Angelversary Card Exchange Program

Hello! Welcome to the Angelversary/Birthday Card Exchange. Please read this blog for the rules and important information regarding the program. Such as deadlines & how the program works.

How the program works:

Each person that signs up will be required to purchase OR make Birthday greeting cards. NO GIFT IS REQUIRED! You will receive names & addresses chosen for you by me. You will send the greeting cards to the names sent to you. That's it. It's pretty simple. 

Postage and card prices:

If you are within the USA, and the names you have are also inside the USA, the cost of postage is 49¢ per stamp. If you have one person outside of the USA, the cost is either 3 stamps for one card, or if you take it to the post office, you pay $1.10. It's easier just to put 3 stamps on it. If you are in the UK, please contact your local post office or mailing service to check postage prices. I don't want to give the wrong info. In the USA, if you choose to purchase the cards, they can be bought very cheap. Dollar General & Family Dollar store sell the cards for as little as 50¢-$2.00. 

Deadlines:

The deadlines are still being worked out. However, I will send out the names & address the last week of each month. For example-August angels makes will be sent out the last week of July. The deadlines to send out the cards will be pretty much the same as all of my exchanges:

•If you live inside the USA & the name you have is also inside the USA, the card needs to be sent out at least 4-5 days BEFORE the birthday. 

•If you live in the USA & the name you have is outside the states, you'll need to send them out at least 6-7 days BEFORE the birthday. 

And vice versa. 

If for some reason you can't send your cards out by these deadlines, please let me know. This way if I'm asked by your person, I can let them know that it's coming, just late. I cannot give a specific date for the deadline since each person will be different. That's what makes this exchange different from all of the other ones. 

Important information:

If you join the program, you must honor this commitment! The biggest problem I run into with my card programs is people dropping out without notifying me. This has to stop. I know that a card doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is. And when someone is looking forward to receiving one, especially an angel mother on her angels birthday, and then they don't get one, it's very disappointing! Especially when they have sent their cards out, on time. Our angels birthdays/angel dates are VERY important to us!! Anyone reading this knows that! We don't have our babies here to throw a party for, to see the excitement on their faces as they rip open their presents. We honor them the best way we know how. So, please, this is VERY important! 

I will also be sending out a card for every angel whose mother signs up. I make my cards because it's much more personal that way. And besides, with me sending one out, at least you will get at least one card. 

If you need to drop out:

I understand that life happens, often times unexpectedly. If something comes up & you need to opt out, please notify me! This is the number one most important rule! Please understand that by telling me, I can give your name(s) to someone else. You don't have to tell me why, you just simply inbox me on the fan page, and say I need to drop out. That's it. 

HOWEVER, if you drop out AFTER the deadline to have the cards sent out by, even if you tell me, you will be banned from any future programs. I say this because if something happens AFTER the deadline, it wouldn't affect the program had you sent the cards out on time in the first place. If you drop out WITHOUT notifying me, you will be banned from any future programs I have. And I take this VERY seriously! 

If you know, from the start, that you won't be able to purchase or make birthday cards & purchase stamps, please don't sign up. This puts me in a very tough position. I'm the one that has to attend to the hurt feelings of the ones that didn't receive a card. Don't take on more than you can handle. You & your family always comes FIRST! If you're not financially able to do the program, don't join. There will be other exchanges in the future & you can always join one of them. If you need to drop out, notify me as soon as possible!!

Angels with two special dates:

Some of the angels will have two dates. Depending on whether or not the baby was stillborn or was born alive & passed away on another date for other reasons. If the mother so chooses, we will honor both dates, one as a birthday & one as an angel date. We will honor the birthday & the angel date. If you receive an angels name that has two dates, you will honor the date that matches the month at that time. 

This is a new card exchange:

I am still working out the kinks in the program. I've never done an exchange that is continuous without an end like this one. I will update everyone on any changes that occur. Right now, I will give each person that signs up every name for the month of July. Which right now is only two people. So, if you cannot purchase two stamps and purchase or make two cards, please don't join. 

Fan page address on Facebook:

Please refer to the fan page for updates & posts. If you haven't already, please go over & like the page. Also, when you receive your cards, please feel free to send me a photo & I'll upload it to the page as a thank you to the person that sent it. The address to the Facebook page is: 

www.facebook.com/HolidayCardExchange

In closing:

I hope that everyone that joins finds comfort in the program. I hope it helps you in your grief in some way! I look forward to the start of the program!

Much Love to you all!!
Toni

Painful Gain

This blog entry is a bit different then any other one. 

I'm sitting here listening to a thunderstorm raging outside. Each time I see the Lightning flash outside my window, I wait for the loud thunder clap that's sure to follow. So loud that it rattles the photos on the wall in the tiny, shitty home that I live in, makes the lights blink. And there it was. As loud as it gets, the rain falls harder, making it sound like the roof will cave in at any moment. And I love it. I love a good, loud thunderstorm. Maybe because it emulates what goes on inside my head. If you follow me on Instagram or are my friend on Facebook, you've probably noticed that I've gotten quite a few tattoos in the past 3 months & one supposedly painful piercing. All this is, is a coping mechanism. A way to cope with the mental pain I feel everyday of my life. See, mental pain, to me is worse then physical pain. Physical pain can be eased with pain medication & a number of other ways. Mental pain, well that's a different story. I know what you're thinking, mental pain can be eased as well with antidepressants & anxiety medications. But if you've ever been clinically depressed- I'm not talking about a little sadness because life isn't going your way-you'll know what I mean. I'm talking about not having the will to go on because you feel like the world is caving in on you. You feel life you're suffocating & have to literally tell yourself to breathe, otherwise you'll stop. I'm talking about sitting around crying & unable to find joy in anything that you do. Things that used to matter no longer do. At some point in everyone's life, life will not be in your favor. But when everything you do is blindsided by the complete opposite of what you're trying to achieve, some people will be crushed by it & feel they can't go on. That's me. Except I HAVE to go on. There's no other option. So, I handle my mental pain in a very physical way. And until lately, I told myself I just love tattoos, I love this brilliant art form. That's why I keep doing this. But why lie to myself? If I can't tell the truth to anyone else, at least I can tell it to myself. I do it because I LOVE the pain!! There, I said it! I love the pain because for 30 minutes or an hour or however long it takes the artist to tattoo me, that's 30 minutes or an hour that I can escape from my horrible mental pain. It's another type of pain that I can focus on & release myself from my own head. Because, let me tell you, my head is not a great place to be these days!! This pain leads into my everyday life & my personal relationships. People I love are affected by my mental pain because the ONLY way I know how to ease it is to be evil. I'm just plain mean. And I hate it. That's not me. Not at all. 

