Gay marriage

On Friday, June 26, 2015, history was made. The U.S. Supreme Court declared marriage a constitutional right equally held by all Americans. Thus legalizing same sex marriages. Of course, there's an uproar amongst all Bible thumpers & Jesus freaks all across the world!! Me, personally, I don't understand what the LGTB (I don't know if that's the right order) are fighting so hard to get married for! Marriage isn't what it's made out to be! HOWEVER, I can understand their want to be treated equally so I'm all for gay marriages. Hell, I love gay people! Especially gay men! They are the best friends a gal could ever have!! 

Anyway, I'm reading the Danville Register & Bee today & there's an uproar in Morehead, KY today because a county court clerk named Kim Davis, is refusing to issue not only gay marriage certificates but certificates to straight couples as well. Several county clerks along the Bible Belt are refusing to issue any marriage licenses. Saying it goes against God & their personal beliefs. Well, whatever happened to the separation of church & state? This is a law that has been passed by the Supreme Court. It's not about God or your own personal beliefs. You do what you were sworn into office to do: uphold the law. Laws change all the time & I'm sure these people knew that going in. They are arguing that gay marriage was not a part of the law when they were sworn in. Therefore, they do not & should not have to abide by that law or enforce it. Hey, do your job or step aside & let someone else do it! A few are also declining to step down so that someone who is bias can issue the licenses. How can they refuse to step down?! Fire them! Make them leave! I'm sorry but gay couples should be able to do everything a straight couple can do! Marriage should be no exception. They are people, not animals & shouldn't be treated as if they are! 

Homosexuality is an endless debate, much like abortion. People should agree to disagree & move on to something else. But those that fight the good fight deserve to have what everyone else has. Nothing more. NOTHING LESS. 

Doug's family......

It's been 3 months today since my Doug was taken from me. As the days go on, I get angrier & angrier. After everything I've been through in the past 11 years, why was this man brought into my life, made me love him, made my kids love him, just to have him ripped from our lives overnight!?!?!? I went to bed happy & woke up to the worst day of my life, my world ripped apart. I don't understand this. I've tried, I've tried my damnedest to move on from this. I've tried not to harbor any negative feelings towards Doug's family because I know they are grieving too. I know his mom is angry at me because she has to blame someone & that's me because I was with him. I know that blame because I've lost a child too. No, my child wasn't 27 years old but I've lost one all the same. I help thousands of people, mainly mothers, everyday that have lost a child, a baby, and they place blame, just as I did when I lost my daughter. So, I get it. But, how, HOW can I not harbor these feelings!? Because, trust me when I say, I don't want to feel this way. It only makes me stuck in my grief. A grief that will not subside. No matter what I do. So, no, I don't want to feel this way. But I can't help it. 

I'm sure everyone is getting tired of me talking about it. But I have to get it out when I feel like I'm about to explode. I sit in my house, every single day, and all I think about is Doug. My house looks like a shrine to him! Pictures of us everywhere. The food we cooked the night before he died, still sits in my fridge. The napkin he wiped his mouth with, the last glass he drank out of (still dirty, with his lip prints on it), the 20 oz Pepsi bottle that he had bought a few days before he passed away was pulled out of the trash can & put up, by me. Mixed veggies I cooked for him the day after he came home from the hospital, broccoli & cheese he made, still sits in my fridge. We had went to the grocery store the day before he passed away & he got fresh corn on the cob & a fudge cake. Both still sit in the fridge, untouched. The freezer still organized with the same food, untouched because HE put it that way. His spot he made on top of the fridge for 'his' snacks, still sits, with all his snacks, untouched. His clothes still hang in our closet where he left them; his shirts still folded & left where he put them. When he was alive, I loved the way he smelt & I would sleep in his shirts. If they were clean (because sometimes he would take the shirt he was wearing off & give it to me), he would spray his body spray on it so it would smell like him. I still do that, every night. His two brand new hats, (that still smell like him), still hang on the wall, where he had a spot for them. His bath stuff still sits in our shower. His wallet with his money still in it, every letter he ever wrote me, the money we had saved to go to the beach in June to get married, barefoot in the sand, still sits where we left it. Scared that if I get rid of this stuff or move any of it, I'll somehow be throwing him away. And I just cannot make myself do it. This is ALL I have left of him!! Everyone needs to see this from my perspective, his family included. Here's this beautiful, amazing man that I had spent every single day with for almost a year. Everything I done, he was there. We very rarely spent any time apart. My kids loved him & spent just as much time with him as I did. They bonded with him, as if he was their father. He done everything a good father is supposed to do. Played baseball, football & basketball with Gavin. Did the 'airplane' with Kenadi. Fixed their meals, helped with homework. Played with them anytime they wanted him to. Then, tragedy strikes & I wake up to find him dead on our couch. A couch that we spent many nights on as a couple, and as a FAMILY! And since we weren't legally married, (I say legally because we were married in every other aspect but on paper), his next of kin had to be notified to release his body to a funeral home. I couldn't make that call so after my mom attempted, and was hung up on, the cop had to call. And his sister was who was called. She immediately told the officer that it was my fault he had died. Ok. So, after that was done, she comes here, calls a funeral home, comes in our home & starts asking for his stuff before they even get out of the driveway with him. (By the way, his sister made a comment, when I got his lunchbox out to get the watch & ring she asked for, that she remembered the day that 'she bought him that lunchbox. That he went on & on until she bought it for him. Ummm, are you fucking delusional?! I was with him the day he bought that lunchbox, the same day he bought the air conditioner that you tried to sell, for $75 without even asking him! A $250 AC that wasn't yours to sell! He bought BOTH with HIS debit card from Abbott! She also stupidly said in a conversation a few days later, that she would take anything of his outta this house that she wanted. Not fucking hardly, bitch! You got ALL YOU WILL EVER GET OF HIS! You only got that cuz Doug didn't wear neither one anymore! He had actually ordered him another watch that come a week after he died!) And that's it. Every time I ask questions after that, I'm given the run around. I've since found out everything I wanted to know, the funeral home that cremated him, when his autopsy was done, everything. Then, the shitty, rude messages start coming 2 days after he died because I expressed my anger over not being in the loop. How could they do that to us?! How could they take him from us, the ones DOUG CHOSE to be with everyday. Imagine yourselves in my place!! How do they live with themselves?! Had Doug & I been married, and it had been up to me, I would've NEVER done this to them, even knowing how Doug felt! It's not for the deceased but for those of us left behind. And I'm so angry that we were shut out of something so important & crucial to the healing process! Something so important & crucial, PERIOD! Something anyone with common decency would've never fucking done. EVER. I could just as easily blame them for his death! By choosing the 'tough love' route, they made Doug feel as if he was all alone in this world, with nothing and no one. They contributed by doing this. But that's the difference between me & them. I know better then to blame them! It's no ones fault but Doug's that he drank everyday. He was an alcoholic & that's what an alcoholic does! He would've found a way to drink, no matter if I took him to the store or bought it. IT DON'T MATTER! None of it matters now. There's no need to place blame. Because all of the blaming me in the world won't bring Doug back. All it would do is piss him off! They blamed & hated me BEFORE he died because of his sisters BIG ASS MOUTH, and Doug would laugh & say, "I don't give a fuck if they like you cuz I don't even talk to them! And it's not your fault I drink!" I've said it before & I'll say it again, if he was still alive, they'd all still be treating him as if he don't exist!! And I know this! 

