Grief made another appearance..

After the doctor scheduled the D&C, he did a vaginal exam. I don't know what he did, but it HURT! And it also made me start bleeding, really bad!! It's almost like he was trying to get the baby out right then! Anyway, my mama and Jeremy were with me and after the exam, mama took us out to eat. I couldn't even stand up to get my food (it was a buffet) because I was cramping and bleeding so bad.

By this time, Jeremy and I had moved in with his grandma. So, like I said, we we're a long way from the hospital I was to go to. After we refined home, I was bleeding extremely bad. My stomach would tighten up and when it done that blood would gush out! I had pads from the hospital left over from Kaylea. Those huge ones they give you after you have a baby. I was filling up two of those every ten minutes! So, I decided I couldn't wait a week nor did I think.I could make it 100 miles away! So we got in the car and headed to the hospital in Farmville. I went in and a nurse took my blood pressure and said I hadn't lost enough blood to be considered an emergency so she sent me to the waiting room. We left because I couldn't wait! On the way to Danville, the pains in my stomach were getting worse. I had to pee but I was trying to hold it because I was bleeding so much I didn't want to move. I couldn't hold it anymore so about half way I got Jeremy to stop at Fosters Fuel so I could pee. When I got in the bathroom, I had a mind numbing pain in my stomach and I felt something coming out of me. So, I sat on the toilet and pushed. It was the same urge to push you get when giving birth. I had to pull it out. It was s sack and inside was my tiny peanut baby! I cried all by myself in the bathroom. Seeing that broke my heart in half! I was mad at the same time! I thought, why is this happening to me?! Why instead of a womb to keep my babies safe, I had a womb that's become a grave!

I went out and got in the car and told Jeremy what had happened. After the baby was out, the bleeding almost stopped and the cramps were gone. We arrived at the hospital and I was admitted. The next morning, the D&C was performed. The doctor said all that was left was tissue that the baby was gone but I knew that.

So, once again I left the hospital with empty, aching arms. Except for the prescription for anti-depressants because I was smothered in grief for my babies!

But things would soon change, for the better but at the same time, history repeated itself....

Heaven gained another angel...

This pregnancy was strange from the beginning. As I said in my last blog, the home pregnancy test was positive but the line was very faint. Another pregnancy test from the clinic proved to be positive as well. But since Kaylea was stillborn, this pregnancy would be considered high risk along with any subsequent pregnancies. So, I was sent to a high risk doctor in Lynchburg about 25 miles from my house. At my first appointment blood was drawn and was checked for the pregnancy hormone. My hormone level was very low which meant one of two things: I was in the early stage of pregnancy when the baby is just a sac of hormones or I was losing the baby. The doctor decided to do an ultrasound to check thing out. And it was the first theory, I was very early about two or three weeks pregnant and it was a sac of hormones not yet the shape of a baby. The doctor sent me home and scheduled an ultrasound for the next week to monitor the growth of the baby, to make sure it progresses as normal.  So the next week, when the second ultrasound was performed,  something VERY weird happened. Not only was the baby there, and it's heart was beating, but it was measuring 7 weeks!! This baffled me as just a week ago it was only a sac of hormones indicating a very early pregnancy. But just a week later it's measuring 7 weeks.

Nonetheless, the baby was there and growing, according to the blood tests I was having done. The tests indicated the hormone count going up each time. So, we got to listen to his heartbeat! I was happy but at the same time, worried. My granny, that I've mentioned, the one mama was taking care of was dying. She had a brain tumor that was cancer and she was getting worse. This caused my mama to fall into a deep depression as this was her mama that was dying. Mama had taken care of her everyday for a year and a half. Then there was Lisa, my roommate, telling me I couldn't live there with a baby. Plus, things with Lisa weren't going good at all. I was just so stressed out. On August 28, 2004, my granny lost a long battle with cancer. And a week after she passed, I had an altercation with my boss at work and I quit. As soon as I left the building, I began to bleed. I called my doctors office immediately and was told bleeding was normal but if it got heavier to go to the hospital. At this time, it was just a little brown discharge. This carried on until my next OB/GYN visit. I told the doctor I had a discharge. I was sent for an ultrasound. I felt that feeling all over again: DOOM!! Was another baby gone? What is wrong with me, I thought. The one thing a woman is supposed to do and I can't do it! What did I do to deserve another baby to be taken away from me!? I felt like instead of my womb being a house for my baby, it was a shallow grave.

The ultrasound tech put the doppler on my stomach and there it was: silence. No heartbeat. A tiny baby laying still. I was ten weeks pregnant. The tech, of course, said let me get the doctor. I said, just tell me because I already know. Unfortunately I'm no stranger to a silent ultrasound. The doctor came in and told me there was no heartbeat and scheduled me for a D&C but a week away.

