It's been 3 months today since my Doug was taken from me. As the days go on, I get angrier & angrier. After everything I've been through in the past 11 years, why was this man brought into my life, made me love him, made my kids love him, just to have him ripped from our lives overnight!?!?!? I went to bed happy & woke up to the worst day of my life, my world ripped apart. I don't understand this. I've tried, I've tried my damnedest to move on from this. I've tried not to harbor any negative feelings towards Doug's family because I know they are grieving too. I know his mom is angry at me because she has to blame someone & that's me because I was with him. I know that blame because I've lost a child too. No, my child wasn't 27 years old but I've lost one all the same. I help thousands of people, mainly mothers, everyday that have lost a child, a baby, and they place blame, just as I did when I lost my daughter. So, I get it. But, how, HOW can I not harbor these feelings!? Because, trust me when I say, I don't want to feel this way. It only makes me stuck in my grief. A grief that will not subside. No matter what I do. So, no, I don't want to feel this way. But I can't help it.
I'm sure everyone is getting tired of me talking about it. But I have to get it out when I feel like I'm about to explode. I sit in my house, every single day, and all I think about is Doug. My house looks like a shrine to him! Pictures of us everywhere. The food we cooked the night before he died, still sits in my fridge. The napkin he wiped his mouth with, the last glass he drank out of (still dirty, with his lip prints on it), the 20 oz Pepsi bottle that he had bought a few days before he passed away was pulled out of the trash can & put up, by me. Mixed veggies I cooked for him the day after he came home from the hospital, broccoli & cheese he made, still sits in my fridge. We had went to the grocery store the day before he passed away & he got fresh corn on the cob & a fudge cake. Both still sit in the fridge, untouched. The freezer still organized with the same food, untouched because HE put it that way. His spot he made on top of the fridge for 'his' snacks, still sits, with all his snacks, untouched. His clothes still hang in our closet where he left them; his shirts still folded & left where he put them. When he was alive, I loved the way he smelt & I would sleep in his shirts. If they were clean (because sometimes he would take the shirt he was wearing off & give it to me), he would spray his body spray on it so it would smell like him. I still do that, every night. His two brand new hats, (that still smell like him), still hang on the wall, where he had a spot for them. His bath stuff still sits in our shower. His wallet with his money still in it, every letter he ever wrote me, the money we had saved to go to the beach in June to get married, barefoot in the sand, still sits where we left it. Scared that if I get rid of this stuff or move any of it, I'll somehow be throwing him away. And I just cannot make myself do it. This is ALL I have left of him!! Everyone needs to see this from my perspective, his family included. Here's this beautiful, amazing man that I had spent every single day with for almost a year. Everything I done, he was there. We very rarely spent any time apart. My kids loved him & spent just as much time with him as I did. They bonded with him, as if he was their father. He done everything a good father is supposed to do. Played baseball, football & basketball with Gavin. Did the 'airplane' with Kenadi. Fixed their meals, helped with homework. Played with them anytime they wanted him to. Then, tragedy strikes & I wake up to find him dead on our couch. A couch that we spent many nights on as a couple, and as a FAMILY! And since we weren't legally married, (I say legally because we were married in every other aspect but on paper), his next of kin had to be notified to release his body to a funeral home. I couldn't make that call so after my mom attempted, and was hung up on, the cop had to call. And his sister was who was called. She immediately told the officer that it was my fault he had died. Ok. So, after that was done, she comes here, calls a funeral home, comes in our home & starts asking for his stuff before they even get out of the driveway with him. (By the way, his sister made a comment, when I got his lunchbox out to get the watch & ring she asked for, that she remembered the day that 'she bought him that lunchbox. That he went on & on until she bought it for him. Ummm, are you fucking delusional?! I was with him the day he bought that lunchbox, the same day he bought the air conditioner that you tried to sell, for $75 without even asking him! A $250 AC that wasn't yours to sell! He bought BOTH with HIS debit card from Abbott! She also stupidly said in a conversation a few days later, that she would take anything of his outta this