I'm not going to keep on & on about that. I feel like this: me & the kids were with him EVERY SINGLE DAY AND NIGHT, for almost a year. No one else, I didn't even know his family, other then his sister & I had met his brother twice by the time he died & that was forced on Doug because according to him, he hated his brother too. I liked his brother. I liked his sister. I couldn't understand why he claimed to hate his brother & sister so much. Anyway, it was only US for so long! Then, he dies. And a 'family' that has been NOWHERE around, swoops in & takes him! That looks terrible on them for one thing. Where the FUCK were all of you for the past year?!?! Oh, that's right. You chose, in your own words, "the tough love route". I call that the "out of sight, out of mind" route. You thought, "we've tried to help him & it didn't work. So, we'll let him be someone else's problem now." And when he dies, you have the audacity to fucking judge me & how I handled the situation!? Well, a big HUGE FUCK YOU to every single one of you! Bonnie (Doug's mom) said to me in one of her messages, "if you really loved my son, you would've done something different. You wouldn't have bought him alcohol when my daughter, Latosha begged you not to." Well, Bonnie, maybe your daughter, Latosha, should've come & helped with her brother every time I called HER BEGGING HER TO HELP ME! Begging her to please come get him when he was acting crazy because I HAD TOLD HIM NO, I won't going to the ABC store! But, no, she refused to come because her latest fuck buddy was coming over, or there towards the end, because she was trying to get her daughter back & baby daddy hates Doug. It was so easy for Latosha to sit on the other end of the phone telling me to not buy it for him. She didn't have to fucking live with him! She didn't have to see him sick, crying & begging. No, and neither did you, Bonnie! And, I'm sorry, but if you really loved your son, maybe you should've stayed in his life as a good mother would do! Instead of cutting off all contact with him because he drank! Don't tell me what I should've done different! I could go on & on about your whole family & what you all should've done!! All of them are so naïve! Bonnie also told me the same story Doug told me about how he hadn't been really sober since he was 19. That he would say he won't drinking & just drink enough to where no one would notice. Well, according to Doug, he ALWAYS done that. He done it when he first moved in with his sister last year when she so stupidly thought he had quit drinking. He was doing it right under your nose, Miss 'I always know when he's been drinking'! You were just too blind to see it! If that's a lie, DOUG TOLD IT! And why in the hell would he lie about that?!?! You didn't help him any more then I fucking helped him! None of you did! 

I mean, please, someone tell me how I'm supposed to just get over, move on or forget about what these AWFUL people done to us when Doug passed away!!?? How could they just treat me & my kids like we didn't fucking matter?! Like Doug & I had only known one another for a week & it shouldn't bother me at all that I FOUND HIM DEAD!! GAVIN AND KENADI FOUND HIM DEAD!! How can you people be so fucking selfish!? And more importantly, how do you live with yourselves?! Latosha, you, OF ALL PEOPLE, knew that Doug wanted me there with him, all the time! You told us one time, when he was trying to figure out a way for us to be together one day, that we seen each other more then you seen your son. And why did he have to be with me all the time? Yet you can do this to me & these kids without batting an eye! If not for me, then for Gavin & Kenadi! They just couldn't & still can't understand why they couldn't go to Doug's service. You are one heartless fucking CUNT! You blamed your mom saying she was in charge of everything. That's true, sure, but you could've taken up for me, as you claim you done when Doug was living. But no, you didn't. You won't taking up for me when he was living. No, you were running your big fucking mouth about everything Doug & I were doing! I didn't give two shits if your mom liked me or not. Still don't. And neither did Doug! All we were worried about was loving each other! And Doug wanted my mom to like him but we really didn't care, either way. It was just easier when everyone got along. But we didn't have to deal with Bonnie or anyone else in the family, obviously. You told me once, "Doug is watching you, not watching over you." Haha, that's funny! Do you think it wouldn't have bothered Doug that you kept the women he loved, the kids he called his own, from his service?! Yet you had people there he talked about, like dogs, ALL THE TIME!! That pathetic picture of all of y'all holding a TEN YEAR OLD photo of him at the service!! I don't think a 27 year old man would want to be remembered as an 18 year old boy! Fucking PATHETIC!! All of you are holding on to someone Doug was not anymore. And even if he had of quit drinking, addiction changes you, in every way! He never would've been that person again! But then again, addiction or not, NO ONE is the same person they were as a teenager! I know I'm not! 

Off topic for a moment. My birthday was yesterday. I uploaded a photo of me & Doug on my birthday last year. In this photo, he has his hands on my face, kissing me so sweetly. I was told by Bonnie that sober Doug was romantic & loving & that I didn't know that version of him. Because his fucking big mouthed sister told his mama about fights Doug & I had. Just because we fought, don't mean I didn't know him! EVERYONE in a relationship fights! That's common knowledge! I think his mom could agree with that since Latosha told us a lot about her & her husband fighting all the time. Because according to Larry & Doug, she's crazy & controlling! Anyway, Doug was VERY romantic! It's one of the things I LOVED about him!! He was AMAZING in so many ways!! So, yes, Bonnie, I did know he was romantic. I have PLENTY of photos to show, PROVE how happy Doug was. Where's all of your pictures of him? NOT old pictures, from high school or 3 or 4 years ago?? You don't have any. I could've showed all of you how happy he was. But since this happiness didn't involve any of you, you didn't want any part of it, right?? Jealous of my life with him. Jealous. Jealous. JEALOUS! 

This is the picture of Doug & I last year on my birthday. So romantic, so sweet. 

That's where all of his so-called family is terribly WRONG! I DID know him! It's all of you that didn't. You know a version of Doug, the version all of you are choosing to honor, the version he wasn't anymore. He would be so fucking mad at all of you! Because I know him, and I know he would've wanted me & HIS kids included in everything. I'm not saying he wouldn't have wanted any of you there, although he told me that. But he would've wanted us, his real family, there as well! That's all. These are DOUG'S words, his family! But, out of jealousy & GUILT, because each of YOU chose to abandon him & not be a part of his life, sitting 2 states away judging his every move and out of selfishness, you decided to take him from us as if we didn't matter. I know that wherever he is right now, he's so disappointed! He would've said to me, 'why are you letting this happen?' But I know he can see all of them. He knows I wanted to be there. He knows he didn't want half of the people that was there anywhere around him. I don't give a damn how he felt 10 years ago about these people. I care about how present day Doug felt about them! And all of his 'family' should've considered what Doug would've wanted! Not what a bunch of people that didn't even talk to him would've wanted!! Latosha said a few of her friends came to support her & not one person in that picture did Doug ever say one nice thing about! I think mostly, all he referred to them as was "ghetto bitches". I could add the rest, but I won't. The bad thing about all of this shit is his sister knew all of this! She used to get so mad when she'd come Here to drop her son off & Doug would hide in the bathroom, even when he hadn't been drinking because he didn't want to talk to her! She would say she didn't know why he acted like that when all she'd ever done was try & help him. I told her everything he ever said about her yet when he died, suddenly I'm lying. Or asked why am I saying all of this trying to hurt them? No, I'm not trying to hurt them! Although none of them had a problem hurting me before I ever even said anything about or to them! All I did was express my anger about being left out & suddenly I didn't know Doug & he would've never been with me had he been sober. And why did I have a drunk around playing daddy to my kids. And the letters he wrote me were made fun of. All of this ended with, "but I'm a Godly women & I'll pray for you & your children." REALLY?!?! GODLY?!?! If that's Godly, I want no part of that! 

