LA Severson, Lyle and April Severson, April Severson

I am having a HUGE issue on my support page right now & I've decided instead of posting one long continuous status to tell the complete story, I'd just write a blog with everything everyone needs to know. Any individual or support page that wants proof April is in fact a fake, please continue reading this blog! I think you will find that I can MORE than prove it!! 

The story begins several months ago when a girl with a Facebook page entitled 'LA Severson' joined my support page: Stillbirth And Pregnancy Loss Awareness.  I had no issues from her; in fact she was a fairly decent fan! She was on all of my pages, including my card exchange page. She joined my Christmas Card Exchange Program & I actually sent her a card with an ornament I made for her. I had no issues with her! I thought she was a good person…

Fast forward to April 22, 2016, just over two weeks ago. I received a message from a fan on my page named Laura. I've included a screenshot of that message. 

After I received this message, I decided to inbox April & ask her about this allegation. That message is below:

In the meantime, I wrote a status on my stillbirth page warning my fans of the situation; I never mentioned April by name, only said there's word of another fake angel mom that has stolen another Mother's angels photos & claimed them as her own. I told my fans to please watermark any photos that they share on Facebook & if they didn't know how to do it, to send them to me privately & I would do it for them. During all of this, April replied to my message:

'Ma'am I have explained to everyone what is going I am very heartbroken. This has gone on for 5 days now. I have been getting really disturbing name calling and threatening messages from many many people and sense day 1 I explained everything. And it still don't stop I feel totally bullied in this and I miss my baby so much as it is and I have tried to stay strong so my hubby and I can try in see if we get a second chance our rainbow baby. Riley will always always be our baby and my hubby and I have had so many regrets from the day we lost our Riley in August. Our baby was 17 weeks we tried for that baby for 9 very long and stressful year in and out of doctors trying ivf and then we were told the worst news someone who would give anything to have a family could ever hear. We were told that we would never be able to have children but then 9 years later and not even 2 months after our wedding day we found the best news ever in our entire lives that we were PREGNANT!!!! We lost our baby at 17 weeks 😞 when we lost our baby the whole time giving birth and everything I was so heartbroken I balled the whole time and hid my face under my gown. We choose not to see our baby and have the baby cremated and put in an angel garden. We regret that day so much. Well a few months back we received a letter and photos in the mail. They were suppose to be photos of "our baby" as bearaved parents we believed it and were so happy we finally knew. It also helped me cope a lot. We have never been through this before so we didn't question it. We had a tough pregnancy and my hubbys family were pretty cruel when I was pregnant. One of his family members whiched our baby would die. Well 4 days ago our world was turned upside down Again. Thats when we found out some heartless person played this sick joke on us. I am so heartbroken 😢" (instead of adding more screenshots, I just copy & pasted this message)

Ok, there's is so very much wrong with her story!! First of all, ANYONE with common sense will know no hospital in this world will randomly send out a package to someone, especially not one with a baby's photos that has passed away! You have to give written consent AND a photo ID to receive the pictures; and pick them up in person! Also, if she chose not to see her angel, the hospital isn't going to take pictures for you 'in case' you change your mind! She claimed she contacted the hospital only AFTER Laura told her the baby's photos were hers & that the hospital told her they did not send the package. So, when I read this bogus story, I asked to see proof of the so called letter she received as did Laura; we both were denied proof for first one reason then another! April claimed the hospital had the 'package' she received because it's under investigation. That's wrong too. IF this was to really happen, the hospital wouldn't have the package, the POLICE would!! I was told it wasn't my business & my support page wasn't supportive of her & I was turning my back on a grieving mother. Now, let me clarify something: at first, I didn't question whether she'd lost a baby; I questioned her story as to how she ended up with photos that didn't belong to her! And I'm sorry but no one with a shred of common sense would believe that story! Anyway, I spent the next 2-3 days arguing back & forth with April, her husband & April's mother. The ONLY two people that came to her defense was her mother & husband! I decided at this time to allow April to stay on my pages until this was sorted out; with the promise that she would keep me updated on the situation. I was not updated, only told lie after lie! So, in the meantime, I began my own investigation. April told me that she thought her in laws sent her the 'package' as a cruel joke because they hate her. So I decided to message the women April was blaming everything on. And boy did I learn A LOT!! 

