At This time, ten years ago...

.....I laid in a hospital bed, waiting impatiently to have my first child. The impatience did not come from the normal joys of giving birth. No, beautiful cries would not be heard, this time. Instead, just a few hours earlier, I had been given the worst news I would ever receive in my life. Those three words every parent to be hopes they'll never have to hear: THERE'S NO HEARTBEAT!

I'm sitting here now reading my records for the whole day of Thursday, March 18, 2004. One sheet reads:

"A LIMITED OBSTETRICAL PELVIC ULTRASOUND WAS PERFORMED TO EVALUATE FOR FETAL DEMISE. NO FETAL CARDIAC MOTION OR COLOR MOTION IS IDENTIFIED WITHIN THE FETUS. NO FETAL MOTION IS SEEN. THE BPD WAS MEASURED AND CORRELATES WITH AN EGA (estimated gestational age) OF 21 weeks & 5 days. THE EXPECTED EGA IS 28 WEEKS BASED ON PRIOR ULTRASOUND. THERE IS VERY LITTLE AMNIOTIC FLUID IDENTIFIED.

"IMPRESSION: FETAL DEMISE IS DOCUMENTED."

These words, so cold & unnerving! As if my baby girl has been reduced to just another medical mishap. Another pregnancy loss statistic.

But, no, she was so much more than that! She was, IS MY DAUGHTER! She had life, inside my body. She grew, she moved, she was ALIVE! No matter what a piece of paper says, in those cold medical terms. Stop referring to my daughter as a fetus! She is a baby! Give her the respect she SO deserves! Do you not have a heart? A thread of compassion in your body? A Hippocratic oath you abide by, live by? You are a part of the worst news I will ever receive in my life! Respect that, if nothing else!

I'm only 19 years old, the best time in a person's life. But instead of preparing for my daughter's arrival, I'm laying in a hospital bed, planning a funeral for her! Silently praying that God would take me with her. I don't say instead of being out having fun like I should have been doing at 19 years old because Kaylea was not an accident! She was planned! But this, this was not planned! How can someone's life end before it even begins?! How can this be?! Was I being punished for something? What happened!? WHY WAS MY BABY TAKEN FROM ME BEFORE I EVEN HAD HER?! 

I'd do anything, give anything to know the answers to these questions. But, these, and many other questions, will go unanswered for the rest of my life. Some babies are just too good for this world! God seen Kaylea & thought she was so special that she wouldn't have to live a single day on this earth. She will never feel pain or have her heart broken. She will never know the pain that comes with loss. She's free. And I'm here, trapped inside my grief for her. This want, this need to have her here with me that will never, ever go away! The tears I cry when no one is around. The sadness I hide behind the words "I'm fine". This pulling inside my heart every single year, when the month of March arrives.

The love I have for my daughter will never be broken. It only grows stronger with each passing day. Nothing will ever change that! Years will pass, but my love is just as strong as it ever was!

At this time, I was begging God to change his mind. And if he won't change his mind to at least hurry the process along! I'm suffering. I'm hurting. Physically & mentally hurting! Just make it stop!! Again, this is something that would not come to pass. I still had another day to go.

Until tomorrow....

"Heaven and Earth may separate us, but nothing will ever change the fact that you made me a mother!"

About Graphic Requests on my Facebook Page

I've decided to do a blog for the fans on my Facebook page to read so there's no questions about how I do graphic requests. I ask that everyone read this blog so you'll all know & understand how I do the requests.

Firstly, when I upload a new graphic, there will be a few rules for everyone to read. Most of it is basic stuff. When I first started making graphics, I had no rules & things got completely out of hand. Sometimes there's only one graphic for everyone but most of the time, there's one for a girl, boy & one for angels that the sex was unknown. When it's three different graphics, you comment under the one you want. Pretty simple? You'd think so, but apparently not. I understand that, like me, a lot of my fans are only mobile & don't have a computer. Which is fine because I don't have a computer either. I ask that if you can't see or find where to make your request to inbox me on the page. Here, I'll break down each of the rules that I post & explain what I mean.

