My Doug.....

I was told that it would help if I write as a way to deal with Doug's death. So, here it is. 

Today is the first day that I'm here in my house totally alone. No kids. No one. Just me. And I'm completely miserable! Totally lost without him. I've spent every single day of my life for the past year with him. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!?! How in the fuck am I supposed to continue living here?!?! I've changed everything about my house. But I still see Doug everywhere! Every time I walk in my living room, I see him on that couch. 

I relive the worst thing that's ever happened to me! I have to talk about that day. I see myself standing over him begging him to wake up! Telling him, "get up baby! We've got plans today! PLEASE wake up!!" Our babies standing behind me asking me why he won't wake up. Then realizing he's gone, I told Gavin & Kenadi to get in there room as I frantically searched for my phone to call 911. All the while praying that the commotion will wake him up. Praying that maybe it had just happened & he will wake up! But knowing in the back of my mind, he was gone & had probably been gone at least 2-3 hours. I had to get out of here! I called 911 & told them my fiancé was dead on our couch. I was in a sheer panic & in shock. I grabbed our babies & ran up the hall to take them outside. I told them not to look at him, but they did anyway. They knew that's the last time they would see the man they called daddy. The man that spent so much time with them everyday. 

Doug was an alcoholic. Anyone that knew him knows that. I felt for Doug. I knew what he was going through. Some don't know but, I'm an addict myself. I've been clean 5 years now from pain pills. I've felt the sickness he would feel when he didn't drink. I thought I knew exactly how he felt. But I didn't. Not really. He would get so sick & destructive at the same time. I loved Doug & I wanted to help him. I wish I could've taken it all away from him. And I'm sorry if sometimes my help was to get him what would take his pain & sickness away. I admit, 100% that I enabled him. But at the same time, I begged him EVERY SINGLE DAY to PLEASE STOP DRINKING! I told him he was slowly killing himself everyday & he was killing us, our relationship! But when you're addicted to something & you're withdrawing, you can't see beyond that sickness! All you can think about is getting the liquor or whatever you're addicted to! I know because I've been where he was! No one knew what went on in my house & he & I struggled everyday because of alcohol & it's hold on Doug. The worst part of it all is everyday I would talk to him about it. I would tell him, "if you continue this, you won't live to see 30!" But Doug thought the only way an alcoholic would die is from serousis (spelling is probably wrong) of the liver. I would tell him, "no, Doug! Anything can happen! You can pass out & throw up in your sleep & choke on it! You can have seizures!" I know, from being an addict myself, that there's only 2 things they'll put you in the hospital to detox from: herion & alcohol. Because you can die. You can have strokes, seizures, hallucinations, all kinds of shit can happen! He just wouldn't listen to me! The fucking night before he died, we had a 2 hour conversation about this very thing! I cried asking him, "do you want me & the kids to find you dead!?! Because that would kill us!!" He said, "no, baby, I don't want that to happen!" No matter what anyone thinks, I tried my hardest to get him to stop! All the way up to the night before he died! I feel like I knew this was going to happen one day but not so fucking soon!! Not so soon! I told my mama when I met Doug, "I've found my soulmate & watch, something is gonna happen to him! It's gonna be like a sappy love story where they find their true love & then one of them dies!" And fuck, I was right!! I hid his secret for him & I shouldn't have. I knew that then. But I won't living for the fact that I was going to find him dead. I lived for that day. No arguing. No fighting over drinking. We took it day by day. That's all we could do. 

I don't blame myself for Doug's death. I know some do. But here's the thing. If Doug wanted to drink, he would find a way! I didn't buy the last bottles that he drank. HE BOUGHT THEM. HE FOUND A WAY TO THE STORE!! I did buy it for him, a lot. And God knows, I know I shouldn't have. But no one knows what I had to go through if I didn't get it. But I lovedDoug & I knew it was his addiction, not him, not how he really was! I could've ran away when I figured out he was an alcoholic but that would've made me a hypocritical bitch! And I loved him. I wanted to help him! I didn't want to abandon him when he needed me! I don't care what anyone says, he won't with me because I bought him alcohol & gave him rides. If that was the case, he had PLENTY of opportunities to call someone else to do it for him. Like when moved back in with his sister. He could've taken that opportunity to call or get in touch with someone else but he didn't! He wanted me there with him, everyday! And I wanted to be there. He could've broken up with me then, but he didn't. And that's a long time just to stay with someone and carry on a charade just because of alcohol! That's ridiculous! 

