One year ago today, I didn't realize that I was only being allowed 2 more short months with my soulmate. It's heartbreaking to think of it that way. We were quickly running out of time & didn't realize it. God, it's been 10 months & all I've got to do is walk into my living room & I'm immediately transferred back in time to 7:30 am on March 10th. I'm standing over him with my worst fear realized: my Doug was dead. DEAD! What the fuck?! How could this actually be happening?! HOW?!?! I mean I know I told him everyday, while arguing over his constant need to be wasted, that he wouldn't live to see 30 if he kept up what he was doing! And, don't get me wrong, I normally love being right! 'Don't drink that entire bottle! You're gonna regret doing that, Doug!' 'Don't throw all of the movies out in the yard in a drunken rage! You'll regret it when none of them will work any longer!' But I did not want to be right about THIS!! I'd give ANYTHING to have had him prove me wrong this one time! If he could, I know he'd say, 'I should've listened to you, baby!' As he always did if I was right about something. I guess the worst part is, the night before he died, we had a TWO HOUR LONG conversation about how I didn't want to wake up & find him dead! That if I found him dead, the kids would find him dead! I asked him if that's what he wanted. I said that will fuck us up for life; not to mention I'm sure your crazy ass family would blame me! (Yes, isn't it ironic! Because those crazy assholes DO blame me, as stupid as it is!!) Normally when I said this to him, he'd respond by saying, 'nothing's going to happen to me! I've drank more then this in one night & didn't die!' But this night, he said, 'no baby, I don't want that to happen!' I felt like I shouldn't have ever said that to him! But I had no idea it would happen that night. God, hindsight really is 20/20!! It's like I knew from the time I met him that our relationship would be short-lived. But I guess, deep down, I thought if he does die, it'll be years from now! Because it takes longer then 8 years for alcohol to kill you, right?!?! I know so many alcoholics that have drank every day of their lives & are still kickin it at 50+ years old! But, they don't drink vodka everyday. They mix it up a bit; bear & liquor only occasionally. Doug was not like that; it was vodka & it was every single day.
God knows, I didn't want it this way. I stupidly though we had our whole lives left. I stupidly thought he had all the time in the world to get better! He was trying. He didn't want to be that way! I mean, who the fuck would want albeit choose to live their life that way?! No one!! He would cry & tell me he didn't want to be like that! And, for any idiot that may read this & think or say, 'he wasn't trying! He drank the night before he died!' Fuck you! That don't mean he wasn't trying! Get off of your fucking high horse! People slip; make mistakes! It all goes back to the point: it was his time to go. Nothing I did or didn't do would've saved him. And as much as I wanted to, I couldn't fix him. Any 'Godly' person knows that God knows from the moment you are conceived when he will reclaim his gift to us. He knew when Bonnie conceived him 29 years ago that he was going to take him back on March 10, 2015. He would only be allowed 27 precious years in this life until he was to move on to the next. One month & 7 days shy of his 28th birthday. Forever 27.
He didn't lie to me. He did stay with me for his forever! We ran out of time far too soon! Not a day goes by; hell, not a second goes by that he's not on my mind. Not a second goes by that I don't wish things were different! Lord knows, if I could change what happened, I WOULD!! It breaks my heart in half! Not only for myself but for my kids. They still talk about him every single day!
One things for sure, the love I have for him is all consuming! And I'll love him until my own forever! His beautiful face is imprinted in my mind. I see it every time I close my eyes. No matter where this life will lead me, he will come along. His pictures are still up everywhere in my house. I still have everything he owned. Most still where he left it! The food we cooked the night before he died is STILL in my fridge, 10 months later!! I'll throw it out when I'm ready. Unlike some assholes, I won't sweep him under a rug & remember him as a 17 year old high school kid! I remember him for the beautifully, amazing man his alcoholism clouded. I seen through it.
I love you, my Doug. Always have. ALWAYS WILL.
Love,
Your Toni Williams
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