Rules For Christmas Card Exchange Program

Welcome to the first annual Christmas Card Exchange Program! I hope all of you enjoy the program & that it brings you a little extra joy during the holiday season! I'm doing the rules & the way the program works here because it's a bit easier than updating the event since I'm on my phone.

Below, I will explain how the program works & the rules for participation.

How it works:

Each person that signs up will be required to purchase a minimum of three Christmas cards. I will select three different people for each person participating. You will send a card to each of the people selected for you by me. Please remember that a card for each person is the only requirement. No gifts are required. The minimum is three cards but if you'd like more, you can request more. The idea is that someone suffering the loss of a much wanted baby will receive a little extra joy during a difficult time of year: Christmastime. By getting cards from three different people, it gives the idea that someone else is thinking of you at a difficult time.

Rules for participation:

1. You should purchase three Christmas cards. Each card will be sent to a different person. The names & address will be provided by me.
2. To participate, you must have an angel baby or have been affected by the loss of a baby (grandparent, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, ect.). You can also be a friend that just wants to help. I have a few fans that are supportive friends of angel parents.
3. Sign up cut off date will be Monday, November 18, 2013.
4. If the person (or people) selected for you lives outside the country you live in, the cards are to be mailed out by Monday, *December 9, 2013.
5. If the person (or people) selected for you lives within your country, the cards are to be mailed out by Monday, December 16, 2013.
6. If you need to drop out of the program, please notify me via Email at mamasbby84@aol.com. I understand that unforseen circumstances can come up, life happens. I can take the people you have or find someone else to take them. Please remember, Christmas is a hard enough time without adding grief. We want to bring joy, not take it away.
7. Any type of card will do as long as it's Christmas related. If anyone has a specification such as no religious cards, please notify me. I understand that people have different religious beliefs. I respect everyones beliefs, whatever they may be.

*The date is earlier to allow time for the cards to get to their destination. I know things can get backed up around the holidays. We want the cards there by Christmas, not after.

I will be posting on the fan page closer to the end of October to get everyones address. This will not be a secret so you should include your name on the cards. The most important thing is to notify me if you decide to drop out. Anyone that drops out without notifying me first will not be allowed to participate in any future programs.

Rules are subject to change. If any changes are made, I will update everyone immediately. You don't have to be invited to join the program. Anyone is welcome to join. I'd like for everyone that signs up to like the fan page for the program so updates are visible to everyone. If you know anyone that has lost a baby that you think could use extra joy this holiday season, please let me know & I can add their name & address and I can get cards sent to them.

Thank you, everyone, for your continued support of the program!!
The link to the fan page where updates will be is www.facebook.com/HolidayCardExchange. Please, like this page to receive updates and/or changes in the program. The profile picture will change for each holiday we do a card exchange for. I'm not sure yet what the next holiday will be. Any suggestions anyone has will be greatly appreciated! Thank you, all!!

United In Loss? Not So Much!

I don't have to explain to anyone who reads my blog or are fans of my Facebook page, the importance of a good support system when grieving the loss of a baby. Yesterday, the support system that I have established, and work very hard to establish, for nearly 3,000 people was nearly taken away. And for what reason?

About six months ago, when I first started really working on my facebook page, I found a graphic on Google. See, I make graphics for the ladies on my page as a way to keep our angels memories alive. Usually when I make a graphic, I find something basic, sometimes through Google, and I build on it. Sometimes I make them from scratch. I NEVER use anything that has a watermark or copyright info on it. Strictly use free graphics. Anyway, I found a graphic that had a blue & pink footprint, a heart and wings on it. That's ALL THE GRAPHIC HAD ON IT. No copyright material, no Web page and no facebook page. I made a graphic and posted it for people to request. No problems. Well, day before yesterday, I made a cover photo out of this same graphic and, as usual, uploaded it for everyone to request. I made them and uploaded them, as usual. Yesterday, when I woke up, I got on my page and discovered drama to beat all drama! A lady, named Tammy*, had commented under nearly every one of the graphics saying that I had stolen the graphic and that it belonged to her and another girl named Keri*. In my inbox, Keri had sent me a message demanding that I take down the graphic that I "stole" from her or she would be "forced to take legal action" against me. She claimed the graphic was copyrighted except when I asked for proof, I was ignored. In her message, she also offered to "help me make digitalized images that I wouldn't have to take from others". That's a joke! First of all, you don't accuse me of stealing from you in one sentence and then offer to "help" me in the next! I've never been so offended in my life! So stunned that fellow angel mothers are acting this way!

Now, granted, I can see getting upset over this if someone purposely took something of yours and then took credit for it. But before I would start throwing out threats and claiming you stole it from me, I would first ask, you know, "where did you find this graphic because it belongs to me". You don't go on someones page and openly accuse them of "stealing" from you!! This can automatically cause the person to lose fans and give them a reputation of being a thief, so to speak. I say, so to speak, because I don't see using a graphic as "stealing." Anyway, I tried explaining that I most certainly did NOT take the graphic from her page. I told her I found the graphic, just as it was, in a Google search. I told her that if she showed me proof that she had the graphic copyrighted then I would gladly take them all down. This was ignored and she immediately went to reporting every single graphic that had the footprints on them.

Now, to veer away from the story for a minute, to give a little background about Keri. I was a fan on her page nearly two years ago. Although I was on the page, I rarely actually participated in anything. So, one day, I decided that I would request one of the graphics she had up. As I said, I'd never requested one before. Therefore, I didn't know what or how she done things or how I was supposed to find it. She said only the first 100 people to comment could get one. I was around the 30th person to comment, well within a 100. So, when she made them, I looked through them and didn't see mine. I seen the girl in front of me and the one that was behind me. But not mine. So, I left a wall post, simply saying, "I was wandering if you made the graphic for Kaylea? I've never requested one so I didn't know if I was just looking in the wrong place, lol! Thank you!" You would think that I had just cussed her out! A woman commented and said to me "it's people like you that causes her to stop doing graphics!" So, that made me very angry and confused! I said, "all I asked was am I looking in the wrong place! I didn't say anything bad!" In the meantime, I emailed Keri because even though I rarely participated, I had met some really sweet women within the page. I didn't want to be kicked off over something so petty. I told Keri the story and told her that I didn't mean anything bad by asking where it was or if she had done it yet. I told her I was sorry if it offended her. A few minutes later, I received a response from Keri. She not only emailed this to me, she posted it on the page. She said, "By asking me that, you're implying that I'm not doing my job. You have ruined the one night I have with my family by emailing me about the graphic. You didn't even request a graphic." She rambled on for a while about me asking her a question and how offended she was. So, I thought to myself, this page isn't supportive at all anyway. What support I have received has come from within the page from fellow fans. So, I told Keri, "I'm not like the rest of your fans. You are not going to talk to me like I'm a dog! All I did was ask a simple question about a graphic. I didn't say you weren't doing your job, nor did I imply that! You should have more respect for your fans!" After this, I left the page myself. This so called support page was full of drama. She treats her fans so terrible. She has a few choice women that she's wonderful to and the rest she's unbelievably rude to. I observed things on the page for quite some time and the way she treats some people is just uncalled for, in every way.

On this "support" page, she also sells jewelry and random things in memory of angels. Some time after the incident with the graphic, I was flipping through a magazine and found a necklace identical to one that she sells, very much overpriced. One that she claims she hand makes. She charges $50 for the necklace and another $10 for shipping. Now, I run a charity where I send bears out to people, free of charge by the way, and it only costs around $2 for shipping. Now I know it doesn't cost $10 to mail a necklace! They go by weight and a necklace is VERY light. Anyway, the one I found was only $30 with FREE SHIPPING! She's a crook and a fraud. She takes complete advantage of vulnerable grieving parents.