My beautiful gift from my beautiful friend, Amanda Parks! I love you, Mander J!!

Anyway, I just want everyone to know how sorry I am that this happened! This is not how I wanted things to turn out! I'd give anything to have my Doug back! ANYTHING!!! I did everything I possibly could! I begged & pleaded everyday! I've been over every single coulda, woulda shoulda. I've thought of everything I would have done differently. But I don't thing anything would change the end result. God knew when he put Doug in his mothers womb, that he would only be here 27 years and he was going to die on March 10, 2015. I just had the unfortunate chance of being here when he died. And finding him afterwards. And I'll have to live with that image for the rest of my life. Not only me, but Gavin & Kenadi as well. That's not something you just forget happened! It's not like we broke up & it just hurts a little to be here. It kills me to walk in our house! It fucking KILLS ME! And it kills Gavin. He's only been home 3 times since Doug died. I had my family. Doug had his family. And now that family has been torn apart. And I'm trying to keep it together but I'm I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. 

Me & my beautiful baby!

As I tell my children, when they ask about Doug, one things certain in this life and that's death. Everyone dies. Some don't make it out of their mothers womb. Some die as children or teenagers. Some die at 27 & some live to be 100! We are all a borrowed gift from God & one day we'll have to be returned to him. And it will hurt the ones left behind that love you. But life carries on. We have to find a way to accept this fact. God be with us as we mourn the loss of a gift that was leant to us & taken back far too soon! We love you, Doug, more than you'll ever know! I'm so happy that you're free now & FINALLY at peace! Wrap your arms around all of us that miss you so much! Your mom, your sister & brother. Your grandparents, cousins, aunts & uncles. Your friends. And me, Gavin & Kenadi! 

Family of pirates on Halloween! So much fun!

Til we meet again my love, wait for me on the other side..... 💔💔💫😘🌠

ALWAYS IN MY HEART❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Please unlike the fb page "I AM A MOTHER TO AN ANGEL"!!!

Hello, all! I am writing this here instead of my fb page because it is a blog about the popular, albeit infamous, Facebook page called I AM A MOTHER TO AN ANGEL. And as we all know, the owner of that page, Kerin Lee, is an absolute monster (a report button happy monster at that) hiding behind a catchy page name. A self-proclaimed saint, she sells t-shirts, cheaply made jewelry that she pre orders & slaps a handmade title to it & makes digital graphics that she slaps a copyright symbol to & claims she makes them all from scratch on PhotoShop. These claims have been rebutted several times. After she's caught, she simply says she didn't know & lies her way out of it. The only problem with that explanation is, HELLO, you idiot, you've already put a copyright sign on it, simply to scare people from using your images! Which, by the way, are so ugly & cheap looking, I have no idea why anyone would want to say they made it! And FYI, it takes longer than overnight to gain a copyright to an image! Anyone with a smartphone can add a copyright to anything! See, look ©, that means I own this blog. Idiot. It's not that easy. And it costs money! Anyone with half a brain knows that!

Which brings me to my next point, are people REALLY that stupid?! REALLY?! There are countless pages dedicated to bringing this bitch down. To name one, PEOPLE AGAINST I AM A MOTHER TO AN ANGEL. This page has showed proof of everything they've posted in the past almost year now! So, how is it that when that page was first made, IAAMTAA had a little over 30,000 fans (which is ridiculous) and now, a year later, the page has over 122,000 fans??! Please, someone tell me why?! And don't say it's because she's good at what she does! Because I see no proof of that! What I do see proof of, however, is just how many people have been fucked over by her since her shitty page was started in 2010. 