As I listen to this storm roll on, I realize that even a thunderstorm ends. The flashing lightning, loud thunder & torrential rain start to ease, I think to myself, "maybe my mental anguish will begin to taper off like this storm is doing." But as soon as you think the storm is over, it picks back up. The rain begins to fall harder & harder; the Lightning begins to flash so bright it lights up the room; the thunder rumbles so hard it literally Knicks the photos off of the wall. Just like my mental pain. I'll think it's tapering off, but here it comes, right back to torture me more. So what do I do? I find a cool new tattoo to go waste my fucking money on just to get release from my own head. I feel like there's another person inside my head screaming to the top of their lungs!! And for no other reason then to piss me the fuck off!! Somedays I'm fine but most days I'm FUCKED. And I cannot stand it anymore!! The pain I feel is unbearable. And it's been this way since Doug died. Not as bad as lately but since he passed away, part of myself is missing & I have no fucking idea how to get it back. Or if I even can get it back. If you've never found someone you love dead, you have no idea how I feel. And I'm not talking about watching someone die from cancer or some other disease. That's expected death. (Although I have seen this too & even if it's expected, it's still a shock). But when someone has consumed you for a solid year & you wake up to find them dead on your couch, it fucking changes you. It changes every single thing about you & you are no longer the person you were before. I thought I would come out on the other side a wiser person but the complete opposite happened. I no longer care. About anything. What's the point? Why love anyone because you're setting yourself up to get hurt. I could fall in love again tomorrow, marry him & still end up burying him someday. Doug was hard enough. It was harder because I fucking knew that was going to be his fate. I knew from the moment I met him that he wouldn't live to see 30 & I told him so everyday. That makes it worse. If only he'd listened to my begging & pleading every single day. I remember sleeping next to him one night & waking up & hearing a strange noise coming from him. I panicked, jumped up & checked to make sure he was breathing. That time I got lucky; we got lucky. But after I figured out he was alive, I sat on the couch, starring at him & cried. I cried because I thought 'this is what it would feel like if I woke up & found him dead'. Close call. No one knew what that was like. NO ONE. No one knew the struggle I went through with him everyday of our lives. Yet I got blamed for his death. Let me tell you fucktards something: IT WAS NOT MY FAULT THAT A 27 YEAR OLD MAN CHOSE TO DRINK HIS FUCKING LIFE AWAY!! Your begging & pleading yielded no results just as mine did so how in the fuck is it my fault?!?! God, jealousy, envy & GUILT can really do a number on a person, apparently! Jealous & envious that I was with him, that I know how he spent the last year of his life. Guilt- well I think we all know where the guilt lies. Guilty because YOU DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO HELP HIM!! IN A YEAR NOT ONE PHONE CALL, TEXT MESSAGE, EMAIL. NOTHING!!! Instead, you sat TWO states away judging me & how I handled things. No one knew how he was if I told him no. And I DID tell him no!! Every fucking day!! But 'no' resulted in a tantrum fit- tearing my stuff up, knocking over tables, taking my keys, money & medicine. Once, after I hid his liquor, he took about 100 DVD's & threw them out in the rain. That is what happened if I told him no. So, fuck all of you who blame me & say I didn't try & help him because I fucking did!! I'd give my left & right ovary to have him back! I'd give ANYTHING to have him back!! So fuck all of you & your irrational, idiotic & just plain stupid ideas about mine & Doug's relationship. I'm so sorry to tell you but Doug was NO LONGER a 17 year old kid. I knew Doug, none of you knew him. Not anymore. Not the Doug he was when he died. As much as you wanted the 17-18 year old version back, he would've never been that way again; even if he had of stopped drinking. Addiction changes you, in every way! You're just too stupid or ignorant or both, to understand that! 

Enough about that. Point is my mental pain is tearing away at me a little more everyday. I am broken. I am miserable. I am tired. And I'm running out of the will to live. So, I'm making a change. This pain I feel needs to move on. It's been 16 months since Doug passed away. I've lived without him for longer then I knew him. Why is this so fucking hard to do?! It's because he consumed me. Chewed me up & spit me out on his way out of this world & into the next. You know, I've been told that on the Other Side, we choose our lives with our Spirit Guides. That we choose every person we will ever meet, we choose our parents, our life paths, every heartbreaking event, we choose before we're ever born. I just cannot imagine that I chose this life for myself all so I could take life lessons over to the Other Side. And that Doug chose his life to live as a raging alcoholic & die at 27 years old & die on his fiancé's couch & have his fiancé & her young children find him dead. Very hard to believe! 

Fuck you, 'Other Side Toni'.... 

Ghosts: My Paranormal Investigation Experience

For those of you that know me personally & have been in my home, you know that it is very weird here! You hear noises, my trailer shaking for no reason & so on. And you've also heard all of my stories about my home. 

It starts in the winter of 2010. When the leaves fell from the trees, I noticed a tiny graveyard across the street. Hidden by the trees, this graveyard had about 10 graves in it & out of the 10, about 5 of them were children. After the discovery of the graveyard, things became weird in my home. Skimming through it, we heard the sound of a ball bouncing, felt the trailer shake as if the kids were jumping on the bed when they weren't, one of my photos hanging on the wall would levitate to the floor, sugar canister disappeared & was found 2 weeks later in my bedroom closet wrapped in a baby blanket, footsteps up & down the hall, oh & lets not forget the ghost of a little boy in the hallway in front of my bedroom door!! 

Fast forward 5 years to 2015, my beautiful fiancé passed away in my trailer on my couch. Ever since then, I've never felt alone. I've felt like he's been with me since he passed away. I relentlessly searched online looking for reasons a spirit would linger after death. The main two reasons were if it was an unexpected death or if the someone left behind was grieving! And both of those reasons applies to me. 

Back in January, I began searching for paranormal investigators in my area. I came across a man named Brian & I emailed him. His site said he & his team do the investigation for free. So I decided to take a chance & email him. I mean the worst that could happen was he not answer me. In the first email I sent him, I told him a little about my trailer; the past ghostly happenings. About how my mom seen a little boy in our hallway, right in front of my bedroom door. We would hear balls bouncing in my room, the bed moving as if someone was jumping on it, the sugar canister disappeared one time & I found it 2 weeks later, in my closet, wrapped in a baby blanket, stuff disappeared from my house never to be found again, the white light that floats outside of my bedroom window, the footsteps up & down my hallway, lights turning on by themselves, the photo of my kids that would drift away from the wall & slowly float down to the floor; I could go on & on! I also told him that my fiancé had passed away in my trailer as well. And ever since he passed away, things have gotten interesting once again. My cigarettes disappear & I do not find them, ever. Doug hated that I smoked & bitched at me incessantly about it! Since he passed away, SIX packs of cigarettes have vanished overnight! I constantly see something moving in my kitchen at night around the chair he used to sit in & drink at my kitchen table. Doug would make me stay awake with him at night when he'd drink. And some nights I cannot sleep because every time I dose off I'm woken up by something! I feel like it's him waking me up as he used to do. I've never felt alone since he died. I feel him. I feel him here with me. It's hard to explain that feeling. Doug was ALWAYS with me, everywhere I went, he went. And I still feel like he's with me. Anyway, I didn't go into too many details with Brian during our email exchanges. 

