Burying my precious angel, Kaylea..

I hope everyone had a great Christmas!!

As I laid in the hospital coming out of a comatose state, my mama went home and cleared all of Kayleas stuff out of my room. I had been staying with my daddy but I didn't bring her stuff as I was hoping I would be back by the time I had her. Jeremy didn't seem like he really wanted to be with me. He left the hospital literally as soon as she was born. My mama and our close friend, Sheri, went to the funeral home and made all the arrangements. She was to be buried in what they called a burial cradle. It was made specifically for stillbirths. It was off white with a fern etched in the top and was 17 inches long. I held my baby one more time before the funeral home got there to get her. They told my mama that she could bring her to the funeral home but she just couldn't make herself do it.

I was released from the hospital the day after I had Kaylea on March 21, 2004. Me and mama went by the funeral home so I could pay the last of the bill. Sheri, mamas friend, had very kindly payed $200 on the funeral. They surprised me by bringing my Kaylea out to me! It's weird but as the days went by, she got pinker, it was like she was coming to life. Maybe I just wanted her to come alive. I thought, maybe if I love her more, God will give her back. Oh, how I needed her!! On the way home, I stopped by daddys to get my clothes because mama was letting me come back home. I remember when they told me Kaylea was gone, the first thing I said was mama can I please come home now, crying. My great grandmother lived next door to my daddy and she was getting old and she's diabetic and had lost her vision. So when I did Kayleas obituary, I had them put it on the local radio station so she could listen to it. I sat with her while she listened, tears running down her sweet face. She knew all to well what it was like as she lost two baby boys, one 6 months old and one a little over a year old. After ALOT of tears, we left.

When I got home, I began deciding what do for her funeral. I'd never planned s funeral before. I had a friend that had a baby boy die from SIDS at 2 months old and at his funeral they read a poem "Little Angels" and I loved it. So I found it on the Web. I printed a copy for the preacher to read and I framed a copy to lay on her grave. I decided on just a graveside memorial service. No viewing. I wanted her all to myself and until now I haven't showed it to anybody. I finally shared her picture on twitter.

I called Jeremy to tell him what time the funeral was and told him he was riding with me. The funeral was on March 22nd. I had a friends mom make a casket spray that turned out bigger than the casket! I went to pick up Jeremy and he wouldn't talk to me. When arrived at the graveside, I got to see my baby one more time. I put pictures in with her of me and Jeremy. She was so small, so instead of clothes, I wrapped her up in a Peter Rabbit blanket my granny that had brain cancer gave me for her.

Shortly there after, people started coming. I was VERY UPSET to see BA and Shannon (Stephanies sister I mentioned earlier) show up. I was very clear when I said I did not want them there! But I was on ALOT of medication so I didn't say anything. The funeral was beautiful! But so final.

This is the poem I had read at her service.

Little Angels
When God calls little children to dwell with him above
We mortals sometimes question
The wisdom of his love.

For no heartache compares
To the death of one small child.
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful & mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold,
So he picks a rosebud before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them & so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try,
For the saddest word mankind knows will always be goodbye.

So when a little child departs we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children, angels are hard to find!

Now, I was to begin to move on. Which I didn't even want to think about. And these horrible people Jeremy was living with wouldn't let me.

I was not at all prepared for what they were going to do next...