Let me explain my background with this monster we've come to know by many names. I was recommended to become a fan on her page back in 2010, when it was first started. I liked the page but never participated in anything on the page. Every now & then I'd leave my angels name for some remembrance hoop-la but never actually seen my angels included. (And I know I followed her ridiculous rules) So, one day in February, 2012, I seen a balloon graphic that I thought was semicute & decided to request it. The post stated that only the first 100 people to comment would receive a "FREE KEEPSAKE MEMORIAL GRAPHIC". I thought to myself, "free? They should be free! I mean, look at em!" Anyway, I was one of the first 30 people to comment with my angels name. Sometime later, I noticed in my news feed that those images had been uploaded. But mine was nowhere in sight. However, the name ahead of mine & directly behind mine was made. Hmmm.. Did I do something wrong? Doubtful since the others in front of and behind me were made. Anyway, so I hadn't realized yet that I was not only a fan on the page but had been added to the private group as well. So, I left a post on what I later realized was the private group, not the fan page. (It wouldn't have mattered where I posted because apparently, that's a sin to do.) My post read as follows, "Kerin, I requested the newest graphic you have up & I don't see mine. I may be looking in the wrong spot as I've never requested one before, lol! It could totally be my fault. Can you help me out? Thank you!" That's it. What happened next was completely unjustified & uncalled for! At the time, there was about 6,000 fans on the page and I think about 5,999 of them came at me, guns blazing! How dare I ask this precious saint where my graphic was! "She does so much for us out of the goodness of her 24 karat gold heart! And it's people like you that makes her stop doing these wonderful things!" (I put my own sarcastic twist to that, but you get the jest!) 

Continuing on. After this happened, I was mad. And though Kerin was never a help to me directly, I had met some pretty amazing ladies within the group. So, I decided to email Kerin. See, at this time, she was the only Admin on the page. I was expecting Kerin to tell me it was ok & laugh it off. But she didn't. She replied with a long rant about how I was accusing her of not doing her job & how she has one night alone with her family & I ruined it by asking her about a graphic request. She went on & on. Then she got on the group saying the same thing except to everyone in the group! She could've kept it between us but instead, she posted on the page like the bitch that she is. Then, I said FUCK THIS! I emailed her back & said "I'm not like these other people on your page! I will not lick your ass and apologize for something I wasn't in the wrong for doing! I wasn't rude to you, I even added a lol to show the mood was light! And you come back at me like this!? Ban me from your shitty page! I don't give a fuck! Not enough to beg you not to like I've seen so many ladies do!" I ended it there, give or take a few words. 

Ever since then, I've tried my best to out her at every corner. I found jewelry she was claiming she handmade in the back of a magazine for $20 cheaper than what she sold it for. That jewelry IS handmade but most certainly NOT BY HER! She orders it from another company, takes a photo of it with her stamp on the photo & claims she made it! She charges outrageous shipping prices. I, myself send out bears, & to ship those anywhere in the USA is less than $3. So, please tell me how anyone can charge $10 to ship a necklace or rubber bracelet?! When the post office goes by weight! 

There's so much wrong Kerin Lee does, it would take me years & countless blog entries to list it all! It's impossible! What is possible is that I encourage everyone reading this blog to unlike her pages. Do not buy anything from her Etsy shop or her IAAMTAA online boutique. I promise you that you can get better things, much cheaper, somewhere else! And your hard earned money won't be used to line the pockets of a monster! A monster that tells you your money will go towards raising money for her made up charity PICLA (Pregnancy, infant childloss awareness). This is NOT a real charity nor organization! Kerin Lee made it up! It's not even a thing! Just some bullshit Kerin made up so people would shut up about what she does with the money she receives! You could probably make your own jewely with the money you'd lose by helping her. Because if you ordered something today, you'll be given a 12 week wait time & 12 months from now, you'll still be waiting. Only by the end of the 12 months, you'll have been blocked & banned from any page associated with Kerin Lee. This prevents you from asking the Queen Bee where your order is! 