1. "Please comment under the graphic you want. Don't comment under the pink one asking for a blue one & vise versa." This is done so that I don't have to search for requests & guess which one you want. Also, if I take a guess sometimes I am wrong & then the fans send me hateful messages or comments over it. When the whole thing could've been avoided if the request was made properly.

2. "Please leave only your angels first name. Middle & last names & birthdays are not needed. (This won't apply every time)." I ask this so that I have enough time to do a graphic for everyone that wants one. Plus, all that info isn't needed for every graphic I do. If the graphic that's up is for a holiday, (Christmas, Easter, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving, etc.), I only ask for your angels first name. If middle & last names & birthdays are left, I still only use the first name. I do this because so many requests are made for the holiday graphics that it's quicker to use only the first name. I ask that everyone please understand this because I want everyone that wants one, to get one. This allows me the time to do one for everybody. Also, I get that most people give their angels a first and middle name. My angels name is Kaylea Blair. But when I ask for only the first name, and you leave first & middle, and tell me that's your angels name, I know that but that's not what I asked for. It's not that I don't want to recognize your angels full name, it's just quicker to use the first name only.

3. "Please don't comment under the album itself with a request." Please know that I only ask this because it helps me keep the requests in order. I don't have to search in a bunch of different places for the requests & I won't accidentally leave anyone out. If there is only one graphic in the album for request, and there's not a difference between one for a boy & one for a girl, I usually still do the ones left underneath the album. But when there's 3 different graphics for request, I don't know which one you want when you comment under the album itself. I know what you're thinking, "if it's a girls name, make the one for a girl & vice versa." Well, that sounds simple enough, but sometimes they want a purple one (the one usually used for unknown sex). So, still I have no idea which one you want if you comment under the album itself. I really hate not making a graphic request! And, to be honest, half the time, I still make them. I feel like I repeat this one rule over & over & no one even pays any attention to it.

4. "Please don't alter nor use my graphics without my permission. You can share them & you can use them as your profile picture." I've found quite a few of my graphics, used & alerted online. I've had a few fans show me where they've found them online. It's not fair nor right to claim someone else's work as your own. I spend a lot of time on my graphics & that needs to be respected.

5. "If requesting a graphic for an angel that is not your own, please have the parents permission & have the correct info." In the past, I've had a new girlfriend of an angels father request a graphic & after it was made & uploaded, the mother inboxed me, very upset about it. This puts me in a horrible position. I've had several of these situations occur in the past & it's not good! I know that it would make me so mad if my angels fathers new wife requested a graphic for MY angel without my permission. It would hurt me & piss me off! I have no way of knowing if the angel belongs to the person requesting. I can only trust that no one would put me in that position. I had another instance where a graphic was requested for an angel that didn't belong to the person requesting & they gave me the wrong birthday. And the parent cone after me over it. So not cool! So, please, don't put me in that awkward position.
6. "If you have more than one angel & you'd like their names on different graphics, please specify this by leaving each name in a separate comments." If the names are in one comment, I assume you'd like them on the same graphic. This causes unnecessary do overs to put the names on different graphics. It's time consuming & unnecessary.

I need everyone to understand that I have two living kids & I make the graphics in between my motherly duties & my everyday activities. By following these few rules, it allows me to take care of my family & still have time to take care of my page & make the graphics. Also, please know that I reserve the right to refuse to make a graphic due to rudeness or not following instructions. I'm not trying to be shitty or hateful, I'm just trying to explain why I do things the way I do. I want to be able to make everyone a graphic & by following the few rules I've made, you've allowed me to do just that.

I really enjoy making the graphics for everyone. I know how it feels to see your angels name on things. It means someone else is recognizing your angel & that's very important to a bereaved mother! All angels should be remembered! And as long as I'm here, they will be remembered! Please help me keep things simple & in order! Thank you, everyone, for your continued support of my page & the work I do!

About this time, ten years ago...

The ten year anniversary of my first child, my daughter, Kaylea, is coming up on March 20th. It's got me thinking, as it does every year, about the events that occurred in the two weeks before I had her.

