My angels 10th Birthday In Heaven

The time is 8:32 pm on March 20, 2014. It's not a normal day. It's the ten year anniversary of my baby girls death. Usually, I get through this time with ease. Maybe it's the fact that so much time has passed that I've adapted.

But, maybe time worked against me this year. I started the day with my normal ease. I got up, fixed my kids a bowl of cereal. Got them dressed & off to school. After that, I come back in my house & rested a while, watched tv, commented on my statuses about Kaylea's birthday. I decided that I would release balloons for her & let my kids help.

I went to the store & bought a helium kit & blew the balloons up myself. As I was doing this, I felt a tugging in my heart, and my stomach. A familiar tugging, yes, but one I haven't felt this strong in quite some time now!! Then, I realised it. I'm not taking this so good this year.

My kids get off the bus. I tell them that they can write messages on the balloons to Kaylea but to be careful not to pop them. Which they did, wonderfully! But, at the grave site, things went awry. My kids were just being kids. Of course, they can't even begin to fathom what I go through. They have no idea the pain I feel everyday. We released the balloons & I tried having a moment to talk to my angel, my first born. I usually do this alone but this year I thought I'd include them in it. And it didn't go good. I missed the chance to cry, to savor my time at my daughter's grave. To talk to her, alone, as I do every year. I missed it. Was it worth it to include my children. Maybe so. I don't know.

How do you make a 8 & 7 year old understand that their sister doesn't get a birthday party. She doesn't get to open presents like they do. I don't get to give her kisses & hug her, tell her I love her & hear her say it back to me. These balloons, this Peter Rabbit stuffed animal is all I get to do for her! It's IMPORTANT!

Why can't ANYONE understand how important this was to me? What can I say? I help thousands of grieving mothers on a daily basis, give them advice, encouraging words for big dates, holidays & anniversaries. I deal with grief every single day. Why can't I take my own advice? I've been told I'm pretty good at what I do. What happens when the supporter needs support? Let me just say that this blog isn't about the ladies on my page! It's actually quite the opposite! My fans, my second family, was AMAZING today!! I think what added to my day being bad is the fact that out of all of my friends, only ONE even thought to ask me how I was today! ONE!  My friend, my sister, Nikki, came with me to release Kaylea's balloons. She is wonderful! She's not my sister, by blood. But a sister doesn't always mean by blood. I interpret a sister as someone who is there for me when I need them. Not someone that says "call me if you need anything" and when you do call they don't answer or its excuse after excuse as to why they can't help you. Quick sidenote: don't say these words if you don't Fucking mean it! These words mean a lot to a grieving mother! We live on these words because they mean that someone will be there for us if we need them. And chances are, we'll need them! So, don't say it if you don't mean it!

Can you believe my mama didn't even ask me how I was today?! MY MAMA!! So, all in all, it was a very hard day!! I felt even more empty & sad than I did the day I had her. This has been very, very hard on me!! And I feel like no one in this world cares! No one in my family, that is! This is a huge anniversary! TEN YEARS! And I think that's another reason that it's working on me so hard! I've thought about it so much lately, especially since I got the records from the hospital where I had her. I almost wish I hadn't of gotten them!

Mostly though, it's the fact that I felt so alone today. The fact that the world can go on as if I didn't have a daughter that died! She matters, even if no one else thinks so! She Fucking matters!!! And I will give her the respect she Fucking deserves! If no one else will!! I will say her name every single day! No matter how uncomfortable anyone feels! I will celebrate her birthday every year on March 20th until I'm no longer here to celebrate!! Her life matters, no matter how short it was, IT MATTERS!!

So, make the awkward call & if you can't do that, send a text! But don't treat my daughter as if she didn't exist!

I'm going to end it here. My head hurts. My eyes are swollen. And I'm exhausted. The day was hard & exhausting! And I'm ready for it to be over.

Kaylea, I'll love you till I die! My first born, my first daughter. You hold a place inside my heart that no one else can have. You are a very important part of me. You're imprinted on my soul. And I can't wait until the day that I see your precious face again!

In Loving Memory of Kaylea Blair Todt Born still on March 20, 2004 at 7:11 am, weighing a tiny 1lb 2ozs 11 1/2 inches long. Forever loved & missed!

At This time, ten years ago...

.....I laid in a hospital bed, waiting impatiently to have my first child. The impatience did not come from the normal joys of giving birth. No, beautiful cries would not be heard, this time. Instead, just a few hours earlier, I had been given the worst news I would ever receive in my life. Those three words every parent to be hopes they'll never have to hear: THERE'S NO HEARTBEAT!