In closing, I'd like to share the links to the pages where you can see all of this for yourself. The proof that Kerin Lee & I Am A Mother To An Angel is robbing grieving mothers & families at their most vulnerable times! With promises of a support network where you're asked not to talk to any member outside of her precious pages & you're banned if you do so. A support network that only includes post after post of her cheap shit she's selling! Hey, Kerin, that's not supportive!!!! 

Please consider unliking & unfollowing any page of hers! She's on Etsy, Twitter, Facebook & Blogspot to a name a few   Also, you can go to Google and simply type in complaints against I Am A Mother To An Angel. See for yourself! There's petitions for Etsy to take her shop down. Which they've done before & she just opened another one. This monster will stop at nothing! She deletes anything negative ever written about her. On her pages that is! She can't delete what she's done to thousands of grieving families, her own included (For baby Scarlette). Don't be fooled by the tiny handful she's treated kindly! She can't be that way with everyone or she wouldn't have gotten as far as she has! Keep that in mind! Thanks to the countless women that take time everyday to try & bring this bitch down where she deserves to be! Thank you, ALL!!

Links to the pages with all the proof. Please read these pages & let the evidence speak for itself:

People Against I Am A Mother To An Angel: www.facebook.com/paiaamtaa 

Tumblr page:

http://theonlysanepersonhere.tumblr.com

Second Annual Valentine's Day Card Exchange Program

Welcome to the Second Annual SBAPLA Valentine's Day Card Exchange Program! First, before you read any further, if you know you will not be able to purchase or make two Valentine's Day cards & two stamps, please do not join. If you can, please continue reading. Here I will explain how the program works & try & answer your questions.

**What you'll need to do:

To participate, as stated above, you'll need to purchase a minimum of two Valentine's Day cards & two postage stamps (if your names are within the states. If outside the states, you'll purchase six stamps, three for each card). You may ask for more than two names but each person is only required to send out two cards. GIFTS ARE NOT REQUIRED. You may send one but you do not have to. You can also make your cards. Some people find this cheaper, easier & more fun anyway. The addresses will be chosen & provided by me. If you would prefer not to receive religious cards, please specify this when you sign up. If you'd like to stay within your own country, please specify this as well. Please note, I'll try my best to honor that request, but it can't always be done. Especially if you're outside the states because most of the people that sign up are in the states.

**Sign ups & deadlines to have the cards sent out by:

Sign ups started on January 1, 2015. The deadline to sign up by will be Friday, January 16, 2015. I will begin emailing and/or inboxing the addresses to everyone on Monday, January 19, 2015. If the names given to you are outside of your country, the cards must be mailed out by Monday, February 2, 2015. If they are within your own country, they must be mailed out by Friday, February 6, 2015. We want the cards to get there BEFORE Valentine's Day, NOT AFTER. I may sit a sign up limit to 50 people. Last year, so many signed up that it got very overwhelming for me. Plus, so many people didn't do as they were supposed to do.

**If you haven't participated in any card exchanges of mine in the past:

If this is your first time participating in one of my card exchange programs, you'll need to either email me or inbox me on the fan page for the program. The link to the fan page is below. My email address is mamasbby84@aol.com.

Please send me the following info when you email me:

1. Your first & last name
2. Your mailing address with NO ABBREVIATIONS.
3. Your angels name (optional)

Also include, as stated above, if you would rather not receive religious cards. If it's too hurtful for your angels name to be on card, just don't include his/her name.

**If you have participated in past exchanges:

If you've participated in the past, all you have to do is tell me you'd like to join. I have all the addresses of everyone that's participated already. If your address has changed since the last exchange, please notify me via email or inbox message on Facebook.