In closing, I want them all to know what they've done to us by keeping us away from him. My kids still cry for Doug, almost everyday. They still ask why they couldn't go to his service. They cling to him in death, just as they did in life. Just 2 hours ago, I walked into my living room & Kenadi was sitting on the couch crying. When I asked what was wrong, she said, "I just miss Doug so much." You people are common, selfish, jealous, guilt ridden, pieces of shit. I will NEVER get over what you done to us & Doug won't forget it either, trust me when I say that! I was not just someone that bought his alcohol or took him to the store like all of you think. None of you saw us as a couple but Latosha Cochran DID! And she can live in denial all she fucking wants to, but she knew better! There's a reason why Doug died without speaking to any of you in almost 2 years. And only now, after he's gone, do I fully understand why! Why he was so amazed at my family & so obsessed with OUR family! I get it now. It's because he had no REAL family. I showed him UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I showed him what a family was. They don't abandon you because of things not going their way. They stick by you, no matter how you live your life. They may not agree & may express that but they don't abandon you altogether. They help you when you're down & continue to show their love for you. They don't limit their communications to simply hitting the 'like' button on their pictures on Facebook, the people he didn't have blocked! (And all of you clicked like on almost every photo we ever posted together!!) I did everything all of you didn't & WOULDN'T do. I stuck by him until the bitter end. All of you only showed up at the bitter end, after it was all over with. Only THEN did you say what he needed to hear & what you should've said while he was LIVING! SHAME ON ALL OF YOU!!! I see why your guilt is killing you & I hope you see his face EVERY SINGLE NIGHT when you close your eyes!! I know in your delusional minds, you think what you done while he was living was the right thing to do. The same way you think what you did when he died was the right thing to do. Both were WRONG. And you are the ONLY ones that think it was right! Like I said, DELUSIONAL. Sad & delusional. SHAME ON ALL OF YOU! Doug seen everything you done to us, EVERYTHING! I have no doubt in my mind that Doug watches OVER us every single day. But, in Latosha's words, he watching all of his family. Watching all of the sorry shit they continue to do every single day. Probably shaking his head in disbelief. The only relief I get is knowing I done all I could do for him. I gave him love & compassion & he left this world KNOWING that I loved him. Knowing I was on HIS side & that I would've done ANYTHING I could do for him! And I'm so happy for that! I know he's waiting for me on The Other Side as we promised each other we'd do. If he didn't love me or didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't have been! He wasn't made to stay. He stayed because he was loved! And he still is loved & remembered for who he was! Can anyone say the same about all of you?? Nope. 

(I want to add that after Doug passed away, I had several people inbox me telling me how they had talked to Doug recently & he had expressed how happy he was with me & with life in general. That made me very happy!) 

Me & my sweet baby. God, I miss him so much! 

All 3 of my babies! Such a beautiful smile on his beautiful face!

More sweetness from the man that "didn't really love me". Doug seen it ALL. 

 

Dear Doug

I've been told that I should write Doug letters when I want to talk to him. I do talk to him, everyday. Kind of like he's still here & it makes me feel crazy. But I do not care. So, I'm going to write him a letter here. Get some things off my chest. Doug & I would write letters to one another all the time. Which if you're my friend on Facebook, you've seen a few examples. If we argued, it was easier to write what we felt because you forget what you want to say in the heat of the moment. Or we would write one another silly love letters. Anyway, here goes...

Doug,

I have so much to say to you I don't exactly know where to start. I miss you so bad but at the same time, I'm so mad at you! Baby, I begged you every single day to please stop drinking! I told you time after time that if you kept on the way you were going that you wouldn't live to see 30! All the while, having this gut feeling that I would be right. Why?! Why couldn't you just STOP!? I already know the answer to that question. I guess I hoped that me & the kids would be enough to make you want to quit. But I knew better. I've been where you were! So I knew better. I know you wanted to quit. I watched you cry, day after day. I knew your intentions were good. That's why I chose to stay with you when others would've ran for the hills. I know you know I didn't want to buy you alcohol, EVER! You knew that because of the countless arguments we had over that very thing. This silent battle between you & I. Because you didn't want my mama to hate you if she knew you were still drinking. I chose to fight this battle with you alone, in silence from my family & friends. The only other person that knew was Tosha. And you hated it that I told her. But I had to tell someone, Doug! You were driving me insane every single day of my life! The sleepless nights, I was EXHAUSTED! You knew that because I would beg you at night to PLEASE let me sleep!!! Truth is, (& I told you this as well) I actually dreaded nighttime. Because I knew what my night would hold. I'm so mad at you for not listening to me! I know if you could, you would tell me, "I should've listened to you, baby!" As you always did when I'd tell you something was gonna happen & then it did. 

Enough about that. There's absolutely nothing that can be done now. I want to tell you I'm sorry. I find myself crying and apologizing to you quite often. You were so dependent on me for everything. When you got sick the week before you passed away, you had to have me there. You wouldn't let me call or tell anyone you were there because you only wanted me there, you said. I know they think it's because you were scared they'd tell on you for drinking. But we know the truth. We ALWAYS knew the truth when no one else did! I find myself apologizing because I couldn't save you, as much as I desperately wanted & NEEDED too! As much as the kids wanted me to save you, I couldn't. I seen something in you no one else had seen for years, apparently. I seen ambition, desire, hope, beauty, kindness. But most of all I seen LOVE! A love that could NEVER be replaced by anyone! You & I used to talk about so many things. We used to tell one another if I died first, I'd come back & visit you & if you died first, you'd come back & visit me. Don't ask me why we would talk about that, lol!! Definitely not something I'd ever discussed with anyone else before! But, then again, we done A LOT of things I'd never done with anyone else! 😘 I miss all those things. I miss you, baby. I miss your sweet kisses, your smile, your silliness, your sweetness. I miss waking up & you would be rubbing my feet in the middle of the night, lotion & all! You were obsessed with my feet! Obsessed with me all around! You told me everyday! I miss that now. God, I don't think I've EVER missed someone so much in my life! I was so tired of arguing with you everyday over drinking. So sick of begging you to go to work everyday. So sick of a lot of things. Our last month or so was rough! But the week before you passed away, things were looking up & I really thought we were going to be ok. I had no fucking idea this was going to happen. You were trying. I know you were. But, as I told you all the time, it was so much bigger then you were! Addiction had totally taken you over! Your "life of the party" lifestyle turned into "a way of life". You had to drink to feel normal everyday. And simply not buying it for you or not taking you to the store, wasn't an option. The sickness that would follow was terrifying for not only you but for me. And I felt as any fiancé would feel, scared & hurt for you. I would tell you everyday that I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life this way. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you but not that way. Not with you sick & us arguing all the time because of the drinking. I wanted you, all of you. No one knew what we really went through day to day. The love you & I had was unlike any other I'd ever experienced before! I guess it's really like you always said to me, you thought you had been in love in the past until you met me. Then you knew you never loved anyone else before me. You told me everyday that you were not with me just because I bought your alcohol. It did cross my mind, of course it did! But you had ample opportunity to leave me & you never did! I believe you, Doug. And only you. Your family, they never knew us as a couple. Only your sister. And she can deny it all she wants too, now that you're gone, but she knows you loved me! She knew everything! But she turned on me as I knew she would. You told me to stop telling her our business but I wouldn't listen. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, baby. I'm sorry for a lot of things. 