I was told that not only was April never even pregnant, but that she cannot get pregnant due to thyroid issues!! April sent me another message after I said to her 'if you have found out your husbands cousin done this for sure, you should have proof now, show me proof.' In her next message, she told me the same story, that the hospital has the evidence & that she did not owe me an explanation & that it was between her & Laura. So, I decided it was time to ban her. This was yesterday, May 9, 2016, nearly 3 weeks after the initial message I received warning me about April! I sent April a message telling her I was banning her & why. Laura sent me photos of her angel, Finley, and the photos April was using as Riley & they were identical. I'm not going to share them here, on my public blog & risk Laura's photos being stolen again, but they were identical!! I had plenty of proof that April was lying but none that she was telling the truth or even telling a piece of the truth! So, I made the decision to ban her as to protect the thousands of angel Mother's on my page. And a wise decision that was!! When I woke up today, I had an inbox message from a friend that owns another support page & she told me that April had sent her page a message about me:

Apparently, April is now messaging every support page on Facebook with this same message. When I told her I was banning her, I told her my best advice to her was to leave all support pages because I would see to it that they know the truth about her & what she's doing. So she took it upon herself to try & be ahead of me & message them herself! But all she's done is made herself look suspicious! If I had received that message from her, the very FIRST thing I would do is go to the person she says is harassing her & see why they think she's a fake! And that's exactly what the owners of these pages she's messaging are doing! And I CAN provide proof of what I'm saying! April cannot! Because let me tell you, no one is going to just make that up about someone! When I hear about a fake, I give the person a chance to explain themselves first, before banning them! Because I know people do evil things out of spite all the time. But if the story does not add up to me, and April's does not add up, I make the best decision for my fans sake & for my page & ban them. If someone is being called a fake, THERE IS A REASON FOR IT!!! She's leaving out the fact that I let her stay on my page for nearly 3 weeks AFTER finding out about her! And only banned her after she wouldn't tell me the truth! She's saying I've 'harassed' her for over a month! How is that possible when I've only known about it since April 22nd & today is May 10th?!?! And I'm sorry but banning someone for stealing an angels photos IS NOT HARASSMENT!!! Taking up for a fellow angel mother IS NOT HARASSMENT!!! And furthermore, I DO have the right to ask for proof since I spend my VERY VALUABLE TIME on graphics for this girl, I've sent her cards on holidays & ornaments! I've done my fair share of supporting April; until I was blatantly lied to!! I don't play that crap!! Also, she did NOT block me! I banned her husband & mother the day it happened. And when they could no longer message me on my pages, they searched me on Facebook & found my personal page & her husband, Lyle, sent me a message! After this, I blocked her & him from my personal page!! I done the blocking AND banning, not them!! I am the one being harassed, not them!! Sending support pages slandering messages about me is harassment!! I'm not the one doing that, THEY ARE!! That is harassment!! If this was being said about me, I would be showing every piece of proof I have, if I was being accused of stealing someone's photos I would prove I did not do it! April is refusing because she HAS NO PROOF BECAUSE SHE IS LYING!!  To make it worse, more people have come forward saying she also stole their photos as well!! So this is not the first time she's done this before! Between she & her husband, I found FOUR profiles for them on Facebook. That's not including the ones under aliases. This girl is absolutely INSANE! If you come in contact with her, please do yourself a HUGE favor & don't walk but RUN away from her!! 

So, April, keep digging your hole! But remember, each message you send these pages is another slander charge I can press against you! You are only making yourself look crazy & suspicious! These ladies you are messaging are coming to me for the story & I tell the truth & provide PROOF of what I'm saying! You cannot provide proof that you're telling the truth! Because you are not telling the truth! Face it, you're done! Sending these pages messages will not change the fact that you stole another angel Mother's photos! Slandering my good name will not change it either. No amount of messages will make your pathetic story true. You are NOT an angel mother. You are not a grieving mother getting her feelings hurt! LAURA IS!! Laura, the one that was stolen from, she is the victim here, not you!! You are harassing ME! Me writing this blog is a way of defending myself & proving that you're lying! It's my job to support angel parents & you are not an angel parent! And you can bet your ass that I will continue to help Laura in ANY WAY THAT I CAN!! It's my job as the supporter to back up those wronged! I wouldn't be a good admin or person if I didn't warn others! That is not harassment! Not in any way!! There have been many fakes before April & unfortunately she won't be the last one! And they're all the same! The same lies. The same 'woe is me' stories! I gave her ample opportunity to prove me wrong & with each passing day she just proved me RIGHT! And she continues to do so with every message she sends out. I have thousands of beautifully, AMAZING women behind me & when this is all over I will still be standing! April will not! I'm currently working on my own slander charges against her! I want to thank all of the ladies that sent me screenshots of the message she's sending everyone! This is my proof of what she is doing! I don't know why she thought that no one would tell me what she's doing! 

So, I needed to clear my name & that's why I've written this blog about April Severson. Please feel free to inbox me on my Facebook page if anyone has ANY questions at all!! I do have more proof but it would've been an extra long blog so I only included the 'to the point' proof. I have hateful messages her husband sent me calling Laura selfish for telling me about this. I have more messages from the husbands cousin that knows them well as she's family. And last but not least, I will include a flier that's been posted at April's local hospital warning others about her. So, please don't hesitate to message me if you want more information & if you admin a page she has messaged about me! I want to thank all of my wonderful fans for sticking by me & taking up for me!! I'd be lost without you all!! Let this be a warning to anyone that tries to screw over an angel mother: you will have an army after you because we stick together!! Please take a moment & share this blog, especially if you own/admin a support page! I strongly recommend banning her immediately before she can steal from anyone else!! 