house that she wanted. Not fucking hardly, bitch! You got ALL YOU WILL EVER GET OF HIS! You only got that cuz Doug didn't wear neither one anymore! He had actually ordered him another watch that come a week after he died!) And that's it. Every time I ask questions after that, I'm given the run around. I've since found out everything I wanted to know, the funeral home that cremated him, when his autopsy was done, everything. Then, the shitty, rude messages start coming 2 days after he died because I expressed my anger over not being in the loop. How could they do that to us?! How could they take him from us, the ones DOUG CHOSE to be with everyday. Imagine yourselves in my place!! How do they live with themselves?! Had Doug & I been married, and it had been up to me, I would've NEVER done this to them, even knowing how Doug felt! It's not for the deceased but for those of us left behind. And I'm so angry that we were shut out of something so important & crucial to the healing process! Something so important & crucial, PERIOD! Something anyone with common decency would've never fucking done. EVER. I could just as easily blame them for his death! By choosing the 'tough love' route, they made Doug feel as if he was all alone in this world, with nothing and no one. They contributed by doing this. But that's the difference between me & them. I know better then to blame them! It's no ones fault but Doug's that he drank everyday. He was an alcoholic & that's what an alcoholic does! He would've found a way to drink, no matter if I took him to the store or bought it. IT DON'T MATTER! None of it matters now. There's no need to place blame. Because all of the blaming me in the world won't bring Doug back. All it would do is piss him off! They blamed & hated me BEFORE he died because of his sisters BIG ASS MOUTH, and Doug would laugh & say, "I don't give a fuck if they like you cuz I don't even talk to them! And it's not your fault I drink!" I've said it before & I'll say it again, if he was still alive, they'd all still be treating him as if he don't exist!! And I know this!
I'm not going to keep on & on about that. I feel like this: me & the kids were with him EVERY SINGLE DAY AND NIGHT, for almost a year. No one else, I didn't even know his family, other then his sister & I had met his brother twice by the time he died & that was forced on Doug because according to him, he hated his brother too. I liked his brother. I liked his sister. I couldn't understand why he claimed to hate his brother & sister so much. Anyway, it was only US for so long! Then, he dies. And a 'family' that has been NOWHERE around, swoops in & takes him! That looks terrible on them for one thing. Where the FUCK were all of you for the past year?!?! Oh, that's right. You chose, in your own words, "the tough love route". I call that the "out of sight, out of mind" route. You thought, "we've tried to help him & it didn't work. So, we'll let him be someone else's problem now." And when he dies, you have the audacity to fucking judge me & how I handled the situation!? Well, a big HUGE FUCK YOU to every single one of you! Bonnie (Doug's mom) said to me in one of her messages, "if you really loved my son, you would've done something different. You wouldn't have bought him alcohol when my daughter, Latosha begged you not to." Well, Bonnie, maybe your daughter, Latosha, should've come & helped with her brother every time I called HER BEGGING HER TO HELP ME! Begging her to please come get him when he was acting crazy because I HAD TOLD HIM NO, I won't going to the ABC store! But, no, she refused to come because her latest fuck buddy was coming over, or there towards the end, because she was trying to get her daughter back & baby daddy hates Doug. It was so easy for Latosha to sit on the other end of the phone telling me to not buy it for him. She didn't have to fucking live with him! She didn't have to see him sick, crying & begging. No, and neither did you, Bonnie! And, I'm sorry, but if you really loved your son, maybe you should've stayed in his life as a good mother would do! Instead of cutting off all contact with him because he drank! Don't tell me what I should've done different! I could go on & on about your whole family & what you all should've done!! All of them are so naïve! Bonnie also told me the same story Doug told me about how he hadn't been really sober since he was 19. That he would say he won't drinking & just drink enough to where no one would notice. Well, according to Doug, he ALWAYS done that. He done it when he first moved in with his sister last year when she so stupidly thought he had quit drinking. He was doing it right under your nose, Miss 'I always know when he's been drinking'! You were just too blind to see it! If that's a lie, DOUG TOLD IT! And why in the hell would he lie about that?!?! You didn't help him any more then I fucking helped him! None of you did!