**What happens if you need to drop out:

Dropping out IS acceptable. I know that things happen, oftentimes unexpectedly. If you find you need to drop out, please notify me so that I can give your names to someone else or pick them up myself. If you drop out & you do notify me, you WILL be allowed to join future programs. If you do NOT notify me, you'll be banned from all future programs. If you send me a message AFTER the deadline to have your cards out telling me you need to drop out, this will be unacceptable! If something happens after the deadline, that's no excuse. Because had you sent your cards out on time, this wouldn't effect anything. Please only join if you're serious about it. This is very important! We don't want to hurt an angel mothers feelings on an already difficult day. Any holiday can be difficult without our angel babies! Even Valentine's Day! 

**What is NOT acceptable:

E-Cards are NOT acceptable! Real cards are more personal and that's what's required for this program. 

**Facebook address for the fan page:

Please like the page for the card exchange program & visit it often. I will post updates & important info on the page. Thank you to everyone that signs up! I hope you all enjoy the program!

The link is www.facebook.com/HolidayCardExchange.

Rules For the Christmas Card Exchange Program 2014

Welcome to the Third Annual SBAPLA Christmas Card Exchange Program! First, before you read any further, if you know you will not be able to purchase or make two Christmas cards & two stamps, please do not join. If you can, please continue reading. Here I will explain how the program works & try & answer your questions.

**What you'll need to do:

To participate, as stated above, you'll need to purchase a minimum of two Christmas cards & two postage stamps (if your names are within the states. If outside the states, you'll purchase six stamps, three for each card). You may ask for more than two names but each person is only required to send out two cards. GIFTS ARE NOT REQUIRED. You may send one but you do not have to. You can also make your cards. Some people find this cheaper, easier & more fun anyway. The addresses will be chosen & provided by me. If you would prefer not to receive religious cards, please specify this when you sign up. If you'd like to stay within your own country, please specify this as well. Please note, I'll try my best to honor that request, but it can't always be done. Especially if you're outside the states because most of the people that sign up are in the states.

**Sign ups & deadlines to have the cards sent out by:

Sign ups started on October 1, 2015. The deadline to sign up by will be Friday, November 20, 2015. I will begin emailing and/or inboxing the addresses to everyone on Monday, November 23, 2015. If the names given to you are outside of your country, the cards must be mailed out by Friday, December 11, 2015. If they are within your own country, they must be mailed out by Friday, December 18, 2015. We want the cards to get there BEFORE Christmas NOT AFTER. 

**If you haven't participated in any card exchanges of mine in the past:

If this is your first time participating in one of my card exchange programs, you'll need to either email me or inbox me on the fan page for the program. The link to the fan page is below. My email address is mamasbby84@aol.com.

Please send me the following info when you email me:

1. Your first & last name
2. Your mailing address with NO ABBREVIATIONS.
3. Your angels name (optional)

Also include, as stated above, if you would rather not receive religious cards. If it's too hurtful for your angels name to be on card, just don't include his/her name.

**If you have participated in past exchanges:

If you've participated in the past, all you have to do is tell me you'd like to join. I have all the addresses of everyone that's participated already. If your address has changed since the last exchange, please notify me via email or inbox message on Facebook.

**What happens if you need to drop out:

Dropping out IS acceptable. I know that things happen, oftentimes unexpectedly. If you find you need to drop out, please notify me so that I can give your names to someone else or pick them up myself. If you drop out & you do notify me, you WILL be allowed to join future programs. If you do NOT notify me, you'll be banned from all future programs. If you send me a message AFTER the deadline to have your cards out telling me you need to drop out, this will be unacceptable! If something happens after the deadline, that's no excuse. Because had you sent your cards out on time, this wouldn't effect anything. Please only join if you're serious about it. This is very important! We don't want hurt an angel mothers feelings on an already difficult holiday.

**What is NOT acceptable:

E-Cards are NOT acceptable! Real cards are more personal and that's what's required for this program. 

**Facebook address for the fan page:

Please like the page for the card exchange program & visit it often. I will post updates & important info on the page. The link is www.facebook.com/HolidayCardExchange.

Thank you to everyone that signs up! It's because of you that this is possible! I look forward to a wonderful holiday season! I hope you all will enjoy the program!