The flier that is posted in April's local hospital. 

Rules for the Mother's Day Card Exchange

Hello! Welcome to the SBAPLA Mother's Day Card Exchange Program! Mother's Day is on Sunday, May 8, 2016. Mother's Day is on a different day in the UK. But since I live in the USA, the program will be done on the USA Mother's Day. Please read this blog for the rules and important information regarding the program. Such as deadlines & how the program works.

How the program works:

Each person that signs up will be required to purchase OR make two Mother's Day greeting cards. NO GIFT IS REQUIRED! You will receive two names & addresses chosen for you by me. You will send the two greeting cards to the two names sent to you. That's it. It's pretty simple.

Postage and card prices:

If you are within the USA, and the names you have are also inside the USA, the cost of postage is 49¢ per stamp. So, altogether (postage only) will be 98¢ for two stamps. If you have one person outside of the USA, the cost is either 3 stamps for one card, or if you take it to the post office, you pay $1.10. It's easier just to put 3 stamps on it. If you are in the UK, please contact your local post office or mailing service to check postage prices. I don't want to give the wrong info. But someone told me that the cost to send a card to the USA was £1.25. But, like I said, please check to make sure. In the USA, if you choose to purchase the cards, they can be bought very cheap. Dollar General & Family Dollar store sell the cards for as little as 50¢-$2.00. 

Deadlines:

*If you are in the USA, and the person you have is outside the USA, your card to them can go out anytime before our Mother's Day, which is Sunday, May 8, 2016. Uk's Mother's Day is different but we still want the cards there by our Mother's Day.

*If you live within the USA and the person/people you have are also within the USA, you are to have the cards mailed out by Wednesday, May 4, 2016. This is to ensure that the card gets to them by Mother's Day, NOT after. 

*If you live in the UK and you have someone in the USA, which most of you will because not many people from the UK signed up, you'll need to have your cards mailed out no later then Thursday, April 28, 2016. 

If for some reason you can't send your cards out by these deadlines, please let me know. This way if I'm asked by your person, I can let them know that it's coming, just late. 

Important information:

If you join the program, you must honor this commitment! The biggest problem I run into with my card programs is people dropping out without notifying me. This has to stop. I know that a card doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is. And when someone is looking forward to receiving one, especially an angel mother on Mother's Day, and then they don't get one, it's very disappointing! Especially when they have sent their cards out, on time. Mother's Day is an important holiday for angel mothers. In a world that would rather us not speak about our angels, it's hard for us to be recognized as a mother, unless we have living children. And that's not fair!! So, when we are recognized by someone as being a mother, it's very satisfying. I had one Mother's Day in between my angels & my first living baby & it was very hard! I WAS a mother, even if my baby wasn't with me! So, please, this is VERY important! 

I wish that I could send everyone that joins a card, but I cannot do that. So, I depend on all of you that sign up to do what you agreed to do. 

If you need to drop out:

I understand that life happens, often times unexpectedly. If something comes up & you need to do out, please notify me! This is the number one most important rule! Please understand that by telling me, I can give your names to someone else or I can pick them up myself. You don't have to tell me why, you just simply inbox me on the fan page, and say I need to drop out. That's it. 

HOWEVER, if you drop out AFTER the deadline to have the cards sent out by, even if you tell me, you will be banned from any future programs. I say this because if something happens AFTER the deadline, it wouldn't affect the program had you sent the cards out on time in the first place. If you drop out WITHOUT notifying me, you will be banned from any future programs I have. And I take this VERY seriously! 

If you know, from the start, that you won't be able to purchase or make two greeting cards & purchase two stamps, please don't sign up. This puts me in a very tough position. I'm the one that has to attend to the hurt feelings of the ones that didn't receive a card. Don't take on more than you can handle. You & your family always comes FIRST! If you're not financially able to do the program, don't join. There will be other exchanges in the future & you can always join one of them. If you need to drop out, notify me as soon as possible!!

Fan page address on Facebook:

Please refer to the fan page for updates & posts. If you haven't already, please go over & like the page. Also, when you receive your cards, please feel free to send me a photo & I'll upload it to the page as a thank you to the person that sent it. The address to the Facebook page is: 

www.facebook.com/HolidayCardExchange. 

In closing:

I hope that everyone that joins finds comfort in the program. I hope it helps you in your grief in some way! I look forward to the start of the program!

Much Love to you all!!
Toni

Reflections: One Year Later

Today marks one full year since my beautiful fiancé was ripped from my life, while we slept. One full year since he's told me 'I love you, baby'. Or felt his kiss on my lips. One full year since I last felt complete; mind, body & soul. 

