United In Loss? Not So Much!

I don't have to explain to anyone who reads my blog or are fans of my Facebook page, the importance of a good support system when grieving the loss of a baby. Yesterday, the support system that I have established, and work very hard to establish, for nearly 3,000 people was nearly taken away. And for what reason?

About six months ago, when I first started really working on my facebook page, I found a graphic on Google. See, I make graphics for the ladies on my page as a way to keep our angels memories alive. Usually when I make a graphic, I find something basic, sometimes through Google, and I build on it. Sometimes I make them from scratch. I NEVER use anything that has a watermark or copyright info on it. Strictly use free graphics. Anyway, I found a graphic that had a blue & pink footprint, a heart and wings on it. That's ALL THE GRAPHIC HAD ON IT. No copyright material, no Web page and no facebook page. I made a graphic and posted it for people to request. No problems. Well, day before yesterday, I made a cover photo out of this same graphic and, as usual, uploaded it for everyone to request. I made them and uploaded them, as usual. Yesterday, when I woke up, I got on my page and discovered drama to beat all drama! A lady, named Tammy*, had commented under nearly every one of the graphics saying that I had stolen the graphic and that it belonged to her and another girl named Keri*. In my inbox, Keri had sent me a message demanding that I take down the graphic that I "stole" from her or she would be "forced to take legal action" against me. She claimed the graphic was copyrighted except when I asked for proof, I was ignored. In her message, she also offered to "help me make digitalized images that I wouldn't have to take from others". That's a joke! First of all, you don't accuse me of stealing from you in one sentence and then offer to "help" me in the next! I've never been so offended in my life! So stunned that fellow angel mothers are acting this way!

Now, granted, I can see getting upset over this if someone purposely took something of yours and then took credit for it. But before I would start throwing out threats and claiming you stole it from me, I would first ask, you know, "where did you find this graphic because it belongs to me". You don't go on someones page and openly accuse them of "stealing" from you!! This can automatically cause the person to lose fans and give them a reputation of being a thief, so to speak. I say, so to speak, because I don't see using a graphic as "stealing." Anyway, I tried explaining that I most certainly did NOT take the graphic from her page. I told her I found the graphic, just as it was, in a Google search. I told her that if she showed me proof that she had the graphic copyrighted then I would gladly take them all down. This was ignored and she immediately went to reporting every single graphic that had the footprints on them.

Now, to veer away from the story for a minute, to give a little background about Keri. I was a fan on her page nearly two years ago. Although I was on the page, I rarely actually participated in anything. So, one day, I decided that I would request one of the graphics she had up. As I said, I'd never requested one before. Therefore, I didn't know what or how she done things or how I was supposed to find it. She said only the first 100 people to comment could get one. I was around the 30th person to comment, well within a 100. So, when she made them, I looked through them and didn't see mine. I seen the girl in front of me and the one that was behind me. But not mine. So, I left a wall post, simply saying, "I was wandering if you made the graphic for Kaylea? I've never requested one so I didn't know if I was just looking in the wrong place, lol! Thank you!" You would think that I had just cussed her out! A woman commented and said to me "it's people like you that causes her to stop doing graphics!" So, that made me very angry and confused! I said, "all I asked was am I looking in the wrong place! I didn't say anything bad!" In the meantime, I emailed Keri because even though I rarely participated, I had met some really sweet women within the page. I didn't want to be kicked off over something so petty. I told Keri the story and told her that I didn't mean anything bad by asking where it was or if she had done it yet. I told her I was sorry if it offended her. A few minutes later, I received a response from Keri. She not only emailed this to me, she posted it on the page. She said, "By asking me that, you're implying that I'm not doing my job. You have ruined the one night I have with my family by emailing me about the graphic. You didn't even request a graphic." She rambled on for a while about me asking her a question and how offended she was. So, I thought to myself, this page isn't supportive at all anyway. What support I have received has come from within the page from fellow fans. So, I told Keri, "I'm not like the rest of your fans. You are not going to talk to me like I'm a dog! All I did was ask a simple question about a graphic. I didn't say you weren't doing your job, nor did I imply that! You should have more respect for your fans!" After this, I left the page myself. This so called support page was full of drama. She treats her fans so terrible. She has a few choice women that she's wonderful to and the rest she's unbelievably rude to. I observed things on the page for quite some time and the way she treats some people is just uncalled for, in every way.