My angels 10th Birthday In Heaven

The time is 8:32 pm on March 20, 2014. It's not a normal day. It's the ten year anniversary of my baby girls death. Usually, I get through this time with ease. Maybe it's the fact that so much time has passed that I've adapted.

But, maybe time worked against me this year. I started the day with my normal ease. I got up, fixed my kids a bowl of cereal. Got them dressed & off to school. After that, I come back in my house & rested a while, watched tv, commented on my statuses about Kaylea's birthday. I decided that I would release balloons for her & let my kids help.

I went to the store & bought a helium kit & blew the balloons up myself. As I was doing this, I felt a tugging in my heart, and my stomach. A familiar tugging, yes, but one I haven't felt this strong in quite some time now!! Then, I realised it. I'm not taking this so good this year.

My kids get off the bus. I tell them that they can write messages on the balloons to Kaylea but to be careful not to pop them. Which they did, wonderfully! But, at the grave site, things went awry. My kids were just being kids. Of course, they can't even begin to fathom what I go through. They have no idea the pain I feel everyday. We released the balloons & I tried having a moment to talk to my angel, my first born. I usually do this alone but this year I thought I'd include them in it. And it didn't go good. I missed the chance to cry, to savor my time at my daughter's grave. To talk to her, alone, as I do every year. I missed it. Was it worth it to include my children. Maybe so. I don't know.

How do you make a 8 & 7 year old understand that their sister doesn't get a birthday party. She doesn't get to open presents like they do. I don't get to give her kisses & hug her, tell her I love her & hear her say it back to me. These balloons, this Peter Rabbit stuffed animal is all I get to do for her! It's IMPORTANT!

Why can't ANYONE understand how important this was to me? What can I say? I help thousands of grieving mothers on a daily basis, give them advice, encouraging words for big dates, holidays & anniversaries. I deal with grief every single day. Why can't I take my own advice? I've been told I'm pretty good at what I do. What happens when the supporter needs support? Let me just say that this blog isn't about the ladies on my page! It's actually quite the opposite! My fans, my second family, was AMAZING today!! I think what added to my day being bad is the fact that out of all of my friends, only ONE even thought to ask me how I was today! ONE!  My friend, my sister, Nikki, came with me to release Kaylea's balloons. She is wonderful! She's not my sister, by blood. But a sister doesn't always mean by blood. I interpret a sister as someone who is there for me when I need them. Not someone that says "call me if you need anything" and when you do call they don't answer or its excuse after excuse as to why they can't help you. Quick sidenote: don't say these words if you don't Fucking mean it! These words mean a lot to a grieving mother! We live on these words because they mean that someone will be there for us if we need them. And chances are, we'll need them! So, don't say it if you don't mean it!

Can you believe my mama didn't even ask me how I was today?! MY MAMA!! So, all in all, it was a very hard day!! I felt even more empty & sad than I did the day I had her. This has been very, very hard on me!! And I feel like no one in this world cares! No one in my family, that is! This is a huge anniversary! TEN YEARS! And I think that's another reason that it's working on me so hard! I've thought about it so much lately, especially since I got the records from the hospital where I had her. I almost wish I hadn't of gotten them!

Mostly though, it's the fact that I felt so alone today. The fact that the world can go on as if I didn't have a daughter that died! She matters, even if no one else thinks so! She Fucking matters!!! And I will give her the respect she Fucking deserves! If no one else will!! I will say her name every single day! No matter how uncomfortable anyone feels! I will celebrate her birthday every year on March 20th until I'm no longer here to celebrate!! Her life matters, no matter how short it was, IT MATTERS!!

So, make the awkward call & if you can't do that, send a text! But don't treat my daughter as if she didn't exist!

I'm going to end it here. My head hurts. My eyes are swollen. And I'm exhausted. The day was hard & exhausting! And I'm ready for it to be over.

Kaylea, I'll love you till I die! My first born, my first daughter. You hold a place inside my heart that no one else can have. You are a very important part of me. You're imprinted on my soul. And I can't wait until the day that I see your precious face again!

