And so it was, my Kaylea was gone!

So there I was, living with my daddy. Jeremy would come up and see me but he wasn't the same. He wouldn't touch me, not in a sexual way. He didn't laugh, he didn't talk. If he came he wouldn't stay the night with me. That's what made me think he had ulterior motives!

On Thursday March 18, 2004, I had a doctors appointment a baby checkup. At the time I was going to my local clinic, but this would be the only pregnancy that I'd go there. I peed in a cup as I always did except this time I'd have +2 protein in my urine. Which is a sign of toxemia or pre-eclampsia. I'll refer to it as toxemia. Anyway, I can't remember if my blood pressure was up but I'm sure it was because of what happened 2 hours later. Then I laid on the examining table and the nurse stuck the doppler on my stomach. I prayed, please, please, please baby girl let me hear your beautiful heartbeat! Please God be with her! Please let her be alive! A heartbeat was being picked up but very faintly. The nurse had a confused look on her face. I asked "can you hear her heartbeat? Please tell me you can!" She said I hear A heartbeat. So she cleaned the jelly off my stomach and left the room. While I sat there, alone because Jeremy wouldn't come with me, I prayed, once again, "Dear God, a part of me knows you've already taken by precious girl, but please see me fit to let me keep her! I need her more than you know! Please, God!!" A few minutes later the nurse returned. She told me I was to go to the Danville hospital, not the one I went to where the nurses were so evil! She said to go there because they took my insurance and the other one didn't. She said I was to go to the maternity ward for a non-stress test or stress test. I said, "is something wrong?" She said I don't think so but just to be sure. I think she knew but the clinic wasn't equipped with a doctor and a doctor has to deliver that news.

So, I called Jeremy to tell him to come as I believed our baby was not doing good. But of course, I was told he was "working." He wasn't, he was sitting right beside the phone. So I called my mama who was at my grannys, taking care if her. I told her that I was being sent to the hospital and I began to cry. So she left my grannys and came to the clinic to meet me and take me to the hospital. All the while, I know I knew in my heart the news I would get. My mama was oblivious but could tell I was worried.

We arrived at the hospital and were sent to the maternity ward. There, a WONDERFUL NURSE hooked me up to the stress machine. Everytime I heard a heartbeat I said, "that's it!" But it wasn't. At this time I was twenty seven weeks along and the nurse said sometime you can't pick up the heartbeat until thirty weeks and told me not to worry. So, she then got the doppler and, NOTHING! So, she then got an ultrasound machine, like the other hospital should've done, and put it to my stomach. There, on the screen, was the lifeless body of my precious baby girl! I asked, what's going on?! She said I'll be back. Then a horrid doctor came in. He looked at the screen and pointed to a few things out to the nurse. My mama was screaming, "WHAT'S GOING ON!?" Then, he turned to us, and in a very straightforward way, blatantly said, "she's dead, and from all indications, she's been dead for TWO WEEKS!"

I felt my world melt away! I began thinking, "WHY, WHY MY BABY GIRL, WHY!?" But, in all honesty, I feel like I knew but no one would listen to me! I thought, my husband might be an asshole but I was going to make up for that! God, I want her, I need her so bad!! Why is this happening to me?! To my baby?!

My mama, my poor mama, just started screaming, oh my God, no!! At that moment, I had to help her because she was so shocked and I wasn't, my heart knew!

Where do we go from here? What happens next? After the crying and initial heart break, it was time to start inducing me to give birth to my sleeping angel. I begged, please do a c-section, please don't make me have to give birth to a baby I wouldn't bring home to keep! The doctors said she was too little for a c-section and too big for a D&C. Vaginal birth was the only way. I called my daddy and told him. I said go to that house and MAKE Jeremy come here! I don't care what they threaten! If I have to go through this, he will too!! She's his baby, weather he wants to believe it or not, SHE'S HIS!!! 

And so began the two most horrible days of my life! Where I give birth to my sleeping angel and nearly loose my own life in the process!!