On this "support" page, she also sells jewelry and random things in memory of angels. Some time after the incident with the graphic, I was flipping through a magazine and found a necklace identical to one that she sells, very much overpriced. One that she claims she hand makes. She charges $50 for the necklace and another $10 for shipping. Now, I run a charity where I send bears out to people, free of charge by the way, and it only costs around $2 for shipping. Now I know it doesn't cost $10 to mail a necklace! They go by weight and a necklace is VERY light. Anyway, the one I found was only $30 with FREE SHIPPING! She's a crook and a fraud. She takes complete advantage of vulnerable grieving parents.

So, back to the story! As a result of her reporting over a 100 of my graphics, Facebook shut my page down. They also put me in a terrible spot with Facebook. I was warned about being shut down for good as I've been flagged as using copyrighted material. Which was a lie! Anyway, as I said above, having a proper support system is invaluable in the grieving process. We need someone we can turn to that knows what we are going through. I have nearly 3,000 people who have a support system within my page. My sole purpose is helping these wonderful women. And for some of them, my page is all they have. By having my page shut down, she also shut down the place these women turn to for comfort. And there's is nothing good about that. Granted, I didn't edit that graphic but the purpose of the graphics, no matter who made them is all the same: to help bereaved parents keep their Angels memories alive! These two ladies should know the importance of this. Instead of thinking about the consequences of their actions, they proceeded to report these graphics and have the page shut down. It's my opinion that people like them should not have the privileged of helping bereaved mothers. Obviously, they don't know how important having support is. But then again, I wouldn't expect someone whose sole purpose is making money off of bereaved parents, to understand the importance of having a support system. I don't sell anything on my page and my charity is free of charge for bereaved parents. I don't make people pay for the graphics I make either, no matter when they request one!

The purpose of me telling this is simple: think about what you're doing before you do it! These two childish girls reported these graphics, without first trying to find out how I got it in the first place. By doing that, they nearly tore away almost a year of work and over $500.00 I've personally put into my page. Without no regard for what they were doing! It's a shame that bereaved mothers can't come together and help each other without causing childish drama! We are supposed to be united in the loss of our angels, together, there for one another. Instead, some choose to pit themselves against others that are just trying to help! What drives a person to do this? Jealousy? Envy? Or just plain ignorance. Whatever the case, it needs to stop! We need to stand beside each other. No followers, no leaders. Walk beside one another. It only makes sense because we're all here for the same reason: we've lost a MUCH WANTED baby!

So, what I hope people take away from this blog is have a little respect for people who are just trying to help! If you stop and think about it, all that drama was caused over a graphic, A GRAPHIC! So, petty! And disappointing. Think before jumping to conclusions and throwing false accusations around! Think about the people you'd hurt by shutting a page down over something so stupid!

In closing, I'd like to thank my wonderful and loyal fans for not believing these horrible ladies and leaving my page! I want to thank everyone who has been with me since I started! Because of you ladies, I have a purpose! Thank you, ALL OF YOU!!

*Names have been changed to keep these children from reporting anything else & trying to sabotage what I've worked hard to do!*

Breathe, Baby, Just Breathe!

I've been through quite a lot in my 29 years on this earth. I've buried my first born baby, lost my second baby through a miscarriage and lost my granny all within 7 months of 2004. My husband left me at five months pregnant with every baby we have. I lost my other granny last July. All of this pales in comparison to what I woke up to on Friday, June 28, 2013 (yesterday).

On Thursday night, after I gave my daughter a bath, she felt a little warm. She had been outside playing earlier and I didn't know if she was just hot from being outside or if she was running a fever. So, to be on the safe side, I took her temperature. It was 100.7, which is not high. Both her and my son have run temps much higher than this plenty of times before. So, I gave her some Motrin and she went to sleep in my moms recliner. She wanted to sleep in the living room with me. I sleep on my couch because my bed hurts my back. Anyway, before she fell asleep, she told me, "I feel a lot better, Mommy." I said, that's great baby! I wasn't feeling well either. But we fell asleep.