So, back to the story! As a result of her reporting over a 100 of my graphics, Facebook shut my page down. They also put me in a terrible spot with Facebook. I was warned about being shut down for good as I've been flagged as using copyrighted material. Which was a lie! Anyway, as I said above, having a proper support system is invaluable in the grieving process. We need someone we can turn to that knows what we are going through. I have nearly 3,000 people who have a support system within my page. My sole purpose is helping these wonderful women. And for some of them, my page is all they have. By having my page shut down, she also shut down the place these women turn to for comfort. And there's is nothing good about that. Granted, I didn't edit that graphic but the purpose of the graphics, no matter who made them is all the same: to help bereaved parents keep their Angels memories alive! These two ladies should know the importance of this. Instead of thinking about the consequences of their actions, they proceeded to report these graphics and have the page shut down. It's my opinion that people like them should not have the privileged of helping bereaved mothers. Obviously, they don't know how important having support is. But then again, I wouldn't expect someone whose sole purpose is making money off of bereaved parents, to understand the importance of having a support system. I don't sell anything on my page and my charity is free of charge for bereaved parents. I don't make people pay for the graphics I make either, no matter when they request one!

The purpose of me telling this is simple: think about what you're doing before you do it! These two childish girls reported these graphics, without first trying to find out how I got it in the first place. By doing that, they nearly tore away almost a year of work and over $500.00 I've personally put into my page. Without no regard for what they were doing! It's a shame that bereaved mothers can't come together and help each other without causing childish drama! We are supposed to be united in the loss of our angels, together, there for one another. Instead, some choose to pit themselves against others that are just trying to help! What drives a person to do this? Jealousy? Envy? Or just plain ignorance. Whatever the case, it needs to stop! We need to stand beside each other. No followers, no leaders. Walk beside one another. It only makes sense because we're all here for the same reason: we've lost a MUCH WANTED baby!

So, what I hope people take away from this blog is have a little respect for people who are just trying to help! If you stop and think about it, all that drama was caused over a graphic, A GRAPHIC! So, petty! And disappointing. Think before jumping to conclusions and throwing false accusations around! Think about the people you'd hurt by shutting a page down over something so stupid!

In closing, I'd like to thank my wonderful and loyal fans for not believing these horrible ladies and leaving my page! I want to thank everyone who has been with me since I started! Because of you ladies, I have a purpose! Thank you, ALL OF YOU!!

*Names have been changed to keep these children from reporting anything else & trying to sabotage what I've worked hard to do!*

Breathe, Baby, Just Breathe!

I've been through quite a lot in my 29 years on this earth. I've buried my first born baby, lost my second baby through a miscarriage and lost my granny all within 7 months of 2004. My husband left me at five months pregnant with every baby we have. I lost my other granny last July. All of this pales in comparison to what I woke up to on Friday, June 28, 2013 (yesterday).

On Thursday night, after I gave my daughter a bath, she felt a little warm. She had been outside playing earlier and I didn't know if she was just hot from being outside or if she was running a fever. So, to be on the safe side, I took her temperature. It was 100.7, which is not high. Both her and my son have run temps much higher than this plenty of times before. So, I gave her some Motrin and she went to sleep in my moms recliner. She wanted to sleep in the living room with me. I sleep on my couch because my bed hurts my back. Anyway, before she fell asleep, she told me, "I feel a lot better, Mommy." I said, that's great baby! I wasn't feeling well either. But we fell asleep.

At 8:30 am on Friday morning, I suddenly sat straight up on the couch. I don't know what woke me up. Maybe it was my motherly instinct kicking in. I heard a weird noise coming from the recliner and I could see that Kenadi was breathing funny. I got up and went over to her and what I seen will haunt me the rest of my life. A parents worst nightmare: my baby turning blue and unresponsive. Just typing this is sending my nerves into a knot in my stomach.

I touched her arm and her skin felt like it was on fire! She was making a gurgling noise and was foaming at the mouth, like little bubbles coming out of the corner of her mouth. She was breathing but barely. And it was like she was taking quick gasps of air. Her skin was bright red and her face was turning blue. I said her name, nothing. I lifted her up and it was just dead weight. At this point I began to panic. I started yelling, PLEASE WAKE KENADI, PLEASE BABY, WAKE UP!!!! And NOTHING!! She would open her eyes not even half way and they were rolling around in her head.

My Mom lives with us but she works third shift. I was here alone and since I didn't know what was happening, I was completely oblivious as to what to do. So, I just kept begging her to breathe. Please just breathe!! Please wake up, dear God, please let my baby wake up!! For some reason, I picked her up and took her outside and laid her in the grass. I had dialed 911 and I was holding the phone with my face and shoulder and my cheek must've hit the end button before anyone picked up. My neighbor, Vicki, always tells me, "if you ever need me, just call me." So, I just began screaming her name to the top of my lungs. I began screaming "somebody please help me, PLEASE HELP ME!!!!" I felt like I was in a bad scary movie where the person is screaming, help, and no one comes! All of a sudden, my Mom & Vicki come rolling into the yard. It turns out, Mom had run up to Vickis to pay her for mowing our grass on Thursday. So, she was at Vickis and they heard me screaming help me. Mom was just as scared as I was! By this time, I had called 911 & was on the phone with them. My Mom kept asking me what happened. I said, I don't know, when I woke up she was like this!! I came into the house to explain what was going on to dispatch. Through my hysterical panic, I tried my best to tell her what happened.

Meanwhile, Vicki come in and wet towels with cold water and Mama was outside still trying to get her to breathe. Mama was saying, Kenadi wake up baby, breathe, please look at me. And nothing happened. She was still laying there with her eyes rolling back in her head & by now Mama couldn't get a breath from her. At this time, Mama was positioning her to start CPR while Vicki covered her from head to toe with the cold towels. As Mama tilted her head to start CPR, she let out a breath and opened her eyes!!! My baby was coming back around!!

Mama picked her up and brought her inside. I was still on the phone with 911 when I seen her with her eyes open. Mama took her temperature and it was 101.7° Her eyes were still rolling around as she looked up at Mama and said, "Am I gonna die, nanny?" I lost it again. Not because of what she said but because I heard her sweet voice!! She was very disorient and didn't know what was going on. She thought she was just waking up from being asleep. Eventually, the ambulance arrived & took us to the hospital. It was determined that she suffered a febrile seizure. It's caused by a quick & sudden spike in the temperature of a child. Apparently, it's very common in small children. The doctor found that her tonsils were a bit red & swollen and that was the culprit for the fever in the first place. I was told to alternate Motrin & Tylenol for the fever. That's it. By the time we left, my baby was 100% back to normal.

I had a lot of things go through my mind as I watched my daughter, helplessly unable to take this away from her. As a parent, you are expected to protect your children from any kind of harm. But what happens when nature kicks in and you can't take away the pain with a kiss? What happens when your Childs body turns violently against them right before your eyes? At one point, I dropped to my knees and begged God to spare my daughters life. That if he had to take someone, to please take me instead of her! Please, don't take another baby away from me! I'll do anything to keep her! What would I tell Gavin if she dies? How will I explain to a 7 year old child that he won't be seeing his "sissy" anymore? I thought about her as a baby, off to a rocky start. It's like her life was flashing before my eyes. I thought, I'd give anything to hear her say I love you, Mommy!  Or hear her say the many hilarious things she says throughout everyday! Or hear her feet running up the hall with her "doo-dads" box in her hands. Every time she's ever done something little kids do to get in trouble ran through my mind. Every problem I was having suddenly disappeared and all that mattered was bringing her back. Snapping her out of whatever was happening to her. It was so surreal. I felt like I was floating outside my body watching this and not being able to help my baby. Watching, helplessly from the sidelines.  Watching her beautiful eyes sink & roll around in her head, while I scream, begging her to breathe, begging her to wake up. Just please wake up, baby!!

It opened my eyes. Opened them up to the possibility that I may have to say goodbye to yet another child of mine. Only this time, I wouldn't pull through it. I used to say that if my baby had to die (when I had Kaylea), I wish I'd gotten atleast a little time with her, alive, outside of my body. But now that I have two living children, I can't bare the thought of losing one of them! Of course, I realize that your children can be taken from you just as fast as they were given. And now that I know what happened was a seizure and was not at all life threatening, I still don't have peace of mind. To me, I thought she was dying. The doctor acted very casual about it because I'm sure he's sees this every single day. But I don't! And I hate that he was so casual about it. I know someone had to be calm but atleast acknowledge that it was very scary for me as a mother who's never seen this happen! I don't take kindly to someone being so casual about my daughters life, my life!

This was a very real moment in my life. A moment I hope to never have to relive as long as I'm alive. The shear terror of losing my baby girl has scared me down to my soul. Everytime I close my eyes, I see her little body, still, unresponsive and burning up. I hear the noise she was making. I feel the helpless feeling, all over again. I feel the panic and the desperate attempt to get her to wake up. I go into her room during the night, several times, to make sure she's ok. I can't seem to get passed it.