I couldn't find my bathing suit top this day. So, you made me one out of a plain black tank top. Lmao! It actually looked really cute! That lake will never be the same to me! 👙🌅☀️

Why, Doug, why didn't you come wake me up the night before you died!?!? You always did!! I keep thinking I could've helped you. I don't know what happened to you. I'll probably never know since your so-called family are being the assholes you told me they were. You looked like you had a seizure & I could've possibly helped you & thats fucking killing me! Please tell me there's nothing I could've done. That it was just your time! That's what I tell myself anyway. I tell myself that there's a reason I won't in our living room with you. And that reason being God knew I couldn't have helped you. He didn't want me to see you dying & possibly the kids see you dying, and not be able to help you. Just stand there, helplessly trying. He knew it was going to be hard enough on us having to find you the next morning. Oh my God, finding you the next morning was heartbreaking! Doug, we talked for 2 hours on Monday night before you died. We sat in this living room & talked about how I didn't want to wake up & find you dead, how if I found you, the kids would find you too!!! And I asked you if you wanted us to find you that way! You said no baby, I don't!! Fuck me, it happened the next fucking day!!!! (And FUCK OFF to anyone that don't like my choice of language! I found him DEAD, that gave me the right to say fuck if I so choose to!!!). I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that you're gone, babe. How can this be?!?! How can I not wake up to you everyday anymore. It's been over 2 months & I still miss you so fucking bad!! I smell you here still & you know how much your scent made me melt! It was orgasmic! I still have your things exactly how you left them. It's sad really. I saved the napkin you wiped your mouth with the night before you died, the Pepsi bottle that I pulled outta the trash can to keep because you drank out of it! The glass you drank out of that night. Even the food we cooked is STILL in the refrigerator right now, I'm sure molded, but I can't make myself throw it out because it's the last meal we had together. I'm sad, Doug, very sad here without you. I still expect you to wake me up during the night. I still sleep in your shirts, sprayed with your cologne/body spray, just like I did when you were here. I got no sleep before you died & even less after. I'm a mess, a hot mess. I need you. I want you back. Every time something happens I want to tell you. In person. Not talk to myself like a crazy person. I just still can't believe this is my life now, your life ended before it even really began. It's not fucking fair. I can think of so many other people it should've been. But not my Doug! My sweet, caring & loving Doug! We were robbed. You were robbed of your life, me of my husband, my kids of their true father. Your 'loving' step dad had the audacity to ask me why I had an alcoholic like you around my kids in the first place. That I must've been sick myself to do that. No, Larry. I wasn't sick. I saw him, REALLY SAW HIM. YOU DID NOT. I had you around my kids because you were good to them. Overall, you were wonderful. You were daddy. It will make you very happy to know that when you passed away, the kids told their teachers their daddy died. You always loved it when they referred to you as daddy, or wrote you notes addressed to daddy. They still talk about you everyday too. They miss you so much. Gavin wasn't even happy to start baseball because you weren't here to help him and come to his games. 

Such good kisses! You were so romantic! I loved it when you would put your hands on my face to kiss me! I miss this so bad!! 💋💋💋 This was the BEST birthday I'd ever had! Uncle Billy's Day. You whispered in my ear, "not everyone gets fireworks on their birthday! I love you, baby! Happy Birthday!" So sweet! 😍

I want you to know that if I could go back, baby, back to when you first messaged me on POF, I wouldn't change a thing! Even if I'd known our fate. I am blessed to have known you, Douglas! BLESSED! I am happy I got 11 months with you. I hate the way it ended & hate that my life is forever changed, and not in a good way. I hate that my soul mate is now just a memory. The peace I get is knowing you passed away where you were loved, UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED, everyday of your life. We loved you & never turned you away, despite the drinking. Did I agree with or like you drinking everyday? HELL NO!!! But I put up with it because I loved you. And nothing or no one will ever change that! No matter how many pathetic messages they send blaming me! Which, thank God, they haven't done in a while now. (By the way, WOW, you were so right about them!!). Please know that I will love you forever Doug! No one will ever take your place, EVER! I can't wait until we can be together again. But until then, wait for me on the Other Side. Watch over us, baby. And feel free to (continue) visiting  us! I'll write again soon. 😍♥️💋💋

Yours, FOREVER,

Your Toni Williams

Such a wonderful daddy when you didn't have to be! They love & miss you so much, baby. Their lives are forever changed as well. 

Because of you, Kenadi started jumping off the dock all by herself!! They loved for you to sit on the dock & let them hang on to your feet in the water! 

Setting the record straight!

I need to get some things off of my chest. Set the record straight, per say. I'm fed up with the 'loving, caring family' facade. Let's face it, if Doug was still living, the same shit would STILL be going on. He would have no contact with his family. 

Right after Doug passed away, his family came here, took his beautiful body, cremated him, and wouldn't allow me, Gavin or Kenadi to attend his service. This was wrong on SO MANY LEVELS!! I've never in my life met such slimey, conniving, vindictive people in my life! You may hate me (for lame stupid reasons), but you put that aside & let us say goodbye to the man we love in a proper way. You don't act like childish, selfish assholes! 

Anyway, they swept Doug under a rug, much as they did when he was living. Didn't put an obituary in the paper, no service for his friends and REAL family to come to. I put an obituary in the local paper here for him since they didn't think enough of him to do so when he passed away! In the obituary, we only mentioned me, our kids & my mama. I did this, not out of spite for them, but because that is the way Doug wanted it written! So, April 17th, was Doug's birthday. And I still have his phone turned on. And Facebook notifications were popping up so I thought let me see all the posts for his birthday. Of course, his sister, Tosha, had posted a Happy Birthday post for him. And lo and behold, an obituary!! Ok, a few weeks ago, she sent me a text saying, 'what's this I hear about you only mentioning you & your kids in my brothers obituary? How could you?' Ok, firstly, how could YOU take him from us & not include us in anything!? I think you should already know the answer to that stupid ass question!! I get that you're mad at me for buying his alcohol or taking him to the store. But, You had just as much a part in him drinking as I did!