At 8:30 am on Friday morning, I suddenly sat straight up on the couch. I don't know what woke me up. Maybe it was my motherly instinct kicking in. I heard a weird noise coming from the recliner and I could see that Kenadi was breathing funny. I got up and went over to her and what I seen will haunt me the rest of my life. A parents worst nightmare: my baby turning blue and unresponsive. Just typing this is sending my nerves into a knot in my stomach.

I touched her arm and her skin felt like it was on fire! She was making a gurgling noise and was foaming at the mouth, like little bubbles coming out of the corner of her mouth. She was breathing but barely. And it was like she was taking quick gasps of air. Her skin was bright red and her face was turning blue. I said her name, nothing. I lifted her up and it was just dead weight. At this point I began to panic. I started yelling, PLEASE WAKE KENADI, PLEASE BABY, WAKE UP!!!! And NOTHING!! She would open her eyes not even half way and they were rolling around in her head.

My Mom lives with us but she works third shift. I was here alone and since I didn't know what was happening, I was completely oblivious as to what to do. So, I just kept begging her to breathe. Please just breathe!! Please wake up, dear God, please let my baby wake up!! For some reason, I picked her up and took her outside and laid her in the grass. I had dialed 911 and I was holding the phone with my face and shoulder and my cheek must've hit the end button before anyone picked up. My neighbor, Vicki, always tells me, "if you ever need me, just call me." So, I just began screaming her name to the top of my lungs. I began screaming "somebody please help me, PLEASE HELP ME!!!!" I felt like I was in a bad scary movie where the person is screaming, help, and no one comes! All of a sudden, my Mom & Vicki come rolling into the yard. It turns out, Mom had run up to Vickis to pay her for mowing our grass on Thursday. So, she was at Vickis and they heard me screaming help me. Mom was just as scared as I was! By this time, I had called 911 & was on the phone with them. My Mom kept asking me what happened. I said, I don't know, when I woke up she was like this!! I came into the house to explain what was going on to dispatch. Through my hysterical panic, I tried my best to tell her what happened.

Meanwhile, Vicki come in and wet towels with cold water and Mama was outside still trying to get her to breathe. Mama was saying, Kenadi wake up baby, breathe, please look at me. And nothing happened. She was still laying there with her eyes rolling back in her head & by now Mama couldn't get a breath from her. At this time, Mama was positioning her to start CPR while Vicki covered her from head to toe with the cold towels. As Mama tilted her head to start CPR, she let out a breath and opened her eyes!!! My baby was coming back around!!

Mama picked her up and brought her inside. I was still on the phone with 911 when I seen her with her eyes open. Mama took her temperature and it was 101.7° Her eyes were still rolling around as she looked up at Mama and said, "Am I gonna die, nanny?" I lost it again. Not because of what she said but because I heard her sweet voice!! She was very disorient and didn't know what was going on. She thought she was just waking up from being asleep. Eventually, the ambulance arrived & took us to the hospital. It was determined that she suffered a febrile seizure. It's caused by a quick & sudden spike in the temperature of a child. Apparently, it's very common in small children. The doctor found that her tonsils were a bit red & swollen and that was the culprit for the fever in the first place. I was told to alternate Motrin & Tylenol for the fever. That's it. By the time we left, my baby was 100% back to normal.

I had a lot of things go through my mind as I watched my daughter, helplessly unable to take this away from her. As a parent, you are expected to protect your children from any kind of harm. But what happens when nature kicks in and you can't take away the pain with a kiss? What happens when your Childs body turns violently against them right before your eyes? At one point, I dropped to my knees and begged God to spare my daughters life. That if he had to take someone, to please take me instead of her! Please, don't take another baby away from me! I'll do anything to keep her! What would I tell Gavin if she dies? How will I explain to a 7 year old child that he won't be seeing his "sissy" anymore? I thought about her as a baby, off to a rocky start. It's like her life was flashing before my eyes. I thought, I'd give anything to hear her say I love you, Mommy!  Or hear her say the many hilarious things she says throughout everyday! Or hear her feet running up the hall with her "doo-dads" box in her hands. Every time she's ever done something little kids do to get in trouble ran through my mind. Every problem I was having suddenly disappeared and all that mattered was bringing her back. Snapping her out of whatever was happening to her. It was so surreal. I felt like I was floating outside my body watching this and not being able to help my baby. Watching, helplessly from the sidelines.  Watching her beautiful eyes sink & roll around in her head, while I scream, begging her to breathe, begging her to wake up. Just please wake up, baby!!