In Loving Memory of Kaylea Blair Todt Born still on March 20, 2004 at 7:11 am, weighing a tiny 1lb 2ozs 11 1/2 inches long. Forever loved & missed!

At This time, ten years ago...

.....I laid in a hospital bed, waiting impatiently to have my first child. The impatience did not come from the normal joys of giving birth. No, beautiful cries would not be heard, this time. Instead, just a few hours earlier, I had been given the worst news I would ever receive in my life. Those three words every parent to be hopes they'll never have to hear: THERE'S NO HEARTBEAT!

I'm sitting here now reading my records for the whole day of Thursday, March 18, 2004. One sheet reads:

"A LIMITED OBSTETRICAL PELVIC ULTRASOUND WAS PERFORMED TO EVALUATE FOR FETAL DEMISE. NO FETAL CARDIAC MOTION OR COLOR MOTION IS IDENTIFIED WITHIN THE FETUS. NO FETAL MOTION IS SEEN. THE BPD WAS MEASURED AND CORRELATES WITH AN EGA (estimated gestational age) OF 21 weeks & 5 days. THE EXPECTED EGA IS 28 WEEKS BASED ON PRIOR ULTRASOUND. THERE IS VERY LITTLE AMNIOTIC FLUID IDENTIFIED.

"IMPRESSION: FETAL DEMISE IS DOCUMENTED."

These words, so cold & unnerving! As if my baby girl has been reduced to just another medical mishap. Another pregnancy loss statistic.

But, no, she was so much more than that! She was, IS MY DAUGHTER! She had life, inside my body. She grew, she moved, she was ALIVE! No matter what a piece of paper says, in those cold medical terms. Stop referring to my daughter as a fetus! She is a baby! Give her the respect she SO deserves! Do you not have a heart? A thread of compassion in your body? A Hippocratic oath you abide by, live by? You are a part of the worst news I will ever receive in my life! Respect that, if nothing else!

I'm only 19 years old, the best time in a person's life. But instead of preparing for my daughter's arrival, I'm laying in a hospital bed, planning a funeral for her! Silently praying that God would take me with her. I don't say instead of being out having fun like I should have been doing at 19 years old because Kaylea was not an accident! She was planned! But this, this was not planned! How can someone's life end before it even begins?! How can this be?! Was I being punished for something? What happened!? WHY WAS MY BABY TAKEN FROM ME BEFORE I EVEN HAD HER?! 

I'd do anything, give anything to know the answers to these questions. But, these, and many other questions, will go unanswered for the rest of my life. Some babies are just too good for this world! God seen Kaylea & thought she was so special that she wouldn't have to live a single day on this earth. She will never feel pain or have her heart broken. She will never know the pain that comes with loss. She's free. And I'm here, trapped inside my grief for her. This want, this need to have her here with me that will never, ever go away! The tears I cry when no one is around. The sadness I hide behind the words "I'm fine". This pulling inside my heart every single year, when the month of March arrives.

The love I have for my daughter will never be broken. It only grows stronger with each passing day. Nothing will ever change that! Years will pass, but my love is just as strong as it ever was!

At this time, I was begging God to change his mind. And if he won't change his mind to at least hurry the process along! I'm suffering. I'm hurting. Physically & mentally hurting! Just make it stop!! Again, this is something that would not come to pass. I still had another day to go.

Until tomorrow....

"Heaven and Earth may separate us, but nothing will ever change the fact that you made me a mother!"

About Graphic Requests on my Facebook Page

I've decided to do a blog for the fans on my Facebook page to read so there's no questions about how I do graphic requests. I ask that everyone read this blog so you'll all know & understand how I do the requests.

Firstly, when I upload a new graphic, there will be a few rules for everyone to read. Most of it is basic stuff. When I first started making graphics, I had no rules & things got completely out of hand. Sometimes there's only one graphic for everyone but most of the time, there's one for a girl, boy & one for angels that the sex was unknown. When it's three different graphics, you comment under the one you want. Pretty simple? You'd think so, but apparently not. I understand that, like me, a lot of my fans are only mobile & don't have a computer. Which is fine because I don't have a computer either. I ask that if you can't see or find where to make your request to inbox me on the page. Here, I'll break down each of the rules that I post & explain what I mean.