It was about this time, ten years ago, that I last felt my baby girl move. I went to the hospital because I hadn't felt her move in at least a week. I had a regularly scheduled doctors appointment a week later but I didn't feel I could wait that long. So, my friend Samantha & her boyfriend (at the time) came and got me & we started to the hospital. When we arrived, I was told to go to the labor & delivery floor. So, that's where I went. When I got up to L&D, the nurses were immediately shitty to me. Very short & wouldn't listen to anything I was saying. They stick a Doppler to my stomach, pick up a heartbeat, and tell me my baby is fine. At this time, I was about 25 weeks pregnant. The nurse measured my stomach & told me I was only measuring 20 weeks pregnant. This should've set off an alarm inside her head. Especially when I told her I found out the sex 6 weeks earlier when I was 20 weeks pregnant! Still, an ultrasound was denied! Myself & my friend begged for an ultrasound, to no avail! I was told that Kaylea was laying in the transverse position & that was the explanation for why I was measuring 20 weeks. Which shouldn't have mattered, how she was laying. And the heartbeat they heard was my own heartbeat!

So, I was sent home, my mind racing even more than before I went to the hospital. I was there, begging for help, begging for an ultrasound. For some kind of proof that I was just overreacting. Instead, my feelings & concerns for my daughter's wellbeing was brushed off and chalked up to just 19 year old first time mother, that was just being overprotective & overreacting.

Now, I know in my heart that my baby was gone then. But perhaps, had they listened to me, I may not have nearly died having her.

I wish, so badly, that I could go back to that night. I would do so many things differently. I would not have left that hospital without an ultrasound. I would've fought for my baby girl with all my might. Because, after all, I was a first time mother. They convinced me that I was being irrational & overprotective. And I thought for a second that maybe they were right. But my heart told me differently. And my heart is what I listened to.

For the next week, until my scheduled doctor's appointment, I researched stillbirth. I tried preparing myself for what would come. What I knew in my heart awaited me. I begged God to change his mind & give her back to me. I said to God, "there's still time for you to give her back. I'll never know the difference if you give her life back to her before she's born!"

God may have heard me pleading & begging for my daughter's life, but he did not grant my wish. My tiny daughter's soul left her body & mine sometime during the two weeks before March 20, 2004. And all she left behind was an empty womb, a broken heart & tattered dreams. Dreams that would haunt me for the rest of my living days.

I miss her so much, that sometimes I can hardly breathe. And as soon as the month of March comes, it gets worse. I don't know. Maybe it's so bad now because this year marks an important milestone. Ten years is a long time. So, why does it still seem like it happened yesterday?!

Until next time.....

They say there is a reason
They say that time will heal.
But neither time nor reason
Will change the way I feel.

For no one knows the heartache
That lies behind my smile.
No one knows how many times
I've broken down and cried.

I want to tell you something,
So there isn't any doubt
You're so wonderful to think of
But so hard to be without!

They say memories are golden...

Last Monday, I went with my Mama to visit a patient of hers that was in the hospital. The hospital that we went to, just happened to be the hospital that I gave birth to my Kaylea at.

While at the hospital, I decided that, that would be the day that I get my records from my four day stay while having my daughter. The dates I was there was in 2004. So, they had been put into storage. I had to wait for them to be mailed.

I don't really know why I never got them before now. I know that this really happened to me, I know it's real. I have the scars to prove it. Not scars from stretch marks. No, mental scars that don't go away, no matter what. But I can't remember much of what happened due to the drugs I was administered. I thought maybe these papers would help me remember everything that happened during those four dreadful days. I had preeclampsia & was being given Magnesium sulfate to prevent seizures. I didn't feel sick when I arrived at the hospital. I knew, in my heart, that my baby was already gone, but I didn't feel sick. As soon as the first drop of Magnesium hit my veins, I felt like I was dying! As a result, I remember hardly anything that happened.

Today, the records arrived. I anxiously opened this thick envelope, hoping to give myself some clarity about the events that started on March 18, 2004.

I began with the first page of the records: my diagnosis. Written like this: intrauterine death, preeclampsia, breech presentation, mother with single stillborn.

