut her cord and my friend Amanda stayed with me the last night I was in the hospital. My step-dad came in not too much later to bring Gavin to see his new baby sister! It was a proud moment in my life! And the looks Gavin gave her, a look of pure amazement! I was so happy but at the same time I was sad because Jeremy missed her birth! I felt like she didn't even have a daddy!

Kenadi had a rocky start and there was trouble ahead in a few different forms....

The pictures below show Gavin seeing her for the first time, coming home from the hospital and her birth announcement.

His worthlessness is EPIC!

After Jeremy was spotted that day, I decided to take things into my own hands. He'd been gone for nearly a month and wouldn't tell me where he was because he didn't want child support papers delivered to him. No, he wanted to lay up with his whore girlfriend and not be bothered with taking care of our son and soon to be daughter! But I wasn't having that! This was the last time he was going to cheat on me, his PREGNANT wife, and leave me for the whore! So, a few days after he was spotted, me and my friend Amanda Parks went down this road one night after it got dark outside. We rode until we found a trailer park. And there it was, the Burgundy car that he claimed was Charles'! It just so happened Jeremy and I had a mutual friend who lived in this trailer park! So I went to him and he gave me the address! On the way out, I stopped at their mailbox because I wanted to know her name! I wanted to know who this home wrecker was! I pulled out a piece of mail and low & behold the name on the envelope was AMANDA PARKS!!! She had the exact same name as my friend, the one I was with right then!! I was so shocked!! Over the next few weeks I learned that she was 30 years old and Jeremy met her at work at Walmart. She worked in the deli so she was close to him. He had been talkin to her about me and our "arguments" which he, I know, was making up stories because we did NOT argue, ever!! He just wanted to gain empathy from this woman and make her feel sorry for him. She had moved to Virginia from West Virginia after her sons father doped up her Christmas money. So, then I realized the car seat in the car that Jeremy had said was Charles' sons was in fact HER sons car seat! So, Jeremy was helping her raise her son, a child that doesn't even belong to him, but walked away from his own son in Walmart when Gavin was screaming for him! Nonetheless, I had found his address and so I called the courthouse and gave it to them. So he was served with child support papers and assault & battery papers on me and Gavin from the night he kicked Gavin in the head trying to get out of the door with an xbox! I found out that they had been to Walmart and arrested him at work for the A&B charges! He was very confused and questioned me as to where I got the address from. I said you can't run forever! And the kicker to this was: he was less than a MILE away from me!! So that's why gas wasn't used the night I went looking for him at 1am with our 15 month old son!!

Soon it was the day of our court appearance for the Assault charges. I told the judge I didn't think he did what he did on purpose. But she said it didn't matter. He should've left when I told him to and either come back at a later time or sent someone else to get his things. So he was convicted of A&B on me and Gavin! He was also put under a 'No Contact" order. Meaning we couldn't talk directly to one another and couldn't see each other. Anything with Gavin had to be done through a third party source. But of course, Jeremy didn't even bother after that!

Sometime after that, our child support date was here. At this appearance, he was ordered to pay child support as well as spousal support (alimony) in the amount of $275 a month in SS and $200 a month in child support. I was able to prove he was cheating on me since he admitted to it. He also told the judge that I wouldn't "let" him see his son. I told the judge I never said he can't see him. What I said was he is not taking my son where he's living because I don't know the people he's living with. And he had only known her for a month! I was awarded full, sole and physical custody of Gavin. Mainly due to the 'No Contact' order against Jeremy. The judge told him visitation wouldn't be discussed at a child support date. If he had a problem with visitation then he needed to go file papers for visitation. Which he didn't even bother doing! This was in January 2007.

The days passed on without a single word nor an effort from/by him to see Gavin. Nor to ask how things were going with my pregnancy. One day, I decided to text his phone. But she sent a text back telling me to leave Jeremy alone. That he didn't want anything to do with me and that I lost him because I didn't know how to take care of my man. And that they'd see me in court over the kids. So I said yeah right! He will never take me to court because he does NOT care about his kids! And I lost my husband, not because I couldn't "take care" of him but because he's a sorry asshole who cheated on his pregnant wife!! And further more, I don't "take care" of grown ass men! If anything he should've been taking care of me instead of worrying about the next slut he was going to sleep with! I said are you finally admitting that you are sleeping with my husband or continuing to lie? I blamed her just as much as him! Because what kind of woman sleeps with a married man with a pregnant wife and a 15 month old son at home?! And it's not like she didn't know about me because she did!! After thus incident, I let things go, for now! I had to concentrate on getting my baby girl here safely and soundly! My baby girl whom I had decided to name Kenadi Beatrice. Kenadi, after a little girl who was a dwarf on a discovery health show I'd watched and Beatrice after my granny that had died from brain cancer after Kaylea. Also so she'd have the same initials as Kaylea Blair!

My pregnancy was going along and very uneventful, for once! I wasn't as miserable because it was winter and I hadn't gained but ten pounds so far and I was almost eight months pregnant! I was actually enjoying my pregnancy! She kicked all the time and was very active! I had my baby shower for her on March 10, 2007. She was due in just three short weeks! And I was so very excited!! I was to have a routine checkup the next day on Monday, March 12th.

But my baby girl wouldn't wait another three weeks! She was ready to go and was coming ALOT sooner!! And her "daddy" continued to prove just how sorry he could be......

Below are pictures from my baby shower and a belly picture taken in February 2007.