Here starts the rant......

I got on Facebook to post a photo & talk a little about how bad he is missed & how much he is still loved when I seen something that has truly pissed me the fuck off!! Of course some of his family members, most notably his sister, Latosha, had posted a thing of her own. In this post, she talked about missing him & how much she loved him, which is all fine & dandy, whatever. But on down into the post, she said a few things I'm very pissed about. First and foremost, she said 'one year ago today, I had to identify my brothers body.' THAT is such total & utter BULLSHIT!!! She made the same comment the day he passed away. When she arrived at our house, she was on the phone with her 'mother' and I heard her say, 'mom, I've gotta go. I've gotta identify his body.' Of course, I was way too caught up in my grief to say anything back then. You know, whatever makes her feel better. But now, a year later, she's still saying she had to identify his body & it's time to stop telling that fucking lie! I identified him! ME and ONLY ME. The absolute ONLY reason I was legally obligated to contact her, other then Doug & I not being married, was so she could call a funeral home to release his body to. I was standing there when the officer that was here that day told her that! Before she arrived, I had already given them his full name, birthday, social security number, address, phone number, medical history & any other info they needed to know about him! Not one single word of that was provided by her!! Never once did the officer even say to her, 'is this man your brother?' She was told she did not have to come to our house; all she had to do was call a funeral home to come pick his body up. She could've done that over the fucking phone! When she FINALLY arrived after we'd waited over an hour & a half for her to come, she ASKED if she could look at him, NO ONE told her to look, nor was she told or asked to identify his body! She was told yes she could see him, but not to touch him in any way. I wasn't told not to touch him!! But she was acting so ignorant, threatening to beat my ass, and acting a fucking fool, actually told an officer of the law that it was my fault he died because I bought his alcohol for him!! I mean WHAT THE FUCK, TOSHA?!?! Does she even know how ignorant she sounded AND looked having said that to an officer that knows that's the dumbest thing any human being has ever muttered!! Of course he paid absolutely NO ATTENTION to her saying that. Because any person with a tiny shred of intelligence knows you cannot blame someone's alcoholism on anyone but the alcoholic person! I've said it a million times before & I'll say it again, instead of placing all of the blame on me, take the blame for your own part in him drinking! Ignorant bunch of fools!! 

Don't get me wrong, I didn't have any preconceived notions that today would be easy because I knew someone would post some kind of lie & piss me off! Or some kind of 'we love you so much' bullshit, when none of them bothered to tell him that when he was living! She also said at one point that she never got the chance to tell him how proud she was of him! REALLY?! Because ALL I ever heard was how disappointed you were of him for drinking. Quick to point out the flaws but not commenting on the things he was doing right! Like trying to stop. The reason for him being in the hospital the week before he passed away. He WAS TRYING no matter what any of those judgmental assholes think they know, he was trying.  

Anyway, back to the point. Latosha did NOT have to identify Doug's body!! She viewed his body because she asked if she could!! It may sound petty that I'm so mad about this particular lie. However, I am the one that found him, me & our kids! I had the incredibly hard, painfully excruciating task of calling 911 in sheer panic while my kids stood there looking at Doug's body asking me why he won't wake up. I'm the one that went through the hardest part of the process, or so I thought at the time. And since day ONE, I've been treated as if I were no one to Doug but the girl that bought his fucking alcohol! Like I didn't even know him well enough to tell the officer who he was! I refuse to continue justifying mine & Doug's relationship to a bunch of ignorant fucks that wouldn't know real love if it sat on their faces!! No, what I'm mad about is this bullshit lie that she 'had to' identify his body!! As awful as it was, that moment belongs to me & my kids, no fucking body else!! Just like the last year of his life belongs to us. Unlike everyone else, we stuck by him until the bitter end! They may have ripped him from us after he died out of pure hatred, guilt & spite but I will be damned if they will take away my final moments with him & tell ridiculous lies for no fucking reason but to make themselves look & feel better!! Fuck that & fuck her!!! I don't get to, in his sisters words, pretend that Doug is off somewhere miles away living his life. I don't have that luxury! I found him & I relive that nightmare every single day when I wake up. Every single day! Their nightmare is my reality. It's easy for all of them to move on because they had nothing to do with him when he was living! Outta sight, outta mind, right?! All that 'love' that appeared only after he's gone. I'm sure he would've loved to know just how loved he was by his so-called 'family' while he was alive. I didn't do that though. I was with him everyday. All day.