I thought these papers would somehow make me feel better. But as I flipped through the pages, I found myself lying back in that hospital room hearing these things all over again. It hurt me down to my soul. I felt like my heart was literally breaking in half. I began crying, hysterically, as soon as I seen her precious name & the oh so medically termed words "fetal demise". Such an awful way to put it!

I also didn't think these records would have everything, word for word, that was said while I was there. At one point, in the nurses notes, it says, "patient crying asking her mother what she done wrong. Patient is assured that this is not a result of any action on her part." I had forgotten that I said that in my state of shock. They documented EVERYTHING!

I just wanted to read everything in my records. I wanted them to put with Kaylea's memory box. All this did was drudge up old feelings & emotions that I buried long ago.  Feelings that maybe I shouldn't have tried burying.

I thought maybe if I read everything in it that I'd find out something I didn't know or realize. I found out what every inch of the placenta looked like. I found out that I was indeed 28 weeks, not 27 weeks pregnant. I found out that I had very little amniotic fluid.

All of these feelings are now on the surface again as I'm approaching the ten year mark. I miss my angel Baby more than ever now. Viewing these papers, I'm afraid, open more wounds then it closed. I was awarded no closure in the matter, just more questions. The only relief I see is proof, documented proof, that my baby girl was here. She lived, if only inside my body, she DID live!

I got $35.00 worth of records. Pain. That will never go away, no matter how much time passes by. I miss her so bad that it hurts. Of course, I've found it easier to live with but it's a constant in my life. I think about Kaylea 23 hours of the day. I wish I had her here with me instead of a shelf with keepsakes on it. I cherish these mementos but my baby world be so much better. I yearn for what could have been and what SHOULD HAVE been! I am glad that I requested these records. If it's even possible, it made it real, even more than it is.

Kaylea, I will love you until I die! My sweet, precious angel!

"They say memories are golden, well maybe that's true. But I never wanted memories, I only wanted you"

The Future Of Me

Do you ever reminisce for a certain time in your life?

I'm not talking about the want to be a child again. Because, of course, most people wish they were children again. It's a much more innocent time. A time where we didn't have to worry about adult things, such as paying bills or fixing our cars when they break down. The biggest thing I had to worry about was the grade I was going to get on my upcoming government or geometry test.

No, I'm talking about a point in your adult life.

I've been thinking ALOT lately about when my son was a baby & right before he was born. Maybe I think of this time because it was the last point in my life where everything made sense to me. I made sense, my life made sense. I had only a year before buried my first baby, my daughter Kaylea & lost my second child due to a miscarriage just months before. But I was young, with my whole life in front of me! I was married to a man that I hoped I'd be married to for the rest of my life. We were expecting our third baby together. Since our first two went to Heaven instead of home with us, we were excited for this baby. Excited to have a baby in our arms instead of ONLY our hearts. At the time, I was eager and nervous and all I cared about was getting Gavin here safely. And that I did. If nothing else never went right again in my life, I had him, at the end of the day.

That time was perfect. I embraced the role of Mommy & wife. I played that role, very well! My husband and I had already split up twice in the 3 years we'd been married but I just knew that he wouldn't be able to leave Gavin. Maybe me, but not Gavin. And even though we weren't having problems, the thought was always in the back of my mind. The feeling that I'd come home one day & his stuff would be gone. As it had been in the past.

But that never happened! So, this time I knew things would be ok. For 15 months, my life was amazing.

But, why only 15 months? Why didn't I get a lifetime of happiness? Why didn't my husband stay with me & help me raise our two children together? Was I only worthy of 15 short months? Why am I left alone to explain to our children why they haven't seen their Daddy in 3 years? I have struggled with these questions for the past almost 8 years now. These same questions run through my brain a hundred times a day. I thought it would be a while before I had to explain these things to my kids. But my son asks everyday why his Daddy doesn't want to see him. My daughter doesn't really care right now because he's never really been in her life as he left me when I was 5 months pregnant with her. My Mama cut her cord when she was born. But Gavin, he wants to know these things. Do I flat out tell him the truth? Your Daddy chose a woman he'd met a week before over his family? And he still chooses her now? Because that's what I want to say! I want to tell him the truth.