We chatted back & forth for five months. Until last Thursday he said he wanted to come on Saturday night to do the investigation. Excitement filled my entire body!! He told me he'd bring his fiancé, a medium named Nena & another guy named Brian. He told me not to burn candles or encents, and needed to know where my breaker box was. He said these things sometimes interfere with Nena's concentration. They arrived Saturday night at 8pm. First Brian & his fiancé arrived & he had me take down all of my photos of Doug. Nena doesn't like to know anything about the place she's going to or the people that live there. This is done so what she sees will be real. She didn't even know my address until they were on the way here. So I took down all my photos & hid them. And Nena arrived 10 minutes later. Brian began setting up his equipment in my kitchen while I chatted with Nena & Donna (Brian's fiancé). He sat up a Kinect, the thingy that you can buy for an Xbox 360. He explained that the Kinect would pick up any movement in my living room. When you stand in front of it, it forms a sorta stick man on your body as you move. After he explained everything to me, we got quiet so Nena could do her walk through. Donna followed behind her with a video camera recording her. She said there was a lot of energy pulling her towards the back of my trailer, to my kids room. When she came back up the hall, she asked me if anyone had ever died in that bedroom; I told her not that I knew of but this trailer has been here for years so it's quite possible. She told me she sensed an old man, with sideburns way down his face, that slumped over when he walks. She asked Kenadi if she ever felt anyone touching her in her sleep because this man told her he would do that trying to get help. As if he's stuck here & can't leave. After this, me & my mom were chatting with Donna & Nena was standing at the end of my couch. My couch sits against the wall that Doug died up against. I looked over at her & her face was pale, her eyes were blackened, her knees were buckled, her arms were blue where so many veins were sticking out! She said, "I can't stand here! I've got to move because I'm sick to my stomach! This energy is strong!" At that time, Brian asked me where my breaker box was because sometimes it will interfere & that will be what she's feeling. I showed him my breaker box is in my kids bedroom & he said "what she felt was real! The box is too far away from her!" She told us that it literally hurt her when that happened. When she snapped out of it, she turned & looked at me & said, "he was a drinker, a heavy drinker!" I lost it. I turned my head in tears as she explained to me that a man was contacting her, a man with a distinguished face with high cheekbones, a face that's rare but beautiful, a man with dirty blonde hair that scrunched as if it has moose in it, a man that was sick in this life, then she stopped all of a sudden & said "he's telling me to come back here he wants to show me something." So she & Donna went down the hall & a few minutes later she came back & said to me, "he used to hide bottles in that back bedroom." Oh my fucking GOD, how did she know that?!?! That's something I did not tell Brian & at this point Nena knew nothing about me or my house!! See, when Doug & I first started dating, we slept in my kids room with them, when he'd finish a bottle, he'd put it underneath the kids bed, and in between drinks he'd slide it under the bed. She had me with that one sentence!! She sat down against the wall he died against & began explaining him according to his emotions. She said, "he was very emotional; up & down up & down, he was bipolar, but wasn't diagnosed, everything was everyone else's fault, he had a rough childhood, without his real father, and his mother wasn't the best mother, he didn't know how to love, really love, because he didn't get that love from his mother, he was estranged from his family, he's mad, he's very upset, he loved me the best way he knew how to love, he wanted acceptance, he wanted to be wanted by those around him, he's so mad it's physically hurting me. She stood up with that blank look on her face & said "he hates someone in here; he hates one of you! She looked at my mom, pointed & said, "it's you! He hates you! I'm fighting every urge in my body to call you a fucking bitch right now! You used to go nose to nose with him arguing!" She got right up to my mamas face with their noses touching & said, "he used to get this close to you & you to him." Another thing she couldn't possible have known. When Doug passed away, he & my mom were on great terms! This surprised both of us. Doug & my mom hated each other in the beginning & had several arguments nose to nose! She said that this was part of his emotions going up & down & that anything he says could've happened at any point in his life. So it may not be that he hates her now but that he hated her at some point. And he did, in the beginning. When she said this, my mom told her about a few of those arguments. While they were talking, out of view of the Kinect, I went in the kitchen & looked at the computer screen, and OMG there it was, a stick figure in front of my tv going CRAZY!! No one was even in my living room!! This figure also stood on my couch at one point as well. Brian said when he first set up his computer, he seen a figure standing in front of my tv. You couldn't see a person, just the stick figure that the Kinect makes on a person. After this, my mom asked Nena if she knew his name. We still hadn't told her anything other then the stories about he & mama fighting. We never said his name, only referred to him as 'him'. She started concentrating and said "I'm getting Douglas. Douglas Willey, no not Willey, Williams. Douglas Williams, Jr." OMFG again!!!!! How did she know this?!?! HOW!!! This women was absolutely AMAZING! I asked her if he knew he was dead? She said, "he knows he's dead but he won't accept it; he's seen the light but he won't go into it. He's staying here because of things left unsaid, your grief (she pointed at me) is also keeping him here. His anger towards his family, his anger at himself for dying. He knows it was his fault that he died. He has no one on the other side so he's just roaming by himself." She told us that his body had been shutting down for years. She told me to imagine a circuit board with switches on it & going down it & turning one switch off at a time. That's was how his body was. She said he slowly committed suicide. He drank himself to death over several years. After she told us that a little later on, Nena was standing in my doorway coming into my trailer, she said he's right behind me. The entire time she said she was just waiting for him to run up on her and hit her! She said she just knew he was going to run through her. When we would be talking about him, that's when he would get the maddest. When she was standing in the doorway she got that blank look on her face & turned to me & said, "Do you have a boyfriend? (I said no). She said wait, you had a man here & he does not like it at all!!" That was true. I am seeing someone & he was there a few days before Nena came!! After all of this was over, we sat down with Nena & told her everything about Doug. She told me again that he was here because of my grief for him. She told me that although his physical body is gone, his spiritual body was here & that it's still sick. She said she believes there are places that he can go to get better. But she said in order for him to go, I had to tell him too. She said he won't listen to anyone else. I told her I'm not letting him go; I'm not telling him to go! No, no fucking way!! I'm selfish & I'm sorry but if he's here, he is staying here! He made me miserable most of our 11 months together. I loved him more then my own life; and I still do, but Doug drove me utterly insane with his alcoholism! It was constantly a roller coaster of up & downs; fight after fight, many MANY tears shed during our tumultuous relationship & many shed after his death. I missed him so bad after he died that I physically hurt because of it! There were many days that I had to remind myself to breathe! Just breathe! And there are still days that I have to remind myself to breathe nearly 15 months later. Anyway, she explained to me that he would come back after he got better, as if that was a way to make me tell him it was ok to go if I knew he was coming back. So, she asked me if I would give him permission to go. She took me to my kids bedroom & sat me on the bed and told me to visualize that I'm with him; she said hold his hand & give him permission to get better. I had tears rolling down my face as I sat there imagining myself standing next to him, holding his precious hand & telling him to go; I tried. But he resisted. She said he wouldn't go. She said there was a lot of hesitation & resistance. He was stuck on me in life & now in death as well. I felt awful but honestly, I didn't think I could do that part because I don't think I believe in it. I don't think I can visualize that I'm telling him to leave; it just seems stupid & unreal. I know that sounds stupid after everything I've said in this blog but that is different. 

This women knew things she could not have possibly known!! She came into my house oblivious about everything. What got me was her description of him, her saying what she did about him hiding bottles. She could only have known that if she really was talking to Doug!! There were no photos of him anywhere & I didn't send Brian any photos of him nor did I tell him what Doug looked like. She described him to a tee!! It was amazing & overwhelming! The things we seen on the computer screen proved my house has paranormal activity; something I've known since moving here in 2010. I'm so very happy that I decided to do this. It gave me a bit of closure in his death. I don't know if the door will ever fully be closed on mine & Doug's relationship. I don't think so because I still have so many unanswered questions about it. The main one being what he actually passed away from. I shared my life with this man, he died in my home yet I have no idea what happened! He was snatched away from us as if we didn't exist & according to Nena this did not make him happy at all! Which I knew it wouldn't have! He wanted me with him at all times! Of course he would've wanted me at his service! All I heard at the time was "family only" "he would've wanted his family there" "we only wanted it family" family, family FAMILY!! Exactly right, he would've wanted his family there & we ARE his family! I won't go into all of that again but I hope they know that what they did was absolutely WRONG! And Doug is very upset about it. In fact, Nena told me that most of his anger stems from his childhood & how he was treated by his 'mother'. She told me this before she knew anything about Doug other then what she was seeing & hearing from him. After we told her about him, she was blown away by it herself, how dead on she was about him! I'm still blown away, two weeks later! 