This wasn't life threatening, but I didn't know that at first. So I really thought she was dying. As a result, I learned a lesson. What I'm taking away from this horrendous experience is never take your children for granted. No one knows when they will be called home. Love your kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Laugh & play with them. Memorize every laugh, every cry, every word they say. Because, one day you may give anything to hear those sounds one more time. I will never take these things for granted again. My children are precious, a borrowed gift from God that will someday need to be returned. Until then, I'll hug my children a little tighter and thank God for lending them to me!

My Dream Fades Into A Nightmare..

Hey, everyone! I've avoided blogging for quite some time now because this is where things go terribly wrong in my life. I've wished so bad to go back and change these things, but I can't.. My story continues...

In December, 2007, I began dating a childhood friends brother, Jay*. I'd know him since I was seven years old and his sister, Lynn* and I were best friends. I didn't know him on that level, on an intimate level. When we were young, he was about seven years older than me, he had a problem with his kidneys. He had a tumor that rested on a nerve or something to that effect. Anyway, it caused him to not feel the sensation of having to go pee. (I'm telling what's wrong with him because I feel like this was a big reason why he was so crazy.) Anyway, at this time, I didn't know he still had this problem because when we were younger, he had surgery and I was under the impression that the problem was fixed. I was wrong.

I'm not a small minded person. I don't judge people and I don't care about things like that. It wouldn't have kept me from being with him, that alone. But that was, as I discovered, just a small fraction of the problems he had.

He was like a dream at first. Very considerate and sweet. Done things for me, he was a man! Jeremy couldn't fix things around the house, things a man is supposed to do, Jeremy couldn't do! Jay could!! Before long, that dream spun quickly into a nightmare..

When we started dating, Gavin was two and a half and Kenadi was eight months old. Gavin was still sleeping in the bed with me and since I discovered Jay still has his kidney problems, I was getting Gavin out of my bed. So, one night Gavin woke up at 4 am and I went and laid down with him in his little Spongebob toddler bed and dozed off. I awoke to Jay in a complete frenzy about 30 minutes later. Tearing up EVERYTHING in my house, woke up both kids. So, here we are, me, my 2 year old and my 8 month old, sitting on the couch at 4:30 am, listening to this psycho raise hell because I got up with my son!! Finally, I told him, take a look at what you're doing and why you're mad!! You fucking psycho!! So he shut up and I laid back down with my son. Another night, I woke up and he was in my kitchen at 2, naked, going through my cell phone!! I mean, are you kidding me?!

About a month into our short lived "relationship", we got into an argument because I had gotten my tax check back and he wanted me to rent another place to live, which I was totally against! I wasn't stupid enough to move from my home that was mine into a home in both our names. I'd come home and he'd have mine & my babies stuff outside. No, I wasn't that stupid! At this time, he sill had his own place but he wouldn't leave my house and stopped paying rent at his so he was told to move his stuff out. I was there with him when he just flipped out & I can't even remember why. I was running to his back door and he threw one of his sons chairs at me and missed. For some reason, I thought that was funny and I laughed. BIG MISTAKE!!! He ran after me, screamed, "you stupid bitch, you deserve to have your kids die"!! All hell shot through me! As I was leaving, he kicked my mirror off the side of my car. I went home, gathered a Playstation that he had at my house, and all the games, put it under my car tire and ran over it! I though "if I deserve to have my kids die, than you deserve to have your shit broke!!" Unbeknownst to me, this Playstation was his 5 year old sons. I had no idea, he always told me it was his. Had I known this, I wouldn't have touched it! This is an important part to my story of Jay.

This fight blew over, eventually. About a month later, he had two checks that he had bounced at a convenience store, BEFORE WE BEGAN DATING. He sent me to this store one day while he was at work to pay these checks for him. Well, his baby mamas sister worked in this store. As I walked in, she started cussing at me saying that I better not touch her nephews stuff again, I didn't catch half of what she said. Now, apparently, he had told his BM that I tore it up for the hell of it. Which was a complete LIE!! I would've never touched it had I known it was his sons!! Anyway, I told her, first of all I didn't know it was the babys. Second of all, you don't know what went on as to why I tore it up in the first place and third, I didn't come in here to talk to you about that. It's none of your business anyway!! I come in here to pay these checks for his dumb ass!! I can see why she would be mad about that but it's not what happened!! Anyway, he gave me $200.00 to pay the checks and the total was $217.00. They wouldn't let me pay just what I had. I had to have the full amount, so I left, without paying it. First of all, I didn't bounce the checks, HE DID, BEFORE I was with him! So it wasn't my responsibility to pay his bills. After all, he didn't help me pay my bills, AT ALL! And second, I didn't have money to waste on that because I didn't care, to be honest.

I came home, and really, I wasn't expecting him to act stupid because he's the one that didn't give me enough money to pay it. And it wasn't my fault they wouldn't let me pay only $200.00 on it.

My night quickly went bad. With my babies watching......

*The names have been changed*

"Doctor" Kermit Gosnells House Of Horrors

This is a remarkable moment in American life: A man is killing actual living, gurgling, bouncing babies on an industrial scale –and it barely makes the papers.

I was catching up on the news just now online and I came across an article about a back alley "doctor" named Kermit Gosnell, who has been charged with 7 counts of first-degree-murder stemming from him killing 7 viable unborn babies. He ran a back alley abortion clinic in Pennsylvania, with untrained, medical assistants that he hired off the street with no education in the medical field. He performed botched abortions past the 24 week cutoff for "legal" abortion. If the baby was born alive, he would stab the back of the neck, with scissors, and sever the babys spine, thus killing the baby. I use the word "legally" very loosely as I believe all abortions, these barbaric procedures, should be outlawed and any form of abortion should be illegal! THIS is the form of abortion I'm talking about! Blatant, heartless abortion for the hell of it! NOT, "I found out, through ultrasound, that my baby has no brain or terminal birth defects, and my doctor gave me the option to INDUCE labor or wait until my body goes into labor naturally." This is NOT AN ABORTION!

Another thing that upsets me about this man, other than the fact that he was blatantly and heartlessly killing innocent babies, is that the Pennsylvania Health Department stopped doing routine inspections on the unprofessional business he was running. Scaring women out of filing complaints by telling them they would be required to reveal their identity and testify in court! In 1998, a 15 year old girl goes to.his clinic, Women's Medical Society to have an abortion. She decided that she couldn't go through with it and this enraged Gosnell! He then preceded to hold this girl down, rip her clothes off and drug her, while yelling "this is the same care I'd treat my own daughter with"! She woke up THREE DAYS LATER, in her aunts apartment, NO LONGER PREGNANT!! 

One of the "doctors" unqualified medical assistant testifies in court and admits to cutting the spines of atleast TEN viable babies!! What kind of sick, macbre world do we live in that makes it ok to stab a baby in the neck and cut his/her spine to kill it?!

Her testimony:

Medical assistant Adrienne Moton admitted Tuesday that she had cut the necks of at least 10 babies after they were delivered, as Gosnell had instructed her. Gosnell and another employee regularly “snipped” the spines “to ensure fetal demise,” she said.

Moton sobbed as she recalled taking a cellphone photograph of one baby because he was bigger than any she had seen aborted before. She measured the fetus at nearly 30 weeks, and thought he could have survived, given his size and pinkish color. Gosnell later joked that the baby was so big he could have walked to the bus stop, she said.

Now, when asked in court if he understood the charges that were being brought against him, he replied that he "understood the first charge (third degree murder of a 41 year old woman who died as a result of an accidental drug overdose after a botched abortion in his clinic) but not the seven counts involving the babies. In his mind, he'd done nothing wrong. It was a simple case of finishing what he'd started: an abortion. But if I'm not mistaken (said jokingly), abortions are performed inutero, and if a baby is born alive during an abortion, measures have to be taken to keep the baby ALIVE, not stab it in the neck to "finish the job"!!