By this time, Jeremy and I had decided to move in with his grandma and start fresh in a new town. Where no one knows us. Lisa and I were having ALOT of problems. I was paying her half on the bills yet the lights got cut off! So we had moved to Farmville VA which was two hours from the hospital the surgery was scheduled at. So if a problem occurred I'd have to drive two hours to get to the hospital.

Surgery was set up for a week later but I wouldn't make it a week. God had another plan for me.....

As fate would have it....

I began to slowly pick up the pieces to my life after Kayleas death. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that Jeremy and I were over as well. Even though I was still madly in love with him! I seen the good in him and I tried to cling to it! My mama had gotten me a job at the nursing home she was a nursing assistant at and the same place I'd worked all through high school. I was hired only two weeks after Kayleas death but I wanted out of my house! Sitting there day in and day out was causing me to become stuck in my own grief. A place I was beginning to believe I was to stay stuck in! My heart yearned for my baby girl and at the same time for my husband! I decided to move in with my friend, Lisa, and help her out. She was the only person I told I was still in love with Jeremy.

By June of '04, it had been three months since I'd spoken to Jeremy. I made a decision to write him a letter telling him I was still in love with him, though I didn't know why I was nor did I understand it. All I knew was I still loved him. I sent the letter to the home the crazy family he was living with had here. In hopes that Jeremy would be the one who checked the mail. To make sure it wasn't thrown away, I didn't put a return address on it. As I knew Rocky would throw it away if she seen my name on it. Two days later, I was at work and on my break I noticed a missed call from a strange number. So I checked my voicemail and it was Jeremy. He told me he'd left from Rockys and wanted to get back together. He'd made a plan to leave before he received my letter and my letter meant he'd have a place to go once he left. I'd told him in the letter that if we were done, I was going to file for a divorce and move on from him. After work, I went and picked him up. He was very apologetic and I believed him. I wanted to love him the same as I always had but the past six months wouldn't let me. He had to gain my trust again. After a while, he moved in with me at Lisas. Things seemed back to normal. Let me just say, when things were good with him, they were GOOD and when they were bad, they were BAD! We didn't argue at all, EVER. I never understood why he'd leave me because we were so great together!

Anyway, my mama found out I was back together with him and she waited until I went to work one night to come to our house and cuss him out. She told him it was his fault Kaylea died because he left me and caused severe stress on me! I found it hard to take up for him because part of me believed this to be true. After a while people got over it. Soon, I began getting that familiar itch, a familiar yearning. I wanted another baby. When Jeremy moved in, Lisa told me I couldn't live there if I got pregnant. Because we lived in her basement and it was no place to bring a baby. But I didn't care. My heart was calling out to me and I listened!

In late August of '04, I missed my period. I took a home pregnancy test and the positive sign was there but faintly. So I called the local clinic and scheduled a pregnancy test. I went and it was positive! We were expecting again!!! We were both elated! But nerves soon set in as I thought, he's going to leave me again or what if this baby is stillborn to? And Lisa said I can't live here pregnant so where will we live? A million thoughts were going through my mind! And one thing was for sure, my motherly instinct was telling me something was wrong. Maybe I was just paranoid.

Alas, this baby was not to be.....

Horror from the family from hell!

I stayed at the grave until they closed it. But Jeremy left as soon as the funeral was over with BA & Shannon. My ex, Jim that I mentioned earlier, came to the funeral and he stayed until the end with me. He was a great friend to me & that's bad because it should've been Jeremy staying! It's his daughter! When it come time for me to leave, Jim and my cousin, Jenny, took me out to eat. I had been put on xanax for my nerves and I had taken some before Kayleas funeral so I fell asleep sitting up in the Resturant! So they took me home. At the time, I was turning my cell off at night. So the next day when I turned it back on, I had a voicemail from Rocky, the crazy, excuse my language, BITCH Jeremy was living with, Stephanies mama. She said, "no one at that funeral was there for Jeremy. The only emotional support he has is from the people in my house. If you come to my house again or send anyone to my house again, I'll be forced to have you charged with harassment and trespassing. Don't call my house again either. Jeremy loves Stephanie and that's who he's going to be with so leave him alone. He was only talking to you because of the baby." I wanted to go to her house and stomp her into the ground! I had called Jeremy a couple hours after the funeral and he complained about no one being there for him. I said what do you expect? You left and denied she was your baby! Did you think anyone would feel sorry for YOU?! I don't think so! And that's not my fault but once again your taking it out on me! I told his sister and his brother when and where the funeral was going to be and neither one showed up. Not my fault! So I said to him before we hung up, your not going to talk to me anymore, are you? He just hung up.