It opened my eyes. Opened them up to the possibility that I may have to say goodbye to yet another child of mine. Only this time, I wouldn't pull through it. I used to say that if my baby had to die (when I had Kaylea), I wish I'd gotten atleast a little time with her, alive, outside of my body. But now that I have two living children, I can't bare the thought of losing one of them! Of course, I realize that your children can be taken from you just as fast as they were given. And now that I know what happened was a seizure and was not at all life threatening, I still don't have peace of mind. To me, I thought she was dying. The doctor acted very casual about it because I'm sure he's sees this every single day. But I don't! And I hate that he was so casual about it. I know someone had to be calm but atleast acknowledge that it was very scary for me as a mother who's never seen this happen! I don't take kindly to someone being so casual about my daughters life, my life!

This was a very real moment in my life. A moment I hope to never have to relive as long as I'm alive. The shear terror of losing my baby girl has scared me down to my soul. Everytime I close my eyes, I see her little body, still, unresponsive and burning up. I hear the noise she was making. I feel the helpless feeling, all over again. I feel the panic and the desperate attempt to get her to wake up. I go into her room during the night, several times, to make sure she's ok. I can't seem to get passed it.

This wasn't life threatening, but I didn't know that at first. So I really thought she was dying. As a result, I learned a lesson. What I'm taking away from this horrendous experience is never take your children for granted. No one knows when they will be called home. Love your kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Laugh & play with them. Memorize every laugh, every cry, every word they say. Because, one day you may give anything to hear those sounds one more time. I will never take these things for granted again. My children are precious, a borrowed gift from God that will someday need to be returned. Until then, I'll hug my children a little tighter and thank God for lending them to me!

My Dream Fades Into A Nightmare..

Hey, everyone! I've avoided blogging for quite some time now because this is where things go terribly wrong in my life. I've wished so bad to go back and change these things, but I can't.. My story continues...

In December, 2007, I began dating a childhood friends brother, Jay*. I'd know him since I was seven years old and his sister, Lynn* and I were best friends. I didn't know him on that level, on an intimate level. When we were young, he was about seven years older than me, he had a problem with his kidneys. He had a tumor that rested on a nerve or something to that effect. Anyway, it caused him to not feel the sensation of having to go pee. (I'm telling what's wrong with him because I feel like this was a big reason why he was so crazy.) Anyway, at this time, I didn't know he still had this problem because when we were younger, he had surgery and I was under the impression that the problem was fixed. I was wrong.

I'm not a small minded person. I don't judge people and I don't care about things like that. It wouldn't have kept me from being with him, that alone. But that was, as I discovered, just a small fraction of the problems he had.

He was like a dream at first. Very considerate and sweet. Done things for me, he was a man! Jeremy couldn't fix things around the house, things a man is supposed to do, Jeremy couldn't do! Jay could!! Before long, that dream spun quickly into a nightmare..

When we started dating, Gavin was two and a half and Kenadi was eight months old. Gavin was still sleeping in the bed with me and since I discovered Jay still has his kidney problems, I was getting Gavin out of my bed. So, one night Gavin woke up at 4 am and I went and laid down with him in his little Spongebob toddler bed and dozed off. I awoke to Jay in a complete frenzy about 30 minutes later. Tearing up EVERYTHING in my house, woke up both kids. So, here we are, me, my 2 year old and my 8 month old, sitting on the couch at 4:30 am, listening to this psycho raise hell because I got up with my son!! Finally, I told him, take a look at what you're doing and why you're mad!! You fucking psycho!! So he shut up and I laid back down with my son. Another night, I woke up and he was in my kitchen at 2, naked, going through my cell phone!! I mean, are you kidding me?!