What kind of world are we living in when it's socially and legally acceptable to perform a procedure so grotesque on a living, breathing human being!? Which brings me to my next question: since it's "ok" to kill an infant in such a horrible way, why stop there? Why not let anyone kill their children at any age and then pat them on the back for doing it because they are simply "tired of being a parent"? Why not set up a "Safe Haven" box outside the abortion clinic and allow parents everywhere to bring their babies by, stick them in the box, ring the little bell and leave? Leaving your OWN CHILD to be killed in a horrible, painful way!! And how is it that this happened TWO YEARS AGO and I'm just hearing about it?! Everytime someone is busted selling drugs, it's all over the news. But the death of possibly thousands of babies in grotesque and barbaric ways is barely talked about!

The lawyers keep emphasizing that he's not on trial for performing abortions but for killing 7 living babies. To me, there's no difference! Someone on an anti-abortion page made a comment that rocked me to my very soul: "A fetus isn't a baby until it takes it's first breath". REALLY?! So that little "ball of cells", that has a HEARTBEAT by the way, isn't a person? We were all once just a "clump of cells" does that make us "not a real person" as well? People say, "the baby can't feel pain so who cares?" A doctor who specializes in premature birth testified:

Dr. Conway testified that even premature babies, born in the second trimester, feel pain. He said doctors define them as "born alive" if there is a heartbeat. At that point, he said, they are treated as patients and, at a minimum, kept comfortable, even if they are deemed too young to survive.

So, if a baby born in the second trimester can feel pain, than a baby can feel pain at any gestational age! Who are we to say a baby can't feel pain? No one knows for sure and so every situation should be treated as if the baby CAN feel pain! One abortion procedure involves pouring acid on the babys body and literally burning it's skin off! If you think a baby don't feel that than YOU ARE CRAZY! That kind of abortion procedure is performed during late abortion.

In closing, abortion is the most inhuman, barbaric procedure ever invented by a human being! I'd love to meet the jackass that come up with the idea of ripping a baby, from limb to limb, out of the womb, through a vacuum!! Everyone has to stand before the Lord one day and be judge for their wrongdoing! I would hate to be an abortionist on that day!!

Lord, hold all the tiny babies who've been taken by this grotesque "procedure", safely in your arms!! Show no mercy for this horrible man and the people that helped him rob these babies of their precious lives!

The picture below is the devil incarnate: Kermit Gosnell

Letting him go for good..

Less than a week after I let Jeremy come back home, my feelings began to change. He had been gone for nearly eight months and I'd gotten used to doing everything in my own. During this eight months, me and my friend Amanda had began going out some on the weekends. We especially loved to go listen to a good friends band play. It was a Saturday night and the band was playing at a nearby bar. It was to be their final show and I didn't want to miss it. Jeremy didn't want me to go but ultimately I decided I didn't care what he wanted! I went anyway!

That night, everyone kept asking me why I let him come back home. And I couldn't think of any reason why I had! Which made me realize, maybe I didn't want him there after all that maybe the whole reason I let him come back was to prove to his whore, Amanda, that she was no different than me! That he would leave her at any given time as well. I had proven that point so maybe it was time to bow out, once and for all! I though maybe I could have my happy family back. But this time was different than the others for one reason: GAVIN! When Jeremy left me this time, he left our son too! He chose a woman he'd only known for a month over our son. I had to watch my 15 month old son screaming for his daddy the night he left. I had to watch Gavin crying for his daddy the night I caught him with Amanda in Walmart, as he walked right by Gavin like he didn't know him! Screw me over if you want but don't mess with my kids! He'd hurt our son and to me, that was the deal breaker! They say "forgive and forget" but without one the other is completely void! And it was clear, I couldn't forgive nor forget that he had done this to us! I say just Gavin because I was pregnant with Kenadi when Jeremy left. I know he left her too but she didn't witness it therefore she is completely unaffected by this happening. Gavin wasn't unaffected. Though, in terms of long term affects, of course now he doesn't remember it happening, which is good, I suppose. But it doesn't stop him from asking me now why doesn't his daddy have anything to do with him. I feel as though Kenadi doesn't even have a daddy as he's never actively participated in her life!

Anyway, when I got home from my night out that Saturday, Jeremy was asleep on the couch. I tried waking him up to no avail. So, I went to bed. The next day, I told him he had to go. I told him I'd made a huge mistake letting him come back because too much time had passed and I'd been burned by him one too many times.

Little did I know, he'd already made his plans to go back to Amanda. She came and picked him up. The next day, I looked my cell phone bill up online and seen where he'd spent all night Saturday, while I was gone, talking to Amanda on my phone! After this happened, we didn't speak for a couple weeks. I still hadn't gone back to work since I had had Kenadi. The job I had when I went out on maternity leave, didn't hold my job. Instead, my boss offered me another position in which I'd make ALOT less than I did before. I wouldn't have been able to live off the job and raise two babies, whom were both still in diapers at this time. So, I had to find a new job. At this time, I had gotten what was called "Emergency Assistance"from my local social services. They had paid all my bills up until August 2007. So, I hit the trail looking for a job because the time was coming when I was going to have to start paying my bills again.

Walmart called me at the last minute and I was hired to work in the jewelry department same as when I lived in Farmville.

Things seemed to be back on track for me until December 2007 when, unbeknownst to me, a psycho walked into my life. And things took a turn for the worse........

Be gone! Before someone drops a house on you!

I want to vent a little bit about some things that I've seen over the past few days.

First off, a few days ago, a friend of mine that I met on my pregnancy loss facebook page, sent me an inbox message that had a link to a disturbing page. She asked me to report this page, so I clicked on the link and what I seen was truly disturbing! The page was called "Funny stuff about Dead babies". And on this page this person was stealing peoples photos of their angel babies and putting obscene things on the photos. For example, on one, he drew a penis going into the babys mouth. Now, this is horrible on so many levels but it still doesn't shock me as I've seen it too many times! Losers that want attention go to great lengths to get it. But I'm here to tell these losers, there's better ways to get attention! No, what was shocking was when I reported it to facebook, they sent back an Email saying they investigated the page and come to the conclusion that no rules or terms were violated by this page!

This makes me absolutely LIVID!! REALLY, FACEBOOK?! It doesn't violate anything? Well, how about the parents of these beautiful babies? How about the privacy he's violated by stealing other users photos? What about these precious babies he's violating by drawing penises on their faces?! It's ok to do this to an angel babys photo but yet I've heard of mothers who've been asked to take down breastfeeding photos by facebook. And if they weren't removed, facebook removed them! Also, I know a few angel mothers whose photos of their angels were removed by facebook for "offending" other users! This is just appalling to me! You have a choice to make with every click on the internet. If these pictures bother you, the answer is very simple: DON'T LOOK AT THEM! But don't report a photo of our angels as "offensive"! Let us have our memories in peace! To us, our angels are treated as if they were still living! We celebrate them and show them off because we are proud to be their parents! Don't rob us, in very unjustly ways, of the innocence that is our babies! We have enough grief and heartache without adding to it! Leave us be! We show these photos off because it's all we have left of our angels! And we shouldn't have to remove them or worry about some low life, pathetic asshole stealing them and violating them! GET A FREAKING LIFE, ALREADY! There are thousands upon thousands of facebook pages dedicate only to drama, go to one of those and stay off of our support pages!

Which leads me to the second thing that's bothering me: rude comments by complete strangers. I've heard things like "I don't understand why you talk about a baby that's dead" Here's the thing: it's not for you to understand! If you're not in the baby loss club then you'll never understand the yearn that we have as angel parents to have back the baby we never got to bring home! All the shattered, broken dreams that died when our babies died! A piece of out heart died with our angels! How dare anyone get offended over us talking about our angels!

Which raises the age old saying: some things are better left UNSAID!

Now, "be gone! Before someone drops a house on you!!"

My stupid mistake!

Continuing my story from when Kenadi was sick at four weeks old. So, while I was in the hospital with Kenadi, Jeremy refused to come stay or even come see her! She was so tiny and sick and I felt so very bad for her. It was such a helpless feeling because I couldn't take it away from her!

We spent two nights in the hospital and then we were released. I was to give Kenadi two different prescription medicines. One for acid reflux and the other to help get her formula to her stomach. I also had to add cereal to her formula to thicken it and help her put weight on.