So, here it is, Tosha, since you got on Instagram running off at the mouth, here you go, here's the truth for you:

Firstly, You are claiming you're so mad at me because I purchased his alcohol, or I took him to the store. As if THAT is the only reason he was with me & that's what killed him. Ok, here's the problem with that. You knew I bought it & gave him rides when he was living. I didn't 'give him rides', WE LIVED TOGETHER! So, why did you still talk to me then?? Why, now that he's gone, are you suddenly mad about that??! Mad to the point of doing what you are now. You said he didn't want to live with you because you wouldn't allow him to drink. Yet, you came home, SO MANY times, and found him wasted, and you still continued to allow him to live with you. And when you would come home & find him drunk, and he would want me to lie & say he hadn't been drinking, which I didn't do, you would say to him, "don't drag Toni into this! This isn't her fault! This is between you & me!" So, again, why is it my fault now that he's gone?? You knew EVERYTHING because I told you, confided in you! Now, you're only choosing to tell bits and pieces of the ACTUAL story! Well, you continue to lie, I'll continue telling the truth! You only told people I bought his alcohol. You didn't tell them about the countless fights. The begging him not to drink. You didn't tell them how he would take my keys, tear my stuff up, take my medication & hide it from me. You remember that morning you came home from work & we were still up from the night before, arguing, because I had 3 Suboxone missing? You told me, 'he's lying. He has them. I know when my brother is lying.' No, you didn't tell them any of that! Just acted like I had a bottle waiting everyday for him. How many fucking times did I call you when he was doing these things!!?? And beg you to come pick him up?? But, wait. What was your answer to that? Oh, yes, TAKE HIM TO A HOMELESS SHELTER. CALL THE COPS ON HIM! OR RANDY IS COMING OVER. You sat in our living room and told him he couldn't live with you anymore, ever. You told me & him you were trying to get your daughter back & baby daddy didn't like Doug because he drank. You said you wouldn't compromise that for Doug. And I don't blame you for that. (By the way, the day Doug died, you used his death & went to where your daughter lives & got her. Doug would've been so pissed off! You hadn't seen her in years! They wouldn't even let you anywhere near her. Yet you used your brothers death to get her that day!! Told them you needed her. Doug & I talked about that a lot as well! The Sunday before he died, he was talking about it. He said step mom was a saint compared to you. And that you would never get her back. I got mad at him for saying that about you! I know you won't believe it, but yes, it's so very true! And that wouldn't have gone so smoothly had Doug been living & you couldn't use his death to get her!) So, don't act like you were just this loving, caring sister now that he's no longer here!! I'm so sick of it! Doug would tell me he'd rather go to jail then live with his sister again. No, not because you wouldn't let him drink. Because, I mean, he can't drink in jail either! And let's face it, you DID let him drink! By saying you'd kick him out, but you never did! Every bottle you would find, and NOT POUR THEM OUT,  instead you'd write a note on it & put it in the freezer for him, every time you'd come home & find him wasted. Never kicked him out. You even told him one time, when he wont allowed here at my house, that you knew my mom wouldn't let him be homeless if you kicked him out. So what stopped you? Big talker? It won't because he had nowhere else to go. You were JUST LIKE ME! You couldn't kick him out because you loved him. Just as I did. Even knowing he was still drinking in your house! Drinking around your son when I would babysit him. (You told your mom that I cuss at my kids & around my kids. But have you EVER seen me slap either of them in the mouth? As you done to Noah, SEVERAL times! And, as I recall, you cuss just as much as I do around your son! Don't act like you're mother of the year because you're FAR FROM IT!) So don't act all big & bad now like you didn't allow him to drink, BECAUSE YOU DID! Just because you didn't walk into the store & buy it for him, don't mean you didn't allow it to happen! You say he was only with me because I let him drink. He was a 27 year old GROWN ASS MAN! I think you learned, he would find a way to get alcohol! So, tell me. When he moved back in with you last July, where he had internet access, phone access, why didn't he just break up with me then? We'd only been together a few months. He could've cut his ties then, come to your house & found him a skank to buy him alcohol, as he did in the past. So, why didn't he do it, Tosha?? Because he loved me & he loved the kids! That's why! The first night he had to spend there, alone, YOU sent me a text telling me he hadn't left his room all day. You said he looked like a sad little puppy dog. So, you told him me & the kids could come over & suddenly he got happy! I remember that day, like it was yesterday. Oh, wait, I guess it happened because he wanted to drink, huh? Not because he loved us? Nope. He had alcohol that day. He said he couldn't be there & deal with you unless he was drunk. You & your 'holier then thou' fucking attitude. You can drink, smoke weed, because you work & pay your bills, right? (Hardly! Since you were constantly behind on everything with a $500 Comcast bill in Doug's name! You wander why he wanted your satellite cut off!! The only thing left to do now is finish the identity theft process for DirecTV where you had your boyfriend call & pretend to be Doug & have it hooked up in his name. Doug didn't want you running yet another bill up in his name. He told me the day before he died to call & have it cut off. I'm only doing what HE wanted!) That's what you would say to us. You expected him to not drink at your house. Except you would buy wine & leave it in the fridge right in front of him. You & whatever man you were with would bring liquor in & leave it sitting in front of him. How did you expect him to not drink in that environment?? I remember one incident when Doug had quit drinking for a few weeks, after the window was busted in your kitchen. You & Devon (I think that was his name) brought a bottle of tequila in the house & left it the next day, when you went to work. Doug seen it & said, 'she don't want me to drink, but she does this!' I said just leave it alone. You had left it in your room & we had done your laundry & he went to put the laundry on your bed & seen it. You quite sure YOU don't have a drinking problem?? So, please don't act like you had no part in him drinking! That's the difference between you & I. Even though I know all of this, I never blame you for a grown man drinking. I'm not that stupid! I know he's going to do what he wants. It's not easy to quit cold turkey! The sickness that comes after you quit. A sickness you can actually DIE from! You have no fucking idea! You think he ever quit drinking while he was living with you?!? NOPE. He told me himself that he was only sober for 3 months when he lived in Radford one time & was going to AA meetings. I said Tosha compares everything to when you first moved in with her. She said you were sober a month until you got cable & had Internet & could find someone to take you to the store. I said I can probably guarantee you weren't sober then. He said, I won't! I just hid it well. I would drink enough to where she wouldn't know it. You are so naïve!! And you never knew as much as you thought you did! Ever! I don't understand how things could be ok while he was living, but now that he's gone, you turn on me like you have! Because you are, just as he said you were, "a hypocritical, ghetto ass bitch that thinks she does no wrong!" You are a child. You can't talk like an adult does. Hey, we're grown ups & at some point, you have to start acting like it. We're not in high school anymore. 