I owe Nena everything for coming here & jusifying everything I've been experiencing here since Doug passed away. I'm so very happy that I found them online! And I gave them the opportunity to come here! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get this blog finished but it was a very emotional thing for me to experience & then write about here. Thank you to all of my friends that have been here with me through it all!! I'm very thankful for all of you!! 

Me & my beautiful fiancé!!

Fake angel mom, MANY fake profiles

A few days ago, I decided to post a blog about the newest fake angel mom because she was going around to support pages AND random people telling them I'm bullying/harassing her and asking them to report my page. As she done this stupid thing, the pages/people she was going to were coming to me to find out why I've said she's fake. What a nightmare this bitch has become!! All I did was ban her from my page AFTER letting her stay on my page for TWO WEEKS after finding out about her deceit!! I tried to give her a chance to explain herself, which she refused to do! Wait, I'm sorry, let me rephrase that, she tried to explain herself by telling a story so bogus & just downright strange, that no one in their right mind would believe it!! And when I asked for proof, I was denied & thus the harassment began towards ME not HER!! Because I am not the one going from page to page, person to person, saying I'm being harassed when in fact SHE is the one doing the harassing!! 

Anyway, I'm not getting back into all of that. If this is the first you've heard of all of this, please refer to the blog entry directly below this one. For two days, I woke up to an inbox FULL of messages from the support pages/people she was sending messages to about me. But yesterday & today have been strangely quiet. 

Now I know, her silence was just a front. While all of this was going on, I began getting friend requests on my personal page from strange profiles. Let me just say, unlike April, I am NOT an idiot!! I check the requests I receive before I accept them! I had one that stood out, the name was 'Faith Hill', that of a popular country singer. 

There was a meme set as the profile picture & it just seemed odd. So I clicked on it to check it out. It had all of the classic signs of a fake profile: a profile picture that's not an actual person, only between 20-40 friends, suggesting it's a new page, no photos (which today it has photos), and seemingly random friends that they have zero mutual friends. The most telling sign that I seen at that moment that made me think it was April was the location, Illinois. April lives in Belvidere, Illinois; and this profile was some town in Illinois. So I denied the request & moved on to the next strange profile. Same thing, a Japanese anime girl as the profile picture AND the cover photo, 20-30 friends & from Illinois. Denied. Moved on to the next, a girl named 'Ashley Smith', same profile pic & the cover pic, 20-30 friends & so on. I had 6 requests exactly like that! I knew in my gut that every single one was April or someone making these profiles for her. So I denied every one & moved on. Easy peasy. Well, today I received a message from a fan on my page warning me of a friend request she received from a, (low and behold) Faith Hill!!

So, I knew then that my gut was correct; this IS none other then April Severson! Check out just a few of the posts on this page:

Of course a post asking people to come report my page!! And of course it's 'Liked' by LA Severson which is April!!! 

So, in this blog, I want to inform everyone that April isn't giving up yet. Apparently, now she's going to fans on my page disguised as different people, and sending them friend requests, no doubt to ask them to report me. I want to give a few tips when accepting new friend requests on Facebook. Things that point to a fake & in this case that point to April Severson, Lyle Severson, LA Severson or Lyle And April Severson, or whatever or whoever she is! She may also have what I'm sure are the VERY FEW friends she has doing this for her as well. I know, who has the time or the energy to keep such a charade going?! She going to great lengths to prove I'm being so mean to her. It's like this, I said all I had to say to her then I banned her. What's she's doing now, she's doing to herself! I just want everyone aware that she is creating fake profiles now & harassing my fans! 

Here are a few key things to look at when deciding if a profile is real:

*The name: if it is a weird or a very common name like 'Ashley Smith' or 'Susan Williams', most likely it's fake. (Don't get me wrong, there are probably actual people with these names but this, combined with other factors, could make it a fake profile)

*The number of friends the profile has & if there's no mutual friends: these profiles are brand new and only have a few friends-between 20-50 friends. I'd factor in less then 100 friends. And most of the time it's just random people they've added. 

*The profile picture/cover photo: most of the time, the profile pic & the cover photo will be the same picture. As if it was thrown together very quickly. Or the profile picture will be a meme of some kind. And again, some real people have meme's set as their profile picture, but look at other factors as well. 

*No family/friend photos: the fake profiles usually won't have any family/friend photos. And if they do, they've stolen them from someone else's profile. Look for common people in the photos: photos having the same person or people in at least 10 of them. 

*Posts on the page: if they haven't posted anything on the page, it's fake. If there's no tagged posts from friends or family, it's most likely fake. Because they're not real to have anyone tag them in anything. 

*If there is a particular fake (as in this situation) look for posts about that person: these pages are filled with posts for April, as if the girl on the page is her friend simply defending her. 

*Again, if the fake is someone you've had trouble with, look at the location of the fake profile: April is from/lives in Belvidere, Illinois, USA. Each of these fake profiles claim to live somewhere in Illinois. That's also how I know it's her doing this! 

If anyone that fits this description sends you a friend request, please deny it!! I do know April is using Ashley Smith, Faith Hill, and one with a Japanese anime girl as the profile picture and the cover photo. On the same day as these requests were sent to me, 3 others were also. I know it was April. She's not fooling anyone!! Please be on the lookout for friend requests from odd profiles; especially if you view the profile & it meets everything above AND the person is posting constantly for April Severson, in her defense, as the 'Faith Hill' profile is doing. Everything they post has to do with April! There is also a photo of a baby girl playing with Christmas lights & someone commented underneath it calling April out & 'Faith' comments back that she doesn't know an April, yet on the page she's only posting stuff in April's defense. It's quite pathetic, REALLY!! This girl is slandering my page AND me & I'm quite sick of it!! And to make things worse, now she's making fake profiles to stalk my fans as well & trying to get me to add her to my personal page after I've blocked her & her husband! I know that I said I wasn't going to post about this anymore but I need everyone to make sure they steer clear of this crazy girl!! One of the admins of one of the pages she sent a message to about me decided she would try & get April to talk to her, and act as if she's on April's side. Well, April told her the same idiotic story that she's told everyone. I even told the admin the story word for word, which I was exactly right about what she was going to say! So I told the admin, "ask her for proof of what she's saying to you; ask her for proof that she was even pregnant!" So she did & April immediately started calling her a bully as well!! And I'm sorry but once you've been called a fake & so many people know you're a fake, you can't come back from that; you can't convince anyone you're telling the truth, not without proof of what you're saying! She thinks people are going to just take her word at face value. (Being angel parents does NOT make us stupid. It doesn't shred us of our common sense!) She goes straight to 'she's being harassed/bullied' when asked for proof because SHE CANNOT PROVIDE PROOF OF A LIE!! And she also says she doesn't owe anyone an explanation. I'm sorry but YES YOU DO!! She owes  thousands of angel mothers an explanation because not one of them wants to risk their angels photos or stories to be stolen by her!! That is why she's been banned from my page! She continues to come to my page everyday stalking & trolling it; she continues to carry this on for the attention, therefore she's bringing everything on herself! When you get banned from a page, you are no longer welcome there! She needs to get that through her head!! Stop sharing my page on yours saying I'm a bully when I'm NOT!! Banning her from my page does NOT make me a bully! And it's quite the OPPOSITE of harassment!! Which that's not my concern right now nor will it ever be again, because all of those messages she sent helped me spread the word about her!! No, my concern is her now moving on to my fans! 