Jeremy and I continued arguing, mainly because I didn't want to leave Gavin & Kenadi with him and his girlfriend. I didn't know anything about her and what I did know, I hated! Plus, my infant baby didn't need to be around another woman trying to be her mother! Alot of my hate stemmed from her being a part of breaking my family up. Don't get me wrong, I didn't just blame her but she knew about me. She knew he was married and his wife was 5 months pregnant and had an 18 month old son at home! What kind of woman does that!? I hated her with a passion that almost scared me!

After time began to pass, I finally accepted the fact that Jeremy and I were truly over this time. He wouldn't be coming back and I needed to move on. For a while I would let him get Gavin & Kenadi but on my terms! I wanted him doing everything for Kenadi. Changing her diapers, feeding her and giving her meds and a bath. I didn't want Amanda doing any of these things! A few months later, Jeremy was having to attend anger management classes because of the assault and battery charges on me and Gavin. I began taking him because his lovely girlfriends car was broke down. He began talking about coming back home. See, by this time, I had gotten used to doing whatever I wanted to do! So I wasn't sure I wanted him back. Plus, everything he'd put me through I just couldn't forgive him! But, after a while, we began sleeping together again. He spent more time at my house than he did at home! And I can't lie, I missed him, very much! But, I didn't know if I missed him bad enough to take him back. After thinking about it for around a week, I decided I would let him come back home.

He made a plan to wait (as he ALWAYS did) until Amanda left for work and move out. Keep in mind, that's how he always did me! He'd wait until I was gone to pack up & move! I think part if me just wanted to prove to Amanda that I could get him back. I had spent months listening to her say if I'd taken care of my man I wouldn't have lost him! And I kept telling her she was an idiot if she thought he wouldn't do it to her as well! He had already been cheating on her with me. So, of course, when she got him, he was gone. She immediately began calling my house and I refused to let her talk to him. Instead, I said, "if you'd taken care of him, maybe he'd still be with you!" And, oh, did it feel good to say that to her!! She'd come to my house if we were gone and leave notes for him on my door.

The only problem was, during the 7 months we'd been split up, I'd fallen way out of love with him. And I knew as soon as I let him come back that I really didn't want him there. As I said, I kind of just wanted to prove a point. But things were not the same with him at all. And a week in, it was time to make a change...

(The photos below are of Kenadi and Gavin through her first year. She caught her weight up quick :)

Making a difference!

Hello Everyone!

I haven't blogged in quite some time but I've been doing my part to make a difference! Leanne at Aching Arms asked me to take over sending teddy bears to bereaved parents in the US. By doing this, it allows shipping and postage to remain free for everyone! I've also made a Facebook page dedicated to keeping our angels memory alive.

As most of you know, on March 20th it will be 9 years since my first baby, a girl, Kaylea Blair, was stillborn at 27 weeks gestation. When this happened, I was incredibly sick and as a result, was drugged out of my mind! As the years go by, I live in fear of her memory fading away. You see, I hadn't known anyone who'd had a stillborn baby and therefore, didn't know my options for what to do. Instead, I was left with 3 Polaroid photos that fade more and more each day, I didn't get to bathe my baby and she was buried wrapped in a Peter Rabbit blanket. And, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for these things as a lot of angel parents don't get these things! But it is not enough! We shouldn't be robbed of these precious memories, albeit milestones, just because our babies were born forever sleeping!

The doctor wasn't compassionate about this and didn't tell me anything I could do. Doctors need to educate patients and make them aware that things can go wrong during pregnancy. And not every pregnancy ends with a healthy baby. As alot of the time people are unaware of the things that go wrong and causes their babies to go, far too soon! When you give birth to an angel baby, all the memories you can make have to be made soon.

You see, we don't get to bring our babies home to begin making a lifetime of memories! Our memories of our angels are confined to a hospital room. So, we need to know every single thing we can do to capture our angels in a way they will never be forgotten! Things every parent wants to experience with their child: first picture, first bath an outfit to wear home from the hospital. We, as angel parents, should get to experience these 'firsts' as well! We should get a million photos of our angels, get to bathe our angels, put a beautiful outfit on his/her for the pictures! But, unfortunately, we are not told our options and a lot of us are left with sadness and regret. And alot of coulda, woulda, shoulda!

I've made it my goal to try as hard as I can to make keepsakes in memory of our angels! If there's anything I know, it's the importance of keepsakes for our angels. We become the voice they never had and if we don't speak for our children then who's left to speak for them? No one. They become a whisper in the wind and forgotten! As if they never existed! Not while I'm alive and breathing! ALL BABIES MATTER!!

In the words of Dr. Seuss: A PERSONS A PERSON, NO MATTER HOW SMALL!!

So, if you've stumbled upon my blog or if you read it everyday, please, feel free to join me on Facebook as I work everyday to keep our angels memory alive!!

Below are some of the graphics I've made in memory of angels gone FAR TOO SOON!

Disclaimer: The graphics below belong to Stillbirth And Pregnancy Loss Awareness™. Please do not alter or change the graphics without consent from the owner.
~Landen Thadius, son of Shelby Shepard
~Jamie Wilson, baby of Sheila Wilson
~Michaela Jane, daughter of Kellie Brocco
~James Collins Fitts, Jr., son of Gale Fitts
~Reita Gale, daughter of Gale Fitts
~Scarlett Rose, daughter of Cat Swift
~Mezeker Mylove, daughter of Diamond Rowland
~Kaylea Blair, daughter of Toni Todt :)
~Baby Huerta, baby of Brandy Huerta
~Daisy Leah Nicole, daughter of Shannon Cain

My baby girls rocky start :/

I was released from the hospital on March 17, 2007. Me and my baby girl were finally able to come home! I was so happy and felt so complete! What I wasn't quite prepared for though was how hard it was actually going to be! See, Gavin was only 18 months old and still in diapers! So, I had my hands full! On our first night home, my mama came and stayed with me to help out, since Jeremy was a no show! That night, Kenadi went to sleep at 8pm and the next morning at 4am she still hadn't woke up nor had a bottle since 8 the night before. So I woke her up to give her a bottle. She got choked on it and her face turned blue and red and she began spitting up milk and blood! It scared me half to death!! I immediately called the hospital in a panic!! They said the blood was just left over from when she was born. I was really peculiar over Kenadi because all I could think was, I've got my baby girl here, finally, and it's too good to be true and something bad was going to happen! Anyway, after that was over with the worry still wasn't gone. She was puking ALOT! She couldn't keep anything down. I had had her formula changed three different times. At this point, she was on a formula called Allimentum (that May be spelled wrong) that was $30 for a small can. It was VERY EXPENSIVE!!

Meanwhile, two weeks after Kenadi was born, I got home one day and had a message from Jeremy. He had heard I'd had the baby and he wanted to see, "Jaylynn Cherie". See, before we broke up, her name was to be Jaylynn, for Jeremy because his middle name is Lynn and Cherie because that's my middle name. But after he left, I decided not to name her after him since he didn't care enough about her to stick around! So, I told him her name and he was at work so I took her to Walmart to see her, and I use this term VERY loosely, daddy! He took her around and showed her to everyone with strict orders NOT to show her to his girlfriend!

When Kenadi was a month old, she was still puking, ALOT, and weighed only 6lbs. She hadn't gained not even a pound since her birth! So, I took her to the emergency room. From there it was discovered that she had a heart murmur. She was sent to the pediatric ward at the baptist hospital (this is the hospital that babies are born at not the hospital with the ER) we were transferred by ambulance. She was admitted into the hospital. Of course I told Jeremy but he didn't come! She stayed for two days while doctors ran a series of tests to find out why she couldn't hold her formula down. After ALOT of tests, it was discovered that she had a gastric problem that had a long technical name. It meant that, there's a flap at the bottom of your esophagus that opens when you eat to let your food move into your stomach. Well this flap wasn't opening on her so her formula was just sitting on top of the flap causing her to puke up all her formula! She also had acid reflux and was lactose intolerant. So two medicines were prescribed, her formula was changed to soy and I was to put baby cereal in her formula so she would start gaining weight. Thank God this worked and it didn't take her long at all to catch up! At night when she slept, I had to put her in a wedge on her side so if she threw up in her sleep she wouldn't aspirate on it.

She got off to a very rocky start but she improved very quickly! The arguments between Jeremy and I only continued to get worse! With another court date looming and me not letting him take Kenadi around his girlfriend. At that age, I was the only mama Kenadi was going to have! I didn't feel comfortable with another woman taking care of my newborn baby!