That was it. My mama took off work for a week to be home with me. We'd go to the grave everyday and just ride all day to get me out if the house. About a week after the funeral, I went by myself and what I seen still hurts my heart!! I'd framed the poem "Little Angels" the poem read at her memorial service and put it on her grave. Also, I'd gotten a single rose with a beautiful card and wrote her a message, there was flowers and a balloon as you can see from my last blog. When I walked over to the grave, I discovered someone had tore up EVERYTHING on her grave and placed it back in a neat pile on top of the grave! I was FURIOUS!! What kind of vile, horrible person would tare up a BABYS things?! She doesn't deserve this, I don't deserve this!! Of course the first person I thought if was Shannon because she came to the funeral so she knew where it was. Plus, they were horrible enough to do this. They're very spiteful people! I went to my brothers house and his girlfriend called Shannons house and we both cussed her out but of course she denied it!

A few days later, my brother and Sharon, his girlfriend, went to McDonalds which was where Bethany, Jeremys sister, worked. Bethany was outside dumping trash and Sharon asked her if she was the one that done it. Several people watched and listened as she said to Sharon, I didn't do it I don't know where it is but if I knew where it was I'd tare every fucking thing up on it!" Wrong answer! No sooner than the words came out of her mouth, Sharon was on her beating her mercifully! And it was a well deserved beating! I mean, what is wrong with people!? The fight ended with cops and a court date which was later thrown out because Bethany hit back, well she tried! She claimed I sent Sharon there because they were on my car but I didn't know anything about it until afterwards.

But the vile family wasn't done quite yet! Sometime after this, my friend Samantha called and told me that Rocky was telling everyone that it was my fault Kaylea died because I drank ONE Mt. Dew!! I'd had just about enough of these vile, idiotic people! Why won't they leave me the hell alone!? Let me move on, PLEASE! They were always threatening me with harassment when they were harassing ME! They just wouldn't lay off me!

Things began to look up for me but fate was about to come knocking at my door again...

Burying my precious angel, Kaylea..

I hope everyone had a great Christmas!!

As I laid in the hospital coming out of a comatose state, my mama went home and cleared all of Kayleas stuff out of my room. I had been staying with my daddy but I didn't bring her stuff as I was hoping I would be back by the time I had her. Jeremy didn't seem like he really wanted to be with me. He left the hospital literally as soon as she was born. My mama and our close friend, Sheri, went to the funeral home and made all the arrangements. She was to be buried in what they called a burial cradle. It was made specifically for stillbirths. It was off white with a fern etched in the top and was 17 inches long. I held my baby one more time before the funeral home got there to get her. They told my mama that she could bring her to the funeral home but she just couldn't make herself do it.

I was released from the hospital the day after I had Kaylea on March 21, 2004. Me and mama went by the funeral home so I could pay the last of the bill. Sheri, mamas friend, had very kindly payed $200 on the funeral. They surprised me by bringing my Kaylea out to me! It's weird but as the days went by, she got pinker, it was like she was coming to life. Maybe I just wanted her to come alive. I thought, maybe if I love her more, God will give her back. Oh, how I needed her!! On the way home, I stopped by daddys to get my clothes because mama was letting me come back home. I remember when they told me Kaylea was gone, the first thing I said was mama can I please come home now, crying. My great grandmother lived next door to my daddy and she was getting old and she's diabetic and had lost her vision. So when I did Kayleas obituary, I had them put it on the local radio station so she could listen to it. I sat with her while she listened, tears running down her sweet face. She knew all to well what it was like as she lost two baby boys, one 6 months old and one a little over a year old. After ALOT of tears, we left.

When I got home, I began deciding what do for her funeral. I'd never planned s funeral before. I had a friend that had a baby boy die from SIDS at 2 months old and at his funeral they read a poem "Little Angels" and I loved it. So I found it on the Web. I printed a copy for the preacher to read and I framed a copy to lay on her grave. I decided on just a graveside memorial service. No viewing. I wanted her all to myself and until now I haven't showed it to anybody. I finally shared her picture on twitter.

I called Jeremy to tell him what time the funeral was and told him he was riding with me. The funeral was on March 22nd. I had a friends mom make a casket spray that turned out bigger than the casket! I went to pick up Jeremy and he wouldn't talk to me. When arrived at the graveside, I got to see my baby one more time. I put pictures in with her of me and Jeremy. She was so small, so instead of clothes, I wrapped her up in a Peter Rabbit blanket my granny that had brain cancer gave me for her.

Shortly there after, people started coming. I was VERY UPSET to see BA and Shannon (Stephanies sister I mentioned earlier) show up. I was very clear when I said I did not want them there! But I was on ALOT of medication so I didn't say anything. The funeral was beautiful! But so final.

This is the poem I had read at her service.

Little Angels
When God calls little children to dwell with him above
We mortals sometimes question
The wisdom of his love.

For no heartache compares
To the death of one small child.
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful & mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold,
So he picks a rosebud before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them & so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try,
For the saddest word mankind knows will always be goodbye.

So when a little child departs we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children, angels are hard to find!

Now, I was to begin to move on. Which I didn't even want to think about. And these horrible people Jeremy was living with wouldn't let me.

I was not at all prepared for what they were going to do next...

Delivering my sleeping angel..