Angel Mothers: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

Today I'm going to steer away from my story and take this opportunity to tribute fellow angel mothers! I say mothers, not because I believe that the fathers don't feel a sense of loss or grief for their children but because I'm a mother and I can relate to other mothers. And in my experience, as most of you have read, the father of my angels didn't care much nor did he stick around to help me get through it. Not that I think all fathers are like this. In my latest experiences, I've actually come across a few fathers who consider their angels like the mothers do. And build their lives around spreading awareness and talking about their angels. But this post is about fellow mothers of angels. You see, the mothers,are the ones that carry our children. We feel every kick, every hiccup, every movement. Which causes us, by nature, to become more attached to our babies from the moment we conceive. I guess you could say, for a while, that I kept my angel, Kaylea, all to myself. I didn't share her with the world. Only sharing her with close friends and family. But recently, in October of 2012, I started a Twitter page in remembrance of her. I thought I'd tweet about stillbirth and raise awareness by telling of warning signs, causes and statistics. But what I never thought I'd find was a group of wonderful, amazingly strong and brave woman that have become sort of a second family to me! It's coming up on nine years since I gave birth to Kaylea Blair, silently, at only 19 years of age. A mere adult, I was happy at the thought of giving birth to my first child, a daughter! A person should never have to give birth to a baby that has already passed away. In it's mothers womb, the place that's supposed to give life, house life, safely within the mother, suddenly turns into a shallow grave. I found only a few people who had lost a child and even fewer that were willing to talk about their children. All I wanted to do was talk about Kaylea! The same as a mother who talks about her living childs first steps or first words. It was no different for me! I was proud of her! The same as if she'd been born alive! So, I kept her to myself. What I found on Twitter was women shouting their babies names from the rooftops! Loving them, rejoicing about them! And I loved it! It made it ok to speak your angels names! People, strangers even, were asking me about Kaylea! Wanting to hear her story! I was amazed! Now, I'm not saying I had no support at all. Because I did. But I met a wonderful woman, Gale, who I've mentioned before, that didn't have the proper support she needed and had kept silent for 37 YEARS! And still she's proud of both her angels! Now she has the support system she needed then and that's so wonderful! I've come to admire her greatly! And even though we've never met, feel like I've known her my whole life! I met Sheila, who's loss is very recent. Who I learned doesn't live far from me! I'd love to meet her! I met Emma, a sweet girl from the U.K. who's baby girl, Charlie died as a result of Potters Syndrome. She reminds me ALOT of myself. She's 20, only a year older than I was when I lost Kaylea. She's such a sweet girl who wants what every mother wants after a loss, to be a mother again. This urge to become a mother after a loss is insatiable! It's kind of like a craving you get while pregnant, it doesn't go away until satisfied. I can relate as I had that sort of "craving" after I suffered a miscarriage 8 months after Kaylea. But I was satisfied by two rainbow babies. So many mothers are still awaiting the arrival of their much wanted and needed rainbow baby. So many women are told they'll never conceive and then by some miraculous stroke of luck, they do! And then, as if it was a quick dream, the baby is taken away. I never had a problem conceiving rather holding the pregnancy. As alot of women have this problem as well. Whatever the case may be, these women DESERVE these babies they're trying so hard to get! I wish so badly that no person would ever have to go through the horrific experience that is child and or baby loss! I know the feeling of putting on a happy face when you are DYING INSIDE!! So many questions that need answers! How do you remain optimistic when your children are being taken from you as quickly as they were given? Why would God give you a baby just to take it away? How can you remain faithful when something so tragic has happened to you? And the biggest question of all: WHY DID MY BABY HAVE TO DIE?!

I want each and every angel mother out there to know one thing: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! If you can't find support at home or in your area, come to us! All babies count, no matter how long they were here, no matter if they never took a breath outside your body, no matter if the pregnancy never made it past the first month, no matter if they lived a minute or a month! That baby was your baby and he/she was a person, a human being, and they MATTER!! Never think your baby is not important and never let anyone tell you he/she isn't important! Please know that, there is a support system out there for you. Full of women who know exactly how you feel every moment of the day! They've thought the same thoughts and asked the same unanswered questions you have, over and over everyday! You just have to find us because we are here! Never keep these feelings to yourself! It will drive you insane!

I have received some beautiful things from a few of the wonderful women I've met on Twitter. @maurasmission offers beautiful blocks that can contain your angels name, birthday, angelverserys, weight & length and your choice of a quote on all four sides. I received a bear from Leanne at @achingarms in memory of my friend Sheilas angel, Jamie. Sheila had the bear sent to me. And these things are free of charge for angel parents. You can also purchase them. These wonderful ladies who know what you're going through. They know the importance of remembering our angels! If you send them a question or want to talk, they always reply almost immediately! And they know beautiful ways for remembering your angels! The pictures below show my bear and my beautiful block I received from these beautiful, amazing ladies!!

I'm leaving you with some quotes that are true of every baby born. And information for any woman that stumbles across my blog who may be feeling these feelings or asking these questions! My Email is: Mamasbby84@aol.com my Twitter name is @Kayleas_Hope04™ I have a Facebook page: Facebook.com/SupportForMothersofAngels Please feel free to contact me, ANYTIME!!

"Not flesh of my flesh nor bone of my bone. But still, miraculously, my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but in it."

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my babys birth. And whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth."

"Tiny angel rest your wings sit with me for a while. How I long to hold your hand and see your tender smile. Tiny angel look at me I want this image clear…That I’ll forget your precious face that is my biggest fear. Tiny angel, can you tell me why you have gone away? You weren’t here for very long…why is it you couldn’t stay? Tiny angel shook his head “These things I do not know…But I do know that you love me and that I love you so.”