In closing, I'd like to apologize to all of my fans for this nonsense! Please take the proper steps to prevent her from victimizing any of you! You can do this by watermarking any photos you post of your angel and watching the people that send you friend requests on Facebook. She's already sent friend requests to several of my fans but once they look at the page requesting, they know it's her from the page posts. Because it's all about April, every single post is about April & losing a baby. I think she may be targeting the ladies that sent her messages in my defense. I had no idea anyone had sent her messages, if anyone actually did do it! Who knows, it may just be another 'April lie'. She has it out for me, big time, for banning her from my page. I'm telling you this because she knows everyone now knows her name & knows her as a fake. So now she's trying the fake profiles & if you accept the request & you have your angels photo(s) on your Facebook page, they could fall into her hands. And trust me when I say, those are NOT the hands you want them in!! I don't think she's done, not by a long shot! Again, please share this blog & get this warning out to other angel Mother's! Help me prevent this from happening again. I've reported the 'Faith Hill' profile as a fake profile, along with the post about my page! I want to encourage all of you to do the same. She's trying to harass all of you so you'll somehow blame me & leave my page. I knew April was sick in the head but I had no idea she was this bad & would take this to this level!! So, again, I'm so very sorry about this, everyone!! Hopefully this will all blow over soon! I thought it was anyway until I seen what she's doing now. Thank you everyone!! ❤️Toni 

If you can read this, try & zoom in & read the comments! It's crazy!! Sorry it's blurry! I tried to go to the profile & screenshot it but I wasn't able to click on the photos. This is from the Faith Hill profile! 

For any questions or concerns, please feel free to send me a message on my page at www.facebook.com/SupportForMothersOfAngels

LA Severson, Lyle and April Severson, April Severson

I am having a HUGE issue on my support page right now & I've decided instead of posting one long continuous status to tell the complete story, I'd just write a blog with everything everyone needs to know. Any individual or support page that wants proof April is in fact a fake, please continue reading this blog! I think you will find that I can MORE than prove it!! 

The story begins several months ago when a girl with a Facebook page entitled 'LA Severson' joined my support page: Stillbirth And Pregnancy Loss Awareness.  I had no issues from her; in fact she was a fairly decent fan! She was on all of my pages, including my card exchange page. She joined my Christmas Card Exchange Program & I actually sent her a card with an ornament I made for her. I had no issues with her! I thought she was a good person…

Fast forward to April 22, 2016, just over two weeks ago. I received a message from a fan on my page named Laura. I've included a screenshot of that message. 

After I received this message, I decided to inbox April & ask her about this allegation. That message is below:

In the meantime, I wrote a status on my stillbirth page warning my fans of the situation; I never mentioned April by name, only said there's word of another fake angel mom that has stolen another Mother's angels photos & claimed them as her own. I told my fans to please watermark any photos that they share on Facebook & if they didn't know how to do it, to send them to me privately & I would do it for them. During all of this, April replied to my message:

'Ma'am I have explained to everyone what is going I am very heartbroken. This has gone on for 5 days now. I have been getting really disturbing name calling and threatening messages from many many people and sense day 1 I explained everything. And it still don't stop I feel totally bullied in this and I miss my baby so much as it is and I have tried to stay strong so my hubby and I can try in see if we get a second chance our rainbow baby. Riley will always always be our baby and my hubby and I have had so many regrets from the day we lost our Riley in August. Our baby was 17 weeks we tried for that baby for 9 very long and stressful year in and out of doctors trying ivf and then we were told the worst news someone who would give anything to have a family could ever hear. We were told that we would never be able to have children but then 9 years later and not even 2 months after our wedding day we found the best news ever in our entire lives that we were PREGNANT!!!! We lost our baby at 17 weeks 😞 when we lost our baby the whole time giving birth and everything I was so heartbroken I balled the whole time and hid my face under my gown. We choose not to see our baby and have the baby cremated and put in an angel garden. We regret that day so much. Well a few months back we received a letter and photos in the mail. They were suppose to be photos of "our baby" as bearaved parents we believed it and were so happy we finally knew. It also helped me cope a lot. We have never been through this before so we didn't question it. We had a tough pregnancy and my hubbys family were pretty cruel when I was pregnant. One of his family members whiched our baby would die. Well 4 days ago our world was turned upside down Again. Thats when we found out some heartless person played this sick joke on us. I am so heartbroken 😢" (instead of adding more screenshots, I just copy & pasted this message)

Ok, there's is so very much wrong with her story!! First of all, ANYONE with common sense will know no hospital in this world will randomly send out a package to someone, especially not one with a baby's photos that has passed away! You have to give written consent AND a photo ID to receive the pictures; and pick them up in person! Also, if she chose not to see her angel, the hospital isn't going to take pictures for you 'in case' you change your mind! She claimed she contacted the hospital only AFTER Laura told her the baby's photos were hers & that the hospital told her they did not send the package. So, when I read this bogus story, I asked to see proof of the so called letter she received as did Laura; we both were denied proof for first one reason then another! April claimed the hospital had the 'package' she received because it's under investigation. That's wrong too. IF this was to really happen, the hospital wouldn't have the package, the POLICE would!! I was told it wasn't my business & my support page wasn't supportive of her & I was turning my back on a grieving mother. Now, let me clarify something: at first, I didn't question whether she'd lost a baby; I questioned her story as to how she ended up with photos that didn't belong to her! And I'm sorry but no one with a shred of common sense would believe that story! Anyway, I spent the next 2-3 days arguing back & forth with April, her husband & April's mother. The ONLY two people that came to her defense was her mother & husband! I decided at this time to allow April to stay on my pages until this was sorted out; with the promise that she would keep me updated on the situation. I was not updated, only told lie after lie! So, in the meantime, I began my own investigation. April told me that she thought her in laws sent her the 'package' as a cruel joke because they hate her. So I decided to message the women April was blaming everything on. And boy did I learn A LOT!! 

I was told that not only was April never even pregnant, but that she cannot get pregnant due to thyroid issues!! April sent me another message after I said to her 'if you have found out your husbands cousin done this for sure, you should have proof now, show me proof.' In her next message, she told me the same story, that the hospital has the evidence & that she did not owe me an explanation & that it was between her & Laura. So, I decided it was time to ban her. This was yesterday, May 9, 2016, nearly 3 weeks after the initial message I received warning me about April! I sent April a message telling her I was banning her & why. Laura sent me photos of her angel, Finley, and the photos April was using as Riley & they were identical. I'm not going to share them here, on my public blog & risk Laura's photos being stolen again, but they were identical!! I had plenty of proof that April was lying but none that she was telling the truth or even telling a piece of the truth! So, I made the decision to ban her as to protect the thousands of angel Mother's on my page. And a wise decision that was!! When I woke up today, I had an inbox message from a friend that owns another support page & she told me that April had sent her page a message about me:

Apparently, April is now messaging every support page on Facebook with this same message. When I told her I was banning her, I told her my best advice to her was to leave all support pages because I would see to it that they know the truth about her & what she's doing. So she took it upon herself to try & be ahead of me & message them herself! But all she's done is made herself look suspicious! If I had received that message from her, the very FIRST thing I would do is go to the person she says is harassing her & see why they think she's a fake! And that's exactly what the owners of these pages she's messaging are doing! And I CAN provide proof of what I'm saying! April cannot! Because let me tell you, no one is going to just make that up about someone! When I hear about a fake, I give the person a chance to explain themselves first, before banning them! Because I know people do evil things out of spite all the time. But if the story does not add up to me, and April's does not add up, I make the best decision for my fans sake & for my page & ban them. If someone is being called a fake, THERE IS A REASON FOR IT!!! She's leaving out the fact that I let her stay on my page for nearly 3 weeks AFTER finding out about her! And only banned her after she wouldn't tell me the truth! She's saying I've 'harassed' her for over a month! How is that possible when I've only known about it since April 22nd & today is May 10th?!?! And I'm sorry but banning someone for stealing an angels photos IS NOT HARASSMENT!!! Taking up for a fellow angel mother IS NOT HARASSMENT!!! And furthermore, I DO have the right to ask for proof since I spend my VERY VALUABLE TIME on graphics for this girl, I've sent her cards on holidays & ornaments! I've done my fair share of supporting April; until I was blatantly lied to!! I don't play that crap!! Also, she did NOT block me! I banned her husband & mother the day it happened. And when they could no longer message me on my pages, they searched me on Facebook & found my personal page & her husband, Lyle, sent me a message! After this, I blocked her & him from my personal page!! I done the blocking AND banning, not them!! I am the one being harassed, not them!! Sending support pages slandering messages about me is harassment!! I'm not the one doing that, THEY ARE!! That is harassment!! If this was being said about me, I would be showing every piece of proof I have, if I was being accused of stealing someone's photos I would prove I did not do it! April is refusing because she HAS NO PROOF BECAUSE SHE IS LYING!!  To make it worse, more people have come forward saying she also stole their photos as well!! So this is not the first time she's done this before! Between she & her husband, I found FOUR profiles for them on Facebook. That's not including the ones under aliases. This girl is absolutely INSANE! If you come in contact with her, please do yourself a HUGE favor & don't walk but RUN away from her!! 

So, April, keep digging your hole! But remember, each message you send these pages is another slander charge I can press against you! You are only making yourself look crazy & suspicious! These ladies you are messaging are coming to me for the story & I tell the truth & provide PROOF of what I'm saying! You cannot provide proof that you're telling the truth! Because you are not telling the truth! Face it, you're done! Sending these pages messages will not change the fact that you stole another angel Mother's photos! Slandering my good name will not change it either. No amount of messages will make your pathetic story true. You are NOT an angel mother. You are not a grieving mother getting her feelings hurt! LAURA IS!! Laura, the one that was stolen from, she is the victim here, not you!! You are harassing ME! Me writing this blog is a way of defending myself & proving that you're lying! It's my job to support angel parents & you are not an angel parent! And you can bet your ass that I will continue to help Laura in ANY WAY THAT I CAN!! It's my job as the supporter to back up those wronged! I wouldn't be a good admin or person if I didn't warn others! That is not harassment! Not in any way!! There have been many fakes before April & unfortunately she won't be the last one! And they're all the same! The same lies. The same 'woe is me' stories! I gave her ample opportunity to prove me wrong & with each passing day she just proved me RIGHT! And she continues to do so with every message she sends out. I have thousands of beautifully, AMAZING women behind me & when this is all over I will still be standing! April will not! I'm currently working on my own slander charges against her! I want to thank all of the ladies that sent me screenshots of the message she's sending everyone! This is my proof of what she is doing! I don't know why she thought that no one would tell me what she's doing! 

So, I needed to clear my name & that's why I've written this blog about April Severson. Please feel free to inbox me on my Facebook page if anyone has ANY questions at all!! I do have more proof but it would've been an extra long blog so I only included the 'to the point' proof. I have hateful messages her husband sent me calling Laura selfish for telling me about this. I have more messages from the husbands cousin that knows them well as she's family. And last but not least, I will include a flier that's been posted at April's local hospital warning others about her. So, please don't hesitate to message me if you want more information & if you admin a page she has messaged about me! I want to thank all of my wonderful fans for sticking by me & taking up for me!! I'd be lost without you all!! Let this be a warning to anyone that tries to screw over an angel mother: you will have an army after you because we stick together!! Please take a moment & share this blog, especially if you own/admin a support page! I strongly recommend banning her immediately before she can steal from anyone else!! 

The flier that is posted in April's local hospital. 

Rules for the Mother's Day Card Exchange

Hello! Welcome to the SBAPLA Mother's Day Card Exchange Program! Mother's Day is on Sunday, May 8, 2016. Mother's Day is on a different day in the UK. But since I live in the USA, the program will be done on the USA Mother's Day. Please read this blog for the rules and important information regarding the program. Such as deadlines & how the program works.

How the program works:

Each person that signs up will be required to purchase OR make two Mother's Day greeting cards. NO GIFT IS REQUIRED! You will receive two names & addresses chosen for you by me. You will send the two greeting cards to the two names sent to you. That's it. It's pretty simple.

Postage and card prices:

If you are within the USA, and the names you have are also inside the USA, the cost of postage is 49¢ per stamp. So, altogether (postage only) will be 98¢ for two stamps. If you have one person outside of the USA, the cost is either 3 stamps for one card, or if you take it to the post office, you pay $1.10. It's easier just to put 3 stamps on it. If you are in the UK, please contact your local post office or mailing service to check postage prices. I don't want to give the wrong info. But someone told me that the cost to send a card to the USA was £1.25. But, like I said, please check to make sure. In the USA, if you choose to purchase the cards, they can be bought very cheap. Dollar General & Family Dollar store sell the cards for as little as 50¢-$2.00. 

Deadlines:

*If you are in the USA, and the person you have is outside the USA, your card to them can go out anytime before our Mother's Day, which is Sunday, May 8, 2016. Uk's Mother's Day is different but we still want the cards there by our Mother's Day.

*If you live within the USA and the person/people you have are also within the USA, you are to have the cards mailed out by Wednesday, May 4, 2016. This is to ensure that the card gets to them by Mother's Day, NOT after. 

*If you live in the UK and you have someone in the USA, which most of you will because not many people from the UK signed up, you'll need to have your cards mailed out no later then Thursday, April 28, 2016. 

If for some reason you can't send your cards out by these deadlines, please let me know. This way if I'm asked by your person, I can let them know that it's coming, just late. 

Important information:

If you join the program, you must honor this commitment! The biggest problem I run into with my card programs is people dropping out without notifying me. This has to stop. I know that a card doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is. And when someone is looking forward to receiving one, especially an angel mother on Mother's Day, and then they don't get one, it's very disappointing! Especially when they have sent their cards out, on time. Mother's Day is an important holiday for angel mothers. In a world that would rather us not speak about our angels, it's hard for us to be recognized as a mother, unless we have living children. And that's not fair!! So, when we are recognized by someone as being a mother, it's very satisfying. I had one Mother's Day in between my angels & my first living baby & it was very hard! I WAS a mother, even if my baby wasn't with me! So, please, this is VERY important! 

I wish that I could send everyone that joins a card, but I cannot do that. So, I depend on all of you that sign up to do what you agreed to do. 

If you need to drop out:

I understand that life happens, often times unexpectedly. If something comes up & you need to do out, please notify me! This is the number one most important rule! Please understand that by telling me, I can give your names to someone else or I can pick them up myself. You don't have to tell me why, you just simply inbox me on the fan page, and say I need to drop out. That's it. 

HOWEVER, if you drop out AFTER the deadline to have the cards sent out by, even if you tell me, you will be banned from any future programs. I say this because if something happens AFTER the deadline, it wouldn't affect the program had you sent the cards out on time in the first place. If you drop out WITHOUT notifying me, you will be banned from any future programs I have. And I take this VERY seriously! 