After I talked to my dad the nurse came in to explain what would take place next. She started me on an IV with magnesium sulfate in it. Magnesium is used to lower blood pressure and keep the patient from having seizures. I had been diagnosed with Toxemia or commonly called pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure was 190/120 and my heartbeat was 190bpm. So the heartbeat the nurse heard at the other hospital was my heartbeat, not my babys! Anyway, my wonderful doctor came in and told me that within a matter of minutes I could end up in ICU with brain damage and kidney failure. Since the baby had already died, the main concern was me and keeping me stable as the only cure for toxemia was delivery. I could have any medication I wanted for pain except an epidural because my blood pressure was so high. They also put a catheter in me because I wasn't allowed to get up until after delivery.

My mama asked what would happen as far as the baby would go. She brought in a purple box and inside was a shirt, a lil heart pillow, three seashells, a tape measure, a little baggy, a tiny hat and a card that had a spot for the name, date of birth, weight and parents names. Instead of an IT'S A GIRL banner on my door I had a picture of a leaf with a tear drop falling off of it. The nurse told my mama that I had to hold her, I had no choice. Mama didn't want me to see her because the doctor told me she quit growing at twenty two weeks. My twenty week ultrasound said she weighed 9 ounces and she'd been dead for two weeks so I was afraid of what she would look like. Plus, I was 19 years old, I'd never been through this nor did I know anyone who'd been through it! So mama expressed her concerns and the nurse pulled the ultrasound up again. She showed mama two spots, one on her hand and one on her foot, that would be dry. She said said she'd be dark complected and dry. But that I had no choice. My doctor came in and he cried as he told me I must acknowledge her as my child. That she's a baby, my baby! So I prepared myself to see her.

A little while later, my daddy came in with Jeremy. He hugged me and cried but I couldn't help but think, why are you crying?! You're the one who left and told everyone she wasn't yours!! I only wanted him there so he'd have to see it like I did! I wanted him to feel the same pain I was feeling. Although, he could never feel it as I was I was feeling it!

The doctor came in and started me on pitocin. He told me it would take 8 hours max for me to begin actual labor. But 10 hours later still no baby. After that, they tried something else and I can't remember what it was but that didn't work. My step-dad pulled my Dr. out in the hall and said "you said 8hours max it's been over 24 hours, DO SOMETHING!" The magnesium put me in an almost coma, I couldn't talk but I could hear everything. My mama is a CNA and I heard her tell my step-dad that I was dying because of the way I was snoring. She said people snore like that before they die. So I'm thinking "what do they know that I don't?!" All the while, Jeremy is SLEEPING on a cot at the end of my bed! SLEEPING, NOT HELPING!! Sometime later in the early morning hours of Saturday, March 20th, the nurse came in and put suppositories behind my cervix and that worked! I remember waking up feeling like I had to have a bowel movement. The nurse ran in and Kaylea was coming! She lifted me up and my mama was on one side my step-dad on the other and I began pushing. I stopped contracting and my cervix closed on her head. She was breached, her legs came out first. My step-dad couldn't take anymore and ran out. I heard my mama yell at Jeremy, GET YOUR ADS OVER HERE AND HELP HER!!! So he came over to my other side. A doctor came in, the one that was there wasn't my doctor and he was an asshole! He reached in and opened my cervix and pulled her out. I prayed please let them be wrong! Please let her come out breathing! PLEASE!! But that was not to be!

Kaylea Blair Todt was born on March 20, 2004 at 7:11 am. She weighed in at 1lb 2ozs and was 11 1/2 inches long. And she was PERFECT! She was, as the nurse had told me, dark complected and she had very dry skin. She had red hair, just like Jeremy! She looked just like him. Which was great because it proved she was his!! Her legs were long like his! She was just like him! They brought her to me and I layed her on a pillow in my lap. I looked at every part of her perfect tiny body! And I thought "why, God, why did you take my baby girl?! I want her, I need her so bad! Jeremy may have deserves something bad but I DON'T!!" Jeremy left as soon as she was born. At this point I didn't care. All that mattered to me was my perfect angel!

They came in and took her a little while later and took her to the morgue, to keep her cold. I wanted to keep her with me! I was so very glad I held her and seen her! I think now I would've regretted this the rest of my life had I not seen her!

Now, I had to plan a funeral for my angel. More pain was headed my way...

A few "Thanks"

I don't usually post twice in a day but I will today. But off the normal subject. I want to take this opportunity to thank a few very sweet, very important people!

In October '12, I decided to make a Twitter account in memory of my daughter, Kaylea, who you've read about. On this Twitter, I tweet mainly about stillbirth trying to spread awareness. In the process of this, I've made a few very important ladies that I want to recognize right now!

Emma Cook, who lost her precious angel as a result of Potters Syndrome. Emma is very sweet and she did not deserve to loose her baby girl, Charlie! She's ALWAYS there when you need her. Ready to talk and always asks how you are doing. She always sends hugs your way if you're having a bad day! I wish so badly that I lived close to her so I could meet her in person! Emma, I'm feel so honored to have met you! Thank you for always being there!