I hated her! She aided in breaking my family up and it wouldn't be long before she and I duked it out.....

Welcome, Kenadi Beatrice Todt!!

On March 12, 2007, I had a regular OB/GYN appointment. At this visit, I told my doctor that I had been having contractions, irregular, but still contractions. I was very uncomfortable and within a week, I had gained ten pounds bringing my overall weight gain up to 19 pound. Which was great considering I gained 75 with Gavin! My doctor decided to send me over to the hospital for monitoring. I figured they'd keep me a couple hours and let me go. Strap the stress test straps on me for a couple hours and discharge me. By this time, I was 37 weeks along and had been going to the doctor every week since 32 weeks to be hooked up to the stress machine to monitor babys movements and heartbeat. But this was not the case this time! If Kenadi was born, she'd be considered term since I was 37 weeks. So I was admitted to the hospital on March 12th. I was having contractions but still irregular about every 10-20 minutes. On the 13th, my doctor came in a couple times to check on me but still no word on weather or not he was going to release me. My mama was there with me and Gavin was with my step-dad. My mama left that night to go home and get clothes together for me and Kenadi since I didn't come with my bags. She returned the next day. My doctor came in on the 14th and decided I was to be induced the next morning at 4am.

Like clockwork, he was in the room at 4am starting me on pitocin. The contractions started full blast at around 9am on March 15th. I had laid in the hospital for two days thinking, what if I have her on the 20th, the same as Kaylea? Talk about a bittersweet day! After what seemed like forever, I was finally dialated to a 4, meaning I could have my epidural if I wanted. And I chose to get it. I was in horrible pain! Pain I didn't quite feel with Gavin as I wasn't in labor long before they decided to take him via C-Section. I had discussed with my doctor about planning another C-Section with Kenadi as it was a small chance my scar would began bleeding and I could hemorrhage. And if it was anything rare that could happen to a pregnant woman, it was going to happen to me! But ultimately, I opted on a vaginal birth with no hesitation to take her via C-Section if anything went wrong. So, the anesthesiologist came in and gave me the epidural. It just so happened that a student was doing them that day and he did mine wrong! It only numbed my right side and I could still feel EVERYTHING!! So another one had to be administered! And this time it took! He gave me a pump to hit every so often. This was around 11:00 am. At about ten after eleven I noticed her heart rate had dropped into the 50s. All of a sudden the nurse come running in the room making me turn on my side and put oxygen on me. Then, when that didn't work, she checked to see if I'd dialated. I had! I had went from a four to a ten in a little less that twenty minutes! It was time to push that's why her heartbeat had dropped! She was coming and fast!! The nurse tried her best to start getting her out. Now, keep in mind, I'd never really had to do this much when having a baby. With Kaylea, I pushed but the doctor pretty much pulled her out and with Gavin I was asleep. So, this was kinda new to me! And let me just say, an epidural is great for pain, yes, but I couldn't tell what I was doing AT ALL!! I was pushing but it felt like I was just bearing down in my chest! Everytime a contraction would stop and I'd stop pushing, Kenadi would go back in! Her heart rate was steadily dropping, so, a vaccum was used. Thus didn't work either! My normal doctor was in surgery so another doctor had to take over. I was begging the nurse to call him to do a C-Section! All I could think was, please God, PLEASE don't take my baby girl from me! Just get her out, PLEASE!!!

I looked over at my mama and her face had turned white! So, I said do y'all know something I don't know? I knew she hadn't died because I could still hear her heartbeat! In a panic, my doctor took the scissors and cut me and pulled her out! At that moment I was so glad I'd gotten the epidural because that would've been very painful!! I had a stage four episiotomy, the worst one!! But there she was! My absolutely BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL!! I couldn't help but think about my angel, Kaylea Blair in that moment! Their birthdays were merely five days apart! Kenadi made, what would otherwise be a horrible month for me, better! She was a new symbol for March!

She was perfect! Born on March 15, 2007 at 11:44 am Weighing in at 5lbs. 6ozs and 18 1/2 inches long! She had a head full of jet black hair and looked like me! She had low birth weight like Gavin because of my blood pressure. I felt complete now! I finally had a baby girl to take home to love and spoil and hold, just because I wanted too!! About twenty minutes after she was born, I let my bed up. My epidural was still in affect so I couldn't feel anything from the waist down. Mama had left to go get me some food because I hadn't eaten since Sunday and it was now Thursday! When she got back, I was sitting up eating and she was talking to me. It was one of those true moments where I could see her lips moving but couldn't hear a single word she was saying! I started to panic! So she got the nurse who laid my bed back down. My blood pressure had dropped severely from sitting up to fast! It was 80/45! So within a few minutes I was back to normal!

Jeremy didn't show up. I had called everyone I knew that talked to him to let him know I was having her. But not a word back. My mama cut her cord and my friend Amanda stayed with me the last night I was in the hospital. My step-dad came in not too much later to bring Gavin to see his new baby sister! It was a proud moment in my life! And the looks Gavin gave her, a look of pure amazement! I was so happy but at the same time I was sad because Jeremy missed her birth! I felt like she didn't even have a daddy!

Kenadi had a rocky start and there was trouble ahead in a few different forms....

The pictures below show Gavin seeing her for the first time, coming home from the hospital and her birth announcement.

His worthlessness is EPIC!

After Jeremy was spotted that day, I decided to take things into my own hands. He'd been gone for nearly a month and wouldn't tell me where he was because he didn't want child support papers delivered to him. No, he wanted to lay up with his whore girlfriend and not be bothered with taking care of our son and soon to be daughter! But I wasn't having that! This was the last time he was going to cheat on me, his PREGNANT wife, and leave me for the whore! So, a few days after he was spotted, me and my friend Amanda Parks went down this road one night after it got dark outside. We rode until we found a trailer park. And there it was, the Burgundy car that he claimed was Charles'! It just so happened Jeremy and I had a mutual friend who lived in this trailer park! So I went to him and he gave me the address! On the way out, I stopped at their mailbox because I wanted to know her name! I wanted to know who this home wrecker was! I pulled out a piece of mail and low & behold the name on the envelope was AMANDA PARKS!!! She had the exact same name as my friend, the one I was with right then!! I was so shocked!! Over the next few weeks I learned that she was 30 years old and Jeremy met her at work at Walmart. She worked in the deli so she was close to him. He had been talkin to her about me and our "arguments" which he, I know, was making up stories because we did NOT argue, ever!! He just wanted to gain empathy from this woman and make her feel sorry for him. She had moved to Virginia from West Virginia after her sons father doped up her Christmas money. So, then I realized the car seat in the car that Jeremy had said was Charles' sons was in fact HER sons car seat! So, Jeremy was helping her raise her son, a child that doesn't even belong to him, but walked away from his own son in Walmart when Gavin was screaming for him! Nonetheless, I had found his address and so I called the courthouse and gave it to them. So he was served with child support papers and assault & battery papers on me and Gavin from the night he kicked Gavin in the head trying to get out of the door with an xbox! I found out that they had been to Walmart and arrested him at work for the A&B charges! He was very confused and questioned me as to where I got the address from. I said you can't run forever! And the kicker to this was: he was less than a MILE away from me!! So that's why gas wasn't used the night I went looking for him at 1am with our 15 month old son!!

Soon it was the day of our court appearance for the Assault charges. I told the judge I didn't think he did what he did on purpose. But she said it didn't matter. He should've left when I told him to and either come back at a later time or sent someone else to get his things. So he was convicted of A&B on me and Gavin! He was also put under a 'No Contact" order. Meaning we couldn't talk directly to one another and couldn't see each other. Anything with Gavin had to be done through a third party source. But of course, Jeremy didn't even bother after that!

Sometime after that, our child support date was here. At this appearance, he was ordered to pay child support as well as spousal support (alimony) in the amount of $275 a month in SS and $200 a month in child support. I was able to prove he was cheating on me since he admitted to it. He also told the judge that I wouldn't "let" him see his son. I told the judge I never said he can't see him. What I said was he is not taking my son where he's living because I don't know the people he's living with. And he had only known her for a month! I was awarded full, sole and physical custody of Gavin. Mainly due to the 'No Contact' order against Jeremy. The judge told him visitation wouldn't be discussed at a child support date. If he had a problem with visitation then he needed to go file papers for visitation. Which he didn't even bother doing! This was in January 2007.