About a month into our short lived "relationship", we got into an argument because I had gotten my tax check back and he wanted me to rent another place to live, which I was totally against! I wasn't stupid enough to move from my home that was mine into a home in both our names. I'd come home and he'd have mine & my babies stuff outside. No, I wasn't that stupid! At this time, he sill had his own place but he wouldn't leave my house and stopped paying rent at his so he was told to move his stuff out. I was there with him when he just flipped out & I can't even remember why. I was running to his back door and he threw one of his sons chairs at me and missed. For some reason, I thought that was funny and I laughed. BIG MISTAKE!!! He ran after me, screamed, "you stupid bitch, you deserve to have your kids die"!! All hell shot through me! As I was leaving, he kicked my mirror off the side of my car. I went home, gathered a Playstation that he had at my house, and all the games, put it under my car tire and ran over it! I though "if I deserve to have my kids die, than you deserve to have your shit broke!!" Unbeknownst to me, this Playstation was his 5 year old sons. I had no idea, he always told me it was his. Had I known this, I wouldn't have touched it! This is an important part to my story of Jay.

This fight blew over, eventually. About a month later, he had two checks that he had bounced at a convenience store, BEFORE WE BEGAN DATING. He sent me to this store one day while he was at work to pay these checks for him. Well, his baby mamas sister worked in this store. As I walked in, she started cussing at me saying that I better not touch her nephews stuff again, I didn't catch half of what she said. Now, apparently, he had told his BM that I tore it up for the hell of it. Which was a complete LIE!! I would've never touched it had I known it was his sons!! Anyway, I told her, first of all I didn't know it was the babys. Second of all, you don't know what went on as to why I tore it up in the first place and third, I didn't come in here to talk to you about that. It's none of your business anyway!! I come in here to pay these checks for his dumb ass!! I can see why she would be mad about that but it's not what happened!! Anyway, he gave me $200.00 to pay the checks and the total was $217.00. They wouldn't let me pay just what I had. I had to have the full amount, so I left, without paying it. First of all, I didn't bounce the checks, HE DID, BEFORE I was with him! So it wasn't my responsibility to pay his bills. After all, he didn't help me pay my bills, AT ALL! And second, I didn't have money to waste on that because I didn't care, to be honest.

I came home, and really, I wasn't expecting him to act stupid because he's the one that didn't give me enough money to pay it. And it wasn't my fault they wouldn't let me pay only $200.00 on it.

My night quickly went bad. With my babies watching......

*The names have been changed*

"Doctor" Kermit Gosnells House Of Horrors

This is a remarkable moment in American life: A man is killing actual living, gurgling, bouncing babies on an industrial scale –and it barely makes the papers.

I was catching up on the news just now online and I came across an article about a back alley "doctor" named Kermit Gosnell, who has been charged with 7 counts of first-degree-murder stemming from him killing 7 viable unborn babies. He ran a back alley abortion clinic in Pennsylvania, with untrained, medical assistants that he hired off the street with no education in the medical field. He performed botched abortions past the 24 week cutoff for "legal" abortion. If the baby was born alive, he would stab the back of the neck, with scissors, and sever the babys spine, thus killing the baby. I use the word "legally" very loosely as I believe all abortions, these barbaric procedures, should be outlawed and any form of abortion should be illegal! THIS is the form of abortion I'm talking about! Blatant, heartless abortion for the hell of it! NOT, "I found out, through ultrasound, that my baby has no brain or terminal birth defects, and my doctor gave me the option to INDUCE labor or wait until my body goes into labor naturally." This is NOT AN ABORTION!

Another thing that upsets me about this man, other than the fact that he was blatantly and heartlessly killing innocent babies, is that the Pennsylvania Health Department stopped doing routine inspections on the unprofessional business he was running. Scaring women out of filing complaints by telling them they would be required to reveal their identity and testify in court! In 1998, a 15 year old girl goes to.his clinic, Women's Medical Society to have an abortion. She decided that she couldn't go through with it and this enraged Gosnell! He then preceded to hold this girl down, rip her clothes off and drug her, while yelling "this is the same care I'd treat my own daughter with"! She woke up THREE DAYS LATER, in her aunts apartment, NO LONGER PREGNANT!! 