Jeremy (my exhusband/childrens dad) is married to the woman he cheated on me with, the woman he left me for. They now have two children together plus one she had before him. So, he's raising a child his sons age that doesn't even belong to him. That breaks my heart in half, every single day. I watch our children do new, AMAZING things, everyday. Things he should be seeing as well. I'm so proud to call them my children!

Gavin is absolutely talented at baseball! He throws like a high school student & catches like a pro! Kenadi can draw & color so beautifully! She's so vibrant & full of life! So beautiful that it's a crying shame she's not a child model!

On the one hand, I get them all to myself! I don't have to share them with a deadbeat dad & an evil stepmom! An evil bitch that once FORCE FED my son hamburger! I don't have the added drama that is him & his baggage! But, on the other hand, I get the questions that I have no idea how to answer. I'm so afraid that my children are going to grow up & have the dreaded "Daddy issues". As of right now, they are fine. No problems. But will it stay this way? Another question I don't have the answer to!

I don't know what's bringing this up in me, lately. Maybe it's the fact that I'm less than six months away from being 30. Maybe the thought of dying alone is getting to me. I miss the security of being married. To being committed to one person. I miss the familiarity of it all. I hate to have to start over from scratch. I hate that my kids will have to grow up without their real Daddy. Without him in their lives at all.

They say that once you have kids, you'll never be lonely again. Whomever said that was so full of shit! Of course, I have my children. But I long for adult conversation. There's only so much you can say to an 8 & 6 year old! I try and throw myself into things so that I won't think about all of this. But it doesn't always work.

I'll never get away from these questions that haunt me everyday. They are like a bad habit that won't go away. I feel so incomplete. What did I do to deserve my life to be so Shitty? It's like there's something missing, somewhere.

I'm not naive. I do fully understand the reality of the situation. I may, very well die alone. I may never get married again. My children may go the rest of their lives not knowing their Daddy. I can live with that.

My hope for my future is that I can meet a nice man. A man that doesn't beat me, doesn't do drugs & doesn't steal from me. A man that will accept & love my babies as if they were their own children. I hope that my babies grow up into strong, independent adults that only depend on themselves for what they need. I hope that my future is filled with wonderful things & the grim will end, soon.

A girl can dream....

Until next tine....

Rules for Valentine's Day Card Exchange Program

Welcome to the SBAPLA Valentine's Day Exchange Program! As with the Christmas card exchange, I'm doing the rules & the way the program works here as it's much easier. I hope everyone will enjoy the Valentine's Day Card Exchange!

Below I will explain how the program works & the rules for participation.

How It Works:

This section may be changed, depending on the amount of people that sign up. As of now, each person will be required to purchase two Valentine's Day Cards. You will send each card to two different people chosen for you, by me. Each person may request more than the two people given to them. But, first, I'll send each person two names & addresses. Please note: some of you may receive more than two cards due to others requesting extra names. The cutoff date for sign ups well be Monday, January 20, 2014. Also, please remember, the only requirement is a card for each person. NO GIFT IS REQUIRED. You may send a small gift, if you so please, but it's NOT required!

Rules For Participation:

1. No one should drop out of the program without first notifying me! This is ALWAYS the most important rule! We do these programs to help other angel mothers during special holidays. I understand that things happen, sometimes unexpectedly. I just need to know so that I can give your names to someone else. Anyone that drops out, WITHOUT prior notification, will NOT be allowed to participate in any future programs. 

2. You are required to purchase two Valentine's Day Cards. I will provide you with two names & addresses to send those two cards to. This may change depending on the amount of people that sign up. You may request more if desired.

3. If the people chosen for you live outside of the country you are in, you will need to have their card mailed out by Monday, February 3, 2014. This is done to assure arrival by February 14, 2014.

4. If the person chosen for you lives within the same country as you are in, you will need to have their card mailed out by Friday, February 7, 2014. No later than Monday, February 10, 2014.

5. You must be an angel parent or family member to receive a card. You do not have to be an angel parent or family member to send a card. I do have a few supportive friends that want to send cards & who are active on my fan pages in support of an angel parent.

