I began to slowly pick up the pieces to my life after Kayleas death. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that Jeremy and I were over as well. Even though I was still madly in love with him! I seen the good in him and I tried to cling to it! My mama had gotten me a job at the nursing home she was a nursing assistant at and the same place I'd worked all through high school. I was hired only two weeks after Kayleas death but I wanted out of my house! Sitting there day in and day out was causing me to become stuck in my own grief. A place I was beginning to believe I was to stay stuck in! My heart yearned for my baby girl and at the same time for my husband! I decided to move in with my friend, Lisa, and help her out. She was the only person I told I was still in love with Jeremy.
By June of '04, it had been three months since I'd spoken to Jeremy. I made a decision to write him a letter telling him I was still in love with him, though I didn't know why I was nor did I understand it. All I knew was I still loved him. I sent the letter to the home the crazy family he was living with had here. In hopes that Jeremy would be the one who checked the mail. To make sure it wasn't thrown away, I didn't put a return address on it. As I knew Rocky would throw it away if she seen my name on it. Two days later, I was at work and on my break I noticed a missed call from a strange number. So I checked my voicemail and it was Jeremy. He told me he'd left from Rockys and wanted to get back together. He'd made a plan to leave before he received my letter and my letter meant he'd have a place to go once he left. I'd told him in the letter that if we were done, I was going to file for a divorce and move on from him. After work, I went and picked him up. He was very apologetic and I believed him. I wanted to love him the same as I always had but the past six months wouldn't let me. He had to gain my trust again. After a while, he moved in with me at Lisas. Things seemed back to normal. Let me just say, when things were good with him, they were GOOD and when they were bad, they were BAD! We didn't argue at all, EVER. I never understood why he'd leave me because we were so great together!
Anyway, my mama found out I was back together with him and she waited until I went to work one night to come to our house and cuss him out. She told him it was his fault Kaylea died because he left me and caused severe stress on me! I found it hard to take up for him because part of me believed this to be true. After a while people got over it. Soon, I began getting that familiar itch, a familiar yearning. I wanted another baby. When Jeremy moved in, Lisa told me I couldn't live there if I got pregnant. Because we lived in her basement and it was no place to bring a baby. But I didn't care. My heart was calling out to me and I listened!
In late August of '04, I missed my period. I took a home pregnancy test and the positive sign was there but faintly. So I called the local clinic and scheduled a pregnancy test. I went and it was positive! We were expecting again!!! We were both elated! But nerves soon set in as I thought, he's going to leave me again or what if this baby is stillborn to? And Lisa said I can't live here pregnant so where will we live? A million thoughts were going through my mind! And one thing was for sure, my motherly instinct was telling me something was wrong. Maybe I was just paranoid.
Alas, this baby was not to be.....
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