Do you ever reminisce for a certain time in your life?
I'm not talking about the want to be a child again. Because, of course, most people wish they were children again. It's a much more innocent time. A time where we didn't have to worry about adult things, such as paying bills or fixing our cars when they break down. The biggest thing I had to worry about was the grade I was going to get on my upcoming government or geometry test.
No, I'm talking about a point in your adult life.
I've been thinking ALOT lately about when my son was a baby & right before he was born. Maybe I think of this time because it was the last point in my life where everything made sense to me. I made sense, my life made sense. I had only a year before buried my first baby, my daughter Kaylea & lost my second child due to a miscarriage just months before. But I was young, with my whole life in front of me! I was married to a man that I hoped I'd be married to for the rest of my life. We were expecting our third baby together. Since our first two went to Heaven instead of home with us, we were excited for this baby. Excited to have a baby in our arms instead of ONLY our hearts. At the time, I was eager and nervous and all I cared about was getting Gavin here safely. And that I did. If nothing else never went right again in my life, I had him, at the end of the day.
That time was perfect. I embraced the role of Mommy & wife. I played that role, very well! My husband and I had already split up twice in the 3 years we'd been married but I just knew that he wouldn't be able to leave Gavin. Maybe me, but not Gavin. And even though we weren't having problems, the thought was always in the back of my mind. The feeling that I'd come home one day & his stuff would be gone. As it had been in the past.
But that never happened! So, this time I knew things would be ok. For 15 months, my life was amazing.
But, why only 15 months? Why didn't I get a lifetime of happiness? Why didn't my husband stay with me & help me raise our two children together? Was I only worthy of 15 short months? Why am I left alone to explain to our children why they haven't seen their Daddy in 3 years? I have struggled with these questions for the past almost 8 years now. These same questions run through my brain a hundred times a day. I thought it would be a while before I had to explain these things to my kids. But my son asks everyday why his Daddy doesn't want to see him. My daughter doesn't really care right now because he's never really been in her life as he left me when I was 5 months pregnant with her. My Mama cut her cord when she was born. But Gavin, he wants to know these things. Do I flat out tell him the truth? Your Daddy chose a woman he'd met a week before over his family? And he still chooses her now? Because that's what I want to say! I want to tell him the truth.
Jeremy (my exhusband/childrens dad) is married to the woman he cheated on me with, the woman he left me for. They now have two children together plus one she had before him. So, he's raising a child his sons age that doesn't even belong to him. That breaks my heart in half, every single day. I watch our children do new, AMAZING things, everyday. Things he should be seeing as well. I'm so proud to call them my children!
Gavin is absolutely talented at baseball! He throws like a high school student & catches like a pro! Kenadi can draw & color so beautifully! She's so vibrant & full of life! So beautiful that it's a crying shame she's not a child model!
On the one hand, I get them all to myself! I don't have to share them with a deadbeat dad & an evil stepmom! An evil bitch that once FORCE FED my son hamburger! I don't have the added drama that is him & his baggage! But, on the other hand, I get the questions that I have no idea how to answer. I'm so afraid that my children are going to grow up & have the dreaded "Daddy issues". As of right now, they are fine. No problems. But will it stay this way? Another question I don't have the answer to!
I don't know what's bringing this up in me, lately. Maybe it's the fact that I'm less than six months away from being 30. Maybe the thought of dying alone is getting to me. I miss the security of being married. To being committed to one person. I miss the familiarity of it all. I hate to have to start over from scratch. I hate that my kids will have to grow up without their real Daddy. Without him in their lives at all.
They say that once you have kids, you'll never be lonely again. Whomever said that was so full of shit! Of course, I have my children. But I long for adult conversation. There's only so much you can say to an 8 & 6 year old! I try and throw myself into things so that I won't think about all of this. But it doesn't always work.
I'll never get away from these questions that haunt me everyday. They are like a bad habit that won't go away. I feel so incomplete. What did I do to deserve my life to be so Shitty? It's like there's something missing, somewhere.
I'm not naive. I do fully understand the reality of the situation. I may, very well die alone. I may never get married again. My children may go the rest of their lives not knowing their Daddy. I can live with that.
My hope for my future is that I can meet a nice man. A man that doesn't beat me, doesn't do drugs & doesn't steal from me. A man that will accept & love my babies as if they were their own children. I hope that my babies grow up into strong, independent adults that only depend on themselves for what they need. I hope that my future is filled with wonderful things & the grim will end, soon.
A girl can dream....
Until next tine....
