.....I laid in a hospital bed, waiting impatiently to have my first child. The impatience did not come from the normal joys of giving birth. No, beautiful cries would not be heard, this time. Instead, just a few hours earlier, I had been given the worst news I would ever receive in my life. Those three words every parent to be hopes they'll never have to hear: THERE'S NO HEARTBEAT!
I'm sitting here now reading my records for the whole day of Thursday, March 18, 2004. One sheet reads:
"A LIMITED OBSTETRICAL PELVIC ULTRASOUND WAS PERFORMED TO EVALUATE FOR FETAL DEMISE. NO FETAL CARDIAC MOTION OR COLOR MOTION IS IDENTIFIED WITHIN THE FETUS. NO FETAL MOTION IS SEEN. THE BPD WAS MEASURED AND CORRELATES WITH AN EGA (estimated gestational age) OF 21 weeks & 5 days. THE EXPECTED EGA IS 28 WEEKS BASED ON PRIOR ULTRASOUND. THERE IS VERY LITTLE AMNIOTIC FLUID IDENTIFIED.
"IMPRESSION: FETAL DEMISE IS DOCUMENTED."
These words, so cold & unnerving! As if my baby girl has been reduced to just another medical mishap. Another pregnancy loss statistic.
But, no, she was so much more than that! She was, IS MY DAUGHTER! She had life, inside my body. She grew, she moved, she was ALIVE! No matter what a piece of paper says, in those cold medical terms. Stop referring to my daughter as a fetus! She is a baby! Give her the respect she SO deserves! Do you not have a heart? A thread of compassion in your body? A Hippocratic oath you abide by, live by? You are a part of the worst news I will ever receive in my life! Respect that, if nothing else!
I'm only 19 years old, the best time in a person's life. But instead of preparing for my daughter's arrival, I'm laying in a hospital bed, planning a funeral for her! Silently praying that God would take me with her. I don't say instead of being out having fun like I should have been doing at 19 years old because Kaylea was not an accident! She was planned! But this, this was not planned! How can someone's life end before it even begins?! How can this be?! Was I being punished for something? What happened!? WHY WAS MY BABY TAKEN FROM ME BEFORE I EVEN HAD HER?!
I'd do anything, give anything to know the answers to these questions. But, these, and many other questions, will go unanswered for the rest of my life. Some babies are just too good for this world! God seen Kaylea & thought she was so special that she wouldn't have to live a single day on this earth. She will never feel pain or have her heart broken. She will never know the pain that comes with loss. She's free. And I'm here, trapped inside my grief for her. This want, this need to have her here with me that will never, ever go away! The tears I cry when no one is around. The sadness I hide behind the words "I'm fine". This pulling inside my heart every single year, when the month of March arrives.
The love I have for my daughter will never be broken. It only grows stronger with each passing day. Nothing will ever change that! Years will pass, but my love is just as strong as it ever was!
At this time, I was begging God to change his mind. And if he won't change his mind to at least hurry the process along! I'm suffering. I'm hurting. Physically & mentally hurting! Just make it stop!! Again, this is something that would not come to pass. I still had another day to go.
Until tomorrow....
"Heaven and Earth may separate us, but nothing will ever change the fact that you made me a mother!"
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