I'm sitting here now reading my records for the whole day of Thursday, March 18, 2004. One sheet reads:

"A LIMITED OBSTETRICAL PELVIC ULTRASOUND WAS PERFORMED TO EVALUATE FOR FETAL DEMISE. NO FETAL CARDIAC MOTION OR COLOR MOTION IS IDENTIFIED WITHIN THE FETUS. NO FETAL MOTION IS SEEN. THE BPD WAS MEASURED AND CORRELATES WITH AN EGA (estimated gestational age) OF 21 weeks & 5 days. THE EXPECTED EGA IS 28 WEEKS BASED ON PRIOR ULTRASOUND. THERE IS VERY LITTLE AMNIOTIC FLUID IDENTIFIED.

"IMPRESSION: FETAL DEMISE IS DOCUMENTED."

These words, so cold & unnerving! As if my baby girl has been reduced to just another medical mishap. Another pregnancy loss statistic.

But, no, she was so much more than that! She was, IS MY DAUGHTER! She had life, inside my body. She grew, she moved, she was ALIVE! No matter what a piece of paper says, in those cold medical terms. Stop referring to my daughter as a fetus! She is a baby! Give her the respect she SO deserves! Do you not have a heart? A thread of compassion in your body? A Hippocratic oath you abide by, live by? You are a part of the worst news I will ever receive in my life! Respect that, if nothing else!

I'm only 19 years old, the best time in a person's life. But instead of preparing for my daughter's arrival, I'm laying in a hospital bed, planning a funeral for her! Silently praying that God would take me with her. I don't say instead of being out having fun like I should have been doing at 19 years old because Kaylea was not an accident! She was planned! But this, this was not planned! How can someone's life end before it even begins?! How can this be?! Was I being punished for something? What happened!? WHY WAS MY BABY TAKEN FROM ME BEFORE I EVEN HAD HER?! 

I'd do anything, give anything to know the answers to these questions. But, these, and many other questions, will go unanswered for the rest of my life. Some babies are just too good for this world! God seen Kaylea & thought she was so special that she wouldn't have to live a single day on this earth. She will never feel pain or have her heart broken. She will never know the pain that comes with loss. She's free. And I'm here, trapped inside my grief for her. This want, this need to have her here with me that will never, ever go away! The tears I cry when no one is around. The sadness I hide behind the words "I'm fine". This pulling inside my heart every single year, when the month of March arrives.

The love I have for my daughter will never be broken. It only grows stronger with each passing day. Nothing will ever change that! Years will pass, but my love is just as strong as it ever was!

At this time, I was begging God to change his mind. And if he won't change his mind to at least hurry the process along! I'm suffering. I'm hurting. Physically & mentally hurting! Just make it stop!! Again, this is something that would not come to pass. I still had another day to go.

Until tomorrow....

"Heaven and Earth may separate us, but nothing will ever change the fact that you made me a mother!"

About Graphic Requests on my Facebook Page

I've decided to do a blog for the fans on my Facebook page to read so there's no questions about how I do graphic requests. I ask that everyone read this blog so you'll all know & understand how I do the requests.

Firstly, when I upload a new graphic, there will be a few rules for everyone to read. Most of it is basic stuff. When I first started making graphics, I had no rules & things got completely out of hand. Sometimes there's only one graphic for everyone but most of the time, there's one for a girl, boy & one for angels that the sex was unknown. When it's three different graphics, you comment under the one you want. Pretty simple? You'd think so, but apparently not. I understand that, like me, a lot of my fans are only mobile & don't have a computer. Which is fine because I don't have a computer either. I ask that if you can't see or find where to make your request to inbox me on the page. Here, I'll break down each of the rules that I post & explain what I mean.

1. "Please comment under the graphic you want. Don't comment under the pink one asking for a blue one & vise versa." This is done so that I don't have to search for requests & guess which one you want. Also, if I take a guess sometimes I am wrong & then the fans send me hateful messages or comments over it. When the whole thing could've been avoided if the request was made properly.

2. "Please leave only your angels first name. Middle & last names & birthdays are not needed. (This won't apply every time)." I ask this so that I have enough time to do a graphic for everyone that wants one. Plus, all that info isn't needed for every graphic I do. If the graphic that's up is for a holiday, (Christmas, Easter, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving, etc.), I only ask for your angels first name. If middle & last names & birthdays are left, I still only use the first name. I do this because so many requests are made for the holiday graphics that it's quicker to use only the first name. I ask that everyone please understand this because I want everyone that wants one, to get one. This allows me the time to do one for everybody. Also, I get that most people give their angels a first and middle name. My angels name is Kaylea Blair. But when I ask for only the first name, and you leave first & middle, and tell me that's your angels name, I know that but that's not what I asked for. It's not that I don't want to recognize your angels full name, it's just quicker to use the first name only.