Sheila Wilson, who lost her angel, Jamie, because of miscarriage. She is very selfless and is ALWAYS there when you need a friend! She is a very strong and brave woman who endured pain but is making it through! She checks on me if I haven't been around for a while which shows she truly cares! Sheila, thank you so much for your kindness and thoughtful words!

Gale Fitts, who endured TWO stillbirths, a son, James and a daughter, Reita. She is the epitome of strength and bravery as she had no support while going through the horrible pain that is stillbirth! She is a true testament that you can make it through these tragedies, with or without help! This only made her stronger! She's always chipper and upbeat and there when you need her! Gale, thank you for your support and showing us we are not alone and that we can survive this tragedy!

We are all the face of stillbirth and miscarriage. We're all 1 in 4. But as so many people have shown us, WE ARE NOT ALONE!! We all have one thing in common: we have angels in Heaven! And we can get through it together by supporting one another, no matter the distance between us! That's what these three special ladies have proven! There are many more who are wonderful. And just because I didn't mention your name doesn't mean I don't care! I'm thankful for each and every woman and a few men, who has helped me! Together, we are breaking the silence and letting it be know that our angels count too!!

Thank you, each and every one, for being there, not only for me, but for each other, each parent who has an angel waiting in Heaven!

And so it was, my Kaylea was gone!

So there I was, living with my daddy. Jeremy would come up and see me but he wasn't the same. He wouldn't touch me, not in a sexual way. He didn't laugh, he didn't talk. If he came he wouldn't stay the night with me. That's what made me think he had ulterior motives!

On Thursday March 18, 2004, I had a doctors appointment a baby checkup. At the time I was going to my local clinic, but this would be the only pregnancy that I'd go there. I peed in a cup as I always did except this time I'd have +2 protein in my urine. Which is a sign of toxemia or pre-eclampsia. I'll refer to it as toxemia. Anyway, I can't remember if my blood pressure was up but I'm sure it was because of what happened 2 hours later. Then I laid on the examining table and the nurse stuck the doppler on my stomach. I prayed, please, please, please baby girl let me hear your beautiful heartbeat! Please God be with her! Please let her be alive! A heartbeat was being picked up but very faintly. The nurse had a confused look on her face. I asked "can you hear her heartbeat? Please tell me you can!" She said I hear A heartbeat. So she cleaned the jelly off my stomach and left the room. While I sat there, alone because Jeremy wouldn't come with me, I prayed, once again, "Dear God, a part of me knows you've already taken by precious girl, but please see me fit to let me keep her! I need her more than you know! Please, God!!" A few minutes later the nurse returned. She told me I was to go to the Danville hospital, not the one I went to where the nurses were so evil! She said to go there because they took my insurance and the other one didn't. She said I was to go to the maternity ward for a non-stress test or stress test. I said, "is something wrong?" She said I don't think so but just to be sure. I think she knew but the clinic wasn't equipped with a doctor and a doctor has to deliver that news.

So, I called Jeremy to tell him to come as I believed our baby was not doing good. But of course, I was told he was "working." He wasn't, he was sitting right beside the phone. So I called my mama who was at my grannys, taking care if her. I told her that I was being sent to the hospital and I began to cry. So she left my grannys and came to the clinic to meet me and take me to the hospital. All the while, I know I knew in my heart the news I would get. My mama was oblivious but could tell I was worried.

We arrived at the hospital and were sent to the maternity ward. There, a WONDERFUL NURSE hooked me up to the stress machine. Everytime I heard a heartbeat I said, "that's it!" But it wasn't. At this time I was twenty seven weeks along and the nurse said sometime you can't pick up the heartbeat until thirty weeks and told me not to worry. So, she then got the doppler and, NOTHING! So, she then got an ultrasound machine, like the other hospital should've done, and put it to my stomach. There, on the screen, was the lifeless body of my precious baby girl! I asked, what's going on?! She said I'll be back. Then a horrid doctor came in. He looked at the screen and pointed to a few things out to the nurse. My mama was screaming, "WHAT'S GOING ON!?" Then, he turned to us, and in a very straightforward way, blatantly said, "she's dead, and from all indications, she's been dead for TWO WEEKS!"

I felt my world melt away! I began thinking, "WHY, WHY MY BABY GIRL, WHY!?" But, in all honesty, I feel like I knew but no one would listen to me! I thought, my husband might be an asshole but I was going to make up for that! God, I want her, I need her so bad!! Why is this happening to me?! To my baby?!

My mama, my poor mama, just started screaming, oh my God, no!! At that moment, I had to help her because she was so shocked and I wasn't, my heart knew!