I mean, please, someone tell me how I'm supposed to just get over, move on or forget about what these AWFUL people done to us when Doug passed away!!?? How could they just treat me & my kids like we didn't fucking matter?! Like Doug & I had only known one another for a week & it shouldn't bother me at all that I FOUND HIM DEAD!! GAVIN AND KENADI FOUND HIM DEAD!! How can you people be so fucking selfish!? And more importantly, how do you live with yourselves?! Latosha, you, OF ALL PEOPLE, knew that Doug wanted me there with him, all the time! You told us one time, when he was trying to figure out a way for us to be together one day, that we seen each other more then you seen your son. And why did he have to be with me all the time? Yet you can do this to me & these kids without batting an eye! If not for me, then for Gavin & Kenadi! They just couldn't & still can't understand why they couldn't go to Doug's service. You are one heartless fucking CUNT! You blamed your mom saying she was in charge of everything. That's true, sure, but you could've taken up for me, as you claim you done when Doug was living. But no, you didn't. You won't taking up for me when he was living. No, you were running your big fucking mouth about everything Doug & I were doing! I didn't give two shits if your mom liked me or not. Still don't. And neither did Doug! All we were worried about was loving each other! And Doug wanted my mom to like him but we really didn't care, either way. It was just easier when everyone got along. But we didn't have to deal with Bonnie or anyone else in the family, obviously. You told me once, "Doug is watching you, not watching over you." Haha, that's funny! Do you think it wouldn't have bothered Doug that you kept the women he loved, the kids he called his own, from his service?! Yet you had people there he talked about, like dogs, ALL THE TIME!! That pathetic picture of all of y'all holding a TEN YEAR OLD photo of him at the service!! I don't think a 27 year old man would want to be remembered as an 18 year old boy! Fucking PATHETIC!! All of you are holding on to someone Doug was not anymore. And even if he had of quit drinking, addiction changes you, in every way! He never would've been that person again! But then again, addiction or not, NO ONE is the same person they were as a teenager! I know I'm not!
Off topic for a moment. My birthday was yesterday. I uploaded a photo of me & Doug on my birthday last year. In this photo, he has his hands on my face, kissing me so sweetly. I was told by Bonnie that sober Doug was romantic & loving & that I didn't know that version of him. Because his fucking big mouthed sister told his mama about fights Doug & I had. Just because we fought, don't mean I didn't know him! EVERYONE in a relationship fights! That's common knowledge! I think his mom could agree with that since Latosha told us a lot about her & her husband fighting all the time. Because according to Larry & Doug, she's crazy & controlling! Anyway, Doug was VERY romantic! It's one of the things I LOVED about him!! He was AMAZING in so many ways!! So, yes, Bonnie, I did know he was romantic. I have PLENTY of photos to show, PROVE how happy Doug was. Where's all of your pictures of him? NOT old pictures, from high school or 3 or 4 years ago?? You don't have any. I could've showed all of you how happy he was. But since this happiness didn't involve any of you, you didn't want any part of it, right?? Jealous of my life with him. Jealous. Jealous. JEALOUS!
This is the picture of Doug & I last year on my birthday. So romantic, so sweet.
