Doug,
I have so much to say to you I don't exactly know where to start. I miss you so bad but at the same time, I'm so mad at you! Baby, I begged you every single day to please stop drinking! I told you time after time that if you kept on the way you were going that you wouldn't live to see 30! All the while, having this gut feeling that I would be right. Why?! Why couldn't you just STOP!? I already know the answer to that question. I guess I hoped that me & the kids would be enough to make you want to quit. But I knew better. I've been where you were! So I knew better. I know you wanted to quit. I watched you cry, day after day. I knew your intentions were good. That's why I chose to stay with you when others would've ran for the hills. I know you know I didn't want to buy you alcohol, EVER! You knew that because of the countless arguments we had over that very thing. This silent battle between you & I. Because you didn't want my mama to hate you if she knew you were still drinking. I chose to fight this battle with you alone, in silence from my family & friends. The only other person that knew was Tosha. And you hated it that I told her. But I had to tell someone, Doug! You were driving me insane every single day of my life! The sleepless nights, I was EXHAUSTED! You knew that because I would beg you at night to PLEASE let me sleep!!! Truth is, (& I told you this as well) I actually dreaded nighttime. Because I knew what my night would hold. I'm so mad at you for not listening to me! I know if you could, you would tell me, "I should've listened to you, baby!" As you always did when I'd tell you something was gonna happen & then it did.
Enough about that. There's absolutely nothing that can be done now. I want to tell you I'm sorry. I find myself crying and apologizing to you quite often. You were so dependent on me for everything. When you got sick the week before you passed away, you had to have me there. You wouldn't let me call or tell anyone you were there because you only wanted me there, you said. I know they think it's because you were scared they'd tell on you for drinking. But we know the truth. We ALWAYS knew the truth when no one else did! I find myself apologizing because I couldn't save you, as much as I desperately wanted & NEEDED too! As much as the kids wanted me to save you, I couldn't. I seen something in you no one else had seen for years, apparently. I seen ambition, desire, hope, beauty, kindness. But most of all I seen LOVE! A love that could NEVER be replaced by anyone! You & I used to talk about so many things. We used to tell one another if I died first, I'd come back & visit you & if you died first, you'd come back & visit me. Don't ask me why we would talk about that, lol!! Definitely not something I'd ever discussed with anyone else before! But, then again, we done A LOT of things I'd never done with anyone else! 😘 I miss all those things. I miss you, baby. I miss your sweet kisses, your smile, your silliness, your sweetness. I miss waking up & you would be rubbing my feet in the middle of the night, lotion & all! You were obsessed with my feet! Obsessed with me all around! You told me everyday! I miss that now. God, I don't think I've EVER missed someone so much in my life! I was so tired of arguing with you everyday over drinking. So sick of begging you to go to work everyday. So sick of a lot of things. Our last month or so was rough! But the week before you passed away, things were looking up & I really thought we were going to be ok. I had no fucking idea this was going to happen. You were trying. I know you were. But, as I told you all the time, it was so much bigger then you were! Addiction had totally taken you over! Your "life of the party" lifestyle turned into "a way of life". You had to drink to feel normal everyday. And simply not buying it for you or not taking you to the store, wasn't an option. The sickness that would follow was terrifying for not only you but for me. And I felt as any fiancé would feel, scared & hurt for you. I would tell you everyday that I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life this way. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you but not that way. Not with you sick & us arguing all the time because of the drinking. I wanted you, all of you. No one knew what we really went through day to day. The love you & I had was unlike any other I'd ever experienced before! I guess it's really like you always said to me, you thought you had been in love in the past until you met me. Then you knew you never loved anyone else before me. You told me everyday that you were not with me just because I bought your alcohol. It did cross my mind, of course it did! But you had ample opportunity to leave me & you never did! I believe you, Doug. And only you. Your family, they never knew us as a couple. Only your sister. And she can deny it all she wants too, now that you're gone, but she knows you loved me! She knew everything! But she turned on me as I knew she would. You told me to stop telling her our business but I wouldn't listen. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, baby. I'm sorry for a lot of things.