If you know, from the start, that you won't be able to purchase or make two greeting cards & purchase two stamps, please don't sign up. This puts me in a very tough position. I'm the one that has to attend to the hurt feelings of the ones that didn't receive a card. Don't take on more than you can handle. You & your family always comes FIRST! If you're not financially able to do the program, don't join. There will be other exchanges in the future & you can always join one of them. If you need to drop out, notify me as soon as possible!!

Fan page address on Facebook:

Please refer to the fan page for updates & posts. If you haven't already, please go over & like the page. Also, when you receive your cards, please feel free to send me a photo & I'll upload it to the page as a thank you to the person that sent it. The address to the Facebook page is: 

www.facebook.com/HolidayCardExchange. 

In closing:

I hope that everyone that joins finds comfort in the program. I hope it helps you in your grief in some way! I look forward to the start of the program!

Much Love to you all!!
Toni

Reflections: One Year Later

Today marks one full year since my beautiful fiancé was ripped from my life, while we slept. One full year since he's told me 'I love you, baby'. Or felt his kiss on my lips. One full year since I last felt complete; mind, body & soul. 

Here starts the rant......

I got on Facebook to post a photo & talk a little about how bad he is missed & how much he is still loved when I seen something that has truly pissed me the fuck off!! Of course some of his family members, most notably his sister, Latosha, had posted a thing of her own. In this post, she talked about missing him & how much she loved him, which is all fine & dandy, whatever. But on down into the post, she said a few things I'm very pissed about. First and foremost, she said 'one year ago today, I had to identify my brothers body.' THAT is such total & utter BULLSHIT!!! She made the same comment the day he passed away. When she arrived at our house, she was on the phone with her 'mother' and I heard her say, 'mom, I've gotta go. I've gotta identify his body.' Of course, I was way too caught up in my grief to say anything back then. You know, whatever makes her feel better. But now, a year later, she's still saying she had to identify his body & it's time to stop telling that fucking lie! I identified him! ME and ONLY ME. The absolute ONLY reason I was legally obligated to contact her, other then Doug & I not being married, was so she could call a funeral home to release his body to. I was standing there when the officer that was here that day told her that! Before she arrived, I had already given them his full name, birthday, social security number, address, phone number, medical history & any other info they needed to know about him! Not one single word of that was provided by her!! Never once did the officer even say to her, 'is this man your brother?' She was told she did not have to come to our house; all she had to do was call a funeral home to come pick his body up. She could've done that over the fucking phone! When she FINALLY arrived after we'd waited over an hour & a half for her to come, she ASKED if she could look at him, NO ONE told her to look, nor was she told or asked to identify his body! She was told yes she could see him, but not to touch him in any way. I wasn't told not to touch him!! But she was acting so ignorant, threatening to beat my ass, and acting a fucking fool, actually told an officer of the law that it was my fault he died because I bought his alcohol for him!! I mean WHAT THE FUCK, TOSHA?!?! Does she even know how ignorant she sounded AND looked having said that to an officer that knows that's the dumbest thing any human being has ever muttered!! Of course he paid absolutely NO ATTENTION to her saying that. Because any person with a tiny shred of intelligence knows you cannot blame someone's alcoholism on anyone but the alcoholic person! I've said it a million times before & I'll say it again, instead of placing all of the blame on me, take the blame for your own part in him drinking! Ignorant bunch of fools!! 

Don't get me wrong, I didn't have any preconceived notions that today would be easy because I knew someone would post some kind of lie & piss me off! Or some kind of 'we love you so much' bullshit, when none of them bothered to tell him that when he was living! She also said at one point that she never got the chance to tell him how proud she was of him! REALLY?! Because ALL I ever heard was how disappointed you were of him for drinking. Quick to point out the flaws but not commenting on the things he was doing right! Like trying to stop. The reason for him being in the hospital the week before he passed away. He WAS TRYING no matter what any of those judgmental assholes think they know, he was trying.  

Anyway, back to the point. Latosha did NOT have to identify Doug's body!! She viewed his body because she asked if she could!! It may sound petty that I'm so mad about this particular lie. However, I am the one that found him, me & our kids! I had the incredibly hard, painfully excruciating task of calling 911 in sheer panic while my kids stood there looking at Doug's body asking me why he won't wake up. I'm the one that went through the hardest part of the process, or so I thought at the time. And since day ONE, I've been treated as if I were no one to Doug but the girl that bought his fucking alcohol! Like I didn't even know him well enough to tell the officer who he was! I refuse to continue justifying mine & Doug's relationship to a bunch of ignorant fucks that wouldn't know real love if it sat on their faces!! No, what I'm mad about is this bullshit lie that she 'had to' identify his body!! As awful as it was, that moment belongs to me & my kids, no fucking body else!! Just like the last year of his life belongs to us. Unlike everyone else, we stuck by him until the bitter end! They may have ripped him from us after he died out of pure hatred, guilt & spite but I will be damned if they will take away my final moments with him & tell ridiculous lies for no fucking reason but to make themselves look & feel better!! Fuck that & fuck her!!! I don't get to, in his sisters words, pretend that Doug is off somewhere miles away living his life. I don't have that luxury! I found him & I relive that nightmare every single day when I wake up. Every single day! Their nightmare is my reality. It's easy for all of them to move on because they had nothing to do with him when he was living! Outta sight, outta mind, right?! All that 'love' that appeared only after he's gone. I'm sure he would've loved to know just how loved he was by his so-called 'family' while he was alive. I didn't do that though. I was with him everyday. All day.

I've spent the last year missing him & wanting him back, praying I would just wake up from an awful nightmare & he'd still be here. But it never happens. He's gone. Really gone. One year later, that pain is still very real. Though time has eased my suffering, the want, albeit NEED, to have him back never ceases. I can't do anything to bring him back now. But what I can do is call out the lies being told in my own defense & in Doug's defense. He would be so mad about everything that's been done to us. And had I followed HIS wishes, none of them would've been called when he passed away! The week before he died when we were talking about Tosha being so mad at me for not telling her he was in the hospital, he said to me, and I quote, "don't call that bitch if I do die!" The truth will set you free but first it's gonna piss you off!! A year ago, everyone in that horrid family said whatever they could to try & hurt me. But when I say the TRUTH, I get asked, 'how could you say that to a grieving mom? How could you say my brother hated me? How could you? How could you?!' It's easy. I'm telling the truth. Y'all are grasping at straws to try & convince me that Doug didn't really love me or that I'm the one that didn't really know Doug when you didn't know us as a couple. And the one of you that did know us, is just lying to herself! FUCKING PATHETIC!! No, I DO know the real Doug. You know the 18 year old Doug. Not the man he was when he passed away! Alcohol did NOT define him as a person! Dicks!!! 

So, I'll let them carry on lying to themselves about what really happened. And I'll carry on telling the TRUTH! I will spend everyday defending him & us if I have to. This ends, today. I'm sick with grief still a year later. And they carry on as if nothing happened. How nice that must be!! I lived & breathed Doug. He was my entire life. I don't care if it was only for a year! That fact made it any easier to deal with. But the ones that knew him for 27 years are dealing with it better then the ones that only knew him 12 months! In what world is that normal?! Apparently in their world it's acceptable! Like I said, outta sight, outta mind! 

Marily Monroe said it best: They'll only love you after you're gone. 

Just a few of our MANY beautiful memories! Something that no amount of lies will EVER take away!! 