I've spent the last year missing him & wanting him back, praying I would just wake up from an awful nightmare & he'd still be here. But it never happens. He's gone. Really gone. One year later, that pain is still very real. Though time has eased my suffering, the want, albeit NEED, to have him back never ceases. I can't do anything to bring him back now. But what I can do is call out the lies being told in my own defense & in Doug's defense. He would be so mad about everything that's been done to us. And had I followed HIS wishes, none of them would've been called when he passed away! The week before he died when we were talking about Tosha being so mad at me for not telling her he was in the hospital, he said to me, and I quote, "don't call that bitch if I do die!" The truth will set you free but first it's gonna piss you off!! A year ago, everyone in that horrid family said whatever they could to try & hurt me. But when I say the TRUTH, I get asked, 'how could you say that to a grieving mom? How could you say my brother hated me? How could you? How could you?!' It's easy. I'm telling the truth. Y'all are grasping at straws to try & convince me that Doug didn't really love me or that I'm the one that didn't really know Doug when you didn't know us as a couple. And the one of you that did know us, is just lying to herself! FUCKING PATHETIC!! No, I DO know the real Doug. You know the 18 year old Doug. Not the man he was when he passed away! Alcohol did NOT define him as a person! Dicks!!! 

So, I'll let them carry on lying to themselves about what really happened. And I'll carry on telling the TRUTH! I will spend everyday defending him & us if I have to. This ends, today. I'm sick with grief still a year later. And they carry on as if nothing happened. How nice that must be!! I lived & breathed Doug. He was my entire life. I don't care if it was only for a year! That fact made it any easier to deal with. But the ones that knew him for 27 years are dealing with it better then the ones that only knew him 12 months! In what world is that normal?! Apparently in their world it's acceptable! Like I said, outta sight, outta mind! 

Marily Monroe said it best: They'll only love you after you're gone. 

Just a few of our MANY beautiful memories! Something that no amount of lies will EVER take away!! 

Rules for the Third Annual Valentine's Day Card Exchange

Welcome to the Third Annual SBAPLA Valentine's Day Card Exchange Program! First, before you read any further, if you know you will not be able to purchase or make two Valentine's Day cards & two stamps, please do not join. If you can, please continue reading. Here I will explain how the program works & try & answer your questions.

**What you'll need to do:

To participate, as stated above, you'll need to purchase a minimum of two Valentine's Day cards & two postage stamps (if your names are within the states. If outside the states, you'll purchase six stamps, three for each card). You may ask for more than two names but each person is only required to send out two cards. GIFTS ARE NOT REQUIRED. You may send one but you do not have to. You can also make your cards. Some people find this cheaper, easier & more fun anyway. The addresses will be chosen & provided by me. If you would prefer not to receive religious cards, please specify this when you sign up. If you'd like to stay within your own country, please specify this as well. Please note, I'll try my best to honor that request, but it can't always be done. Especially if you're outside the states because most of the people that sign up are in the states.

**Sign ups & deadlines to have the cards sent out by:

Sign ups started on January 1, 2016. The deadline to sign up by will be Friday, January 15, 2016. I will begin emailing and/or inboxing the addresses to everyone on Monday, January 18,2016. If the names given to you are outside of your country, the cards must be mailed out by Monday, February 1, 2016. If they are within your own country, they must be mailed out by Friday, February 5, 2016. We want the cards to get there BEFORE Valentine's Day, NOT AFTER.

**If you haven't participated in any card exchanges of mine in the past:

If this is your first time participating in one of my card exchange programs, you'll need to either email me or inbox me on the fan page for the program. The link to the fan page is below. My email address is mamasbby84@aol.com.

Please send me the following info when you email me:

1. Your first & last name
2. Your mailing address with NO ABBREVIATIONS.
3. Your angels name (optional)

Also include, as stated above, if you would rather not receive religious cards. If it's too hurtful for your angels name to be on card, just don't include his/her name.

**If you have participated in past exchanges:

If you've participated in the past, all you have to do is tell me you'd like to join. I have all the addresses of everyone that's participated already. If your address has changed since the last exchange, please notify me via email or inbox message on Facebook.

**What happens if you need to drop out:

Dropping out IS acceptable. I know that things happen, oftentimes unexpectedly. If you find you need to drop out, please notify me so that I can give your names to someone else or pick them up myself. If you drop out & you do notify me, you WILL be allowed to join future programs. If you do NOT notify me, you'll be banned from all future programs. If you send me a message AFTER the deadline to have your cards out telling me you need to drop out, this will be unacceptable! If something happens after the deadline, that's no excuse. Because had you sent your cards out on time, this wouldn't effect anything. Please only join if you're serious about it. This is very important! We don't want to hurt an angel mothers feelings on an already difficult day. Any holiday can be difficult without our angel babies! Even Valentine's Day! 

**What is NOT acceptable:

E-Cards are NOT acceptable! Real cards are more personal and that's what's required for this program. 

**Facebook address for the fan page:

Please like the page for the card exchange program & visit it often. I will post updates & important info on the page. Also, sending me a photo of the cards you receive is greatly appreciated. I'll post the photo on the page as a thank you to the person that sent it. It would also be appreciated if you'd at least let me know when you've received your cards. 

