Today is the first day that I'm here in my house totally alone. No kids. No one. Just me. And I'm completely miserable! Totally lost without him. I've spent every single day of my life for the past year with him. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!?! How in the fuck am I supposed to continue living here?!?! I've changed everything about my house. But I still see Doug everywhere! Every time I walk in my living room, I see him on that couch.
I relive the worst thing that's ever happened to me! I have to talk about that day. I see myself standing over him begging him to wake up! Telling him, "get up baby! We've got plans today! PLEASE wake up!!" Our babies standing behind me asking me why he won't wake up. Then realizing he's gone, I told Gavin & Kenadi to get in there room as I frantically searched for my phone to call 911. All the while praying that the commotion will wake him up. Praying that maybe it had just happened & he will wake up! But knowing in the back of my mind, he was gone & had probably been gone at least 2-3 hours. I had to get out of here! I called 911 & told them my fiancé was dead on our couch. I was in a sheer panic & in shock. I grabbed our babies & ran up the hall to take them outside. I told them not to look at him, but they did anyway. They knew that's the last time they would see the man they called daddy. The man that spent so much time with them everyday.
Doug was an alcoholic. Anyone that knew him knows that. I felt for Doug. I knew what he was going through. Some don't know but, I'm an addict myself. I've been clean 5 years now from pain pills. I've felt the sickness he would feel when he didn't drink. I thought I knew exactly how he felt. But I didn't. Not really. He would get so sick & destructive at the same time. I loved Doug & I wanted to help him. I wish I could've taken it all away from him. And I'm sorry if sometimes my help was to get him what would take his pain & sickness away. I admit, 100% that I enabled him. But at the same time, I begged him EVERY SINGLE DAY to PLEASE STOP DRINKING! I told him he was slowly killing himself everyday & he was killing us, our relationship! But when you're addicted to something & you're withdrawing, you can't see beyond that sickness! All you can think about is getting the liquor or whatever you're addicted to! I know because I've been where he was! No one knew what went on in my house & he & I struggled everyday because of alcohol & it's hold on Doug. The worst part of it all is everyday I would talk to him about it. I would tell him, "if you continue this, you won't live to see 30!" But Doug thought the only way an alcoholic would die is from serousis (spelling is probably wrong) of the liver. I would tell him, "no, Doug! Anything can happen! You can pass out & throw up in your sleep & choke on it! You can have seizures!" I know, from being an addict myself, that there's only 2 things they'll put you in the hospital to detox from: herion & alcohol. Because you can die. You can have strokes, seizures, hallucinations, all kinds of shit can happen! He just wouldn't listen to me! The fucking night before he died, we had a 2 hour conversation about this very thing! I cried asking him, "do you want me & the kids to find you dead!?! Because that would kill us!!" He said, "no, baby, I don't want that to happen!" No matter what anyone thinks, I tried my hardest to get him to stop! All the way up to the night before he died! I feel like I knew this was going to happen one day but not so fucking soon!! Not so soon! I told my mama when I met Doug, "I've found my soulmate & watch, something is gonna happen to him! It's gonna be like a sappy love story where they find their true love & then one of them dies!" And fuck, I was right!! I hid his secret for him & I shouldn't have. I knew that then. But I won't living for the fact that I was going to find him dead. I lived for that day. No arguing. No fighting over drinking. We took it day by day. That's all we could do.
I don't blame myself for Doug's death. I know some do. But here's the thing. If Doug wanted to drink, he would find a way! I didn't buy the last bottles that he drank. HE BOUGHT THEM. HE FOUND A WAY TO THE STORE!! I did buy it for him, a lot. And God knows, I know I shouldn't have. But no one knows what I had to go through if I didn't get it. But I lovedDoug & I knew it was his addiction, not him, not how he really was! I could've ran away when I figured out he was an alcoholic but that would've made me a hypocritical bitch! And I loved him. I wanted to help him! I didn't want to abandon him when he needed me! I don't care what anyone says, he won't with me because I bought him alcohol & gave him rides. If that was the case, he had PLENTY of opportunities to call someone else to do it for him. Like when moved back in with his sister. He could've taken that opportunity to call or get in touch with someone else but he didn't! He wanted me there with him, everyday! And I wanted to be there. He could've broken up with me then, but he didn't. And that's a long time just to stay with someone and carry on a charade just because of alcohol! That's ridiculous!
Anyway, I just want everyone to know how sorry I am that this happened! This is not how I wanted things to turn out! I'd give anything to have my Doug back! ANYTHING!!! I did everything I possibly could! I begged & pleaded everyday! I've been over every single coulda, woulda shoulda. I've thought of everything I would have done differently. But I don't thing anything would change the end result. God knew when he put Doug in his mothers womb, that he would only be here 27 years and he was going to die on March 10, 2015. I just had the unfortunate chance of being here when he died. And finding him afterwards. And I'll have to live with that image for the rest of my life. Not only me, but Gavin & Kenadi as well. That's not something you just forget happened! It's not like we broke up & it just hurts a little to be here. It kills me to walk in our house! It fucking KILLS ME! And it kills Gavin. He's only been home 3 times since Doug died. I had my family. Doug had his family. And now that family has been torn apart. And I'm trying to keep it together but I'm I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.
As I tell my children, when they ask about Doug, one things certain in this life and that's death. Everyone dies. Some don't make it out of their mothers womb. Some die as children or teenagers. Some die at 27 & some live to be 100! We are all a borrowed gift from God & one day we'll have to be returned to him. And it will hurt the ones left behind that love you. But life carries on. We have to find a way to accept this fact. God be with us as we mourn the loss of a gift that was leant to us & taken back far too soon! We love you, Doug, more than you'll ever know! I'm so happy that you're free now & FINALLY at peace! Wrap your arms around all of us that miss you so much! Your mom, your sister & brother. Your grandparents, cousins, aunts & uncles. Your friends. And me, Gavin & Kenadi!
Til we meet again my love, wait for me on the other side..... 💔💔💫😘🌠
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