Now, this obituary you put in the paper. I know it didn't come out yesterday. I'm not stupid! My point is, you waited until you knew I had put one in the paper & only mentioned His REAL family & not any of you. You said in this obituary, written for an 18 year old kid, (nice TEN year old photo!) that he loved family gatherings. Umm, the year we were together, not one family gathering was attended. Only your Christmas 'gathering' that he didn't want to go to anyway (unless I was coming). I called you & told you he didn't want to come. He wanted to come with me. Only after I told him for an hour he had to go, and you threatened to take his presents back (which he didn't care anyway. A fucking pair of pajama pants!), did he go. Then, while there, he sat on Facebook begging me to hurry up & come get him. (Screenshots below)

Screenshots of inbox messages on Facebook. Doug began messaging me before I could get up the road from dropping him off at his sisters house. 'All alone with these ghetto fucks!' That's the term of endearment to which he ALWAYS referred to his sister as! (The messages in the white boxes are from Doug)

I was in Nelson County with my moms side of our family. He wanted to come with me. And NOT so he could drink! But because he didn't want to be at his sisters! 

Proof these messages were sent on Christmas Eve. 

Constantly messaging me! 

Again, you'll say, very ignorantly, that it's because I had his liquor. Again, not so. He had to drink to even be around you & your friends. We went to the ABC store before we came to your house. He bought the $9 bottle & poured it into two empty $4 bottles so it would be small. You spent most of the time at your friends house across the trailer park cooking. So, he had ample opportunity to drink. And he did. He still had some left when I got there to get him. So, no, not so he could drink. But because he DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE! (He told me, after I picked him up, that he felt uncomfortable & out of place) Again, something you knew BEFORE he died! So, again, don't act like you didn't know these things about him or that I'm lying because you know I'm not! I have no reason to lie! I gain nothing from it! You thanked me for putting his obituary in the paper, via text message, on March 22nd. I did not answer you because I didn't need a thank you. It's what should've been done in the first place. And, clearly, you hadn't read it yet. Only knew because YOU were stalking MY Facebook page & seen it in a post. I had you blocked so one of your friends seen it & told you. You constantly say that just because I have you blocked, don't mean you can't see what I'm posting. Only if you TRY and see what I'm posting by having your friends stalk & creep my page. That's really stalking when you have your friends/crazy ass family stalk my page. You see it on Doug's page because I WANT YOU TO SEE IT! If I didn't want you to see it, I wouldn't tag Doug in it or post it, period! You mentioned how Doug loved to draw & his most recent drawings were a Spider-Man drawn for his nephew & one of a past home. Something else you wouldn't have know had you not seen it on my Facebook page! I framed all of his drawings at his service I held for him. You seen the photo of it on Facebook but failed to mention the rest of them I know you saw! Oh, because those were involving me. And you couldn't stand that! The Spider-Man was almost a year ago for Noah's birthday party. And my name is on the bottom of that (which I'm sure you've erased by now) because he drew it & I colored it. He had a lot of recent drawings but you all would know that had you been in his life. But, unfortunately, you were not, including YOU! You talked to ME everyday, not Doug. You would message him on Facebook & get no response. Because he didn't want to talk to you. You, like the rest of your sorry family, constantly pointing out everything he was doing WRONG. Never what he was doing right. Who wants to hear that all the time!? (And he was doing things right! He had finally started going to work & trying to do better! Just because he drank the night before he passed, don't mean he won't trying! He'd go two or three days & not drink at all!) I can't take any of this anymore! I know he probably did like family shit before he became an alcoholic! Then again, several people have told me since he died that he was always arguing with your mom! I've heard she was overbearing, and what she says went, and that was it! I've heard from several friends of Dougs how these arguments have been going on for years! Not just since he began drinking! Which Doug himself told me that as well. And YOU told me too! All I know is what I've been told by him & you in the past almost year. I haven't twisted anything. I've told it as it was told to me. (Including EVERYTHING I told Larry when I replied to his pathetic message from a page he made for the sole purpose of sending me a message!) Everything in that obituary was bullshit! I knew you wouldn't mention us as that's a given. You're all just THAT sorry! Doug would be so pissed off about that!! And you KNOW IT! That's what's so sad about this too. You know Doug would've wanted us there! He ALWAYS wanted me with him!  Y'all are remembering someone he wasn't anymore. I don't care if he did quit drinking, addiction changes you in every way! He would've NEVER been that person again. Ever. Who in the world is the same person they were at 18 anyway? Addiction or not!! I mean you put his high school senior picture in the paper, a ten year old photo!! What is that!?!? That's the only photo any of you have used in remembering him! He wasn't 18 years old! You use a current photo! He don't even look the same! So sad that none of you even had a current photo. Or were you just too ashamed to use one? "Oh God, he might have been drinking when he took this photo or that photo." Too ashamed of who he was that you had to do that? I had several beautiful photos of his big beautiful smile! If he was so unhappy, it would've shown! I wrote Doug's obituary the way HE wanted it written! We talked about more then you think. Even though I have no idea why you would think any different! After all, he was my (future) husband. Doug & I were married in every sense. All we were missing was the paper. He was my husband, my Doug Williams & I was his wife, his Toni Williams. It don't matter what all of you think you know. I'm sick of this bullshit of Doug not really loving me. Tosha, you told me yourself that at you thought at first, he was only with me to drink. But then you seen that he really loved me. So, I ask again, why are things different now that he's gone?? You said he & you had a conversation one time about how Doug didn't want kids, didn't like kids. But then, after he was with me a while & was helping me with Gavin & Kenadi, he said it made him sad that I couldn't have anymore kids. You told me that in front of Doug! You are telling quite a bit of lies now that he's gone! When he was living, you claim you took up for me. But you wouldn't of had to take up for me had you not been running your big ass mouth, telling all of our business to your bitch ass mama! You were stabbing backs BEFORE Doug ever even died! Mine AND Doug's backs! Your mom had absolutely NO REASON not to like me until you started telling her every single thing I ever told you! You said she made a comment once that I had to be on drugs to "put up with Doug drinking." She should be glad that her son spent his last year SURROUNDED by love, everyday! UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! Not, "we'll only talk to you if you don't drink. And you live your life the way WE think you should" Had it not been for me, he probably would've died in someone's home he was forced to live in because all of you turned your backs on him! Like the homes where he had to sleep on the floor! Like so many places where he's lived in the past couple years. I gave Doug a family, stability. If your mom cared so fucking much, why, when you would walk in our home talking to her on your phone, (and you would tell her, 'I'm at Doug's') did she never, NOT ONCE, even ask or try to talk to Doug?? Holidays passed without a word from any of them!? And yes, he did look at me while he was in the hospital & say, "I wander what my mom would do if she knew I was here?" But I asked him, "do you want me to tell her? I can send her a Facebook message." But he said "HELL NO DON'T TELL HER! I don't want any of them here! They don't care anyway!" And not because you'd tell them he was an alcoholic! (Which I DID end up telling them! You never let me tell you the whole story about the hospital visit! & had I followed Doug's wishes, I wouldn't have called you when he died! I was told very specifically, when I told him you were mad at me for not telling you he was in the hospital, "not to call that bitch if he did die" Because I told him exactly what I told you, "had they told me he was dying, of course I would've called you!") You all showed him that you did not care! And if you did, you had a hell of a way of showing it! I get it. Your mom & 'family', tried helping him. She sent him to detox & rehab. I KNOW SHE DID! So, there's no need to keep telling me that! But when it didn't work, she shouldn't have cut off ALL CONTACT with him! If anything, that only makes it worse! She could've cut him off financially & stopped helping him, enabling him in that way. But not emotionally! So, don't get upset at me because I did the opposite! I still thought Doug had it in him to quit. I didn't want to give up hope for him. And I never did! I stuck by him until the bitter end! You made the comment, after your mom sent him the message on Thanksgiving telling him she hoped he could "find something to be thankful for", that he had a lot to be thankful for. He had a family, me, & the kids! And Doug said the same thing! So, I'm finding it hard to believe that everything is my fault, now that he's gone! And, for the record, he absolutely DID tell my mama, crying a week before he died, he looked at her & said, "I love Toni. I love Gavin & Kenadi. And I'm going to marry her & be a good daddy to the kids. And believe it or not, I love you, more then I do my own mom." You have no idea what happened the last month of his life! He & mama had began to get along & grew to love one another! She gave him a chance. She seen how wonderful he was to the kids & how much they loved him & he loved them. She seen him putting forth an effort. And that's all that mattered to her. Yes, you did hear us say things about my mom out of anger, but I heard you say PLENTY about your mom too! After he told her that, he said, "I'm just sick right now." And he was sick! And he thought he had no one in the world but us. You asked me how I could say that to a mother who just lost her baby. How can they say half of what they have to ME!? When I did answer her EVIL, HATEFUL message, I was nice to her! I told her several times that I was sorry she lost her son! I'm supposed to just overlook her hurtful words because she lost her son!? Take a page from your own book! 'You're not the only one that lost Doug!' WE lost him too!! I don't deserve to have hurtful things, LIES, said to me out of guilt & jealously! What I said was the TRUTH! Words straight from Doug's mouth! As Larry said to me, 'I'm sorry the truth hurts!' The truth only hurts if it's indeed true. Nothing he said was true! That's why that hurt your mom so much. Because, deep down, she knows it's true! Deep down, you all know what I'm saying is true! You just can't admit it. That's why you are stuck on the same stupid shit & can't think of anything else to say except, 'you bought him alcohol. You took him to the store.' That's why you're lashing out at me as you're doing. But look in the mirror before you continue doing the same tired stuff everyday. You're only making yourselves look so very pathetic! Everyone can see it BUT you! EVERYONE says the same thing about all of you: you feel so guilty because Of the way you treated him while he was living, that you're lashing out at me. You resent me & innocent children because we spent his last year living with him. And you have no idea how it was spent. That's YOUR fault, NOT MINE!! You have no idea what you've done by not allowing us to attend his service & you don't care. That's what's so sad! You robbed us of part of the grieving process! Did you even consider the fact that our children saw Doug AFTER he died!? That they watched me helplessly try & wake him up!? THEY WERE HERE! No, you don't care! This could've gone so differently! Then you had the audacity to bitch to me about you having to pay $900 for his cremation! And how Tyler gave you $500 of it back! Yet, when you came here the morning he died, you stood in our yard & said to us, "money is no object to us! I'm sure my uncle will pay for everything." We were telling you about Colbert Moran funeral home & how wonderful they are. I had $5000 that day! We could've helped. Paid for everything & gave him the funeral he fucking DESERVED! When you asked me if I had any nice clothes for him to be buried in, I said I'd buy him something. And you said, "no. Our mom should do that." WHY SHOULD SHE!? And when you first arrived, acting just as ghetto as ever, you were on the phone with your mom & we heard her say, "what's gonna happen to my son now?" I think it was a bit late to be asking that question! Maybe she should've cared a bit more when he was living! That way she wouldn't feel so much guilt now! You told her you had to go because you had to identify his body! SUCH BULLSHIT! You ASKED if you could see his body! You did NOT have to identify it!!! He lived here! I knew EVERYTHING about him & had already told them BEFORE you got here! I gave them his full name, social security number, birthday, address, phone number. You were called because they needed a funeral home to come get his body! NOT TO IDENTIFY HIS BODY! You didn't even have to come here! But no you had to put on a show! Do you even know how ignorant you sounded telling them it was my fault he was dead!? As if I killed him! Jesus Christ, you are ignorant! You told me, while stalking me on Instagram, that you "told me to keep your families name out of my trashy mouth." TRASHY!? Really!!?? The only trash I've seen is you! Let's not even talk about trash because I could go on & on about that! 