Thank you to everyone that signs up! I hope you all enjoy the program! 

The link is www.facebook.com/HolidayCardExchange.

Reflections, 10 months later

Today it was 10 months since our Doug was taken from us. It's also, coincidentally, a year since Doug & I took what would end up being our last photos together. A big huge fuck you to Facebook for reminding me of that today! His 10 month angelversary also got me to thinking from a different perspective. 

One year ago today, I didn't realize that I was only being allowed 2 more short months with my soulmate. It's heartbreaking to think of it that way. We were quickly running out of time & didn't realize it. God, it's been 10 months & all I've got to do is walk into my living room & I'm immediately transferred back in time to 7:30 am on March 10th. I'm standing over him with my worst fear realized: my Doug was dead. DEAD! What the fuck?! How could this actually be happening?! HOW?!?! I mean I know I told him everyday, while arguing over his constant need to be wasted, that he wouldn't live to see 30 if he kept up what he was doing! And, don't get me wrong, I normally love being right! 'Don't drink that entire bottle! You're gonna regret doing that, Doug!' 'Don't throw all of the movies out in the yard in a drunken rage! You'll regret it when none of them will work any longer!' But I did not want to be right about THIS!! I'd give ANYTHING to have had him prove me wrong this one time! If he could, I know he'd say, 'I should've listened to you, baby!' As he always did if I was right about something. I guess the worst part is, the night before he died, we had a TWO HOUR LONG conversation about how I didn't want to wake up & find him dead! That if I found him dead, the kids would find him dead! I asked him if that's what he wanted. I said that will fuck us up for life; not to mention I'm sure your crazy ass family would blame me! (Yes, isn't it ironic! Because those crazy assholes DO blame me, as stupid as it is!!) Normally when I said this to him, he'd respond by saying, 'nothing's going to happen to me! I've drank more then this in one night & didn't die!' But this night, he said, 'no baby, I don't want that to happen!' I felt like I shouldn't have ever said that to him! But I had no idea it would happen that night. God, hindsight really is 20/20!! It's like I knew from the time I met him that our relationship would be short-lived. But I guess, deep down, I thought if he does die, it'll be years from now! Because it takes longer then 8 years for alcohol to kill you, right?!?! I know so many alcoholics that have drank every day of their lives & are still kickin it at 50+ years old! But, they don't drink vodka everyday. They mix it up a bit; bear & liquor only  occasionally. Doug was not like that; it was vodka & it was every single day. 

God knows, I didn't want it this way. I stupidly though we had our whole lives left. I stupidly thought he had all the time in the world to get better! He was trying. He didn't want to be that way! I mean, who the fuck would want albeit choose to live their life that way?! No one!! He would cry & tell me he didn't want to be like that! And, for any idiot that may read this & think or say, 'he wasn't trying! He drank the night before he died!' Fuck you! That don't mean he wasn't trying! Get off of your fucking high horse! People slip; make mistakes! It all goes back to the point: it was his time to go. Nothing I did or didn't do would've saved him. And as much as I wanted to, I couldn't fix him. Any 'Godly' person knows that God knows from the moment you are conceived when he will reclaim his gift to us. He knew when Bonnie conceived him 29 years ago that he was going to take him back on March 10, 2015. He would only be allowed 27 precious years in this life until he was to move on to the next. One month & 7 days shy of his 28th birthday. Forever 27. 

He didn't lie to me. He did stay with me for his forever! We ran out of time far too soon! Not a day goes by; hell, not a second goes by that he's not on my mind. Not a second goes by that I don't wish things were different! Lord knows, if I could change what happened, I WOULD!! It breaks my heart in half! Not only for myself but for my kids. They still talk about him every single day! 

One things for sure, the love I have for him is all consuming! And I'll love him until my own forever! His beautiful face is imprinted in my mind. I see it every time I close my eyes. No matter where this life will lead me, he will come along. His pictures are still up everywhere in my house. I still have everything he owned. Most still where he left it! The food we cooked the night before he died is STILL in my fridge, 10 months later!! I'll throw it out when I'm ready. Unlike some assholes, I won't sweep him under a rug & remember him as a 17 year old high school kid! I remember him for the beautifully, amazing man his alcoholism clouded. I seen through it. 

I love you, my Doug. Always have. ALWAYS WILL. 

Love,

Your Toni Williams 

One year ago today!

Picture he took of himself that night, after I went to bed, lol! 

Rules for the Third Annual Christmas Card Exchange Program

Welcome to the Third Annual SBAPLA Christmas Card Exchange Program! First, before you read any further, if you know you will not be able to purchase or make two Christmas cards & two stamps, please do not join. If you can, please continue reading. Here I will explain how the program works & try & answer your questions.