Why, Doug, why didn't you come wake me up the night before you died!?!? You always did!! I keep thinking I could've helped you. I don't know what happened to you. I'll probably never know since your so-called family are being the assholes you told me they were. You looked like you had a seizure & I could've possibly helped you & thats fucking killing me! Please tell me there's nothing I could've done. That it was just your time! That's what I tell myself anyway. I tell myself that there's a reason I won't in our living room with you. And that reason being God knew I couldn't have helped you. He didn't want me to see you dying & possibly the kids see you dying, and not be able to help you. Just stand there, helplessly trying. He knew it was going to be hard enough on us having to find you the next morning. Oh my God, finding you the next morning was heartbreaking! Doug, we talked for 2 hours on Monday night before you died. We sat in this living room & talked about how I didn't want to wake up & find you dead, how if I found you, the kids would find you too!!! And I asked you if you wanted us to find you that way! You said no baby, I don't!! Fuck me, it happened the next fucking day!!!! (And FUCK OFF to anyone that don't like my choice of language! I found him DEAD, that gave me the right to say fuck if I so choose to!!!). I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that you're gone, babe. How can this be?!?! How can I not wake up to you everyday anymore. It's been over 2 months & I still miss you so fucking bad!! I smell you here still & you know how much your scent made me melt! It was orgasmic! I still have your things exactly how you left them. It's sad really. I saved the napkin you wiped your mouth with the night before you died, the Pepsi bottle that I pulled outta the trash can to keep because you drank out of it! The glass you drank out of that night. Even the food we cooked is STILL in the refrigerator right now, I'm sure molded, but I can't make myself throw it out because it's the last meal we had together. I'm sad, Doug, very sad here without you. I still expect you to wake me up during the night. I still sleep in your shirts, sprayed with your cologne/body spray, just like I did when you were here. I got no sleep before you died & even less after. I'm a mess, a hot mess. I need you. I want you back. Every time something happens I want to tell you. In person. Not talk to myself like a crazy person. I just still can't believe this is my life now, your life ended before it even really began. It's not fucking fair. I can think of so many other people it should've been. But not my Doug! My sweet, caring & loving Doug! We were robbed. You were robbed of your life, me of my husband, my kids of their true father. Your 'loving' step dad had the audacity to ask me why I had an alcoholic like you around my kids in the first place. That I must've been sick myself to do that. No, Larry. I wasn't sick. I saw him, REALLY SAW HIM. YOU DID NOT. I had you around my kids because you were good to them. Overall, you were wonderful. You were daddy. It will make you very happy to know that when you passed away, the kids told their teachers their daddy died. You always loved it when they referred to you as daddy, or wrote you notes addressed to daddy. They still talk about you everyday too. They miss you so much. Gavin wasn't even happy to start baseball because you weren't here to help him and come to his games.
I want you to know that if I could go back, baby, back to when you first messaged me on POF, I wouldn't change a thing! Even if I'd known our fate. I am blessed to have known you, Douglas! BLESSED! I am happy I got 11 months with you. I hate the way it ended & hate that my life is forever changed, and not in a good way. I hate that my soul mate is now just a memory. The peace I get is knowing you passed away where you were loved, UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED, everyday of your life. We loved you & never turned you away, despite the drinking. Did I agree with or like you drinking everyday? HELL NO!!! But I put up with it because I loved you. And nothing or no one will ever change that! No matter how many pathetic messages they send blaming me! Which, thank God, they haven't done in a while now. (By the way, WOW, you were so right about them!!). Please know that I will love you forever Doug! No one will ever take your place, EVER! I can't wait until we can be together again. But until then, wait for me on the Other Side. Watch over us, baby. And feel free to (continue) visiting us! I'll write again soon. 😍♥️💋💋
Yours, FOREVER,
Your Toni Williams
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