Tuesday, March 4, 2014

They say memories are golden...

Last Monday, I went with my Mama to visit a patient of hers that was in the hospital. The hospital that we went to, just happened to be the hospital that I gave birth to my Kaylea at.

While at the hospital, I decided that, that would be the day that I get my records from my four day stay while having my daughter. The dates I was there was in 2004. So, they had been put into storage. I had to wait for them to be mailed.

I don't really know why I never got them before now. I know that this really happened to me, I know it's real. I have the scars to prove it. Not scars from stretch marks. No, mental scars that don't go away, no matter what. But I can't remember much of what happened due to the drugs I was administered. I thought maybe these papers would help me remember everything that happened during those four dreadful days. I had preeclampsia & was being given Magnesium sulfate to prevent seizures. I didn't feel sick when I arrived at the hospital. I knew, in my heart, that my baby was already gone, but I didn't feel sick. As soon as the first drop of Magnesium hit my veins, I felt like I was dying! As a result, I remember hardly anything that happened.

Today, the records arrived. I anxiously opened this thick envelope, hoping to give myself some clarity about the events that started on March 18, 2004.

I began with the first page of the records: my diagnosis. Written like this: intrauterine death, preeclampsia, breech presentation, mother with single stillborn.

I thought these papers would somehow make me feel better. But as I flipped through the pages, I found myself lying back in that hospital room hearing these things all over again. It hurt me down to my soul. I felt like my heart was literally breaking in half. I began crying, hysterically, as soon as I seen her precious name & the oh so medically termed words "fetal demise". Such an awful way to put it!

I also didn't think these records would have everything, word for word, that was said while I was there. At one point, in the nurses notes, it says, "patient crying asking her mother what she done wrong. Patient is assured that this is not a result of any action on her part." I had forgotten that I said that in my state of shock. They documented EVERYTHING!

I just wanted to read everything in my records. I wanted them to put with Kaylea's memory box. All this did was drudge up old feelings & emotions that I buried long ago.  Feelings that maybe I shouldn't have tried burying.

I thought maybe if I read everything in it that I'd find out something I didn't know or realize. I found out what every inch of the placenta looked like. I found out that I was indeed 28 weeks, not 27 weeks pregnant. I found out that I had very little amniotic fluid.

All of these feelings are now on the surface again as I'm approaching the ten year mark. I miss my angel Baby more than ever now. Viewing these papers, I'm afraid, open more wounds then it closed. I was awarded no closure in the matter, just more questions. The only relief I see is proof, documented proof, that my baby girl was here. She lived, if only inside my body, she DID live!

I got $35.00 worth of records. Pain. That will never go away, no matter how much time passes by. I miss her so bad that it hurts. Of course, I've found it easier to live with but it's a constant in my life. I think about Kaylea 23 hours of the day. I wish I had her here with me instead of a shelf with keepsakes on it. I cherish these mementos but my baby world be so much better. I yearn for what could have been and what SHOULD HAVE been! I am glad that I requested these records. If it's even possible, it made it real, even more than it is.

Kaylea, I will love you until I die! My sweet, precious angel!

"They say memories are golden, well maybe that's true. But I never wanted memories, I only wanted you"

3 comments:

  1. Praying for you Toni! I will never know what you are feeling and it's not something a parent should ever have to go through. Although I know it does happen and we lost our niece the same way it is hard. It has been three years for all of us and I still miss my niece. My heart goes out to you and I know nothing I can say or do will help you, I will make you and your baby part of my prayers. God Bless you for all you are doing for others that are going through the same thing you experienced. You have a voice that is being heard and spreading to help others.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Christina, thank you, sweetie! I figured that ten years later, I'd be ok to read these papers. It hurts to see so much info all in one place at one time. It was very overwhelming! Thank you, sweetie! <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Praying for you Toni! I lost Brooklynn the same way that you lost your precious Kaylea!! I know what you mean about not remembering much of it! I hope you get closure. I appreciate everything you do for all the angel mommies!! I think without your advice and your precious images a lot of us would be so lost!! So thank you for everything you do. and if you ever need anyone to talk to just shoot me a message!! <3

    ReplyDelete