1. "Please comment under the graphic you want. Don't comment under the pink one asking for a blue one & vise versa." This is done so that I don't have to search for requests & guess which one you want. Also, if I take a guess sometimes I am wrong & then the fans send me hateful messages or comments over it. When the whole thing could've been avoided if the request was made properly.

2. "Please leave only your angels first name. Middle & last names & birthdays are not needed. (This won't apply every time)." I ask this so that I have enough time to do a graphic for everyone that wants one. Plus, all that info isn't needed for every graphic I do. If the graphic that's up is for a holiday, (Christmas, Easter, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving, etc.), I only ask for your angels first name. If middle & last names & birthdays are left, I still only use the first name. I do this because so many requests are made for the holiday graphics that it's quicker to use only the first name. I ask that everyone please understand this because I want everyone that wants one, to get one. This allows me the time to do one for everybody. Also, I get that most people give their angels a first and middle name. My angels name is Kaylea Blair. But when I ask for only the first name, and you leave first & middle, and tell me that's your angels name, I know that but that's not what I asked for. It's not that I don't want to recognize your angels full name, it's just quicker to use the first name only.

3. "Please don't comment under the album itself with a request." Please know that I only ask this because it helps me keep the requests in order. I don't have to search in a bunch of different places for the requests & I won't accidentally leave anyone out. If there is only one graphic in the album for request, and there's not a difference between one for a boy & one for a girl, I usually still do the ones left underneath the album. But when there's 3 different graphics for request, I don't know which one you want when you comment under the album itself. I know what you're thinking, "if it's a girls name, make the one for a girl & vice versa." Well, that sounds simple enough, but sometimes they want a purple one (the one usually used for unknown sex). So, still I have no idea which one you want if you comment under the album itself. I really hate not making a graphic request! And, to be honest, half the time, I still make them. I feel like I repeat this one rule over & over & no one even pays any attention to it.

4. "Please don't alter nor use my graphics without my permission. You can share them & you can use them as your profile picture." I've found quite a few of my graphics, used & alerted online. I've had a few fans show me where they've found them online. It's not fair nor right to claim someone else's work as your own. I spend a lot of time on my graphics & that needs to be respected.

5. "If requesting a graphic for an angel that is not your own, please have the parents permission & have the correct info." In the past, I've had a new girlfriend of an angels father request a graphic & after it was made & uploaded, the mother inboxed me, very upset about it. This puts me in a horrible position. I've had several of these situations occur in the past & it's not good! I know that it would make me so mad if my angels fathers new wife requested a graphic for MY angel without my permission. It would hurt me & piss me off! I have no way of knowing if the angel belongs to the person requesting. I can only trust that no one would put me in that position. I had another instance where a graphic was requested for an angel that didn't belong to the person requesting & they gave me the wrong birthday. And the parent cone after me over it. So not cool! So, please, don't put me in that awkward position.
6. "If you have more than one angel & you'd like their names on different graphics, please specify this by leaving each name in a separate comments." If the names are in one comment, I assume you'd like them on the same graphic. This causes unnecessary do overs to put the names on different graphics. It's time consuming & unnecessary.

I need everyone to understand that I have two living kids & I make the graphics in between my motherly duties & my everyday activities. By following these few rules, it allows me to take care of my family & still have time to take care of my page & make the graphics. Also, please know that I reserve the right to refuse to make a graphic due to rudeness or not following instructions. I'm not trying to be shitty or hateful, I'm just trying to explain why I do things the way I do. I want to be able to make everyone a graphic & by following the few rules I've made, you've allowed me to do just that.

I really enjoy making the graphics for everyone. I know how it feels to see your angels name on things. It means someone else is recognizing your angel & that's very important to a bereaved mother! All angels should be remembered! And as long as I'm here, they will be remembered! Please help me keep things simple & in order! Thank you, everyone, for your continued support of my page & the work I do!