Delivering my sleeping angel..

After I talked to my dad the nurse came in to explain what would take place next. She started me on an IV with magnesium sulfate in it. Magnesium is used to lower blood pressure and keep the patient from having seizures. I had been diagnosed with Toxemia or commonly called pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure was 190/120 and my heartbeat was 190bpm. So the heartbeat the nurse heard at the other hospital was my heartbeat, not my babys! Anyway, my wonderful doctor came in and told me that within a matter of minutes I could end up in ICU with brain damage and kidney failure. Since the baby had already died, the main concern was me and keeping me stable as the only cure for toxemia was delivery. I could have any medication I wanted for pain except an epidural because my blood pressure was so high. They also put a catheter in me because I wasn't allowed to get up until after delivery.

My mama asked what would happen as far as the baby would go. She brought in a purple box and inside was a shirt, a lil heart pillow, three seashells, a tape measure, a little baggy, a tiny hat and a card that had a spot for the name, date of birth, weight and parents names. Instead of an IT'S A GIRL banner on my door I had a picture of a leaf with a tear drop falling off of it. The nurse told my mama that I had to hold her, I had no choice. Mama didn't want me to see her because the doctor told me she quit growing at twenty two weeks. My twenty week ultrasound said she weighed 9 ounces and she'd been dead for two weeks so I was afraid of what she would look like. Plus, I was 19 years old, I'd never been through this nor did I know anyone who'd been through it! So mama expressed her concerns and the nurse pulled the ultrasound up again. She showed mama two spots, one on her hand and one on her foot, that would be dry. She said said she'd be dark complected and dry. But that I had no choice. My doctor came in and he cried as he told me I must acknowledge her as my child. That she's a baby, my baby! So I prepared myself to see her.

A little while later, my daddy came in with Jeremy. He hugged me and cried but I couldn't help but think, why are you crying?! You're the one who left and told everyone she wasn't yours!! I only wanted him there so he'd have to see it like I did! I wanted him to feel the same pain I was feeling. Although, he could never feel it as I was I was feeling it!

The doctor came in and started me on pitocin. He told me it would take 8 hours max for me to begin actual labor. But 10 hours later still no baby. After that, they tried something else and I can't remember what it was but that didn't work. My step-dad pulled my Dr. out in the hall and said "you said 8hours max it's been over 24 hours, DO SOMETHING!" The magnesium put me in an almost coma, I couldn't talk but I could hear everything. My mama is a CNA and I heard her tell my step-dad that I was dying because of the way I was snoring. She said people snore like that before they die. So I'm thinking "what do they know that I don't?!" All the while, Jeremy is SLEEPING on a cot at the end of my bed! SLEEPING, NOT HELPING!! Sometime later in the early morning hours of Saturday, March 20th, the nurse came in and put suppositories behind my cervix and that worked! I remember waking up feeling like I had to have a bowel movement. The nurse ran in and Kaylea was coming! She lifted me up and my mama was on one side my step-dad on the other and I began pushing. I stopped contracting and my cervix closed on her head. She was breached, her legs came out first. My step-dad couldn't take anymore and ran out. I heard my mama yell at Jeremy, GET YOUR ADS OVER HERE AND HELP HER!!! So he came over to my other side. A doctor came in, the one that was there wasn't my doctor and he was an asshole! He reached in and opened my cervix and pulled her out. I prayed please let them be wrong! Please let her come out breathing! PLEASE!! But that was not to be!

Kaylea Blair Todt was born on March 20, 2004 at 7:11 am. She weighed in at 1lb 2ozs and was 11 1/2 inches long. And she was PERFECT! She was, as the nurse had told me, dark complected and she had very dry skin. She had red hair, just like Jeremy! She looked just like him. Which was great because it proved she was his!! Her legs were long like his! She was just like him! They brought her to me and I layed her on a pillow in my lap. I looked at every part of her perfect tiny body! And I thought "why, God, why did you take my baby girl?! I want her, I need her so bad! Jeremy may have deserves something bad but I DON'T!!" Jeremy left as soon as she was born. At this point I didn't care. All that mattered to me was my perfect angel!

They came in and took her a little while later and took her to the morgue, to keep her cold. I wanted to keep her with me! I was so very glad I held her and seen her! I think now I would've regretted this the rest of my life had I not seen her!

Now, I had to plan a funeral for my angel. More pain was headed my way...