The days passed on without a single word nor an effort from/by him to see Gavin. Nor to ask how things were going with my pregnancy. One day, I decided to text his phone. But she sent a text back telling me to leave Jeremy alone. That he didn't want anything to do with me and that I lost him because I didn't know how to take care of my man. And that they'd see me in court over the kids. So I said yeah right! He will never take me to court because he does NOT care about his kids! And I lost my husband, not because I couldn't "take care" of him but because he's a sorry asshole who cheated on his pregnant wife!! And further more, I don't "take care" of grown ass men! If anything he should've been taking care of me instead of worrying about the next slut he was going to sleep with! I said are you finally admitting that you are sleeping with my husband or continuing to lie? I blamed her just as much as him! Because what kind of woman sleeps with a married man with a pregnant wife and a 15 month old son at home?! And it's not like she didn't know about me because she did!! After thus incident, I let things go, for now! I had to concentrate on getting my baby girl here safely and soundly! My baby girl whom I had decided to name Kenadi Beatrice. Kenadi, after a little girl who was a dwarf on a discovery health show I'd watched and Beatrice after my granny that had died from brain cancer after Kaylea. Also so she'd have the same initials as Kaylea Blair!

My pregnancy was going along and very uneventful, for once! I wasn't as miserable because it was winter and I hadn't gained but ten pounds so far and I was almost eight months pregnant! I was actually enjoying my pregnancy! She kicked all the time and was very active! I had my baby shower for her on March 10, 2007. She was due in just three short weeks! And I was so very excited!! I was to have a routine checkup the next day on Monday, March 12th.

But my baby girl wouldn't wait another three weeks! She was ready to go and was coming ALOT sooner!! And her "daddy" continued to prove just how sorry he could be......

Below are pictures from my baby shower and a belly picture taken in February 2007.

Angel Mothers: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

Today I'm going to steer away from my story and take this opportunity to tribute fellow angel mothers! I say mothers, not because I believe that the fathers don't feel a sense of loss or grief for their children but because I'm a mother and I can relate to other mothers. And in my experience, as most of you have read, the father of my angels didn't care much nor did he stick around to help me get through it. Not that I think all fathers are like this. In my latest experiences, I've actually come across a few fathers who consider their angels like the mothers do. And build their lives around spreading awareness and talking about their angels. But this post is about fellow mothers of angels. You see, the mothers,are the ones that carry our children. We feel every kick, every hiccup, every movement. Which causes us, by nature, to become more attached to our babies from the moment we conceive. I guess you could say, for a while, that I kept my angel, Kaylea, all to myself. I didn't share her with the world. Only sharing her with close friends and family. But recently, in October of 2012, I started a Twitter page in remembrance of her. I thought I'd tweet about stillbirth and raise awareness by telling of warning signs, causes and statistics. But what I never thought I'd find was a group of wonderful, amazingly strong and brave woman that have become sort of a second family to me! It's coming up on nine years since I gave birth to Kaylea Blair, silently, at only 19 years of age. A mere adult, I was happy at the thought of giving birth to my first child, a daughter! A person should never have to give birth to a baby that has already passed away. In it's mothers womb, the place that's supposed to give life, house life, safely within the mother, suddenly turns into a shallow grave. I found only a few people who had lost a child and even fewer that were willing to talk about their children. All I wanted to do was talk about Kaylea! The same as a mother who talks about her living childs first steps or first words. It was no different for me! I was proud of her! The same as if she'd been born alive! So, I kept her to myself. What I found on Twitter was women shouting their babies names from the rooftops! Loving them, rejoicing about them! And I loved it! It made it ok to speak your angels names! People, strangers even, were asking me about Kaylea! Wanting to hear her story! I was amazed! Now, I'm not saying I had no support at all. Because I did. But I met a wonderful woman, Gale, who I've mentioned before, that didn't have the proper support she needed and had kept silent for 37 YEARS! And still she's proud of both her angels! Now she has the support system she needed then and that's so wonderful! I've come to admire her greatly! And even though we've never met, feel like I've known her my whole life! I met Sheila, who's loss is very recent. Who I learned doesn't live far from me! I'd love to meet her! I met Emma, a sweet girl from the U.K. who's baby girl, Charlie died as a result of Potters Syndrome. She reminds me ALOT of myself. She's 20, only a year older than I was when I lost Kaylea. She's such a sweet girl who wants what every mother wants after a loss, to be a mother again. This urge to become a mother after a loss is insatiable! It's kind of like a craving you get while pregnant, it doesn't go away until satisfied. I can relate as I had that sort of "craving" after I suffered a miscarriage 8 months after Kaylea. But I was satisfied by two rainbow babies. So many mothers are still awaiting the arrival of their much wanted and needed rainbow baby. So many women are told they'll never conceive and then by some miraculous stroke of luck, they do! And then, as if it was a quick dream, the baby is taken away. I never had a problem conceiving rather holding the pregnancy. As alot of women have this problem as well. Whatever the case may be, these women DESERVE these babies they're trying so hard to get! I wish so badly that no person would ever have to go through the horrific experience that is child and or baby loss! I know the feeling of putting on a happy face when you are DYING INSIDE!! So many questions that need answers! How do you remain optimistic when your children are being taken from you as quickly as they were given? Why would God give you a baby just to take it away? How can you remain faithful when something so tragic has happened to you? And the biggest question of all: WHY DID MY BABY HAVE TO DIE?!

I want each and every angel mother out there to know one thing: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! If you can't find support at home or in your area, come to us! All babies count, no matter how long they were here, no matter if they never took a breath outside your body, no matter if the pregnancy never made it past the first month, no matter if they lived a minute or a month! That baby was your baby and he/she was a person, a human being, and they MATTER!! Never think your baby is not important and never let anyone tell you he/she isn't important! Please know that, there is a support system out there for you. Full of women who know exactly how you feel every moment of the day! They've thought the same thoughts and asked the same unanswered questions you have, over and over everyday! You just have to find us because we are here! Never keep these feelings to yourself! It will drive you insane!

I have received some beautiful things from a few of the wonderful women I've met on Twitter. @maurasmission offers beautiful blocks that can contain your angels name, birthday, angelverserys, weight & length and your choice of a quote on all four sides. I received a bear from Leanne at @achingarms in memory of my friend Sheilas angel, Jamie. Sheila had the bear sent to me. And these things are free of charge for angel parents. You can also purchase them. These wonderful ladies who know what you're going through. They know the importance of remembering our angels! If you send them a question or want to talk, they always reply almost immediately! And they know beautiful ways for remembering your angels! The pictures below show my bear and my beautiful block I received from these beautiful, amazing ladies!!

I'm leaving you with some quotes that are true of every baby born. And information for any woman that stumbles across my blog who may be feeling these feelings or asking these questions! My Email is: Mamasbby84@aol.com my Twitter name is @Kayleas_Hope04™ I have a Facebook page: Facebook.com/SupportForMothersofAngels Please feel free to contact me, ANYTIME!!

"Not flesh of my flesh nor bone of my bone. But still, miraculously, my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but in it."

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my babys birth. And whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth."

"Tiny angel rest your wings sit with me for a while. How I long to hold your hand and see your tender smile. Tiny angel look at me I want this image clear…That I’ll forget your precious face that is my biggest fear. Tiny angel, can you tell me why you have gone away? You weren’t here for very long…why is it you couldn’t stay? Tiny angel shook his head “These things I do not know…But I do know that you love me and that I love you so.”

"Beautiful memories silently kept of a baby we love and will NEVER forget!"

"God saw you getting tired, a cure not meant to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered, “Come with me.” With tearful eyes we watched you and saw you fade away, although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, your tender hands at rest. God took you home to prove to us he only takes the best."

What's done in the dark....