Where do we go from here? What happens next? After the crying and initial heart break, it was time to start inducing me to give birth to my sleeping angel. I begged, please do a c-section, please don't make me have to give birth to a baby I wouldn't bring home to keep! The doctors said she was too little for a c-section and too big for a D&C. Vaginal birth was the only way. I called my daddy and told him. I said go to that house and MAKE Jeremy come here! I don't care what they threaten! If I have to go through this, he will too!! She's his baby, weather he wants to believe it or not, SHE'S HIS!!! 

And so began the two most horrible days of my life! Where I give birth to my sleeping angel and nearly loose my own life in the process!!

And he calls me..

A few days after the hospital visit, my cell phone rings. As I answer a number I didn't know, it was Jeremy! He started asking me about the hospital visit and wanted to know what happened. I told him what happened and told him that I had called to tell him but was told he wouldn't care anyway. He said that was a lie. That he wasn't there when I called and when he found out he was "scared." So I began asking why he'd left me. Why had he believed all the lies these people were telling him? He wanted me to come pick him up. So, like an idiot, I did. I showed him ultrasound pictures from the scan that I found out she was a girl at. We talked for a while and when it was time to take him back he asked me to stay the night with him. He was up here with BA and they had one of Stephanies kids, a two year old little girl named Jade, with them. Stephanie had two kids, a girl named Alexis that they called Ally who was four, and the two year old named Jade. Ally was by far the favorite! Jade was two and at this time was wearing 6-9 months baby clothes! She looked like a walking six month old baby! So anyway, BA was not like the rest of the crazy family! So I went to this house, against my better judgment, and stayed the night. I spent most of the night trying to get Kaylea to move for Jeremy. Trying to tell myself she's ok, but my mind was telling me she's gone!

The next day, my mama had found out that I'd stayed the night with him so when I returned home my things were packed up and I was told if I wanted to be with Jeremy, I couldn't live there! All I wanted was my life back! Just me, baby and my husband! So I took my things and went to my dads. The next day, I made a HORRIBLE MISTAKE!

Jeremy asked me to go to Myrtle Beach with him for the weekend and, LIKE AN IDIOT, I agreed to go! So, Jeremy and BA come by and got me in Stephanies sister, Shannons girlfriends car. Shannon didn't know I was going until I got down there. I also didn't tell anyone I was going. The trip down wasn't too bad. We arrived late and about an hour later, Stephanie arrived in from work. I went to bed. The next day, the trouble started. Stephanie went to work and called and we didn't answer the phone. Her two kids were there with us and she called Rocky and told her I was being mean to Ally. She said Ally was talking to me and I was "ignoring" her. She said she called and we didn't answer the phone because we were having sex in front of her kids! NO WE WEREN'T! We were cooking her kids dinner when she called. Obviously, the little one never ate because she was tiny! So then, Shannon found out I was down there and that I come in her girlfriends car. So she says "she's not coming back in my car!" I told BA, "I'm going back the same way I came, in that car!!" So I called my friend Sam and told her what was going on and she had got a group of people ready to come get me! I was so miserable! What the hell was I thinking coming down here!? They only wanted me to come to torture me!! And Jeremy wasn't even trying to take up for me which made me believe he didn't really want to be with me. He had ulterior motives. Maybe it was a child support thing. I don't know. But on the way home, everytime we stopped to use the bathroom I was scared they were going to leave me in the middle of nowhere!

When I finally arrived back at my dads, my mama had come there and took the tags off of my car and canceled my insurance. All because I was trying to work things out with Jeremy. There's a saying, "If something doesn't feel right, then its NOT right!" That's how I felt!

I was only a few days from my next doctors appointment, the one that would change my life, FOREVER!!

Troubles coming...

I'm going to start now in February 2004. Jim, my ex that I mentioned, got in contact with me after he heard about what Jeremy did. He became a GREAT FRIEND to me! It was nothing sexual about it as I was still MADLY IN LOVE with Jeremy. And I don't know why, I loved him with a love I've never felt before. I guess part of it was my heart breaking and I was in denial over what was going on. I know Jim wanted more but I didn't. I wanted my husband. Plus, too much had happened since Jim & I broke up.

On Valentines Day, Jim, my friend Samantha & her husband, Kris went out to eat. I was having these excruciating pains in my chest. It felt like a 300 pound person was sitting on my chest! We kept having to stop and let me rest it was hurting so bad! A few days later I couldn't take it anymore!

Samantha, Kris and I were out and she talked me into going to the hospital. I wanted Jeremy to know. I don't know why I thought he'd care. So Kris called the house he was at and it just so happened he was here from the beach. Sandy answered the phone and said he won't there but she would tell him even though "he wouldn't care!" So of course that hurt me to my core but it was NOTHING compared to what was coming!