"Beautiful memories silently kept of a baby we love and will NEVER forget!"

"God saw you getting tired, a cure not meant to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered, “Come with me.” With tearful eyes we watched you and saw you fade away, although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, your tender hands at rest. God took you home to prove to us he only takes the best."

What's done in the dark....

After the cops left my house, I went down to my mamas and stayed the night. This time, I wouldn't leave my house. I'd stay there with my baby & my baby girl to be. I didn't make enough to pay my rent but there was proof Jeremy was cheating on me as he admitted it. And he and I had talked about what would happen if we ever broke up. I told him as long as we split on good terms, mutually not because he was cheating on me and as long as he helped me with Gavin, I wouldn't involve the courts or child support. But he broke these terms by cheating. There was only one problem: I didn't have an address for him which was needed to file court papers. He was lying to me saying he was living with a guy named Charlie that he worked with. He'd come see Gavin on a Burgundy colored car and told me it was Charlies car. There was a car seat in the back so I asked if Charlie had children and he said yes a little boy a little older than Gavin. I didn't believe he was living with Charlie. As a matter of fact, I didn't even think Charlie was a real person rather a name he made up. Sometime during all of this, one Friday night, Jeremy had come over to see Gavin. Since he wouldn't tell me where he was living and I didn't know the people he was living with, I wouldn't let him take Gavin and leave. So he'd come to the house and see him. I hated these visits because I hated to see him go. Or maybe it was that I was so hurt by what he was doing I didn't want to see him. Anyway, at this visit, he and I had an argument because he came in and stayed barely ten minutes and kept rushing and trying to leave, mad because I wouldn't let him take Gavin and leave. I said start telling the truth and I might would let you! So he claimed Charlie needed his car and left. Later on that night, me, Gavin and my friend Samantha and her son & daughter went to Walmart to get Sam some hair color. We were walking through the grocery aisle when around a corner pops Jeremy and a woman with her arm looped through his, staring lovingly into each others eyes pushing a buggy full of groceries! As he seen me, his eyes looked like a deer in headlights! He just sort of walked past me. The girl obviously didn't know who I was because she seen me too and it didn't phase her. Until he told her who I was. As he walked by, Gavin seen him and began saying "dada, dada" and he kept walking! That shot fury straight through me!! I said, oh HELL NO!! I come up in front of them and said Did u just hear your son calling for you and you walk by him like you don't know him!! And who is this bitch? Is this the whore you've been cheating on me with?! Of course, he said no, they were just friends. And she said the same thing. I said, PLEASE!! Friends don't stare lovingly into each others eyes while grocery shopping arm in arm! How stupid do you think I am?! I said, you were rushing today saying Charlie needed his car back  when really you were keeping your whore waiting! You can't be bothered to spend time with your son!! Instead you'd rather spend your time with a homewrecking whore! Then she spoke up and said, you don't know me to call me a homewrecking whore. Ha! I said you didn't know me to sleep with my husband either but you did! And to me, that's a homewrecker!! You slept with a married man with a fifteen month old son and a six month pregnant wife at home! That is the makings for a homewrecker!! I looked at her and said is that all you have to say? No explanation as to why you're with my husband in Walmart grocery shopping? Then she said, I don't argue in public. I said do you think I look bad questioning you in public? No, there's nothing you can say that will make ME look bad because you are the one with a married man, NOT ME! You are with my husband in the middle of the night! At this point they left their cart sitting there and started going towards the door to leave. So I followed, cussing them out. I needed to know where he was going so I could give the courts an address. So, I got in my car and tried following them. But I lost them because they knew I was following them.

A few days later, a friend of my moms said she saw Jeremy coming out of a road next to her house on the Burgundy car.

So, I was off to see if I could find him myself! If the courts didn't want to put forth an effort, I'd have to just do my own investigating! He wasn't getting away with it this time!

You can run, but you CAN'T HIDE!

And then there was two (and a half)...

Things were going really good. A week after Gavin turned 1 he started walking. I was so proud of him and very happy to be his mommy! I felt like, for once, that my life made sense and that I couldn't be any happier! But, as always, the past would make its appearance and history would repeat itself! I knew it was too good to be true.

In August 2006, we found out we were expecting again! We were trying because I wanted my children to be close in age not years apart. But I was always scared Jeremy was going to leave again. It was a constant thought in the back of my head and it drove me insane! I'd even ask him if he was going to leave even though I wasn't given a reason to think he would at this point. I guess I was just paranoid. This pregnancy was moving on along and was pretty uneventful. No morning sickness and not too much weight was gained. Gavin was very happy to be getting a little brother or sister. I was high risk again but not as strict as with Gavin. I still had ultrasounds done often. My blood pressure was elevated but not bad enough to be on medication. With this pregnancy, I wasn't as scared as I was with Gavin. I never had bad feelings like something was going to happen to my baby. I was very happy! I was given a due date of April 6, 2007. This time I would be pregnant in the winter not the middle of summer like with Gavin so I'd hoped I wouldn't be so miserable this time! On November 10, 2006, we had our 20 week ultrasound. And everything was perfectly measuring. And we found out IT'S A GIRL!!! I was beyond excited! I had my boy and I had a girl in Heaven, so I wanted a girl to hold in my arms. My arms and my heart was aching for a baby girl!