After the cops left my house, I went down to my mamas and stayed the night. This time, I wouldn't leave my house. I'd stay there with my baby & my baby girl to be. I didn't make enough to pay my rent but there was proof Jeremy was cheating on me as he admitted it. And he and I had talked about what would happen if we ever broke up. I told him as long as we split on good terms, mutually not because he was cheating on me and as long as he helped me with Gavin, I wouldn't involve the courts or child support. But he broke these terms by cheating. There was only one problem: I didn't have an address for him which was needed to file court papers. He was lying to me saying he was living with a guy named Charlie that he worked with. He'd come see Gavin on a Burgundy colored car and told me it was Charlies car. There was a car seat in the back so I asked if Charlie had children and he said yes a little boy a little older than Gavin. I didn't believe he was living with Charlie. As a matter of fact, I didn't even think Charlie was a real person rather a name he made up. Sometime during all of this, one Friday night, Jeremy had come over to see Gavin. Since he wouldn't tell me where he was living and I didn't know the people he was living with, I wouldn't let him take Gavin and leave. So he'd come to the house and see him. I hated these visits because I hated to see him go. Or maybe it was that I was so hurt by what he was doing I didn't want to see him. Anyway, at this visit, he and I had an argument because he came in and stayed barely ten minutes and kept rushing and trying to leave, mad because I wouldn't let him take Gavin and leave. I said start telling the truth and I might would let you! So he claimed Charlie needed his car and left. Later on that night, me, Gavin and my friend Samantha and her son & daughter went to Walmart to get Sam some hair color. We were walking through the grocery aisle when around a corner pops Jeremy and a woman with her arm looped through his, staring lovingly into each others eyes pushing a buggy full of groceries! As he seen me, his eyes looked like a deer in headlights! He just sort of walked past me. The girl obviously didn't know who I was because she seen me too and it didn't phase her. Until he told her who I was. As he walked by, Gavin seen him and began saying "dada, dada" and he kept walking! That shot fury straight through me!! I said, oh HELL NO!! I come up in front of them and said Did u just hear your son calling for you and you walk by him like you don't know him!! And who is this bitch? Is this the whore you've been cheating on me with?! Of course, he said no, they were just friends. And she said the same thing. I said, PLEASE!! Friends don't stare lovingly into each others eyes while grocery shopping arm in arm! How stupid do you think I am?! I said, you were rushing today saying Charlie needed his car back  when really you were keeping your whore waiting! You can't be bothered to spend time with your son!! Instead you'd rather spend your time with a homewrecking whore! Then she spoke up and said, you don't know me to call me a homewrecking whore. Ha! I said you didn't know me to sleep with my husband either but you did! And to me, that's a homewrecker!! You slept with a married man with a fifteen month old son and a six month pregnant wife at home! That is the makings for a homewrecker!! I looked at her and said is that all you have to say? No explanation as to why you're with my husband in Walmart grocery shopping? Then she said, I don't argue in public. I said do you think I look bad questioning you in public? No, there's nothing you can say that will make ME look bad because you are the one with a married man, NOT ME! You are with my husband in the middle of the night! At this point they left their cart sitting there and started going towards the door to leave. So I followed, cussing them out. I needed to know where he was going so I could give the courts an address. So, I got in my car and tried following them. But I lost them because they knew I was following them.

A few days later, a friend of my moms said she saw Jeremy coming out of a road next to her house on the Burgundy car.

So, I was off to see if I could find him myself! If the courts didn't want to put forth an effort, I'd have to just do my own investigating! He wasn't getting away with it this time!

You can run, but you CAN'T HIDE!

And then there was two (and a half)...

Things were going really good. A week after Gavin turned 1 he started walking. I was so proud of him and very happy to be his mommy! I felt like, for once, that my life made sense and that I couldn't be any happier! But, as always, the past would make its appearance and history would repeat itself! I knew it was too good to be true.

In August 2006, we found out we were expecting again! We were trying because I wanted my children to be close in age not years apart. But I was always scared Jeremy was going to leave again. It was a constant thought in the back of my head and it drove me insane! I'd even ask him if he was going to leave even though I wasn't given a reason to think he would at this point. I guess I was just paranoid. This pregnancy was moving on along and was pretty uneventful. No morning sickness and not too much weight was gained. Gavin was very happy to be getting a little brother or sister. I was high risk again but not as strict as with Gavin. I still had ultrasounds done often. My blood pressure was elevated but not bad enough to be on medication. With this pregnancy, I wasn't as scared as I was with Gavin. I never had bad feelings like something was going to happen to my baby. I was very happy! I was given a due date of April 6, 2007. This time I would be pregnant in the winter not the middle of summer like with Gavin so I'd hoped I wouldn't be so miserable this time! On November 10, 2006, we had our 20 week ultrasound. And everything was perfectly measuring. And we found out IT'S A GIRL!!! I was beyond excited! I had my boy and I had a girl in Heaven, so I wanted a girl to hold in my arms. My arms and my heart was aching for a baby girl!

About a week later, things suddenly began changing. But not with my pregnancy but with Jeremy. He was acting like he always did around my 20th week of pregnancy. Distant, very short with me or either not talking to me at all! Something wasn't right. Finally one day I said, what is your problem? Are you getting ready to leave? Who is the girl you're sleeping with? But of course, he denied sleeping with anyone. But he did just blurt out that he wasn't in love with me anymore! I have no idea what ever caused him to do this out of the blue because we got along so good all the time! And I said so why aren't you happy? He said nothing, just stood there looking at me. We began arguing because I wanted to know why! Why he was going to leave me, again, and this time not just me but our 15 month old son!? How could he do this to his son, who loved his daddy so much?! Anyway, I asked if he was seeing someone and he said no. So I asked him if he'd stay home until Christmas so he could see Gavin and he agreed. I'd hoped he'd change his mind and realize he couldn't leave his son. I was wrong! One night, about 3 days after this, I woke up at 1 am and heard the xbox on in the living room. I also noticed my bedroom door was shut and my TV was turned up louder than usual. So I got up and went into the living room and Jeremy was gone. His stuff was still there. Let me just say, I really didn't think he was cheating this time because I talked to him everyday while he was at work so I knew he was there and if he got off at 5 he was home at 5:30! So I didn't think he was cheating. But when I woke up and he was gone I knew then how he was doing it. He'd wait until Gavin and I were asleep and then he'd leave, in the middle of the night! I found out later that he'd been doing this for a month! Being the compulsive liar he was still tried convincing me he wasn't cheating! After I figured out he'd left, I got Gavin up at one in the morning and went out looking for him. I had no idea where to look I was just desperate and hurt for me and my baby boy and baby girl on the way. I rode for two hours and didn't find him so I went home. The next morning he was back. I couldn't live like that for over another month until Christmas. So I told him, I'm NOT stupid, I know you're seeing someone! Who gets up and leaves in the middle of the night just to ride around. That's what he told me he'd been doing just riding around "thinking." I had filled the car up the day before so if he'd been driving for two hours, he would've used ALOT of gas. But the gas hand hadn't moved. So wherever she was, she was very close by. So when I brought up the gas he caved and told me he was seeing someone. I felt like my heart literally broke in half. All these feelings come rushing through me. Our son, how could you do this to him!? I'm pregnant again with a baby girl you're leaving your pregnant wife and fifteen month old son for a whore you just met a month ago? You're throwing everything we've worked so hard to get! Our home, our family, my family that had started trusting him again because he was so great with Gavin and Gavin loved him so much! How could you!!?? I said when you change your mind don't think you're coming back home because I'm so very sick of this! I'm sick of bring abandoned and lied to and cheated on! I'm not just some whore you slept with I'm your wife, the mother of your children! So I told him to get out! Once again, he grabs an xbox first! Are you kidding?! Screw my son, all I want is my xbox! Seriously!? I won't having it! I grabbed it out of his hands and threw it down as hard as I could! Gavin had come out in the hall from his room and I sat down and comforted him as he cried for his daddy! Jeremy didn't even look up. When he come down the hall he had the xbox in his hands, he kicked me into the wall putting a hole in it and when he jumped over me he kicked Gavin in the head! That was it!! All this just to get an xbox out the backdoor! PATHETIC!! So I called 911! He left on foot but apparently she picked him up. He told me before the argument that he was going to stay with a guy he worked with, not the person he was seeing. I didn't believe him, I knew better! The cops arrived and Assault & Battery charges were filed against him on me and Gavin!

He was gone, again. But this time, he not only left me but our son and unborn baby girl. Over the next couple weeks, everything began coming to the light, all the lies led to the truth and it shocked me to my core.......

The pictures below show me while pregnant a couple weeks before her birth. Ultrasound pictures, one of her lil foot and the other is a side profile of her. It may be hard to make out as they are old!