That's where all of his so-called family is terribly WRONG! I DID know him! It's all of you that didn't. You know a version of Doug, the version all of you are choosing to honor, the version he wasn't anymore. He would be so fucking mad at all of you! Because I know him, and I know he would've wanted me & HIS kids included in everything. I'm not saying he wouldn't have wanted any of you there, although he told me that. But he would've wanted us, his real family, there as well! That's all. These are DOUG'S words, his family! But, out of jealousy & GUILT, because each of YOU chose to abandon him & not be a part of his life, sitting 2 states away judging his every move and out of selfishness, you decided to take him from us as if we didn't matter. I know that wherever he is right now, he's so disappointed! He would've said to me, 'why are you letting this happen?' But I know he can see all of them. He knows I wanted to be there. He knows he didn't want half of the people that was there anywhere around him. I don't give a damn how he felt 10 years ago about these people. I care about how present day Doug felt about them! And all of his 'family' should've considered what Doug would've wanted! Not what a bunch of people that didn't even talk to him would've wanted!! Latosha said a few of her friends came to support her & not one person in that picture did Doug ever say one nice thing about! I think mostly, all he referred to them as was "ghetto bitches". I could add the rest, but I won't. The bad thing about all of this shit is his sister knew all of this! She used to get so mad when she'd come Here to drop her son off & Doug would hide in the bathroom, even when he hadn't been drinking because he didn't want to talk to her! She would say she didn't know why he acted like that when all she'd ever done was try & help him. I told her everything he ever said about her yet when he died, suddenly I'm lying. Or asked why am I saying all of this trying to hurt them? No, I'm not trying to hurt them! Although none of them had a problem hurting me before I ever even said anything about or to them! All I did was express my anger about being left out & suddenly I didn't know Doug & he would've never been with me had he been sober. And why did I have a drunk around playing daddy to my kids. And the letters he wrote me were made fun of. All of this ended with, "but I'm a Godly women & I'll pray for you & your children." REALLY?!?! GODLY?!?! If that's Godly, I want no part of that!
In closing, I want them all to know what they've done to us by keeping us away from him. My kids still cry for Doug, almost everyday. They still ask why they couldn't go to his service. They cling to him in death, just as they did in life. Just 2 hours ago, I walked into my living room & Kenadi was sitting on the couch crying. When I asked what was wrong, she said, "I just miss Doug so much." You people are common, selfish, jealous, guilt ridden, pieces of shit. I will NEVER get over what you done to us & Doug won't forget it either, trust me when I say that! I was not just someone that bought his alcohol or took him to the store like all of you think. None of you saw us as a couple but Latosha Cochran DID! And she can live in denial all she fucking wants to, but she knew better! There's a reason why Doug died without speaking to any of you in almost 2 years. And only now, after he's gone, do I fully understand why! Why he was so amazed at my family & so obsessed with OUR family! I get it now. It's because he had no REAL family. I showed him UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I showed him what a family was. They don't abandon you because of things not going their way. They stick by you, no matter how you live your life. They may not agree & may express that but they don't abandon you altogether. They help you when you're down & continue to show their love for you. They don't limit their communications to simply hitting the 'like' button on their pictures on Facebook, the people he didn't have blocked! (And all of you clicked like on almost every photo we ever posted together!!) I did everything all of you didn't & WOULDN'T do. I stuck by him until the bitter end. All of you only showed up at the bitter end, after it was all over with. Only THEN did you say what he needed to hear & what you should've said while he was LIVING! SHAME ON ALL OF YOU!!! I see why your guilt is killing you & I hope you see his face EVERY SINGLE NIGHT when you close your eyes!! I know in your delusional minds, you think what you done while he was living was the right thing to do. The same way you think what you did when he died was the right thing to do. Both were WRONG. And you are the ONLY ones that think it was right! Like I said, DELUSIONAL. Sad & delusional. SHAME ON ALL OF YOU! Doug seen everything you done to us, EVERYTHING! I have no doubt in my mind that Doug watches OVER us every single day. But, in Latosha's words, he watching all of his family. Watching all of the sorry shit they continue to do every single day. Probably shaking his head in disbelief. The only relief I get is knowing I done all I could do for him. I gave him love & compassion & he left this world KNOWING that I loved him. Knowing I was on HIS side & that I would've done ANYTHING I could do for him! And I'm so happy for that! I know he's waiting for me on The Other Side as we promised each other we'd do. If he didn't love me or didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't have been! He wasn't made to stay. He stayed because he was loved! And he still is loved & remembered for who he was! Can anyone say the same about all of you?? Nope.
(I want to add that after Doug passed away, I had several people inbox me telling me how they had talked to Doug recently & he had expressed how happy he was with me & with life in general. That made me very happy!)
Me & my sweet baby. God, I miss him so much!
All 3 of my babies! Such a beautiful smile on his beautiful face!
More sweetness from the man that "didn't really love me". Doug seen it ALL.