Rules for the Third Annual Valentine's Day Card Exchange

Welcome to the Third Annual SBAPLA Valentine's Day Card Exchange Program! First, before you read any further, if you know you will not be able to purchase or make two Valentine's Day cards & two stamps, please do not join. If you can, please continue reading. Here I will explain how the program works & try & answer your questions.

**What you'll need to do:

To participate, as stated above, you'll need to purchase a minimum of two Valentine's Day cards & two postage stamps (if your names are within the states. If outside the states, you'll purchase six stamps, three for each card). You may ask for more than two names but each person is only required to send out two cards. GIFTS ARE NOT REQUIRED. You may send one but you do not have to. You can also make your cards. Some people find this cheaper, easier & more fun anyway. The addresses will be chosen & provided by me. If you would prefer not to receive religious cards, please specify this when you sign up. If you'd like to stay within your own country, please specify this as well. Please note, I'll try my best to honor that request, but it can't always be done. Especially if you're outside the states because most of the people that sign up are in the states.

**Sign ups & deadlines to have the cards sent out by:

Sign ups started on January 1, 2016. The deadline to sign up by will be Friday, January 15, 2016. I will begin emailing and/or inboxing the addresses to everyone on Monday, January 18,2016. If the names given to you are outside of your country, the cards must be mailed out by Monday, February 1, 2016. If they are within your own country, they must be mailed out by Friday, February 5, 2016. We want the cards to get there BEFORE Valentine's Day, NOT AFTER.

**If you haven't participated in any card exchanges of mine in the past:

If this is your first time participating in one of my card exchange programs, you'll need to either email me or inbox me on the fan page for the program. The link to the fan page is below. My email address is mamasbby84@aol.com.

Please send me the following info when you email me:

1. Your first & last name
2. Your mailing address with NO ABBREVIATIONS.
3. Your angels name (optional)

Also include, as stated above, if you would rather not receive religious cards. If it's too hurtful for your angels name to be on card, just don't include his/her name.

**If you have participated in past exchanges:

If you've participated in the past, all you have to do is tell me you'd like to join. I have all the addresses of everyone that's participated already. If your address has changed since the last exchange, please notify me via email or inbox message on Facebook.

**What happens if you need to drop out:

Dropping out IS acceptable. I know that things happen, oftentimes unexpectedly. If you find you need to drop out, please notify me so that I can give your names to someone else or pick them up myself. If you drop out & you do notify me, you WILL be allowed to join future programs. If you do NOT notify me, you'll be banned from all future programs. If you send me a message AFTER the deadline to have your cards out telling me you need to drop out, this will be unacceptable! If something happens after the deadline, that's no excuse. Because had you sent your cards out on time, this wouldn't effect anything. Please only join if you're serious about it. This is very important! We don't want to hurt an angel mothers feelings on an already difficult day. Any holiday can be difficult without our angel babies! Even Valentine's Day! 

**What is NOT acceptable:

E-Cards are NOT acceptable! Real cards are more personal and that's what's required for this program. 

**Facebook address for the fan page:

Please like the page for the card exchange program & visit it often. I will post updates & important info on the page. Also, sending me a photo of the cards you receive is greatly appreciated. I'll post the photo on the page as a thank you to the person that sent it. It would also be appreciated if you'd at least let me know when you've received your cards. 

Thank you to everyone that signs up! I hope you all enjoy the program! 

The link is www.facebook.com/HolidayCardExchange.

Reflections, 10 months later

Today it was 10 months since our Doug was taken from us. It's also, coincidentally, a year since Doug & I took what would end up being our last photos together. A big huge fuck you to Facebook for reminding me of that today! His 10 month angelversary also got me to thinking from a different perspective. 

One year ago today, I didn't realize that I was only being allowed 2 more short months with my soulmate. It's heartbreaking to think of it that way. We were quickly running out of time & didn't realize it. God, it's been 10 months & all I've got to do is walk into my living room & I'm immediately transferred back in time to 7:30 am on March 10th. I'm standing over him with my worst fear realized: my Doug was dead. DEAD! What the fuck?! How could this actually be happening?! HOW?!?! I mean I know I told him everyday, while arguing over his constant need to be wasted, that he wouldn't live to see 30 if he kept up what he was doing! And, don't get me wrong, I normally love being right! 'Don't drink that entire bottle! You're gonna regret doing that, Doug!' 'Don't throw all of the movies out in the yard in a drunken rage! You'll regret it when none of them will work any longer!' But I did not want to be right about THIS!! I'd give ANYTHING to have had him prove me wrong this one time! If he could, I know he'd say, 'I should've listened to you, baby!' As he always did if I was right about something. I guess the worst part is, the night before he died, we had a TWO HOUR LONG conversation about how I didn't want to wake up & find him dead! That if I found him dead, the kids would find him dead! I asked him if that's what he wanted. I said that will fuck us up for life; not to mention I'm sure your crazy ass family would blame me! (Yes, isn't it ironic! Because those crazy assholes DO blame me, as stupid as it is!!) Normally when I said this to him, he'd respond by saying, 'nothing's going to happen to me! I've drank more then this in one night & didn't die!' But this night, he said, 'no baby, I don't want that to happen!' I felt like I shouldn't have ever said that to him! But I had no idea it would happen that night. God, hindsight really is 20/20!! It's like I knew from the time I met him that our relationship would be short-lived. But I guess, deep down, I thought if he does die, it'll be years from now! Because it takes longer then 8 years for alcohol to kill you, right?!?! I know so many alcoholics that have drank every day of their lives & are still kickin it at 50+ years old! But, they don't drink vodka everyday. They mix it up a bit; bear & liquor only  occasionally. Doug was not like that; it was vodka & it was every single day. 

God knows, I didn't want it this way. I stupidly though we had our whole lives left. I stupidly thought he had all the time in the world to get better! He was trying. He didn't want to be that way! I mean, who the fuck would want albeit choose to live their life that way?! No one!! He would cry & tell me he didn't want to be like that! And, for any idiot that may read this & think or say, 'he wasn't trying! He drank the night before he died!' Fuck you! That don't mean he wasn't trying! Get off of your fucking high horse! People slip; make mistakes! It all goes back to the point: it was his time to go. Nothing I did or didn't do would've saved him. And as much as I wanted to, I couldn't fix him. Any 'Godly' person knows that God knows from the moment you are conceived when he will reclaim his gift to us. He knew when Bonnie conceived him 29 years ago that he was going to take him back on March 10, 2015. He would only be allowed 27 precious years in this life until he was to move on to the next. One month & 7 days shy of his 28th birthday. Forever 27. 

He didn't lie to me. He did stay with me for his forever! We ran out of time far too soon! Not a day goes by; hell, not a second goes by that he's not on my mind. Not a second goes by that I don't wish things were different! Lord knows, if I could change what happened, I WOULD!! It breaks my heart in half! Not only for myself but for my kids. They still talk about him every single day! 

One things for sure, the love I have for him is all consuming! And I'll love him until my own forever! His beautiful face is imprinted in my mind. I see it every time I close my eyes. No matter where this life will lead me, he will come along. His pictures are still up everywhere in my house. I still have everything he owned. Most still where he left it! The food we cooked the night before he died is STILL in my fridge, 10 months later!! I'll throw it out when I'm ready. Unlike some assholes, I won't sweep him under a rug & remember him as a 17 year old high school kid! I remember him for the beautifully, amazing man his alcoholism clouded. I seen through it. 

I love you, my Doug. Always have. ALWAYS WILL. 

Love,

Your Toni Williams 

One year ago today!

Picture he took of himself that night, after I went to bed, lol!