I understand now, more then I EVER did why Doug didn't talk to any of you! Every message I've received from you crazy people have just been constantly been putting him down. Almost making fun of him. "He went from job to job. No car. Drank everyday. Lived with any girl that would let him drink. Why would you even allow an alcoholic like him around your children?" Like that's all there was to him! Doug was amazing in EVERY WAY! No matter how many arguments we had, no matter what happened between us, we stayed together because we loved one another. I'm sorry that you've never felt a love like that! A love that can move mountains! A love that always felt new! I have all the proof I need that Doug loved me! And he loved Gavin & Kenadi. He thanked me everyday for giving him a family! He told me everyday how obsessed he was with me & how much he loved me! Example below. 

"I know we'll be together forever because  no matter what goes on and bad things... I'm always completely obsessed with u." 

"It's unbelievable cuz I didn't think it was possible but yes I'm soooo obsessed and in love with you."

I feel sorry for all of you! It can't be easy living with all the guilt, jealousy & resentment that you all feel! I'm so glad I harbor none of those feelings! I have no reason to. I never abandoned him when he needed me! He told me that was part of the reason he loved me. Because no matter how bad things could get, I never, EVER left him! 

So, this is absolutely it for me! I've blocked all of you from every single social media site. I blocked you from calling and texting me. Stop making Facebook pages just to send me messages. Stop getting on Instagram & stalking me. Back the fuck off of me with your lame ass blame game. Women & man up. Take your part in his death while you're blaming me everyday. No one walks on water around here! None of you are perfect! None of you are 'Godly'. If you were, you'd see that all of you have done me & my kids sorry & just plain wrong! All of you are exactly how Doug told me you were! Hypocritical, judgmental, ASSHOLES! I made a few bad decisions during our relationship. But I do not blame myself for him dying. Nothing that happened during our relationship is for you to understand. It's NONE of your business! It's between Doug & I. We know how we felt about one another. We didn't ask your opinion when he was living & we don't need it now! Get over yourselves! Quit doing things out of spite for me. Remember him because he deserves it! Remember him for who he was, not as an 18 year old boy or an alcoholic! He was a beautiful 27 year old man! He was fun, silly, beautiful, loving, romantic & just absolutely AMAZING!! In every single sense of the word! I no longer care what any of you think or say. You are the most ignorant bunch of people I've ever seen. You are childish, selfish & just horrible people! You are fake. Let this be 'your lesson learned from Doug's death:' don't wait until it's too late to care about your children or your family. Love them, have a relationship with them, no matter what their life choices are! Time gone cannot be returned! I'm so happy that I was blessed with the 11 months I got to spend with Doug!