One of the "doctors" unqualified medical assistant testifies in court and admits to cutting the spines of atleast TEN viable babies!! What kind of sick, macbre world do we live in that makes it ok to stab a baby in the neck and cut his/her spine to kill it?!

Her testimony:

Medical assistant Adrienne Moton admitted Tuesday that she had cut the necks of at least 10 babies after they were delivered, as Gosnell had instructed her. Gosnell and another employee regularly “snipped” the spines “to ensure fetal demise,” she said.

Moton sobbed as she recalled taking a cellphone photograph of one baby because he was bigger than any she had seen aborted before. She measured the fetus at nearly 30 weeks, and thought he could have survived, given his size and pinkish color. Gosnell later joked that the baby was so big he could have walked to the bus stop, she said.

Now, when asked in court if he understood the charges that were being brought against him, he replied that he "understood the first charge (third degree murder of a 41 year old woman who died as a result of an accidental drug overdose after a botched abortion in his clinic) but not the seven counts involving the babies. In his mind, he'd done nothing wrong. It was a simple case of finishing what he'd started: an abortion. But if I'm not mistaken (said jokingly), abortions are performed inutero, and if a baby is born alive during an abortion, measures have to be taken to keep the baby ALIVE, not stab it in the neck to "finish the job"!!

What kind of world are we living in when it's socially and legally acceptable to perform a procedure so grotesque on a living, breathing human being!? Which brings me to my next question: since it's "ok" to kill an infant in such a horrible way, why stop there? Why not let anyone kill their children at any age and then pat them on the back for doing it because they are simply "tired of being a parent"? Why not set up a "Safe Haven" box outside the abortion clinic and allow parents everywhere to bring their babies by, stick them in the box, ring the little bell and leave? Leaving your OWN CHILD to be killed in a horrible, painful way!! And how is it that this happened TWO YEARS AGO and I'm just hearing about it?! Everytime someone is busted selling drugs, it's all over the news. But the death of possibly thousands of babies in grotesque and barbaric ways is barely talked about!

The lawyers keep emphasizing that he's not on trial for performing abortions but for killing 7 living babies. To me, there's no difference! Someone on an anti-abortion page made a comment that rocked me to my very soul: "A fetus isn't a baby until it takes it's first breath". REALLY?! So that little "ball of cells", that has a HEARTBEAT by the way, isn't a person? We were all once just a "clump of cells" does that make us "not a real person" as well? People say, "the baby can't feel pain so who cares?" A doctor who specializes in premature birth testified:

Dr. Conway testified that even premature babies, born in the second trimester, feel pain. He said doctors define them as "born alive" if there is a heartbeat. At that point, he said, they are treated as patients and, at a minimum, kept comfortable, even if they are deemed too young to survive.

So, if a baby born in the second trimester can feel pain, than a baby can feel pain at any gestational age! Who are we to say a baby can't feel pain? No one knows for sure and so every situation should be treated as if the baby CAN feel pain! One abortion procedure involves pouring acid on the babys body and literally burning it's skin off! If you think a baby don't feel that than YOU ARE CRAZY! That kind of abortion procedure is performed during late abortion.

In closing, abortion is the most inhuman, barbaric procedure ever invented by a human being! I'd love to meet the jackass that come up with the idea of ripping a baby, from limb to limb, out of the womb, through a vacuum!! Everyone has to stand before the Lord one day and be judge for their wrongdoing! I would hate to be an abortionist on that day!!

Lord, hold all the tiny babies who've been taken by this grotesque "procedure", safely in your arms!! Show no mercy for this horrible man and the people that helped him rob these babies of their precious lives!

The picture below is the devil incarnate: Kermit Gosnell

Letting him go for good..