3. "Please don't comment under the album itself with a request." Please know that I only ask this because it helps me keep the requests in order. I don't have to search in a bunch of different places for the requests & I won't accidentally leave anyone out. If there is only one graphic in the album for request, and there's not a difference between one for a boy & one for a girl, I usually still do the ones left underneath the album. But when there's 3 different graphics for request, I don't know which one you want when you comment under the album itself. I know what you're thinking, "if it's a girls name, make the one for a girl & vice versa." Well, that sounds simple enough, but sometimes they want a purple one (the one usually used for unknown sex). So, still I have no idea which one you want if you comment under the album itself. I really hate not making a graphic request! And, to be honest, half the time, I still make them. I feel like I repeat this one rule over & over & no one even pays any attention to it.

4. "Please don't alter nor use my graphics without my permission. You can share them & you can use them as your profile picture." I've found quite a few of my graphics, used & alerted online. I've had a few fans show me where they've found them online. It's not fair nor right to claim someone else's work as your own. I spend a lot of time on my graphics & that needs to be respected.

5. "If requesting a graphic for an angel that is not your own, please have the parents permission & have the correct info." In the past, I've had a new girlfriend of an angels father request a graphic & after it was made & uploaded, the mother inboxed me, very upset about it. This puts me in a horrible position. I've had several of these situations occur in the past & it's not good! I know that it would make me so mad if my angels fathers new wife requested a graphic for MY angel without my permission. It would hurt me & piss me off! I have no way of knowing if the angel belongs to the person requesting. I can only trust that no one would put me in that position. I had another instance where a graphic was requested for an angel that didn't belong to the person requesting & they gave me the wrong birthday. And the parent cone after me over it. So not cool! So, please, don't put me in that awkward position.
6. "If you have more than one angel & you'd like their names on different graphics, please specify this by leaving each name in a separate comments." If the names are in one comment, I assume you'd like them on the same graphic. This causes unnecessary do overs to put the names on different graphics. It's time consuming & unnecessary.

I need everyone to understand that I have two living kids & I make the graphics in between my motherly duties & my everyday activities. By following these few rules, it allows me to take care of my family & still have time to take care of my page & make the graphics. Also, please know that I reserve the right to refuse to make a graphic due to rudeness or not following instructions. I'm not trying to be shitty or hateful, I'm just trying to explain why I do things the way I do. I want to be able to make everyone a graphic & by following the few rules I've made, you've allowed me to do just that.

I really enjoy making the graphics for everyone. I know how it feels to see your angels name on things. It means someone else is recognizing your angel & that's very important to a bereaved mother! All angels should be remembered! And as long as I'm here, they will be remembered! Please help me keep things simple & in order! Thank you, everyone, for your continued support of my page & the work I do!

About this time, ten years ago...

The ten year anniversary of my first child, my daughter, Kaylea, is coming up on March 20th. It's got me thinking, as it does every year, about the events that occurred in the two weeks before I had her.

It was about this time, ten years ago, that I last felt my baby girl move. I went to the hospital because I hadn't felt her move in at least a week. I had a regularly scheduled doctors appointment a week later but I didn't feel I could wait that long. So, my friend Samantha & her boyfriend (at the time) came and got me & we started to the hospital. When we arrived, I was told to go to the labor & delivery floor. So, that's where I went. When I got up to L&D, the nurses were immediately shitty to me. Very short & wouldn't listen to anything I was saying. They stick a Doppler to my stomach, pick up a heartbeat, and tell me my baby is fine. At this time, I was about 25 weeks pregnant. The nurse measured my stomach & told me I was only measuring 20 weeks pregnant. This should've set off an alarm inside her head. Especially when I told her I found out the sex 6 weeks earlier when I was 20 weeks pregnant! Still, an ultrasound was denied! Myself & my friend begged for an ultrasound, to no avail! I was told that Kaylea was laying in the transverse position & that was the explanation for why I was measuring 20 weeks. Which shouldn't have mattered, how she was laying. And the heartbeat they heard was my own heartbeat!

So, I was sent home, my mind racing even more than before I went to the hospital. I was there, begging for help, begging for an ultrasound. For some kind of proof that I was just overreacting. Instead, my feelings & concerns for my daughter's wellbeing was brushed off and chalked up to just 19 year old first time mother, that was just being overprotective & overreacting.

Now, I know in my heart that my baby was gone then. But perhaps, had they listened to me, I may not have nearly died having her.