About a week later, things suddenly began changing. But not with my pregnancy but with Jeremy. He was acting like he always did around my 20th week of pregnancy. Distant, very short with me or either not talking to me at all! Something wasn't right. Finally one day I said, what is your problem? Are you getting ready to leave? Who is the girl you're sleeping with? But of course, he denied sleeping with anyone. But he did just blurt out that he wasn't in love with me anymore! I have no idea what ever caused him to do this out of the blue because we got along so good all the time! And I said so why aren't you happy? He said nothing, just stood there looking at me. We began arguing because I wanted to know why! Why he was going to leave me, again, and this time not just me but our 15 month old son!? How could he do this to his son, who loved his daddy so much?! Anyway, I asked if he was seeing someone and he said no. So I asked him if he'd stay home until Christmas so he could see Gavin and he agreed. I'd hoped he'd change his mind and realize he couldn't leave his son. I was wrong! One night, about 3 days after this, I woke up at 1 am and heard the xbox on in the living room. I also noticed my bedroom door was shut and my TV was turned up louder than usual. So I got up and went into the living room and Jeremy was gone. His stuff was still there. Let me just say, I really didn't think he was cheating this time because I talked to him everyday while he was at work so I knew he was there and if he got off at 5 he was home at 5:30! So I didn't think he was cheating. But when I woke up and he was gone I knew then how he was doing it. He'd wait until Gavin and I were asleep and then he'd leave, in the middle of the night! I found out later that he'd been doing this for a month! Being the compulsive liar he was still tried convincing me he wasn't cheating! After I figured out he'd left, I got Gavin up at one in the morning and went out looking for him. I had no idea where to look I was just desperate and hurt for me and my baby boy and baby girl on the way. I rode for two hours and didn't find him so I went home. The next morning he was back. I couldn't live like that for over another month until Christmas. So I told him, I'm NOT stupid, I know you're seeing someone! Who gets up and leaves in the middle of the night just to ride around. That's what he told me he'd been doing just riding around "thinking." I had filled the car up the day before so if he'd been driving for two hours, he would've used ALOT of gas. But the gas hand hadn't moved. So wherever she was, she was very close by. So when I brought up the gas he caved and told me he was seeing someone. I felt like my heart literally broke in half. All these feelings come rushing through me. Our son, how could you do this to him!? I'm pregnant again with a baby girl you're leaving your pregnant wife and fifteen month old son for a whore you just met a month ago? You're throwing everything we've worked so hard to get! Our home, our family, my family that had started trusting him again because he was so great with Gavin and Gavin loved him so much! How could you!!?? I said when you change your mind don't think you're coming back home because I'm so very sick of this! I'm sick of bring abandoned and lied to and cheated on! I'm not just some whore you slept with I'm your wife, the mother of your children! So I told him to get out! Once again, he grabs an xbox first! Are you kidding?! Screw my son, all I want is my xbox! Seriously!? I won't having it! I grabbed it out of his hands and threw it down as hard as I could! Gavin had come out in the hall from his room and I sat down and comforted him as he cried for his daddy! Jeremy didn't even look up. When he come down the hall he had the xbox in his hands, he kicked me into the wall putting a hole in it and when he jumped over me he kicked Gavin in the head! That was it!! All this just to get an xbox out the backdoor! PATHETIC!! So I called 911! He left on foot but apparently she picked him up. He told me before the argument that he was going to stay with a guy he worked with, not the person he was seeing. I didn't believe him, I knew better! The cops arrived and Assault & Battery charges were filed against him on me and Gavin!

He was gone, again. But this time, he not only left me but our son and unborn baby girl. Over the next couple weeks, everything began coming to the light, all the lies led to the truth and it shocked me to my core.......

The pictures below show me while pregnant a couple weeks before her birth. Ultrasound pictures, one of her lil foot and the other is a side profile of her. It may be hard to make out as they are old!

Gavins first year!

After the fiasco with Bethany and Shane, my mama and step-dad lent Jeremy and I the money to rent us a place to live. Our first place as a family! It was nice and everything just sort of fell into place! Three days after moving in, I got a job at the dry cleaners in my town. Which was great for then because Jeremy paid rent and this job allowed me to spend ALOT of time with Gavin as the hours were generally short. My mama was working third shift at the nursing home as a certified nurses aid (CNA) so I had to be at work at 7am and mom got off at 6am so she'd come over and watch Gavin while Jeremy and I worked during the day. Which worked out well. At this time, we weren't talking to Bethany and Shane anymore. But around April of 2006 Bethany got a job at the same Walmart Jeremy worked at. Now, I knew Jeremy and he would lie if he thought I'd get mad at him so I knew he would start talking to her. Which he did. And eventually she told us that the "eviction" was Shanes idea and she had nothing to do with it but I knew better! She wanted us gone because we told Shane about her leaving everyday after he'd go to work and about her sleeping with other men in HIS BED!! So she wanted us gone too! But I eventually let it go because I was only focused on Gavin! Jeremy and I were doing GREAT and I was scared Bethany would somehow mess it up. We always argued when she was around because she would tell me things he'd done in the past.

Before I had Gavin, at my initial doctors appointment for a pap smear, my smear come back with abnormal cells. I was told if it was severe enough my pregnancy would have to be terminated. Luckily, it wasn't and it could wait until after Gavins birth. Well in July of 06 I decided to have it taken care of as it was HPV but not the warts causing kind. This kind caused cervical cancer. I wandered how I kept from getting pregnant during this year as we didn't use any protection while having sex. So, I had the procedure done.