Less than a week after I let Jeremy come back home, my feelings began to change. He had been gone for nearly eight months and I'd gotten used to doing everything in my own. During this eight months, me and my friend Amanda had began going out some on the weekends. We especially loved to go listen to a good friends band play. It was a Saturday night and the band was playing at a nearby bar. It was to be their final show and I didn't want to miss it. Jeremy didn't want me to go but ultimately I decided I didn't care what he wanted! I went anyway!

That night, everyone kept asking me why I let him come back home. And I couldn't think of any reason why I had! Which made me realize, maybe I didn't want him there after all that maybe the whole reason I let him come back was to prove to his whore, Amanda, that she was no different than me! That he would leave her at any given time as well. I had proven that point so maybe it was time to bow out, once and for all! I though maybe I could have my happy family back. But this time was different than the others for one reason: GAVIN! When Jeremy left me this time, he left our son too! He chose a woman he'd only known for a month over our son. I had to watch my 15 month old son screaming for his daddy the night he left. I had to watch Gavin crying for his daddy the night I caught him with Amanda in Walmart, as he walked right by Gavin like he didn't know him! Screw me over if you want but don't mess with my kids! He'd hurt our son and to me, that was the deal breaker! They say "forgive and forget" but without one the other is completely void! And it was clear, I couldn't forgive nor forget that he had done this to us! I say just Gavin because I was pregnant with Kenadi when Jeremy left. I know he left her too but she didn't witness it therefore she is completely unaffected by this happening. Gavin wasn't unaffected. Though, in terms of long term affects, of course now he doesn't remember it happening, which is good, I suppose. But it doesn't stop him from asking me now why doesn't his daddy have anything to do with him. I feel as though Kenadi doesn't even have a daddy as he's never actively participated in her life!

Anyway, when I got home from my night out that Saturday, Jeremy was asleep on the couch. I tried waking him up to no avail. So, I went to bed. The next day, I told him he had to go. I told him I'd made a huge mistake letting him come back because too much time had passed and I'd been burned by him one too many times.

Little did I know, he'd already made his plans to go back to Amanda. She came and picked him up. The next day, I looked my cell phone bill up online and seen where he'd spent all night Saturday, while I was gone, talking to Amanda on my phone! After this happened, we didn't speak for a couple weeks. I still hadn't gone back to work since I had had Kenadi. The job I had when I went out on maternity leave, didn't hold my job. Instead, my boss offered me another position in which I'd make ALOT less than I did before. I wouldn't have been able to live off the job and raise two babies, whom were both still in diapers at this time. So, I had to find a new job. At this time, I had gotten what was called "Emergency Assistance"from my local social services. They had paid all my bills up until August 2007. So, I hit the trail looking for a job because the time was coming when I was going to have to start paying my bills again.

Walmart called me at the last minute and I was hired to work in the jewelry department same as when I lived in Farmville.

Things seemed to be back on track for me until December 2007 when, unbeknownst to me, a psycho walked into my life. And things took a turn for the worse........

Be gone! Before someone drops a house on you!

I want to vent a little bit about some things that I've seen over the past few days.

First off, a few days ago, a friend of mine that I met on my pregnancy loss facebook page, sent me an inbox message that had a link to a disturbing page. She asked me to report this page, so I clicked on the link and what I seen was truly disturbing! The page was called "Funny stuff about Dead babies". And on this page this person was stealing peoples photos of their angel babies and putting obscene things on the photos. For example, on one, he drew a penis going into the babys mouth. Now, this is horrible on so many levels but it still doesn't shock me as I've seen it too many times! Losers that want attention go to great lengths to get it. But I'm here to tell these losers, there's better ways to get attention! No, what was shocking was when I reported it to facebook, they sent back an Email saying they investigated the page and come to the conclusion that no rules or terms were violated by this page!