And I'm done. The next message I receive from ANY of you, I will file harassment charges. Anything I've sent was a reply to messages sent to me FIRST.  Haven't you done enough to me & my children!?!? Trust me, you could've stopped at not allowing us at his service. Gavin & Kenadi still ask why they couldn't come. They struggle daily with the pain of not having their daddy here! Let me end this by saying: imagine if our roles were switched & Doug & I had of been married. Imagine if I denied you the opportunity to say goodbye to your son, your brother, your nephew, your grandson (as I could have done but NEVER would have, because I'm not like any of you!). Imagine THAT! 

Screenshot of him telling me over & over that he loves me & calling me Toni Williams. I have over 11,000 of these messages! 

He just didn't want to be there! I was telling him he only wanted to leave so he could drink! He did not like to be there if she was there! That's why, when you would ask him why he wanted to come to my house cuz we didn't have internet, he still wanted to come cuz of YOU! 

Too crowded and annoyed with YOU! I'm sure if I looked back far enough, I could find PLENTY of messages with proof of EVERYTHING I say!!! But I'm stopping here! 

My Doug.....

I was told that it would help if I write as a way to deal with Doug's death. So, here it is. 

Today is the first day that I'm here in my house totally alone. No kids. No one. Just me. And I'm completely miserable! Totally lost without him. I've spent every single day of my life for the past year with him. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!?! How in the fuck am I supposed to continue living here?!?! I've changed everything about my house. But I still see Doug everywhere! Every time I walk in my living room, I see him on that couch. 

I relive the worst thing that's ever happened to me! I have to talk about that day. I see myself standing over him begging him to wake up! Telling him, "get up baby! We've got plans today! PLEASE wake up!!" Our babies standing behind me asking me why he won't wake up. Then realizing he's gone, I told Gavin & Kenadi to get in there room as I frantically searched for my phone to call 911. All the while praying that the commotion will wake him up. Praying that maybe it had just happened & he will wake up! But knowing in the back of my mind, he was gone & had probably been gone at least 2-3 hours. I had to get out of here! I called 911 & told them my fiancé was dead on our couch. I was in a sheer panic & in shock. I grabbed our babies & ran up the hall to take them outside. I told them not to look at him, but they did anyway. They knew that's the last time they would see the man they called daddy. The man that spent so much time with them everyday. 

Doug was an alcoholic. Anyone that knew him knows that. I felt for Doug. I knew what he was going through. Some don't know but, I'm an addict myself. I've been clean 5 years now from pain pills. I've felt the sickness he would feel when he didn't drink. I thought I knew exactly how he felt. But I didn't. Not really. He would get so sick & destructive at the same time. I loved Doug & I wanted to help him. I wish I could've taken it all away from him. And I'm sorry if sometimes my help was to get him what would take his pain & sickness away. I admit, 100% that I enabled him. But at the same time, I begged him EVERY SINGLE DAY to PLEASE STOP DRINKING! I told him he was slowly killing himself everyday & he was killing us, our relationship! But when you're addicted to something & you're withdrawing, you can't see beyond that sickness! All you can think about is getting the liquor or whatever you're addicted to! I know because I've been where he was! No one knew what went on in my house & he & I struggled everyday because of alcohol & it's hold on Doug. The worst part of it all is everyday I would talk to him about it. I would tell him, "if you continue this, you won't live to see 30!" But Doug thought the only way an alcoholic would die is from serousis (spelling is probably wrong) of the liver. I would tell him, "no, Doug! Anything can happen! You can pass out & throw up in your sleep & choke on it! You can have seizures!" I know, from being an addict myself, that there's only 2 things they'll put you in the hospital to detox from: herion & alcohol. Because you can die. You can have strokes, seizures, hallucinations, all kinds of shit can happen! He just wouldn't listen to me! The fucking night before he died, we had a 2 hour conversation about this very thing! I cried asking him, "do you want me & the kids to find you dead!?! Because that would kill us!!" He said, "no, baby, I don't want that to happen!" No matter what anyone thinks, I tried my hardest to get him to stop! All the way up to the night before he died! I feel like I knew this was going to happen one day but not so fucking soon!! Not so soon! I told my mama when I met Doug, "I've found my soulmate & watch, something is gonna happen to him! It's gonna be like a sappy love story where they find their true love & then one of them dies!" And fuck, I was right!! I hid his secret for him & I shouldn't have. I knew that then. But I won't living for the fact that I was going to find him dead. I lived for that day. No arguing. No fighting over drinking. We took it day by day. That's all we could do. 

I don't blame myself for Doug's death. I know some do. But here's the thing. If Doug wanted to drink, he would find a way! I didn't buy the last bottles that he drank. HE BOUGHT THEM. HE FOUND A WAY TO THE STORE!! I did buy it for him, a lot. And God knows, I know I shouldn't have. But no one knows what I had to go through if I didn't get it. But I lovedDoug & I knew it was his addiction, not him, not how he really was! I could've ran away when I figured out he was an alcoholic but that would've made me a hypocritical bitch! And I loved him. I wanted to help him! I didn't want to abandon him when he needed me! I don't care what anyone says, he won't with me because I bought him alcohol & gave him rides. If that was the case, he had PLENTY of opportunities to call someone else to do it for him. Like when moved back in with his sister. He could've taken that opportunity to call or get in touch with someone else but he didn't! He wanted me there with him, everyday! And I wanted to be there. He could've broken up with me then, but he didn't. And that's a long time just to stay with someone and carry on a charade just because of alcohol! That's ridiculous! 

My beautiful gift from my beautiful friend, Amanda Parks! I love you, Mander J!!

Anyway, I just want everyone to know how sorry I am that this happened! This is not how I wanted things to turn out! I'd give anything to have my Doug back! ANYTHING!!! I did everything I possibly could! I begged & pleaded everyday! I've been over every single coulda, woulda shoulda. I've thought of everything I would have done differently. But I don't thing anything would change the end result. God knew when he put Doug in his mothers womb, that he would only be here 27 years and he was going to die on March 10, 2015. I just had the unfortunate chance of being here when he died. And finding him afterwards. And I'll have to live with that image for the rest of my life. Not only me, but Gavin & Kenadi as well. That's not something you just forget happened! It's not like we broke up & it just hurts a little to be here. It kills me to walk in our house! It fucking KILLS ME! And it kills Gavin. He's only been home 3 times since Doug died. I had my family. Doug had his family. And now that family has been torn apart. And I'm trying to keep it together but I'm I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. 

Me & my beautiful baby!

As I tell my children, when they ask about Doug, one things certain in this life and that's death. Everyone dies. Some don't make it out of their mothers womb. Some die as children or teenagers. Some die at 27 & some live to be 100! We are all a borrowed gift from God & one day we'll have to be returned to him. And it will hurt the ones left behind that love you. But life carries on. We have to find a way to accept this fact. God be with us as we mourn the loss of a gift that was leant to us & taken back far too soon! We love you, Doug, more than you'll ever know! I'm so happy that you're free now & FINALLY at peace! Wrap your arms around all of us that miss you so much! Your mom, your sister & brother. Your grandparents, cousins, aunts & uncles. Your friends. And me, Gavin & Kenadi! 

Family of pirates on Halloween! So much fun!

Til we meet again my love, wait for me on the other side..... 💔💔💫😘🌠

ALWAYS IN MY HEART❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️