A few weeks later, it was time for Gavins first birthday!! My baby boy was growing up so quickly! By then he had a full head of blondish brown curly hair and was just beautiful! He wasn't quite walking yet. He walked around furniture but couldn't alone yet. We had him a Spongebob themed first birthday party. He loved Spongebob!! And he still does!! Me and Jeremy got him his first big boy bed a Spongebob toddler bed that came with a table and two chairs and a toybox set. He loved it even though at this time he was still sleeping with me. He got bronchitis at eight months old and had slept with me ever since. We put him in his big boy bed and he'd get up in the middle of the night and go looking for Jeremy in the living room. Oh, gosh, he loved his dada!!

But not long after his first birthday, we would find out more news. And I would find out my life wasn't so perfect after all.....

My bout with MRSA!

To anyone who follows my blog or reads regularly, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I've been really sick. But I plan on starting back up in the next few days with my story. But right now I'm going to tell you all about my bout with MRSA. I mentioned having caught MRSA from the hospital I had Gavin in.

Let me start by saying my SIL Bethany, had MRSA as well. And of course that's where they claimed I got it from. Even though several doctors told me that while it is contagious, it's not easily caught. They told me I'd basically have to take a bath in the same water as Bethany to catch it from her. Which I did not do! I'd lived with Bethany off and on for three years and hadn't caught it from her so why would I catch it now? I didn't. I caught it from the hospital!

About a week after I had Gavin, I was at my mamas one day while Jeremy was at work and I laid down for a bit. When I woke up I had a small bump on the side of my knee that had a black head on it and was really red & warm to the touch around it. It looked like a spider bite. It itched like a bug bite. When we got home that evening I showed it to Bethany and she said immediately, it's MRSA!! I said please don't say that!! The next day when I woke up I had those little bumps all over my legs and on my sides! I made a doctors appointment. At the appointment the Dr busted a bump and slime green stuff came out and blood. The Dr tested the stuff and it come back as MRSA and these bumps were boils. The doctor said they probably started out as bug bites but where I had MRSA in my blood stream these bumps turned into boils. He put me on a seven day supply of an antibiotic called bactrim and sent me home. He told me if these bumps still popped up while on the antibiotic than it wasn't working. I actually seen several doctors. After the 7 day supply didn't work, I was put on a 21 day supply and pain medication because it was VERY painful! During all this, my milk had come in and a milk gland had gotten clogged up. And of course, that turned into MRSA!! Very, very painful this was!! I was sent to the breast imagery center where woman were sent who had breast cancer. At this place, my breast was cut open and drained which was horribly painful! Afterwards, a drain tube was placed in so that anything remaining would come out. This stayed in place for two weeks. But the MRSA wasn't going away. So it was decided that the only thing left to do was IV antibiotics. I was given two options: to go into the hospital for two weeks or do the IV at home. I couldn't go into the hospital, I had a two week old son at home! So I chose the at home IV. I was sent to a place to have a 17 inch pick line that went into my arm and into my chest. It was a very unique procedure that took nearly three hours to complete as it had to go into a specific vein. After it was in, an X-Ray had to be done to make sure it was in the right vein. And luckily it was! So for the next two weeks, Jeremy had to hook antibiotics up to my IV for two weeks. Finally, it went away. After three months of pure sickness, it finally went away!! This was in the middle of all the drama we had to deal with from Bethany and Shane!

I'll continue that nonsense tomorrow....

Lowest of low done by "family"...

We we're discharged from the hospital on July 29th. Mama had decided to have us a little gathering at her and my step-dads the next day. Some of my family was coming down and wanted to meet Gavin. Things weren't going good where we were living. We were still living with Jeremys sister, Bethany and her boyfriend, Shane. Bethany was acting strange. One day she'd be fine. She was friendly and if she heard Gavin crying at night, alot, she would come get him so Jeremy and I could sleep a little. But then the next day she wouldn't even speak to us. She was cranky and mad on these bad days. I found out later that she was on drugs and that was the cause for the mood swings. Shane worked second shift and she'd leave everyday after he'd go to work, apparently to do drugs. They were starting to do things like cleaning the carpet in the middle of the night, anything to make ALOT of noise. It was as if they were just trying to make us want to leave. And BELIEVE ME, WE WANTED TO LEAVE! But we had nowhere else to go. Jeremy had literally just started work at Walmart. He got the job the day I went in to have Gavin but they gave him a week so he could be with me. And after he started working, I went to my moms while he was at work because Bethany was getting out of hand!

The final straw happened on the first night I let mama keep Gavin by herself. We all decided to have a fun night playing board games and drink a little. Although I didn't drink, I just don't like drinking plus it was my first night away from Gavin and just in case I decided I needed to go get him I needed to be sober! But Bethany had gotten drunk. I went into the kitchen to get something and all of a sudden, Bethany started cursing Shane out, accusing he and I of "making eyes at one another"! I didn't even look his way. As a matter of fact, my back was to Shane the entire time! Remember how I said Bethany would tell what Jeremy had been doing if she was mad? Well, it happened! Her and Shane let stuff fly! She told me that Jeremy had been sleeping with Carolyn (the woman he lived with in Farmville after we split) for two weeks before I left. And that he was telling me he had to work and I was taking him to work and she'd be waiting for him! So I basically gave him a ride to cheat on me! If he "worked" 1-10 she'd bring him back by 9:30, back to me! What kind of heartless ASSHOLE does that to his PREGNANT wife?! But, of course, he said she was lying because she was mad. Which she was a horrible pathological liar! So I never knew when to believe her or not! But when Shane told me much later I believed him. After the argument, Jeremy, Shane and myself went to the store. When we left, Bethany was sitting in Shanes truck listening to CDs. I told him to get his keys from her but he didn't. When we got back home, she was gone! We searched all night and couldn't find her. My mama called the next morning and said a nurse had called her and Bethany was in the hospital. She had wrecked his truck less than a mile from our house and totaled it! She was going 80mph in a residential area where the speed limit was only 25mph! But of course Shane picked up and within a day they were "perfect" again!