**What you'll need to do:

To participate, as stated above, you'll need to purchase a minimum of two Christmas cards & two postage stamps (if your names are within the states. If outside the states, you'll purchase six stamps, three for each card). You may ask for more than two names but each person is only required to send out two cards. GIFTS ARE NOT REQUIRED. You may send one but you do not have to. You can also make your cards. Some people find this cheaper, easier & more fun anyway. The addresses will be chosen & provided by me. If you would prefer not to receive religious cards, please specify this when you sign up. If you'd like to stay within your own country, please specify this as well. Please note, I'll try my best to honor that request, but it can't always be done. Especially if you're outside the states because most of the people that sign up are in the states.

**Sign ups & deadlines to have the cards sent out by:

Sign ups started on October 1, 2015. The deadline to sign up by will be Friday, November 20, 2015. I will begin emailing and/or inboxing the addresses to everyone on Monday, November 23, 2015. If the names given to you are outside of your country, the cards must be mailed out by Friday, December 11, 2015. If they are within your own country, they must be mailed out by Friday, December 18, 2015. We want the cards to get there BEFORE Christmas NOT AFTER. 

**If you haven't participated in any card exchanges of mine in the past:

If this is your first time participating in one of my card exchange programs, you'll need to either email me or inbox me on the fan page for the program. The link to the fan page is below. My email address is mamasbby84@aol.com. 

Please send me the following info when you email me:

1. Your first & last name
2. Your mailing address with NO ABBREVIATIONS.
3. Your angels name (optional)

Also include, as stated above, if you would rather not receive religious cards. If it's too hurtful for your angels name to be on card, just don't include his/her name. 

**If you have participated in past exchanges:

If you've participated in the past, all you have to do is tell me you'd like to join. I have all the addresses of everyone that's participated already. If your address has changed since the last exchange, please notify me via email or inbox message on Facebook.

**What happens if you need to drop out:

Dropping out IS acceptable. I know that things happen, oftentimes unexpectedly. If you find you need to drop out, please notify me so that I can give your names to someone else or pick them up myself. If you drop out & you do notify me, you WILL be allowed to join future programs. If you do NOT notify me, you'll be banned from all future programs. If you send me a message AFTER the deadline to have your cards out telling me you need to drop out, this will be unacceptable! If something happens after the deadline, that's no excuse. Because had you sent your cards out on time, this wouldn't effect anything. Please only join if you're serious about it. This is very important! We don't want hurt an angel mothers feelings on an already difficult holiday.

**What is NOT acceptable:

E-Cards are NOT acceptable! Real cards are more personal and that's what's required for this program. 

**Facebook address for the fan page:

Please like the page for the card exchange program & visit it often. I will post updates & important info on the page. The link is www.facebook.com/HolidayCardExchange. 

Thank you to everyone that signs up! It's because of you that this is possible! I look forward to a wonderful holiday season! I hope you all will enjoy the program! 

A great need to vent

I'm going to write an entire blog strictly as a way to vent. At times, I may sound like an ungrateful bitch. BUT, I'm really NOT!! I just need to get some things out that are discouraging me. Everyone knows that I have an organization called Kaylea's Little Pieces Of Heaven. I send out bears to angel mothers in memory of my own two angels. See, I wanted to do something good; something that wouldn't cost a dime for the mothers that I help. I've seen so many 'organizations' that in the beginning start for the right reasons. But somewhere down the line, their organization takes off & their heads get big. Their egos grow with their organizations. I didn't want to become like those people. Because, you see, every charitable organization starts out at the bottom, where I am. But once they grow, prosper, they look down on us little people just trying to help & just starting out. You have those types. Then, there's the next type that when ego & arrogance come, morals go. Straight out the window. Then they claim all proceeds go towards some made up charity. They claim to hand make jewelry that they know they aren't hand making! They charge severely over the top prices for something you could make yourself. They send the same types messages to everyone that contacts them. They turn their backs on angel parents if they disagree with one tiny thing they do or rather don't do. And it never ceases to amaze me how many people fall into that trap over & over again! Trust. How do you gain it? Do you gain it by not charging a single dime for any service you offer? Do you tell the truth & send the product out when you say you will do so? Do you put countless hours of your free time into hand making puzzle pieces? Do you always interact with your fans on a personal level & tell them you're sorry for their loss & call their baby out by name so it doesn't sound like the same pre-typed message sent to everyone? Because all of these are things I do. Daily. I charge for absolutely nothing that I do. I give the option to everyone to purchase their bear but it is NOT necessary nor is it required! I do my best to offer advice & support to any angel mother that needs it. I spend every second of my free time either making bears or graphics, answering inbox messages & several other things. Yet, these assholes, such as Kerin Lee, for example, screw over just about everyone that comes to her for help!! I've never ever done the things to people she has done & yet I can't get help, can't get anywhere with what I'm doing. I have never, not once took money from someone that decided to pay for their bear & not actually send it out. I ship every paid for bear out on the next business day! Have I not proved that I'm trustworthy?!?! Yet those that are in NO WAY trustworthy, receive donation after donation. They are actually able to sell everything they can, down to a rubber bracelet!! I couldn't give them away!! 