We arrived at the hospital at the maternity ward as I was past five months. I was 25 weeks pregnant at this time. The nurses were HORRIBLE!! It was two of them and they talked to me as if I was a bum off the street! First thing I asked for was an ultrasound and they refused. Instead, she stuck the doppler to my stomach and picked up A HEARTBEAT, BUT IT WASN'T MY  BABYS!! Then she took my blood pressure and it was higher than usual and she told me that was normal. Then she measures my stomach and says to me "you're only measuring twenty week." I said that's impossible as I had an ultrasound six weeks ago and found out the sex at twenty weeks! That right there should've told her to do an ultrasound. But NO! She says "she's laying in the transverse position." Which means she's not up and down she's laying across, horizontal. Still refused an ultrasound! Samantha spoke up trying to tell her to do one and she rudely told Sam, "you're not the patient so do not speak!" VERY UNPROFESSIONAL!! So, after I was talked to like a dog, I left unsatisfied. I guess my motherly instinct was kicking in. At this point, I quit feeling my baby girl move. My mind told me she was gone but doctors told me she was fine. I started researching stillbirth as well.

Nothing prepared me for the phone call I would get a few days later....

Bittersweet news & Lies unfolding!

So my mom and I loaded up and went and picked up my SIL, Bethany. We told her what happened and asked her if she knew where Jeremy was at. She said what I was thinking, he's at BAs with Stephanie. So off we went to BAs house. We sent Bethany to the door because I knew they wouldn't come to the door for me. Her sister, Sandy, came to the door and lied saying she hadn't seen him. I wasn't stupid, I knew he was in there but he was running from me! So we left. I went home with my mom as I could not go back to that apartment. I'm thinking, my world is ending! My husband has left me, five months pregnant!
A few days later on January 14, 2004, I had my twenty week ultrasound. It was a bittersweet day! This day was supposed to great! A day my husband and I would share! But instead, my mom took me and my friend Amanda came along as well. I needed all the support I could get! So we arrived and I was called back. The ultrasound tech stuck the doppler to my stomach and there, on the screen, was my baby. Turning flips, moving all around! Feeling good it seemed, the opposite of how I was feeling! The tech asked me if I wanted to know the sex and of course I said YES! <b>IT'S A GIRL!!! </b>I immediately began crying. I wanted a girl but I wanted my husband there with me as well! Not off with his EX!! Everything was great with the baby. All the measurements were perfect for 20 weeks gestation. She weighed 9 ounces at this time. Very, very tiny but perfect!! The picture belows shows her at my twenty week ultrasound! She had long legs and they were crossed! So after the ultrasound my mom took me to McDonalds to eat. I couldn't eat anything, I was so sad and depressed! Later on my appetite picked back up but I was told if I couldn't eat to drink Boost so my baby would get nutrients.
So we went back home and I began planning for my baby girl through the sadness and depression. I decided her name would be Kaylea Blair. I called my MIL who had recently moved to Florida and told her the babys sex. That would be the last time I'd speak to her for a while as she was totally and completely on Jeremys side, listening to and believing his lies! A few days later, the rumors began pouring in! The thing this family, the one Jeremy was living with, would say about me were simply horrid and complete <b>LIES!!</b> They had convinced Jeremy that I was cheating on him with my high school boyfriend, Jim. And that the baby was his not Jeremys! And let me just say, Jim was a great man! He worked, owned his own company since he was 15 and still owns it to this day! So, if there was the slightest possibility that Jim could've been my babys father, I would've chose him! But I was so madly in love with Jeremy that I could not have cheated on him, <b>EVER!!!</b> And Jeremy knew this to be true as I hadn't spent so much as an hour away from Jeremy since we'd started dating and after we were married! It was just an excuse for him to run from his responsibility! Around the end of January, I received a devastating call from Stephanies sister, Sandy, the one who lied to us. Sandy and her family had fallen out and Sandy decided to tell me the truth. And it hurt me to my core!! Everything began to sense!! So I went to her house & so began the LIES! Sandy told me that Stephanie had broken up with her boyfriend & she "wasn't going to be alone." So she came up with a plan to convince my husband that I was cheating on him and "she knew he'd believe her because he always did." Sandy also told me that the weekend he was "working" in Northern VA he was really at s hotel in Myrtle Beach, TWO stated away from me!! Which explains why I didn't get a phone call the whole weekend! She also gave me the phone number to the hotel they were staying in at the beach. So when I left I called the hotel. Stephs mama, who was named Roxanne but went by Rocky, answered the phone. She told me Jeremy wanted NOTHING to do with me & he was in the background saying "leave me alone, that baby isn't mine" And get this, "I've contacted a lawyer about my CDS and I'm going to charge you with larceny" WTF, REALLY? YOUR CDS!!?? I said we're married you fucking IDIOT!! (excuse my language!) What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine!! And what about OUR BABY GIRL?!! His answer was "she's not mine!" These crazy people were famous for threatening the law on you. One time I passed Stephanie on a road driving and twenty minutes later her crazy mama, Rocky was calling me telling me she was going to have me charged with harassment because "I ran Stephanie out of the road with her grandbabys in the car!" Which I DID NOT DO THAT! Anyway, during that hotel call she threatened me with harassment. Really? For calling MY HUSBAND?! These people were horrible! So after I hung up, I was devastated!