After this, I couldn't take them anymore! We all went weeks and didn't speak. Then one day, Jeremy and I came in and there was a letter from Shanes landlord saying he'd found out we were living there and that we weren't on the lease so we had to move or he'd be evicted as well. So, another argument broke out because I wasn't buying it! The landlord had been there while we were there he didn't care! A few days later we went back to get our things and Bethany had us locked out. All if my stuff and all of Gavins things were inside! Eventually we were let in and we got our stuff and left! We found out that Shane had wrote that letter himself and even went to the website of the landlord and copy and pasted the logo on the letter! Instead if being a man and asking us like adults! He falsely put me out with my barely month old son!! Just pathetic!

All of that aside, I felt so happy because I had my beautiful son! Only bad thing was when I was in the hospital, I accidentally pulled out a staple from my incision and got MRSA from the hospital! This caused me to not be able to do much with Gavin as I didn't want him to get it! Below are pictures of Gavin after we got home and the one with him wearing blue jeans was his first checkup at 4 weeks. The one with the other baby is my friend Sams baby boy, Brayden, that's two days older than Gavin, the baby yawning is Brayden.

We had a rocky start after Gavin was born, but things got better very quickly! But of course, in my life, nothing good lasts at all....

Welcome, Gavin Riley Todt!

After what seemed like only a minute, I awoke, still on the operating table. I was in horrendous pain and had to move immediately after waking up from the operating table onto my bed.

None of this mattered, not the pain, nothing mattered except for him! My baby boy! I began asking, begging for someone to tell me he was ok! I arrived in the recovery room asking about him. Finally, a nurse told me, he's fine! I asked how much he weighed as you remember I said the doctors estimated him to weigh over 8 pounds because my stomach was huge! So the nurse called up to the nursery, where he was getting his first bath, to find out for me. She came back and told me 4lbs 12ozs 18 1/4 inches long! I said is something wrong with him? Why is he so small!? She said by high blood pressure caused him to have low birth weight but he was healthy and would come home with me when I go. The doctor came in to talk to me and tell me how things went. He said Gavins heart rate was dropping because his cord was around his neck three times. That combined with my contractions coming so strong and close together, he had hardly no oxygen. And had we not got to him then, he would've died! I thanked God hundreds of times, thanked him for letting me keep my son!

After about forty five minutes in recovery, I was FINALLY going to meet my son! The hospital I was at was small, very small, therefore, Gavin was the only baby in the nursery! As my bed was wheeled by, a nurse held him up in the window for me to see! I heard his beautiful screams which was music to my ears! It felt like I'd been waiting a century to hear those screams! Finally I was a mother, a mother to a baby I would bring home with me!! Since I was put to sleep for my c-section, Jeremy and mama seen him before I did. Which kind of bummed me out because I'm his mother I should've seen him first! But I wasn't going to complain! Seeing him, period, was fine with me!!

A few minutes after I was back in my room, the nurse rolled him in! And there are no words to describe how happy I was to finally see and hold my baby! The baby that had kicked so hard, the baby that was responsible for my terrible heartburn I kept for nine months, the baby I wanted and needed more than life itself! He was absolutely perfect! The most beautiful and precious baby I'd ever laid eyes on! And he was mine, ALL MINE!! He had jet black hair, a head full, he had a big white birthmark on his back that look like splattered paint, which I said came from me pushing on my stomach so much making him move! He was so tiny! The doctor said he had to hold oxygen under his nose for just a few seconds so he would catch his breath. But that was it! He also had a mild case of jaundice which he had to stay under lights in the nursery. I had to feed him in the nursery on that first night. Still, I didn't care! I was so happy to finally have my baby! I couldn't get over how beautiful he was! I was sure he'd have red hair like his daddy but no, he had black hair like me! Visitors came and went all day. My friend Melitta who was pregnant at the same time as me, had given birth to her son on June 29th and my other friend Samantha had her baby boy, Brayden, on July 25th just 2 days before Gavin came!

Finally, I was happy! I felt like the doctors could tell me then I couldn't have kids anymore and that would be ok because I had Gavin! Although that wasn't the case! I had my happy family at last! And I just knew now that we had a living baby, Jeremy wouldn't leave anymore. We were starting our life now!

We weren't prepared for what his sister, Bethany, and her boyfriend, Shane, who we lived with, would do after we got home!

The photos below show me seeing and holding Gavin for the first time, his footprints, his birth announcement, a picture of him right after being born and a picture of him coming home (the one with the pacifier in his mouth).

Please God, don't take him!

On July 26, 2005, I had a regular baby checkup. By this time, I was 37 weeks pregnant and had been coming to the doctor once a week since 32 weeks when I went into preterm labor. At this visit on the 26th, I was getting very tired of being pregnant! I still had PUPPS disease and it was driving me insane! I was HUGE and swelled up as it was the middle of summer. Doctors had estimated that Gavin would weigh over 8 pounds and the last ultrasound I had at 35 weeks said he weighed almost 6 pounds. But my mind was reminding me of how lucky I was to even be pregnant and to have made it this far in my pregnancy! I was just miserable and ready to have my baby. Ready to begin the next part, being a parent! I was so ready to be a mommy! I told my doctor how miserable I was so he set an induction date. But to help speed things along, he stripped my membranes. I don't exactly know what that means but it hurt! That night, I ate beanie weenies before I went to bed which gave me horrible heartburn! I remember I was dreaming that I had him and he was stillborn I woke up having a contraction at 6:00 am. I woke Jeremy up and told him it was time! I called my mama to come get us as we had an hour and a half drive ahead of us! We stopped by McDonalds and got a biscuit. I couldn't eat mine. My contractions were back to back and bad! I didn't think we'd ever get to the hospital!