I'm not asking to be put on a pedestal or to be told I'm great for what I'm doing. However, a simple 'thank you' is greatly appreciated! Half of the time, I have to send a message asking if they've received their bear because I never hear back from them. I notify everyone when I've shipped out their bear. Most don't even respond. I shipped out bears recently, and not one person has told me they've received it yet. The estimated arrival day was 2 days ago. I work very hard on these bears! Now granted I have a long wait list. I have no way of telling them when they'll receive their bear. The people that are receiving bears now requested 2 years ago. They know what happened & why they're just now getting their bear. HOWEVER, none of the ones going out were paid for. So, they were aware that it will take time to send them. But everyone knows this when they go on the wait list. I tell everyone the same thing when they request a bear: there's an unspecified wait time but if you pay $10 or at minimum pay shipping costs, your bear will be shipped out on the next business day. Not once have I not sent out a paid for bear on the next business day!! When I first started my mission, in 2012, I started out on Twitter. I come across a few places that offered FREE keepsakes for angel parents. I requested a really cute wooden block from Maura's Mission & a rosary from Harper's Rosaries. These were free items. It took a few months to receive them. But, did I once message the lovely ladies making the keepsakes & ask them why I haven't received them yet?!?! Absolutely NOT. Why? Because they were free!! Now, had I paid for them, of course I would've been asking where they were. Let's face it, a 12 week or more wait time for an item that you paid shipping prices on is RIDICULOUS!! And people know when they sign up that I have no way of knowing when they'll receive their bear. Yet, I still get people that will place a request today & next week at this time will send me rude messages asking why they haven't received their bear yet & when they'll receive it. Now, don't get me wrong. Not everyone is this way & that is why I continue doing it. The good far outweighs the bad!! And I'm very grateful for all of my dedicated fans!! They are what makes this worth all the hassle. I just need to vent every now & then!! 

I constantly had people asking me how could they donate. At that time, I had no way for them to donate. Now I do. I made a GoFundMe account. I decided to ask a few baby loss pages if they'd share my campaign & help me raise funds. Of course, because there are those people that lie on GoFundMe accounts to take money from people, no one wants to share it for me! I always have fellow angel parents inbox me & ask me to share things like their GFM page or their fan pages. I always do it! Any way that I can help, I'll do it. It's not a freaking competition! We're all working toward the same purpose! There are some, again, Kerin Lee, that will ban you for even asking her to share anything on her page. And you will for sure find yourself banned if you share it yourself! Yet these arrogant women continue to thrive in the baby loss community! I'll never understand it for the life of me! And I'm VERY grateful for the $255 I've received in the past almost two months, don't get me wrong! But no one I know personally, no family, no friends, have donated anything. It's been people I've met online through my Facebook pages. And to me, that's incredibly AMAZING!! People that don't even know me have donated their money to help me & that's just amazing to me!! But why when my friends know me personally & know that I do exactly as I say I'm going to do, why don't they help?! And like I said, I'm very grateful for what I have. But I don't understand why my own friends & my community don't want to help! 

I've tried twice now to hold a public event such as a balloon release and a remembrance walk. Both times, I've failed. I tried to get my local paper & news station to run a story & I've failed each time. They don't even tell me no but choose to just ignore my messages. Why is it so hard to get people to care about something so serious?!?! I was told, when comparing breast cancer & losing a child, that breast cancer gets so much attention because those that live are survivors & they want to shout that out. Do people not think us angel mommies are survivors as well?!?! We survived something no one should EVER have to endure: the death of our children!! WE ARE SURVIVORS!!! Survivors with unbelievable strength & courage! I'm not saying those that survive breast cancer aren't survivors & don't have strength & courage. I'm just saying that WE are survivors too! 

I feel like I'm trying incredibly hard to do the right thing. To simply prove that our babies matter. To break the silence, to spread awareness. But absolutely no one cares. The more I try to do, the further I fall behind. And I REFUSE to stoop down to the level of the slime that screw over people on their way to the top. No. I'm just going to start over. Start small. And hopefully, one day, I'll achieve what I started out to do 3 years ago.

I hope no one reading this takes offense to what I'm saying. I am forever grateful for every donation I've received, for every lovely person I encounter every single day, for every photo I receive of bears from happy & grateful customers! For every 'thank you' & every kind word said to me by wonderful women! I just wish everyone were so kind & grateful for the hard work I put into making these bears for everyone. For every dollar I spend of my own money to make them free for everyone. And I want to say a huge thank you to everyone that has helped in any way, big or small! From donating their hard earned money to simply sharing my campaign! THANK YOU!!!