This makes me absolutely LIVID!! REALLY, FACEBOOK?! It doesn't violate anything? Well, how about the parents of these beautiful babies? How about the privacy he's violated by stealing other users photos? What about these precious babies he's violating by drawing penises on their faces?! It's ok to do this to an angel babys photo but yet I've heard of mothers who've been asked to take down breastfeeding photos by facebook. And if they weren't removed, facebook removed them! Also, I know a few angel mothers whose photos of their angels were removed by facebook for "offending" other users! This is just appalling to me! You have a choice to make with every click on the internet. If these pictures bother you, the answer is very simple: DON'T LOOK AT THEM! But don't report a photo of our angels as "offensive"! Let us have our memories in peace! To us, our angels are treated as if they were still living! We celebrate them and show them off because we are proud to be their parents! Don't rob us, in very unjustly ways, of the innocence that is our babies! We have enough grief and heartache without adding to it! Leave us be! We show these photos off because it's all we have left of our angels! And we shouldn't have to remove them or worry about some low life, pathetic asshole stealing them and violating them! GET A FREAKING LIFE, ALREADY! There are thousands upon thousands of facebook pages dedicate only to drama, go to one of those and stay off of our support pages!

Which leads me to the second thing that's bothering me: rude comments by complete strangers. I've heard things like "I don't understand why you talk about a baby that's dead" Here's the thing: it's not for you to understand! If you're not in the baby loss club then you'll never understand the yearn that we have as angel parents to have back the baby we never got to bring home! All the shattered, broken dreams that died when our babies died! A piece of out heart died with our angels! How dare anyone get offended over us talking about our angels!

Which raises the age old saying: some things are better left UNSAID!

Now, "be gone! Before someone drops a house on you!!"

My stupid mistake!

Continuing my story from when Kenadi was sick at four weeks old. So, while I was in the hospital with Kenadi, Jeremy refused to come stay or even come see her! She was so tiny and sick and I felt so very bad for her. It was such a helpless feeling because I couldn't take it away from her!

We spent two nights in the hospital and then we were released. I was to give Kenadi two different prescription medicines. One for acid reflux and the other to help get her formula to her stomach. I also had to add cereal to her formula to thicken it and help her put weight on.

Jeremy and I continued arguing, mainly because I didn't want to leave Gavin & Kenadi with him and his girlfriend. I didn't know anything about her and what I did know, I hated! Plus, my infant baby didn't need to be around another woman trying to be her mother! Alot of my hate stemmed from her being a part of breaking my family up. Don't get me wrong, I didn't just blame her but she knew about me. She knew he was married and his wife was 5 months pregnant and had an 18 month old son at home! What kind of woman does that!? I hated her with a passion that almost scared me!

After time began to pass, I finally accepted the fact that Jeremy and I were truly over this time. He wouldn't be coming back and I needed to move on. For a while I would let him get Gavin & Kenadi but on my terms! I wanted him doing everything for Kenadi. Changing her diapers, feeding her and giving her meds and a bath. I didn't want Amanda doing any of these things! A few months later, Jeremy was having to attend anger management classes because of the assault and battery charges on me and Gavin. I began taking him because his lovely girlfriends car was broke down. He began talking about coming back home. See, by this time, I had gotten used to doing whatever I wanted to do! So I wasn't sure I wanted him back. Plus, everything he'd put me through I just couldn't forgive him! But, after a while, we began sleeping together again. He spent more time at my house than he did at home! And I can't lie, I missed him, very much! But, I didn't know if I missed him bad enough to take him back. After thinking about it for around a week, I decided I would let him come back home.

He made a plan to wait (as he ALWAYS did) until Amanda left for work and move out. Keep in mind, that's how he always did me! He'd wait until I was gone to pack up & move! I think part if me just wanted to prove to Amanda that I could get him back. I had spent months listening to her say if I'd taken care of my man I wouldn't have lost him! And I kept telling her she was an idiot if she thought he wouldn't do it to her as well! He had already been cheating on her with me. So, of course, when she got him, he was gone. She immediately began calling my house and I refused to let her talk to him. Instead, I said, "if you'd taken care of him, maybe he'd still be with you!" And, oh, did it feel good to say that to her!! She'd come to my house if we were gone and leave notes for him on my door.

The only problem was, during the 7 months we'd been split up, I'd fallen way out of love with him. And I knew as soon as I let him come back that I really didn't want him there. As I said, I kind of just wanted to prove a point. But things were not the same with him at all. And a week in, it was time to make a change...

(The photos below are of Kenadi and Gavin through her first year. She caught her weight up quick :)