When we arrived, I was taken to labor and delivery where I was hooked up to the stress monitor. All three doctors from my doctors office were in my room lined up talking and pointing to the monitor. This scared be so bad! The thing was, I was having massive contractions one right behind the other with pretty much no break in between. Plus, I wasn't dialating at all! I had been at a 3 for weeks by that point. And with every contraction, Gavins heart rate was dropping and very low! The nurse would come running in my room and making me lay on my side. At one point his heart rate dropped down to 40! All I kept thinking was I'm this close and I'm going to lose my baby! And I prayed, please God don't take him from me, PLEASE!!

When his heart rate dropped to 40, the nurse and doctors came in turning me and were kinda panicking! I knew they knew something I didn't know! The nurse told me I would have to go in and have an emergency c-section. I had only just got to the hospital barely thirty minutes before this so there was no time for an epidural. His heart rate was dropping and fast! I had a nurse taking off my jewelry and one putting a catheter in. I would have to be put to sleep there was no other way! Without Jeremy or my mama because it was an emergency and they didn't know what was to come so the anesthesiologist wouldn't let them come with me. The last thing I saw as I was wheeled into the elevator was mama and Jeremy standing in the hall outside my room crying. I kept asking the doctor, is everything ok?! Please don't tell me my babys going to die! PLEASE DON'T!!! I prayed, please God, please don't take my baby boy, please not again! Please let me wake up to a screaming baby, a breathing baby, PLEASE!! I think I would've sold my soul to the highest bidder just to keep my baby boy!! I continued to pray, continued begging God to let me have him!!

As the mask was put on my face and I was told to count backwards from ten, I had but one thing on my mind: Gavin Riley Todt! Let the love I already feel for him pull him through! Tears rolled down my face as I shut my eyes and was out.....

Life was just beginning...

I was so happy that my pregnancy was going so well. Besides my blood pressure being high, things were going smoothly. I had been thinking of names for my baby boy and decided on Gavin Riley. Gavin after Gavin Rosdale of Bush and Riley because it fit well with Gavin. My other two friends who were pregnant with me, Melitta and Sam, found out they were having boys as well!

Jeremys sister, Bethany, had moved a few miles from me with her new boyfriend and my friend, Shane. I get a call from Jeremy one day saying he is moving in with Bethany and Shane. When I asked him what happened at Carolyns, he said she was getting "psycho" and kept saying "you're gonna go back with your wife". I said, if nothing was going on then why would she say that to you? What difference would it make if you came back to me? He said that's what I mean my psycho. She wanted us to be together and I told her no. I'm thinking, yeah right! Do you think I'm stupid?! But that was his story and he was sticking to it! But one thing he had done, was doing right by me. I couldn't understand why we weren't together. I loved his so much and all I wanted was to be with him and us be a family with our son! He was here about a month before we brought it up. But a month after he'd moved back, he wanted me to come stay the night with him so I did. The next day I went over to my friend Sams and there was a guy there and Jeremy didn't like it. So I asked him what difference does it make? You act like you don't want to be with me. So that's when he asked if we could get back together. Of course we can! I loved him so much! I thought, things are going to be different now! Just wait until Gavin gets here! He won't be able to leave him! So we were officially back together. I soon packed up mine and Gavins baby things and moved in with Jeremy at Shanes. Which would later prove to be a huge mistake!

When I was 32 weeks pregnant, we ran into some trouble. I began going into labor. I went to the hospital in Farmville because even though I was living an hour and a half away I still went there because I loved the doctors. They were able to stop my labor, thank God. But I was put on partial bed rest and told not to swim or have sex. Also, I developed a disease only pregnant women get called PUPPS disease. It was a rash on my legs and stomach that resembled poison oak and itched horribly! It would only go away after I had the baby! So, I had atleast 8 weeks to go if I carried full term. Luckily I didn't. I was prescribed a pill for itching to help with it. Ugh, it was terrible! It's another type of this kind of disease where you itch but it's nothing there and my doctor told me people had actually committed suicide because it drove them crazy! On July 10, 2005 I had my baby shower for Gavin and got everything I needed plus some! The pictures show more ultrasound pictures, my belly at 6 months and my belly three days before Gavin was born and some pictures from my baby shower and a belly picture from my baby shower on July 10, 17 days before he was born.

I was all ready for my baby boy! The only thing left was waiting for him to get here! Which, in true "Toni" fashion, was not uneventful!!

History repeats itself!

This time of year is always hard for me as this is when my life was turned upside down, now nine years ago!

Things were going well for me now, pregnancy wise. I was given a due date of August 17, 2005. At every appointment, I had an ultrasound done to check my babys development. Which calmed my nerves some. At this same time, my two best friends, at the time, also found out they were pregnant. One of them, Melitta, found out a month before me, the other, my friend Samantha I've mentioned, was due a few weeks before me. My pregnancy was going smoothly but of course every little thing scared me to my core! I constantly had my hands on my stomach making the baby move (when it got to this point). Melitta rented me an at home doppler that I kept glued to my stomach!