But still, the worst was yet to come!!

Is this a nightmare?!

We we married!! We set up house in an apartment. Between the two of us, we had saved alot of money. So we bought everything we needed after a housewarming party. We were both working at a place called Techma that's no longer opened. Two weeks after our wedding, I needed to leave early for an OB/GYN appointment and when I returned, they fired me only saying that I was leaving my station and going to the bathroom too much. Ummm HELLO, I'M PREGNANT!! So I promptly applied for unemployment. Meanwhile, my new husband began talking to an ex girlfriends father whom he'd previously worked for roofing. These people were INSANE! They stalked me when I began dating him, they put me through HELL! I told him this was not a good idea as I could only see disaster coming from it! New Years Eve was here and we decided to go to my BIL to a gathering he was having. At this time I was 18 weeks along in my pregnancy. At this party, my husband decided he would quit his guaranteed job at Techma to go back to work with the man, I'll refer to as BA, roofing. Where work is not a guarantee and there's the possibility of them scheming and trying to talk Jeremy into leaving me for his ex Stephanie, there daughter he was with. A few days later after Jeremy assured me he wasn't going to leave me for her he decided that they had to go Northern Virginia and work for the weekend. I told Jeremy to call me everyday. Saturday came, no phone call. Sunday came no phone call. So I went to my moms and when I got back home he had gotten home. He was acting funny, wouldn't talk to me, didn't ask how my weekend was, offered no explanation as to why he hadn't called me all weekend. Monday morning, I awoke to find him waiting on BA to come get him for work. You see, this day I was going to the unemployment office thirty miles away and something told me not to go. But I did and turns out I wasn't required to come into the office so I headed back home. At this time, my mom was staying at my grannys house taking care of her because she had Brain Cancer. I decided to go talk to mom about Jeremy and see if she had any motherly advice for me. She told me to go home crawl into his lap and try and talk to him. So I went home. When I pulled in the driveway I noticed lights on and if he'd gone to work he would've cut them off. I sat in the car I guess preparing myself for what my heart was telling me. I went inside. I knew. I went into our bedroom and all his clothes were gone. In the living room the X-Box was gone which wasn't ours yet I was making payments on it. And there on the kitchen counter was a note, written on a piece of cardboard, that said "This marriage isn't working. I want a divorce. I'll come back for my CDs in your car." REALLY JEREMY? YOUR CDS? WHAT ABOUT YOUR BABY I'M PREGNANT WITH?! He was gone. I laid in the floor, like a child, and cried for thirty minutes. I tried making sense of all of this and I couldn't! Oh my God, I can't stay here now! I can't stay in this apartment that he and I were building for our family! So I tried gathering myself and called my mom. She came and got me and we set off to find him! No way was I letting him go without an explanation as to why he'd left me, his five months pregnant wife he'd married just five short weeks ago! I couldn't believe this was happening to me! But it doesn't hold a candle to what was coming!

Life was getting good, so I thought...

I've noticed from other Blogs that people don't usually don't blog everyday. But I wanted to go ahead and start my story. My story will begin where I met my ex-husband. His name is Jeremy and we met through a mutual friend. It was love (for me anyway) at first sight! This was in March '03. We'd been dating around six months when he asked me to marry him. So of course I said YES! I was 18 years old at this time. We got busy planning the wedding and I let him pick the date. He chose November 29,2003 because it was Thanksgiving weekend and his family would be up for the holiday as they are from all over. In the midst of all the planning I noticed I was late for my period. So I took a pregnancy test and it was positive!! I was totally beside myself with joy! I thought all my dreams are coming true! I went to the doctor where the pregnancy was confirmed. I was six weeks along with my first baby! So time moved on and before I knew it, it was November 29th, our wedding day! By this time I was 13 weeks along in my pregnandy. I was given away in front of about fifty people, a small ceremony, but still beautiful! I thought then my life was perfect. But what was coming in from my new husband in just five short weeks still shocks me till this day!!

What my Blog will be about

Hello. My name is Toni Todt. I've decided to share my journey through stillbirth and miscarriage with anyone who wants to listen. If you're here it's probably because you are experiencing a stillbirth or maybe you have a family member or friend going through this. Or maybe you simply stumbled across my blog and are curious. Either way, here you'll read about my first born child, a girl, I named Kaylea Blair Todt, who was stillborn at 27 weeks gestation. I'll discuss what it was like going through the trauma of delivering a baby that won't be brought home with you. The trauma of planning a funeral for your own baby. A parent should never have to bury their child! I'll also discuss miscarriage. My second baby was lost from an early miscarriage at 10 weeks gestation. Finally, my joy of becoming a mother. The joy every parent should feel! So keep coming back and follow my journey!!