I wish, so badly, that I could go back to that night. I would do so many things differently. I would not have left that hospital without an ultrasound. I would've fought for my baby girl with all my might. Because, after all, I was a first time mother. They convinced me that I was being irrational & overprotective. And I thought for a second that maybe they were right. But my heart told me differently. And my heart is what I listened to.

For the next week, until my scheduled doctor's appointment, I researched stillbirth. I tried preparing myself for what would come. What I knew in my heart awaited me. I begged God to change his mind & give her back to me. I said to God, "there's still time for you to give her back. I'll never know the difference if you give her life back to her before she's born!"

God may have heard me pleading & begging for my daughter's life, but he did not grant my wish. My tiny daughter's soul left her body & mine sometime during the two weeks before March 20, 2004. And all she left behind was an empty womb, a broken heart & tattered dreams. Dreams that would haunt me for the rest of my living days.

I miss her so much, that sometimes I can hardly breathe. And as soon as the month of March comes, it gets worse. I don't know. Maybe it's so bad now because this year marks an important milestone. Ten years is a long time. So, why does it still seem like it happened yesterday?!

Until next time.....

They say there is a reason
They say that time will heal.
But neither time nor reason
Will change the way I feel.

For no one knows the heartache
That lies behind my smile.
No one knows how many times
I've broken down and cried.

I want to tell you something,
So there isn't any doubt
You're so wonderful to think of
But so hard to be without!

They say memories are golden...

Last Monday, I went with my Mama to visit a patient of hers that was in the hospital. The hospital that we went to, just happened to be the hospital that I gave birth to my Kaylea at.

While at the hospital, I decided that, that would be the day that I get my records from my four day stay while having my daughter. The dates I was there was in 2004. So, they had been put into storage. I had to wait for them to be mailed.

I don't really know why I never got them before now. I know that this really happened to me, I know it's real. I have the scars to prove it. Not scars from stretch marks. No, mental scars that don't go away, no matter what. But I can't remember much of what happened due to the drugs I was administered. I thought maybe these papers would help me remember everything that happened during those four dreadful days. I had preeclampsia & was being given Magnesium sulfate to prevent seizures. I didn't feel sick when I arrived at the hospital. I knew, in my heart, that my baby was already gone, but I didn't feel sick. As soon as the first drop of Magnesium hit my veins, I felt like I was dying! As a result, I remember hardly anything that happened.

Today, the records arrived. I anxiously opened this thick envelope, hoping to give myself some clarity about the events that started on March 18, 2004.

I began with the first page of the records: my diagnosis. Written like this: intrauterine death, preeclampsia, breech presentation, mother with single stillborn.

I thought these papers would somehow make me feel better. But as I flipped through the pages, I found myself lying back in that hospital room hearing these things all over again. It hurt me down to my soul. I felt like my heart was literally breaking in half. I began crying, hysterically, as soon as I seen her precious name & the oh so medically termed words "fetal demise". Such an awful way to put it!

I also didn't think these records would have everything, word for word, that was said while I was there. At one point, in the nurses notes, it says, "patient crying asking her mother what she done wrong. Patient is assured that this is not a result of any action on her part." I had forgotten that I said that in my state of shock. They documented EVERYTHING!

I just wanted to read everything in my records. I wanted them to put with Kaylea's memory box. All this did was drudge up old feelings & emotions that I buried long ago.  Feelings that maybe I shouldn't have tried burying.

I thought maybe if I read everything in it that I'd find out something I didn't know or realize. I found out what every inch of the placenta looked like. I found out that I was indeed 28 weeks, not 27 weeks pregnant. I found out that I had very little amniotic fluid.

All of these feelings are now on the surface again as I'm approaching the ten year mark. I miss my angel Baby more than ever now. Viewing these papers, I'm afraid, open more wounds then it closed. I was awarded no closure in the matter, just more questions. The only relief I see is proof, documented proof, that my baby girl was here. She lived, if only inside my body, she DID live!

I got $35.00 worth of records. Pain. That will never go away, no matter how much time passes by. I miss her so bad that it hurts. Of course, I've found it easier to live with but it's a constant in my life. I think about Kaylea 23 hours of the day. I wish I had her here with me instead of a shelf with keepsakes on it. I cherish these mementos but my baby world be so much better. I yearn for what could have been and what SHOULD HAVE been! I am glad that I requested these records. If it's even possible, it made it real, even more than it is.

Kaylea, I will love you until I die! My sweet, precious angel!

"They say memories are golden, well maybe that's true. But I never wanted memories, I only wanted you"