But, around 17 weeks of pregnancy, Jeremy began acting as he did when I was pregnant with Kaylea. Just being mean in a subtle way. Not talking to me and when he did he constantly argued with me and made me feel like it was my fault because I was "hormonal"! When all it was, was HIM NOT ME!! I felt that familiar itch! That familiar feeling and thought, he's going to leave me, AGAIN! Only this time I was on his turf, so to speak, I lived with HIS family! What would I do?! So after some time of putting up with this, I finally asked, well demanded, to know what his problem was! And it came out, same as last time! I'm not happy with you, you've got to go! REALLY?! AGAIN, YOU ASSHOLE?! So, I walked out the bedroom, crying, and called my mama and asked to come home. By this time, Jeremys sister, Bethany, had also moved into their grandmas house. Bethany ALWAYS knew what Jeremy was doing but wouldn't tell me unless she was mad, which she later did, much later. But of course Jeremy would say, she's only telling you this because she's mad at me. But I was NOT stupid I knew better! So, as I left that day, I told Jeremy, I do not want to hear that you're telling people this baby isn't yours! You know it is! I've lived with you at your grandmas since before I was pregnant, miles away from anyone I know, so you know it's yours! I asked him if there was someone else and he swore there wasn't! I worked at the same place as him so I took him to work even on days I was off so this time I really didn't think there was anyone else! Oh, but I was so wrong! I told him I expected him to call me everyday because he was not going to treat me like he did with Kaylea! He was to help me and he was to go to every single doctors appointment with me, including my next ultrasound in a few weeks as we would learn the sex of our baby! And he agreed. But a few weeks later, as I knew, Bethany was mad at Jeremy. Jeremy moved out of his grandmas and told me he was staying with a guy he worked with, Jamal. I had been there before because we had watched the superbowl there a month earlier. I needed the key to his grandmas to go get some things so I went to Jamals house. When he came to the door, he looked confused and asked what was up. I said is Jeremy home I need to talk to him. He said, Jeremy? I haven't seen him since y'all watched the superbowl here! BUSTED!! So, I call Jeremy and I'm like what is going on? WHERE ARE YOU LIVING?! So, he tells me a woman named Carolyn he worked with told him he could rent a room at her house and he had told Jamal to tell me he hadn't seen him when really he had seen him and Jeremy had moved out a few days earlier. All lies! I remembered Carolyn from work. She worked in the deli and everytime we were in the break room together, she'd give me evil looks like she just hated me! Like I said, I'm not stupid! Most of the time, a man and woman don't live together unless they're sleeping together! What world did he think I lived in?! But all the while, I wasn't going to let myself get upset! Stress was not killing another baby of mine! So I concentrated on my baby! On April 7, 2005 I had my 20 week ultrasound (at 21 weeks this time). My mama and I went by wal-mart and picked him up and headed to the doctors. Jeremy had gotten a brand new cell phone and still maintained he was just "friends" with Carolyn. And let me just say, at this time, Jeremy was 23 and I was 20, getting ready to turn 21 in a few months and Carolyn was 45! Old enough to be his mama! And she was very unattractive! Anyway, we arrived at the doctor and I was hooked up to the ultrasound machine. On the screen I saw my tiny 15 ounce baby and IT'S A BOY!!! Every measurement was perfect, he was perfect! I was no longer sad about Jeremy, I was elated for my son!!

Things were getting ready to change again. For the better...

Another positive pregnancy test!!

The new year starts in a mere 4 minutes and I'm at home, my babies tucked away in their warm beds, continuing my story, by choice! I hope everyone are having/had a Happy New Year!!

Jeremy and I were living with his grandma. We had both gotten jobs at the wal-mart in Farmville. Me, working in the jewelry department, him, working in the meat department. Things were going well for us. One of the stipulations of us living with his grandma was that we had to go to church with them. Which, don't get me wrong, is fine, but this particular church was more like a cult! It was held in an old closed down elementary school and the people, only about 15 of them, were crazy!! So to keep from going, I would make sure I worked on Sundays or if I was off, I came down to my mamas! Jeremy was not a church person, at all! When Thanksgiving came around, Jeremys uncle was coming down from northern Virginia and stay a few days. It's funny because I remember telling Jeremy, we've gotta have sex before he gets here because we won't be able to for a few days, lol!! At this time, Jeremy was still pretty much still hated by my family because of Kaylea. But by Christmas, my family had come around and started allowing him back into the house. At Christmas, I realized I had missed my period. One way I always knew I was pregnant was because I'd dream about food! And when I woke up I'd HAVE to have whatever I dreamed about! So, one weekend, I stayed with my mama and dreamed about her fried chicken and the next day she had to fix me some! After this, I got a pregnancy test and it was, once again, positive!!! So, I made a doctors appointment which confirmed my pregnancy.

Once again I found myself elated & nervous at the same time! I had an ultrasound in January of 2005 that showed that I was eight weeks along. The picture below shows this though it's really old so I don't know if you can see it but my peanut is there! I was scheduled to see a high risk doctor once a month along with my regular baby doctor. Upon my first visit to this HR doctor, she offered an explanation as to why Kaylea died. She said I had developed Pre-eclampsia (or toxemia as it was called) and it wasn't caught in time and it cut her oxygen supply off. It gave me a little sense of closure but not much as it was just a guess not for sure. But my blood pressure went up again with this pregnancy only it was caught and I was given a pill to take during my pregnancy to maintain it. These doctors treated me VERY well! Really great doctors!

This time I knew I would get my much wanted baby! But what I didn't know was what lay ahead for me and Jeremy....