6. Please notify me if you'd like someone inside your own country. To send a card outside of the USA, your card will require three stamps instead of one. Or, you can take it to the post office & pay $1.10. I'm not quite sure about how much it is to send a card from the UK to the states. If I'm not mistaken, it's £1.25. I could be wrong but I think I seen on one of the Christmas cards I got the stamp had that amount on it.

This will NOT be a secret so you should include your name on the cards. The most IMPORTANT thing is to notify me if you decide to drop out. This can be done by emailing me at mamasbby84@aol.com or inboxing me on the fan page for the program. Anyone that drops out without notifying me first will not be allowed to participate in any future programs.

Rules are subject to change. If any changes are made, I will update everyone immediately. If you participated in the Christmas card program you won't have to Email me your mailing address. If you did NOT participate, you'll need to Email me with your mailing address & name. My Email address is listed above. You don't have to be invited to join the program. Anyone is welcome to join. I'd like for everyone that signs up to like the fan page for the program so updates are visible to everyone. If you know anyone that has lost a baby that you think would want to join, please direct them to the page. Or, if they're not on facebook, you can give me their name & address and I'll get her name out.

Below is the link to the fan page. Please, like the fan page for updates on the program.

www.facebook.com/HolidayCardExchange

Thank you, everyone, for your continued support of the program!!

Rules For Christmas Card Exchange Program

Welcome to the first annual Christmas Card Exchange Program! I hope all of you enjoy the program & that it brings you a little extra joy during the holiday season! I'm doing the rules & the way the program works here because it's a bit easier than updating the event since I'm on my phone.

Below, I will explain how the program works & the rules for participation.

How it works:

Each person that signs up will be required to purchase a minimum of three Christmas cards. I will select three different people for each person participating. You will send a card to each of the people selected for you by me. Please remember that a card for each person is the only requirement. No gifts are required. The minimum is three cards but if you'd like more, you can request more. The idea is that someone suffering the loss of a much wanted baby will receive a little extra joy during a difficult time of year: Christmastime. By getting cards from three different people, it gives the idea that someone else is thinking of you at a difficult time.

Rules for participation:

1. You should purchase three Christmas cards. Each card will be sent to a different person. The names & address will be provided by me.
2. To participate, you must have an angel baby or have been affected by the loss of a baby (grandparent, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, ect.). You can also be a friend that just wants to help. I have a few fans that are supportive friends of angel parents.
3. Sign up cut off date will be Monday, November 18, 2013.
4. If the person (or people) selected for you lives outside the country you live in, the cards are to be mailed out by Monday, *December 9, 2013.
5. If the person (or people) selected for you lives within your country, the cards are to be mailed out by Monday, December 16, 2013.
6. If you need to drop out of the program, please notify me via Email at mamasbby84@aol.com. I understand that unforseen circumstances can come up, life happens. I can take the people you have or find someone else to take them. Please remember, Christmas is a hard enough time without adding grief. We want to bring joy, not take it away.
7. Any type of card will do as long as it's Christmas related. If anyone has a specification such as no religious cards, please notify me. I understand that people have different religious beliefs. I respect everyones beliefs, whatever they may be.

*The date is earlier to allow time for the cards to get to their destination. I know things can get backed up around the holidays. We want the cards there by Christmas, not after.

I will be posting on the fan page closer to the end of October to get everyones address. This will not be a secret so you should include your name on the cards. The most important thing is to notify me if you decide to drop out. Anyone that drops out without notifying me first will not be allowed to participate in any future programs.

Rules are subject to change. If any changes are made, I will update everyone immediately. You don't have to be invited to join the program. Anyone is welcome to join. I'd like for everyone that signs up to like the fan page for the program so updates are visible to everyone. If you know anyone that has lost a baby that you think could use extra joy this holiday season, please let me know & I can add their name & address and I can get cards sent to them.

Thank you, everyone, for your continued support of the program!!
The link to the fan page where updates will be is www.facebook.com/HolidayCardExchange. Please, like this page to receive updates and/or changes in the program. The profile picture will change for each holiday we do a card exchange for. I'm not sure yet what the next holiday will be. Any suggestions anyone has will be greatly appreciated! Thank you, all!!